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Feeling DOWN :(

childofthestars's picture
childofthestars
Posts: 246
Joined: Jan 2011

I'm having a really horrible time of it at the moment :(
My husband, who is really a good man, has been very miserable and short tempered for the past few weeks, i have to tread on eggshells around him which is quite stressful. When i ask what's the matter he says things like 'it's been a tough 9 months' (since my dx) and 'no-one has been there to support me' He says he doesn't want to talk to me about this as it might upset me! Today he was just sooooo horrible we had a huge argument which basically ended in the fact that he is so angry and frightened and doesn't mean to be mean to me but i'm the only one he feels he can talk to. I said that I can't be there for him as a councilor as I'm using all my energy to be positive. My husband is upset that i've been suffering with really achy joints as a side effect from treatment and it really upsets him to see me in discomfort. I've told him that it is getting better but he just can't seem to move on. It's almost as if he wants me to be a 'sick' person not try and be stoic.
I'm a really positive person, like all of us i've had my moments, but i've continued working thru everything and just want to get on with life NOT be labelled 'ill' and waiting for a recurrence. My husband has agreed to get some councilling but all of this just makes me feel so down and sad, i feel quite sorry for myself at the moment. I WANT MY LIFE BACK.

VictoriaSF
Posts: 165
Joined: Dec 2010

please stay positive, and it is ok to feel sorry for yourself from time to time.
on another hand try to understand your husband. most likely he is just stressed and tired from seeing his loving wife sick and in pain and not being able to help you to get rid of it. everything will be ok, just believe in it.
i have some issues too and sometime feeling down. My husband is great, but he is trying to downplay things - i understand he is doing it to make me feel better.
I do not need him to cry or be down,but all i wantfor him - be realistic and deal with the situation.
And try to be open about your feelings, talk more, discuss things.
it helps me.

good luck

Blessings
V

stella65
Posts: 150
Joined: Feb 2011

So sorry you feel like you do at the moment, as I am in a similar situation to your husband as it is my mum who has cancer, I can understand how he feels.... helpless, inadequate, it is so hard to see someone you love struggling with pain and you can do nothing to help, I also think that men find it harder to deal with these emotions, I am not excusing his actions and of course you need his love and support after all it is you who is ill. I hope he can get over his current issues and start supporting you more, this damn thing is so hard for everyone to cope with

Lots of love X

Disneynutt's picture
Disneynutt
Posts: 135
Joined: Aug 2009

It's really too bad you have to deal with this along with the "thing" from hell. :-) I don't have a husband so I am spared that difficulty. There is no doubt this disease is extremely difficult for everyone to deal with. Some people are better than others with it but it really can take its toll. Would you both consider therapy? I think that helps .. but I know a lot of men are resistant to this but it may be worth a try at least. What about books? There must be some self-help books out there??

I hope things improve. I don't think you need this extra stress since there is enough to go around already. Oh yes, and throw yourself a pity party whenever you like. It's no big deal. :-)

Best wishes to you,
Kate

carolenk's picture
carolenk
Posts: 909
Joined: Feb 2011

Sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time at the moment. I don't know if this will help you or not but I can relate to your situation because I also am a positive person by nature--its like I'm always driving the "happy car." Even with this horrific diagnosis, I can usually find something to be grateful for.

My husband seems to be the opposite of me UNLESS I get into a depressed mood. Then (for some strange reason), he seems to jump into the driver's seat of the "happy car." It is the darndest thing! I don't know why we BOTH can't be in the happy car at the same time but that's just how it is.

I am hoping that your husband feels better just being able to ventilate his feelings to you. Now does he have a "cave" to retreat to?

Hoping for better days for you,

Carolen

Pythiaschad
Posts: 22
Joined: Dec 2010

Just want to say that I am a husband who is afraid all the time and I too hate the fact the my wife has pains and is always tired. We found out a little over a week ago that her thyroid is now screwed up and I was so pissed that I about fell down a flight of stairs at work. But, every night I am glad that she is still fighting. Best of wishes to you and your husband.

msfanciful
Posts: 580
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi,
My name is Sharon, it's been a while since I've been on the board.

I have stage iv ovca and have lived with it now for 4 years this month actually.

I've been through the very same thing as you and the most important I can tell you is to truly communicate with your husband as honestly as you can. My husband later broke down afterwards and explained " I just want things to get back to normal." I told him "Hellloooo, you think I don't" sheesh! I'm the one with the cancer here!

I've never been one to seek pity, but you're going to have to express to your husband that your "mean" attitude is not helping me to heal and in order to beat this cancer you two will have to confide in each other and fight together. (When I say "beat this cancer", I mean spiritually as well as possibly physically).

He's probably terrified that his wife is in pain and he can't do anything about it. He's out of his comfort zone.

So as unfair as it may seem, try to understand his fear and for you this would be an excellent time to focus on meditating and staying as positive as possible.

My husband and I have been married for 32 wonderful years and us conquering this illness by not allowing it to disrupt our love and respect for each other makes me want to continue on through this journey with him even more.

I hope the best for you.

Sharon

poopergirl14052's picture
poopergirl14052
Posts: 1149
Joined: Nov 2010

I posted a similer post awhile back. My hubby's plant closed and he is now unemployed. He gets kinda moody and short tempered at times. I want to talk about my feelings about my illness but he doen't want to talk about it . I think he is very afraid. I am currently undergoing tx and continue to work part-time. He cooks and cleans and shops. That is why this boaed is important to me. Everyone is in the same boat. Your hubby loves you and is very afraid and hates to see you suffer. We all want our old life back but we must just focus on life itself....val

Mum2bellaandwilliam's picture
Mum2bellaandwilliam
Posts: 414
Joined: Oct 2010

Hi Michelle ,

I am sorry you are going through this with your hubby , it must be hard for him to see you poorly and not being able to take this illness away from both of you.I know I feel helpless with my mum, it is so difficult to stand and watch your loved one go through this, oh for a magic wand to banish this b***** d away !!! If only!
Hope your appointment goes well tomorrow, see what you can find out.

Liz xx

childofthestars's picture
childofthestars
Posts: 246
Joined: Jan 2011

I will let you know how all goes tomorrow and i haven't forgotten to ask about IP chemo.
You know the funny thing is I really don't feel like i've gone thru that much at all and apart from these stupid aches and pains I feel good. I don't see myself as a victim of this crap disease I just see it as sh**t just happenz!
Take care.
Michelle x

kikz's picture
kikz
Posts: 1267
Joined: Jun 2010

Michelle. I refuse to be a victim because then I feel "it" the crap disease as you put it wins. I have been able to stay upbeat most of the time by the grace of God and loving friends and family. I'd be a liar if I didn't admit to some real down times, but that was mostly because I was so sick from the chemo.

I lost my mate of almost thirty years in 2007. I sometimes wish so badly that he was here to hold me and tell me everything will be alright. But then I remember how he couldn't deal with me being sick. If I just felt out of sorts and laid down for awhile he would come in every few minutes to see how I was doing. I'd tell him I'm not dying I just feel kind of sick. He would say, I don't want anything to happen to you. I can't imagine how devastated he would be with me having cancer. Like most men, if he couldn't fix it, he couldn't handle it. So as much as I miss him, I know he would not be making this any easier.

Karen

childofthestars's picture
childofthestars
Posts: 246
Joined: Jan 2011

I just wanted to give a big (((hug))) to all of you ladies and gentleman who have written your thoughts on this thread, it's been very helpful :)
Michelle x

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