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While filing my income taxes...

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

It's funny how one thought can lead to another, and another, and another. I went to our CPA today to have our taxes prepared and filed. I was mainly thinking and hoping that I had every form I needed. At the end he recommended that I have with holdings done as single with no dependents. Ok, so first time I will be "single" in forever!

When I had left his office, I began to think and wonder, when do people stop wearing their wedding rings? I'm sure somewhere there is etiquette for this written. But I really wasn't thinking in terms of being proper, more of, when and why do they stop wearing their wedding rings?

As I've written before, the law and the church, both decree that I am no longer married. I KNOW that, it takes two people to make a union, a marriage, in both those terms. And at first it made me angry, why do they get to say I'm no longer married, while my heart feels married? Lately, though, and I suppose it comes from a degree of acceptance from my part, as I place my rings on my finger, I just wonder. And hey, my rings are beautiful, I love to see them on my hand. Dennis selected them for me.

But somehow, they don't feel the same as they used to. So I was just wondering if any of you have thought about this matter, what did you feel, what did you do? I continue to wear mine, but am wondering why when I look at them now, the "luster" is fading.

I thank you all for the "safeness" I feel here. I can ask or discuss things that sometimes are difficult to share with even family, knowing you will not judge me. You will listen, share your thoughts and experiences and I am so grateful to know you all.

Lucy

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi Lucy,

Was glad to see your posting on this subject, as I too have been giving this some thought. My Terry is gone 8 months now. I still feel very much married and I THINK the perception is that removing one's rings is a sign of moving away and toward a new relationship. This could not be further from the truth. I don't know when I will move my rings. I love my rings and will eventually move them to my right hand. I was told that removing your rings is more a part of the process of letting go and accepting the change in your life. I guess I am not ready to do that. As with everything in this process, I think it comes down to what feels right for you and when it feels right. Ring or no ring your husband will always be a part of your life, always in your heart. This probably did not help much, more rambling on my part. Will be interested to see what others post.
Becky

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

I still got to claim married on my taxes because Michael passed after the new year. But is was an "ouchie" reminder that next year my filing status changes. I haven't thought much about my rings, though. In the movies the moving or removing of the rings is always a sign of starting a new relationship. Some thing I won't be ready for in a long time, if ever. I'm still struggling with the "shopping for one" concept : )

My grandmother wore her wedding ring until she passed, although my grandfather had been gone for 20 years. Her return address always said, "Mrs. William Kamp", but then, that was a different time. I've found that theres a deeper grief associated with losing a spouse. I think it has to do with "the two shall become one flesh", because despite the physical loneliness, there's a spiritual loneliness that feels different than when my mom died last year. Anyway, my ring is staying on my left hand for the foreseeable future. That's just my rambling take on it this morning.
Penny

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

I don't mind single as much as widow. I don't know why.

Rings? I asked several people about this - some long time widows and my sons. The answer was always the same. Take them off when and if you feel it is right for you. My first thought was that It would never feel right. Then after fielding a couple of questions from relative strangers who didn't know my husband was gone and having to explain, I had second thoughts. In the end, I took my rings off my finger on the first anniversary of his death and now wear them on a long chain around my neck. I have one advantage though. For our 40 th anniversary, Doug had a ring made with my birthstone and his wedding ring. He rarely wore his ring because of his work. I wear this ring on my right hand where Doug placed it. It is shaped like a heart, and I love it. I still think the only answer about wedding rings is the same. Take them off when you feel it's right. Wear them forever if you want. I gave it a lot of thought. I knew Doug would understand whatever my decision was. I know that it is not a decision that is easy to make. Who would have thought that something that seems so simple would be so hard. Maybe rules would make it easier. Fay

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Lucy,
I wore my ring on my left hand for about 8 months, then finally put it on my right hand. Tom had just got a new one for me a few years ago. Way too expensive to just put in a drawer. It was a weird feeling to do that, but loved him and at least I feel like he's close to me when I wear it. Take care! "Carole"

Hatshepsut's picture
Hatshepsut
Posts: 340
Joined: Nov 2006

This is an interesting discussion.

Obviously we all have "things" from our lives (lives before cancer took our loved ones) that we treasure---items that evoke fond memories and give us comfort.

For some, it may be a ring. For others, it may be a photograph or a piece of art or a poem or song.

When my husband died nine months ago, I took his wedding band and added it to my ring finger along with my wedding band. It gives me comfort to wear it and a feeling of closeness to him. I guess that, in the great scheme of things, I'm a ring-remembrance person. I still wear my grandmother's engagement ring on my right hand. She was the kindest person in my childhood.

I don't think there is any one prescription for how to handle grief and renewal.

Good wishes to all of you.

Hatshepsut

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Oops, forgot to say that I also am wearing my husbands wedding band. Not sure if I'll ever stop wearing my rings on my right hand. Just a comfort to have them on even though he is no longer with me. It's interesting to hear how everyone feels about this, right?
Take care & hope you're doing okay. "Carole"

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

I'm still new at this whole widow thing, so please bear with me.

From what I understand, you can file married for 2 years after as long as you meet the requirements. Just a thought.

I took Patrick's wedding band and claddaugh off his hand a week before he left, kind of to let him know it was okay to go, not in the way that I wanted to tell him I no longer wanted to be married to him. I already knew that the day he passed I would no longer be able to wear my wedding band and my claddaugh. Both of them meant to me that he is still here, and he isn't. I moved my emerald to my left hand, and wear his wedding band on my right. And it will stay that way until I'm ready.

