Why do I let it bother me??

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Survivor73
Survivor73 Member Posts: 135
in Breast Cancer #1
So, my SIL and BIL came by to visit on Sunday at about 1:00 to see how I am...they brought me a very nice gift of a plate that says Family, with a tree on it and wonderful words around it saying love, cherish, etc..etc..I totally love it...

So, I have gotten up about 1/2 an hour before they had gotten there...brushed my teeth & hair, threw on a track suit and looked so so...but I'm sure I would have passed inspection....lol.

Anyway, I had surgery on Thursday - 3 days prior...

My SIL says to me...so, you go back to work tomorrow?

I said...no, likely not until June or so...

She looks at me...what?? June?? why??

Well, I just had surgery and anytime one has that, it's pretty normal to have a couple of weeks off...then I will get my results and I will either have another surgery, or go right into radiation...I don't imagine they will wait very long to start...this may take a month or longer (from what I hear...but really have no idea on this) and then I will need to recover from any side effects of the radiation (if any other than exhaustion) Other than that, I also am dealing with a reoccurance of my thryoid cancer and waiting for blood work & a biopsy to prove to a surgeon to take out a bunch of my lymph nodes in my neck...and then get radioactive iodine...

Of course, my history of anxiety/depression hasn't been affected at all by my diagnosis of breast cancer a month ago...ya right...!?!?

I just said, I have a few more things to do depending on the results...

Anyway, everytime I have to justify why I'm not at work, I get so pissed off...if I had to go to work right now, I would just loose it...I can barely deal with making dinner for my kids and picking up my daughter from school/plasp...I did try prior to surgery and went for 3 days...didn't sleep, couldn't think or function...finally gave up...

I'm trying to focus on staying calm and not stressing...I shouldn't have to explain to people why I'm not working just 3 days after my second surgery in a month...

ok, I've vented enough...thanks for listening...I'm sure she didn't mean anything, but she just can't understand how I can take time off work for this since I look fine...lol maybe I should have just rolled out of bed and met them at the door...lol.

Comments

  • seof
    seof Member Posts: 819 Member
    #2
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    my thoughts
    I was fortunate to have a very understanding boss and group of co-workers. However, I think that I would not have let them get off as lightly as you did if they had acted as though I should not have taken off work. I think I would have said something like: "You want to know why I am not going back to work right away. Imagine you had to...(list all surgeries, Dr. visits, treatments, grocery shopping, driving kids around, etc etc as you have done in your post)" wait for it all to sink in to their imagination. "That's what I have to do and that is why I am not going back to work right away. Thank you for your concern".

    Aside from how to answer those who have no clue...You may already be aware, but the American cancer society can probably help you get in touch with folks who can help with some of the driving/running errands. There is also an organization called "cleaning angels" or some such that will come clean house for folk who have medical conditions that make it hard to do. I can't remember the name, but you might find them online.

    Take care and get better, seof.
  • aysemari
    aysemari Member Posts: 1,596 Member
    #3
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    Ya Knoaaaoww....
    one tries so hard to let things go and not let them bother you but it doesn't
    always work that way. I have never had more appreciation for the saying walk
    a mile in my shoes, as I have since my diagnosis. And this is one of the sole
    purposes of this board to come and feel understood and vent if needed.

    I remember how surprised I was after my mastectomy about the pain I was in.
    Here I had initially thought I can drive myself home... hahaha
    I don't feel that invincible anymore, no I feel rather raw. So outside people
    just REALLY don't know what it feels like.

    So that said, you have enough on your plate, and YOU of all people know
    what you can handle or not. Do what's best for you and that includes venting.

    Hugs,
    Ayse
  • aysemari
    aysemari Member Posts: 1,596 Member
    #4
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    Ya Knoaaaoww....
    one tries so hard to let things go and not let them bother you but it doesn't
    always work that way. I have never had more appreciation for the saying walk
    a mile in my shoes, as I have since my diagnosis. And this is one of the sole
    purposes of this board to come and feel understood and vent if needed.

    I remember how surprised I was after my mastectomy about the pain I was in.
    Here I had initially thought I can drive myself home... hahaha
    I don't feel that invincible anymore, no I feel rather raw. So outside people
    just REALLY don't know what it feels like.

    So that said, you have enough on your plate, and YOU of all people know
    what you can handle or not. Do what's best for you and that includes venting.

