I'm on my 3rd glass of wine....sigh....(depressed and tipsy)

KathiM
KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
edited February 2011 in Breast Cancer #1
The wierdest conversation I have had in my life (and I have had MANY, as you can imagine) is one earlier tonight with my sister...concerning our mom....

So, the short of it is: I said "I feel that mom is trapped inside a body that is no longer capable of sustaining life without LOTS of help. We need to find out what is keeping hospice out of the picture, and stop whatever it is!"

Now, I am (as you all know) a fairly positive, pro-living sort of person. But mom is to the place that she doesn't recognize anyone, and now the latest is a bowel infection, with constant diarreha. Sigh...no easy solution here. But, I swear she was trying to leave life at Christmas...starving herself...

I am certain that everyone is waiting until I get back to America. But, what can I do that others can't? "It is what it is" after all. Sigh...

Thanks for listening to me ramble...as I said, it's my 3rd glass of wine, and I arrived home today after spending time with my beau's ex-sister-in-law (YOU do the math...I sure cannot!).

BIG hugs, Kathi

Comments

  • Bella Luna
    Bella Luna Member Posts: 1,578 Member
    #2
    I am sorry to hear you
    I am sorry to hear you Mother is not doing well. I can remember when my Mother was very ill also. The tables have turned. You and your family are now the ones making decisions as primary caretakers. It sounds like your family doesn't feel comfortable making decisions without your physical presence. I feel for you. I will offer prayers and ask God to grant your Mother comfort, peace, and no pain.

    It's tough place to be in KathyM. Bear hugs to you.
    XXOO
    BL
  • jo jo
    jo jo Member Posts: 1,175
    #3
    IT just never ends does
    IT just never ends does it...its always one thing after another. Life is so unfair at times. What i would give just to have some peace of mind with no worries, no unwanted drama just for one week! Im sorry about your mom and your situation but someday things have to start looking up. Just keep your chin up and maybe less of the glasses of wine. LOL!
  • marilyndbk
    marilyndbk Member Posts: 238 Member
    #4
    hang in there
    Kathi--so sorry to hear. Seems we have so little control over some things. I hope tomorrow is a new day with new strength and courage. Take care. Marilyn
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #5
    marilyndbk said:

    hang in there
    Kathi--so sorry to hear. Seems we have so little control over some things. I hope tomorrow is a new day with new strength and courage. Take care. Marilyn

    This is so difficult with
    This is so difficult with family so far away.I am sorry your mother is so ill. wishing you peace.
  • GreeneyedGirl
    GreeneyedGirl Member Posts: 1,077
    #6
    carkris said:

    This is so difficult with
    This is so difficult with family so far away.I am sorry your mother is so ill. wishing you peace.

    It is tough~
    watching ones we love, deteriorate from life~ whether it is cancer or alztheimers...(sp) disease robs us of the ones we love~ being a caregiver is one tough position to be in. Taking time away is important for yourself. I hope the wine helped you relax. Enjoy your time away Kathi~ all too soon you will be back to the position of helping close at hand~
    You can vent anytime to us~
    Melanie~
  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member
    #7
    GreeneyedGirl said:

    It is tough~
    watching ones we love, deteriorate from life~ whether it is cancer or alztheimers...(sp) disease robs us of the ones we love~ being a caregiver is one tough position to be in. Taking time away is important for yourself. I hope the wine helped you relax. Enjoy your time away Kathi~ all too soon you will be back to the position of helping close at hand~
    You can vent anytime to us~
    Melanie~

    It is difficult for some to take the 'bull' by the horns, and
    initiate thinking outside the box. You see, you've done it all .. been the thinker, do-er of the 'group' family .. so it is difficult for them to pick up the baton -- and continue on with the race, without you -- giving direction -- every step of the way.

    We are strong, independent Women, who require little, to no prodding in getting things accomplished to our liking, and preference. So it most difficult, insane that others i.e. our family, can not react and resolve issues that come up with Mom without .. falling by the wayside .. and lift their arms up in the air .. yelling === 'what am I suppose to do' ? what can I do .. or, you want me to do what!

    Hells, bells .. give me the number to your Mom care facility .. and I'll help get things resolved! Hospice, and all. I can be there in 45 minutes time! No joke .. a promise.

    Otherwise, have another glass of wine .. wait 20 minutes, and make that call to your sister, that you've longed to make.

