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cancer of the larynx

jsd
Posts: 5
Joined: Jan 2011

hi everyone, can anyone help? my partner of 5 years split up with me last september saying that he still loved me but wasnt in love with me anymore. he blamed things on the situation we were in and it wasnt untill after christmas that he finally told me that he had had 5 lumps removed , 1 from the lower throat, 2 from the colon and 2 from the testicles. he then said that 1 came back cancerous but told me not to ask him about it as he didnt want to talk or explain things although he did tell me that the chemo started early october. hes been so moody with me since the split and because i didnt know about the cancer to start off with it was very difficult to accept his behaviour . he kept telling me that hes moved on and that i had to do the same and accept that its over etc .when i found out about the cancer i natually wanted to help but all i got when i offered was " dont want or need your help ,i just want to be left alone " yet when other people offered he would thank them and say that he appreciated it. the more i tried to do things to help the more he pushed me away untill it got to the point where i just gave up and totally blanked him. i felt guilty especially after reading some of the messages on this site as i know his behaviour is not unusual for someone suffering with cancer but it was upsetting me too much at the time especially as we used to be so close and tell each other everything no matter how personal. after ignoring him for about 3 weeks (even when he came over to say hello) he finally told me that the cancer was in the larynx and that he has 2 more months of chemo left. so why have i asked for help ??? well basically i was wondering whether anyone else had been through a similar experience either as a sufferer or as a carer and if so can you give me any advice on how to cope with the mood swings and how best to help or support him without winding him up also whether you think things may improve once the treatment stops etc. any help or advice would be very much appreciated , i know hes going through hell but its not easy for me watching the man i love so much go through something like this on his own . i just want to be there for him and desperately want him back.
thanks for reading .
jsd x

mandalynne
Posts: 11
Joined: Jan 2011

my mom has been through cancer and chemo 3 times. This time it was in her colon and spread to her liver, rectum and now her pancreas and she doesn't have much time left. She's always in extreme pain and even the pain meds don't help. What I can tell you is that when she previously went through Ovarian and Breast cancer, the chemo treatments always made her moody and sick. But she was moody because she was always in so much pain and nausea from the Chemo. All you can do is what they will let you do. Bring him water or medicine when he's been throwing up due to the chemo, sit with him when he just needs someone to listen to him. Just tell him that when he wants or needs your help, you'll be there. I think that alone will make him feel better. If he has to go through radiation after the chemo, it will feel like a constant sunburn and he will be in more pain. It just takes a lot of energy and patients, you can only listen and be there for him when he wants you there. My mom always tried to be the strong one but when they get so weak from the chemo, they need us then. If you need to talk, i'm here and i understand what you're going through.

Wishing you all the best and your partner

Mandy

jsd
Posts: 5
Joined: Jan 2011

hi mandy
thank you so much for replying.i found out the other day having seen my ex drive past me with another woman in his car that he is hoping to start a relationship with her now. im absolutely devastated. hes drived past me 3 times now with her beside him. we both work as bus drivers for the same company and non of the other drivers have seen her in the car with him so its as if hes trying to rub my face in it now.its been so painful first the split then finding out he had cancer and now this its really done me in. its obvious he just doesnt want me in his life anymore yet all ive tried to do and all i want to do is help him. i cant keep blaming his actions on the chemo or the cancer. hes hurt me so much now so much so that i ended up dumping all the things hes given me in the past ie teddies love notes etc on his car the other day including 2 photos of me and him which i ripped in half. according to one of the drivers he was very shocked to see the stuff there and very upset to see the photos. yes i feel guilty coz of what hes going through but he hasnt once seemed to care about what hes putting me through. ive tried so hard to help him and to get him back which he says pushed him away in the end but since learning about the cancer ive done everything the way he wants it. ive left him alone ive not pestered him for information etc yet he still ends up hurting me without a second thought. i cant see any hope for us now , ive spent hours on the computer every night reading up on cancer and treatments trying my best to understand it all for nothing. if this other woman wasnt on the seen i would still feel there was some hope but now i dont see the point. am i being unfair ??? i still love him dearly and would do anything to get him back but ive been pushed to the limit now .

jsd x

mandalynne
Posts: 11
Joined: Jan 2011

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Sometimes those who get cancer get what's called a "new lease on life". Whether this takes them in a better direction or worse direction in life is a choice that belongs to each of us. As much as you love him, it looks like he's trying to go in a different direction than you. Don't follow him there, he needs to take his own road and if he doesn't want you there, you are so much better off without him. You diserve someone who will love and appreciate you for the things you do, for the good and bad parts of you. Not someone who is going to turn tail and run from you when things get hard. These are just my suggestions, it's your life, but I would not want a guy i'd been seeing to think i'm pinning over him when he's with another woman. He needs to think you're over him and if he comes back, you'll know, but i wouldn't sit around wasting your nights when the person you are meant to be with is somewhere out there and he'll treat you better than your ex treated you. So NO, you are not being unfair. If his treatments are working, then he should get better soon and that's something he needs to be thankfull for. All i know, is that having cancer makes you see that life is a short and precious thing that should be lived to the fullest. So don't let yours pass you by waiting for someone you're obviously better off without.

Good luck
~Mandy~

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