They are in my jewelry box and I will always keep them. I just can't wear them.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

April, Guess I'm dumb, but what the heck is a claddaugh?????Don't know where the heck I'd stick that!!!
I took my taxes in this morning. I was told that because Tom died in March 2010 tha I would still be classified married. But next year I'd have to file as a single person. I don't know anything about taxes since tom always did ours with Turbo Tax on the computer. He always wanted me to sit & watch how he did it, but I had no interest. So little did I know that I would soon be on my own. Luckily he filed them the beginning of March last year and he died the 25th.
Anyhow, whatever you want to do and feel comfortable with about the rings & that darn claddaugh (whatever the heck that is) is okay.
Hope you're doing okay! I'm really sick of all our snow & ice on the driveway. Spring can come anyday. Take care! Carole

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

The Claddagh's distinctive design features two hands clasping a heart, and usually surmounted by a crown. The elements of this symbol are often said to correspond to the qualities of love (the heart), friendship (the hands), and loyalty (the crown).

Claddagh rings may be used as friendship, relationship, eternity, engagement, or wedding rings depending on the intention of wearer and, in the case of a gift, of the giver. There are three traditionally accepted ways of wearing the ring which may signal someone's relationship status:[1]

1. When worn on the right ring finger with the heart pointing to the fingertip, the wearer is free of any attachment.

2. On the same finger with the ring turned around, it suggests someone is romantically involved.

3. When the ring is on the left hand wedding ring finger it means the person is married or engaged

- from Wikipedia

I always told people that a Claddagh is an Irish wedding band, mine had a pretty diamond for the heart.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

April,
That ring sounds real neat! I don't think I'd ever stop wearing that.Who was Irish you or Patrick? I'll have to ask my friend who's hubby is Irish, but she is really into geneology and always both of them work at Irish Fest in Milwaukee. I'd love a ring like that even though I"m not Irish. Hey girl, besides being funny, your interesting!!
Take care! How are you doing? Carole

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

April,
Just wanted to tell you that this morning when I went to the coffee shop, my friend who's Irish was there. I asked her if she ever heard of that Claddagh? She said "yes, and held up her hand and had one of those rings. It's beautiful! Tom was part Irish, and I'd love to get one to wear in his memory. Is that dumb???
Hope you're doing okay today. I posted on one of your other postings where you talked about "Silence" in the house. I do understand totally what you're going through!!!
Take Care April! "Carole"

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

April,
Just wanted to tell you that this morning when I went to the coffee shop, my friend who's Irish was there. I asked her if she ever heard of that Claddagh? She said "yes, and held up her hand and had one of those rings. It's beautiful! Tom was part Irish, and I'd love to get one to wear in his memory. Is that dumb???
Hope you're doing okay today. I posted on one of your other postings where you talked about "Silence" in the house. I do understand totally what you're going through!!!
Take Care April! "Carole"

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

No, it's not silly at all to want a claddagh, however I should warn you that it is also tradition to never purchase your own claddagh, but for it to be given to you. I'll let you figure out how to do that :)

Some days are better than others. Posted a total rant - as of now no takers. Guess I finally showed my bada$$ side a bit too much ha ha.

And other than fur children, it's just me. And they are cats so that makes the silence worse. Good thing they have bells on or else I would truly go crazy.

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

April,
Dennis had much Irish in him, his mom's maiden name: Devlin. I am not of Irish descend, but my love had given me an emerald as well. Always wore it on my right hand. I was also given a claddaugh by my mother-in-law. Small world, I have begun to wear my emerald on my left hand!

I pray that you are resting and regaining strength with every day.

Lucy

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

I still put my ring on most days. It would feel naked without it. I haven't given much thought as to when I wouldn't wear it anymore. Actually, I've been wearing the anniversay ring that Ken bought me for our 25th anniversary. It was outrageously expensive and I didn't really want a new ring because I loved my original wedding ring. Ken was always giving me grief about needing to wear it more. While he was in the hospital for his laryngectomy, a small diamond fell out of my original wedding ring. With all that was going on in the following months I never had time to investigate having it repaired so I started wearing the anniversary ring instead. I was just thinking the other day whether I wanted to invest money in having the first one repaired. Haven't made up my mind yet. Probably will just in case I want to pass it down to one of my children.

My own father died when I was a young girl. My mom remarried a few years later. When I got married, she presented me with a necklace on the morning of my wedding that was made from the wedding rings from my father. That was such a treasure and made it feel like he was there with me on that important day. Perhaps I can do the same for my daughter one day.
Debbie

MissTodd's picture
MissTodd
Posts: 28
Joined: Jan 2011

before I leave for work is put on my wedding rings. I keep Todds ring on a chain that I wear when I feeling a little stress. It reminds me how short life can be and I dont need to sweat the small stuff.
Peace, hope and love, Amy

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

At this point, I continue to wear mine and think I will continue to do so for a long time. I was thinking of wearing Mike's ring on a chain around my neck too, so I am glad you mentioned that you are doing this too Amy. Thanks.

ktlcs's picture
ktlcs
Posts: 360
Joined: Jan 2010

I wear my wedding ring every day and Hank's ring on a chaine around my neck along with a charm that my mom gave me that says "when a loved one becomes a memory the memory becomes
a treasure" I don't think I will ever take my rings off

Kathy

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