    I am sorry for this predicament with Mom, but she is mom to the two of you. It is time for sister to grow up, and tend to mom and her medical needs. asap!

    Vicki Sam
  • Jean 0609
    Jean 0609 Member Posts: 2,462
    #8
    Oh Kathi,
    You cannot do anything for your mother here than you can over there, so I hope you aren't feeling any guilt. If so, have another glass of wine! I will continue to keep your mother in my prayers.

    xoxo,
    Jean
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    #9
    Awww Kathi...
    I have kept you and your Mom in my prayers. It becomes a matter of quality of life, as it did with my Mom. I still, to this day, wish that my Mom had passed when she had her stroke. It would have been heart wrenching, but given the fact that she lingered for three years in a basically vegetative state, bed sores, hip fracture at one point....we would have mourned her loss, but she would have been spared the misery she went through.

    It would be very, very sad to lose your Mom. But if she is suffering, physically and mentally, with no real hope of improving, then you wishing peace for your Mom is, in my mind, compassionate and caring.

    Whatever happens, I will continue to keep you and she in my prayers.

    Giant hugs for you.

    CR
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #10
    There is a lot to be said
    There is a lot to be said for conscience~ that and our name, which are linked, come to think of it. As you know, Kathi, the most unexpected things happen to us. Both good and bad. Wanted and certainly unwanted. As a wise person said, it isn't so much what happens to us, it is how we react to what happens to us which shows our true mettle.

    Of course I don't know where you will be when your mama passes; home, Holland, or someplace inbetween. One thing I do know~ if you didn't have a good relationship with her, if you hadn't already done all you can be be the daughter she loves and is proud of, if she doesn't already know how much you love her...well, even being there wouldn't make up for that. But she does know all of those things about you and more. You have no amends to make, you have nothing to make up for...you are a nurturing, loving daughter. Who may or may not be there at her passing.

    My darling mama was in a similar medical situation as yours...and I also was not nearby. My sister, who was near, had a young daughter at home asleep and an out of town husband when the hospital called in the middle of the night to say mama was near death. My sister was not emtionally equipped to wrap up her baby and drive only to say goodbye...she knew she would fall apart and not be able to get home again. While we were on the phone talking about it, her other line rang...it was the news we knew was coming, but didn't want to hear. My sister and I have always thought that the 3 of us were indeed together~ none of us was alone. She and I have clung to that belief for 13 years~ and we have peace.

    I wish you and your mama and sister the same peace. I raise my glass of wine to you, sweet Kathi.

    Hugs,
    Claudia
  • sea60
    sea60 Member Posts: 2,613
    #11
    I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
    It's a tough sometimes when so many people rely on you. One of the hardest things ever is to see a loved one suffering. I send my thoughts and prayers of strength. I'm glad you're relaxing a bit.

    Hugs,

    Sylvia
  • ladyg
    ladyg Member Posts: 1,577
    #12
    Kathi
    I am sorry that your Mom is not doing well. You should not feel guilty because you are not here. There is probably nothing you could do that your sister can't. She needs to take charge and not put more stress on you. You have a lot to deal with and need to take care of yourself.

    Hugs,
    Georgia
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #13
    There is a lot to be said
    double post...sorry
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #14
    ladyg said:

    Kathi
    I am sorry that your Mom is not doing well. You should not feel guilty because you are not here. There is probably nothing you could do that your sister can't. She needs to take charge and not put more stress on you. You have a lot to deal with and need to take care of yourself.

    Hugs,
    Georgia

    Kathi
    I am really sorry and cannot give any advice
    My mother-in-a law is in the similar conditions and I see my husband facing reality every day.
    We have hired her a permanent aid and treated diarrhea, stabilize her and made it manageable.
    I do not think anybody can easy make decision like this and feel comfortable or at peace.
    Hugs
  • aysemari
    aysemari Member Posts: 1,596 Member
    #15
    Me and mom
    Kathi,

    for me it was different and I don't know your relationship with your mom.
    My mom meant the world to me. I was having visa issues and was trying
    really hard to get a permit to see my mom but I was too late and did not
    get a chance to say good bye... It was hard to forgive myself for it and I
    am not quiet sure if I really have.

    I am so sorry that your mom is not doing well. I hope her situation will
    improve and she won't be in too much pain. It seems to me like you are
    a very strong person. And in hard times people look to strong people to
    take a lead. But I realize you have been through a lot and you may not
    be able to tolerate that much stress and if your mother wouldn't recognize
    you anyway, maybe it's best to stay where you are. Just make sure you
    are ok with your decision.