    Hugs,
    Ayse
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    #5
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    GRRRRRR!!!!
    Ignorance is bliss isn't it! Do not worry work will be there when you are better, you are what is important, your health and your well being not work. I was off for 9 months the first time, 18 months the second time so please......take care of yourself first! You know there is no harm in telling them exactly what the big picture is so they can try to be more understanding, why you would be going back to work tomorrow right after surgery is baffling to me.

    BIG HUGS, BE KIND TO YOURSELF!

    RE
  • pokrydi
    pokrydi Member Posts: 99
    #6
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    RE said:

    GRRRRRR!!!!
    Ignorance is bliss isn't it! Do not worry work will be there when you are better, you are what is important, your health and your well being not work. I was off for 9 months the first time, 18 months the second time so please......take care of yourself first! You know there is no harm in telling them exactly what the big picture is so they can try to be more understanding, why you would be going back to work tomorrow right after surgery is baffling to me.

    BIG HUGS, BE KIND TO YOURSELF!

    RE

    had this all typed out and
    had this all typed out and lost it!!!1
    Anyways what I learned from being a caregiver and making many hard decisions is that people just don't get it. I feel you have to actually experience it to understand it. I am currently working but start chemo in 2 days so who knows what will happen if i get sick I will be taking a short term disability. If you feel in your heart that you made the right decision for yourself thats all that matters. It's very hard not to let other comments get you down but remember they also have not been thru as much as you have. keep your head high and remember we care about you and are here whenever you need to lean on someone. Di
  • pinkflutterby
    pinkflutterby Member Posts: 615 Member
    #7
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    pokrydi said:

    had this all typed out and
    had this all typed out and lost it!!!1
    Anyways what I learned from being a caregiver and making many hard decisions is that people just don't get it. I feel you have to actually experience it to understand it. I am currently working but start chemo in 2 days so who knows what will happen if i get sick I will be taking a short term disability. If you feel in your heart that you made the right decision for yourself thats all that matters. It's very hard not to let other comments get you down but remember they also have not been thru as much as you have. keep your head high and remember we care about you and are here whenever you need to lean on someone. Di

    I understand its so hard.
    I understand its so hard. Unless you have been here you have no idea what we deal with. We may "look good" but feel good, strong, feel right well not so much!!! People are kind, but so unaware of what we deal with on a minute by minute basis!!
  • nadca
    nadca Member Posts: 14
    #8
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    pinkflutterby said:

    I understand its so hard.
    I understand its so hard. Unless you have been here you have no idea what we deal with. We may "look good" but feel good, strong, feel right well not so much!!! People are kind, but so unaware of what we deal with on a minute by minute basis!!

    People don't understand. I
    People don't understand. I was so depressed I left work 1 month after I found out. That was July 2009. I have had 4 surgeries and have exchange Fri. i was off work for 13 months. Do what feels right for you....
  • Hippiechick58
    Hippiechick58 Member Posts: 320
    #9
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    nadca said:

    People don't understand. I
    People don't understand. I was so depressed I left work 1 month after I found out. That was July 2009. I have had 4 surgeries and have exchange Fri. i was off work for 13 months. Do what feels right for you....

    I find that some people are
    I find that some people are basically in denial! This includes friends & family. If they were to take off their blinders and see what is actually in front of them, there is a chance they may feel guilty enough to actually do something for us. Or maybe we might ask for a small kindness like a ride to chemo or a meal cooked for the kids. It's safer being in denial. That way they can live their lives without feeling guilty.

    Don't worry about work. You'll return when you feel up to it.

    Be Well,
    Dianne
  • natly15
    natly15 Member Posts: 1,941
    #10
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    Why? Because it does bother
    Why? Because it does bother you and me and many others who have walked this walk. People dont have a clue as to what we experience, period!!! I repeat, these boards have been my saving grace for without these boards I would have been a raving maniac with most people and the things they say innocently thinking they are encouraging us.
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    #11
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    seof said:

    my thoughts
    I was fortunate to have a very understanding boss and group of co-workers. However, I think that I would not have let them get off as lightly as you did if they had acted as though I should not have taken off work. I think I would have said something like: "You want to know why I am not going back to work right away. Imagine you had to...(list all surgeries, Dr. visits, treatments, grocery shopping, driving kids around, etc etc as you have done in your post)" wait for it all to sink in to their imagination. "That's what I have to do and that is why I am not going back to work right away. Thank you for your concern".

