Feb 28, 2011 - 10:10 pm
Background story: My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer is 1999. She had chemo and radiation and was in"remission" until 2007, thats when my family found out the cancer came back and metastasized to her bones. She had been fighting the cancer with chemo and bone meds. During Christmas break we found out the cancer metastasized again, its now in her spinal chord, her brain, and the meningeal layer. She had brain radiation that ended 2 months ago and that did a lot of damage to her cognitive ability and her physical health. She was mentally unstable for 5 weeks, she hardly ate, and lost A LOT of weight in the process, and it hasnt been recently that shes "come out of the fog." She is only 70% back to her old mental self, and the other 30% is the cancer causing her cognitive problems. She will no longer receive treatment and shes on hospice care. The cancer will continue to spread and it is slowly killing her. We also hired a caregiver to be with her on the 2 days none of us can be with her.
My mom's health, or lack there of, has been my family's life for the past 2 months and it is mentally draining my family. Those weeks where she was mentally unstable/mentally checked out did a lot of damage to my family bc my mom was verbally abusive. It was hard to see it as the cancer talking and not my mother. Bc she is physically weak, we have to help her get up, walk, and assist her to go to the bathroom.
We are losing a part of ourselves little by little. Being a caregiver is def taking a toll. We all do our best to try to have some positive aspect of our life, we try to live life outside of my parents house as normal as we can but its hard. The reality is that my mom's condition is at the forefront of our life. We have all put our life on hold, we are stagnant, we cant move forward bc we use our free time to be with her. I am angry that I my life is on hold and I am jealous of all my friends bc they are able to live a normal life.
I don't know what is better, knowing that my mom is dying or her dying unexpectedly? I have started the grieving process and I know that once my mom dies, although it will still be sad, I feel like I will be able to handle it better. I've gone through many grieving stages during these past 2 months, anger, bargaining, sadness, and I feel like right now I am finally accepting my mom's fate. I know her death is inevitable, I am just tired of this waiting game, and this is why I feel like I am a bad daughter. I want my life back though I know it wont be the same.
I love my mom a lot. But I know she is suffering and it kills me that I cant do anything and that she is dying. At the same time i dont know how much longer me and my family can deal with this, take this. We are all suffering and we all just want some peace. I just wish God would speed up the process so that we can have our peace. My mom doesn't deserve to suffer anymore...My family deserves to be happy.