    Kathi here's to your amazing strength and lust for life!!
    Love,
    Ayse
  • yv1214
    yv1214 Member Posts: 72
    #16
    aysemari said:

    Me and mom
    Kathi,

    for me it was different and I don't know your relationship with your mom.
    My mom meant the world to me. I was having visa issues and was trying
    really hard to get a permit to see my mom but I was too late and did not
    get a chance to say good bye... It was hard to forgive myself for it and I
    am not quiet sure if I really have.

    I am so sorry that your mom is not doing well. I hope her situation will
    improve and she won't be in too much pain. It seems to me like you are
    a very strong person. And in hard times people look to strong people to
    take a lead. But I realize you have been through a lot and you may not
    be able to tolerate that much stress and if your mother wouldn't recognize
    you anyway, maybe it's best to stay where you are. Just make sure you
    are ok with your decision.

    Kathi here's to your amazing strength and lust for life!!
    Love,
    Ayse

    Kathi
    I am so sorry. I hope that God continues to give you strength and peace to deal with this situation.

    Yessy
  • pinkkari09
    pinkkari09 Member Posts: 877
    #17
    Kathi, I'm so sorry you are
    Kathi, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm not sure of the whole story with your Mom but from what you wrote, I gather she is very ill and you are searching for peace/comfort for her. As I read your post it took me back to Nov/Dec 2007 when my Mom was in hospice (lung cancer) and we (me and my brothers) were faced with a very tough decision. We knew Mom was no longer with us (mentally)and her physical state was diminishing slowly (she had a living will, no tubes, no artificial feeding) this was perhaps the most difficult time in my life. My Mom was my best friend, she was my teacher, she was.....my everything. I'm saying I can relate to a dear loved one being ill and I want you to know I'm praying for you, and I'm praying you find the peace/comfort you/Mom/your family so deserve. If you ever want to talk, PM me and know I'm here for you!! I know wine is not the answer, but it sure does help numb the pain.
    Miles of Love to you my Dear Dutch Friend,
    ~Kari
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    #18
    Sorry to hear that you are
    Sorry to hear that you are down, Sunny Kathi. You are right, "It is what it is." Here is a hug and a toast to a better day. xoxoxox Lynn
  • pattimc
    pattimc Member Posts: 431
    #19
    lynn1950 said:

    Sorry to hear that you are
    Sorry to hear that you are down, Sunny Kathi. You are right, "It is what it is." Here is a hug and a toast to a better day. xoxoxox Lynn

    Sorry Kathi
    It's so hard to see our loved ones health diminish. It's heart wrenching....hope today is a better day for you. Praying for you and your mom. Oh, and next time you're feeling down and are on your third glass, I'll join you in solidarity!!!

    Love,

    Patti
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    #20
    pattimc said:

    Sorry Kathi
    It's so hard to see our loved ones health diminish. It's heart wrenching....hope today is a better day for you. Praying for you and your mom. Oh, and next time you're feeling down and are on your third glass, I'll join you in solidarity!!!

    Love,

    Patti

    It sounds like your sister
    It sounds like your sister is afraid to decisions alone. I don't think that you rushing home to take charge will change a thing. I suggest you tell her what you would do and then tell her that it is up to her to either follow this lead or make some decisions on her own. I think that one of the hardest things is when our loved ones have left us mentally but not physically especially when the rest of their health is going downhill. Your sister needs to get hospice on board and if your mom is receiving any life prolonging treatment have it stopped if that is your wish. Being the strong sibling is a tough position to be in. That is who I was also. I think that is so our brothers and/or sisters can abdicate some of their responsiblity. They feel blameless when things go wrong or at least not their way. Maybe your sister just doesn't know what to do or maybe she wants you to take charge. But she is there and you are not and she should be able to talk with you and then do what needs to be done. I will keep your mom in my prayers and you and your sister too. You have done so much for so many and you have faced so many trials in your life so I hope that your sister steps up and does what needs to be done to make your mom comfortable and cared for now. Again, my good thoughts and prayers and another bottle of wine too.
    Stef
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    #21
    so very sorry
    Oh Kathi I am so sorry this is what is on your plate I wish i could make it better. The most I can do is to let you know you and your mom continue in my prayers. Mom's are so special as I am sure yours is, hold her near to your heart and love her always.

    Giant Hugs,

    RE

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