    Aside from how to answer those who have no clue...You may already be aware, but the American cancer society can probably help you get in touch with folks who can help with some of the driving/running errands. There is also an organization called "cleaning angels" or some such that will come clean house for folk who have medical conditions that make it hard to do. I can't remember the name, but you might find them online.

    Take care and get better, seof.

    It's called cleaning for a
    It's called cleaning for a reason, check their website. They don't serve every area, only areas where a cleaning company has signed up.
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    #12
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    I agree 100% with Natly! and
    I agree 100% with Natly! and people trying to be encouraging, but actually offending, is just one more thing we now live with. I like to think it's part of what makes me strong, and that it makes me more compassionate too.

    Come vent anytime.

    Hugs,

    Linda
  • Survivor73
    Survivor73 Member Posts: 135
    #13
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    Gabe N Abby Mom said:

    I agree 100% with Natly! and
    I agree 100% with Natly! and people trying to be encouraging, but actually offending, is just one more thing we now live with. I like to think it's part of what makes me strong, and that it makes me more compassionate too.

    Come vent anytime.

    Hugs,

    Linda

    Thanks for you words....
    I know better, I am a very logical person and I know I should let the comments roll off or I should say something like, it's really hard dealing with what I'm going through...

    It's funny, my other SIL (whom I am very close with) said to me...so why are you sleeping so much?? I answered that I'm healing...and dealing with stress and for me sleep is very helpful...my body obviously needs it since I can sleep for 12-14 hours, stay awake for 8 hrs, then sleep againg for 10 hours or sometimes longer... Anytime I'm awake for a "normal" day - from 8am to midnight, I need to sleep for 14 hrs to get caught up...my family is just baffled...my hubby thinks I'm just being lazy...but I've trained him not to make these comments cause when he does I flip out on him...lol...

    Anyway, I'll just do whatever my body wants...it's in control these days...I just relax and do whatever I feel up to doing...

    Thanks for backing me up with this...hugs to all...
  • jendrey
    jendrey Member Posts: 377
    #14
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    Survivor73 said:

    Thanks for you words....
    I know better, I am a very logical person and I know I should let the comments roll off or I should say something like, it's really hard dealing with what I'm going through...

    It's funny, my other SIL (whom I am very close with) said to me...so why are you sleeping so much?? I answered that I'm healing...and dealing with stress and for me sleep is very helpful...my body obviously needs it since I can sleep for 12-14 hours, stay awake for 8 hrs, then sleep againg for 10 hours or sometimes longer... Anytime I'm awake for a "normal" day - from 8am to midnight, I need to sleep for 14 hrs to get caught up...my family is just baffled...my hubby thinks I'm just being lazy...but I've trained him not to make these comments cause when he does I flip out on him...lol...

    Anyway, I'll just do whatever my body wants...it's in control these days...I just relax and do whatever I feel up to doing...

    Thanks for backing me up with this...hugs to all...

    ...
    I would've been mightily tempted to say how I so appreciate the support these days and especially the unconditional acceptance of my personal health choices.

    But, that's just me! (sure, I can think this up after the fact but truthfully I probably would've did just as you did =)

    Most people just don't get it and sadly enough, never will.
  • camul
    camul Member Posts: 2,537
    #15
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    Because you still expect
    Because you still expect people to understand!

    I haven't worked this time since I was diagnosed and have met a few people from work for lunch and I get "but you look good, when are you coming back to work?" I tell them I look good because I don't have cancer in my face, I have cancer in my bones and skin, it affects my walking, sitting, sleeping etc.

    I know that until I first experienced it 9 years ago, I would have never known how many areas of my life cancer could affect, especially my boys! Cancer has affected every area of my being and all of those close to me, but I have had to educate my family on how I feel and the effects!

    Do what you have to do, this is about you and your life and take all the time you need!

    Prayers are with you!
  • ladyg
    ladyg Member Posts: 1,577
    #16
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    No one knows
    what we go through. I found out the hard way that work will go on even if you are not there. I almost ended up in the hospital because I thought I could just keep doing what I was doing and still go through treatment. It didn't work that way and now I know that my health comes before any job. Take the time you need and get yourself well before returning to work.

    Hugs,
    Georgia

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