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I feel like a stranger...

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
Posts: 1580
Joined: May 2009

It's been so long since I have responded to any posts that I feel like a newbie. I have not been in a happy place for several months so I felt it best to just stay away from these boards since I couldn't be of any help to anyone. Still not in a great place but I am slowly getting back to my old self.

Life was going good until December, I then had a couple of scares that brought me down and we all know that the waiting for test results doesn't help our mental state any. I try to remember Joe's famous words "It is what it is". I know worrying won't change the results and try to keep myself busy while I'm waiting so I won't waste my time worrying. I do pretty good during the day but when I'm laying in bed at night trying to fall asleep the doubts sneak back in.

The first 2 scares...questionable mammogram results and a biopsy of "something" in my sinuses turned out to be nothing. Went for my 6 month CT scan and the rad onc told me there were "subtle changes" so now my scans are going before the review board. I will know by March 2nd what their decision and recommendations are. I'm trying very hard to convince myself that this is just another scare and I will be fine. The only down side is that my doctor told me that no matter what the findings of the review board were I will be going back on a 3 month schedule for my scans. In a way it's good because they will know sooner if anything continues to change.

It's been 21 months since my diagnosis and life has been good so I guess I should be thankful instead of whining :)

Thanks for listening to me!!

Glenna

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Glenna,
I am so happy to see your grandson's smiling face again! Somehow I bet there is a lot of your smiling face in his. I am sorry to see that you have been going through a rough patch. I was one of those that you offered comfort and encouragement when I first came here. Your insight was very helpful. I was my husband's caregiver, and at the beginning, could not understand the perspective of the cancer survivor. I read yours, and other survivors thoughts and feelings, and that was a blessing!

You see, he could go on for hours about politics, religion, the Chicago Cubs and Bears, but when it came to his diagnosis, he never really was able to open up, deal or express too much.

He went to his eternal life on Dec. 20th, and now I'm a "surviving caregiver". I still come to this thread, especially when I notice a post from a friend. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong here anymore. But have begun to tell myself that I met many wonderful people here, and I still care very much about them. I have also become an advocate for all cancers, but specifically, lung cancer. I will continue to wage battle against this monster! I will continue to tell anyone that will listen how under-funded the research is, and how more needs to be done!

I will continue to pray for your well being and happiness!

Lucy

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
Posts: 1580
Joined: May 2009

Lucy,
I don't care how down I am I always smile whenever I see a picture of Maven. He is my pride and joy and one of the things that have kept me going. I won't say much more about him because once I get started I don't stop, he really is such a cutie and he is such a happy little boy, even when he is sick he is still smiling and happy.

I read your posts when your husband lost his battle, it broke my heart. Please never feel that you don't belong here anymore. You have played such a big part on this board for so long that you have become one of the family. Your insight, advice and encouragement will always be welcome here.

I am really not doing too bad right now, I have a feeling of calmness that still mystifies me. Nights are the only time when I let the doubts sneak back in, I don't really let them, they just have a way of popping up when I'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep. Two weeks isn't really that long of a time to wait for result so I will be fine. It helps that our weather has finally started to warm up a little and I'm able to get outside for a short walk the last couple of days. Having cabin fever on top of everything else is not good - LOL.

Thank you for your beautiful letter and for keeping me in your prayers. I continue to pray for all of us who have cancer and especially for those who have lost a loved one. I'd also like to thank you for being here when I needed to talk.

My best to you always,
Glenna

medi_2's picture
medi_2
Posts: 506
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi! I have missed you. I just went through a similair scenario recently. Had to re-take the mammogram because the doc saw something 'questionable'. Apparently it was just breast tissue. Imagine that being in there ;). About the same time I had my 6 month CAT and something questionable on that concerned my doc enough to order a PET. It jus turned out to be inflammation. Whew! I am also at just under 2 years. Even with this I am still in a little bit of a funk, so the relief has not been immediate.
So... I say lets make sure we both have a wonderful first day of the rest of our lives!
Cheers!!!
Medi

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
Posts: 1580
Joined: May 2009

Hi Medi,

I've missed you also. I have scanned the boards occasionally and saw your post about the mammogram scare. Yeah, who would of thunk that there would be breast tissue in our breasts?? It's the last place I would have expected to find them - LOL. So happy to hear that your doctor's concerns turned out to be inflammation. Maybe that's all mine will be.

I am sure this will just turn out to be another scare, every doctor's appointment lately seems to end that way so why not a third time...right??

Maybe we are all in a bit of a funk because of the weather, cabin fever can be so depressing and I'm sure it only makes it worse when you add health scares to the mix. I'm going to be fine, just needed to vent a little, sometimes just putting my feelings in print helps.

Yes Medi, we will both make today the first day of the rest of our lives and it will be a wonderful one!!

Thank you and stay well,
Glenna

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Glenna,
Glad you're back but sorry for the worry you've had to go through again. Seems like it never ends doesn't it??? Keep thinking positive. As for having to go back on a 3 months schedule, that's a good thing rather than if you wait to long. This way they can really keep tract of what's going on. You'll be fine and again we're here for you to talk to.
Your grandson is so darn cute!! Take care & try not to worry. "Carole"

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
Posts: 1580
Joined: May 2009

Thank you for the warm welcome back. It's great to have so many friends here on CSN, it lifts my spirits even on my worst days.

Yeah, it does seem like it never ends sometimes. Just when you start to relax something happens to remind you that things could take a turn for the worst at anytime.

You're right about the 3 month schedule, it will help them keep a closer eye on everything and find any changes sooner. I was just a little depressed because I was getting so close to only needing a scan once a year. Oh well, someday I will be at that point.

I am trying to stay positive and upbeat, I'm actually doing pretty good at it most of the time. It is such a wonderful feeling that I have such great friends here who will listen to me rant and whine, I guess we all need to do that once in a while.

Yes, Carole, Maven is such a cute little man, his smile is contagious. There isn't anyone who has met him or seen his pictures that hasn't smiled immediately. I look at his pictures often and no matter what my mood I start smiling.

Thanks again for your kind words of encouragement.

My best to you,
Glenna

lekkerone
Posts: 199
Joined: Jan 2011

Hi Glenna
I don't think that we have met but I wish you all the best. I know what that waiting is all about and I don't believe there is a stress much greater. I did that for 6 months last year and had a left lower lobectomy in Dec. and am all clear now but I know that I will be worrying again some time.
Take care of yourself and know that many wish you well,
Diane

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
Posts: 1580
Joined: May 2009

Thank you for the heartwarming letter. No, we have not met before, unfortunately there are many new members here now. I post here and on the head and neck forum as I had laryngeal cancer at the same time I had lung cancer and it saddens me to see how many new members we have.

Unfortunately neither of my cancers were operable so I've had to go strictly with radiation and chemo. Not that I'm complaining because surgery is really scary also, it's just that I had wished they could operate and then do chemo and rads. I guess I felt it was a little more reassuring if it was removed but there are no guarantees even with surgery.

I have a wonderful team of doctors who I trust completely, they've given me almost 2 years already and I'm sure I will be around for many more. Yes, you are right about the stress caused by all the waiting, I sometimes wonder if some of these doctors realize how hard it is to wait when you have all the worst case scenarios running through your head. When I'm not thinking selfishly then I realize that they are not making us wait on purpose, they need to know all of the facts before proceeding and this is only in our best interest. See...I can be sensible and realistic when I have to :)

It's been very nice meeting you Diane and I thank you for your well wishes. I am sending you positive thoughts and good vibes that you will do well and we will be chatting for many more years.

Stay well,
Glenna

sissylu1
Posts: 66
Joined: Jan 2011

Diane,
You responded to me when I put a blog out in response to "dragged kicking and screaming" so just wanted to update you on my MRI results of my liver that I had this past monday that popped up when I had my first ct scan after my lung surgery..met with the oncologist yesterday and reports it is a "blood blister and simple cyst" so nothing to worry about..I told the nurse I have what I call "scanxiety" so this report certainly helped me get a better nights sleep last night..do not have to go back to the oncologist for 4 months and that will put me a total of 6 months post surgery. These words of comfort from others certainly do help!

lekkerone
Posts: 199
Joined: Jan 2011

That sounds like what I had on my liver. Combined with the lung cancer it really threw a scare into me so I was so glad it was nothing to worry about. I am so glad yours was the same.

soccerfreaks's picture
soccerfreaks
Posts: 2801
Joined: Sep 2006

You will never be a stranger to me, my friend. As others have acknowledged, you are missed in your absence.

I value nothing more than hearing from someone such as yourself that I have written something that puts a smile on your face. For that alone, your presence (to my excessively massive ego) is enormous. And to top it off to know, simply, that you are still fighting with Hope and Humor means all the world to me and, I'm sure, to many others.

Take care, my sweet friend,

Joe

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
Posts: 1580
Joined: May 2009

Joe, your response brought a tear to my eye. You're supposed to make me laugh, not cry :)

It does my heart good to know that I was missed but it also makes me feel guilty because I was staying away for purely selfish reasons. I know that everyone will forgive me though because that is the type of people who post here.

I am happy that I could boost your ego and I'm sure that I will continue to for a long time. Your saying, "Hope and Humor", has gotten me through a lot of tough times and I thank you for that. (Did I just hear your ego growing :)

Stay well dear friend and keep me laughing.

Glenna

Charlie Butler's picture
Charlie Butler
Posts: 12
Joined: Feb 2011

God Bless You and all who post here. I am new here. I am new to cancer. You are well loved here and your grandson is one handsome guy.

Charlie

Glenna M's picture
Glenna M
Posts: 1580
Joined: May 2009

Thank you, I hate to brag but he sure is a little cutie with the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.

I'm sorry that you have to be here but please know that you are among friends who will help you in any way they can. Even if it's just listening when you need to vent.

God Bless you also,
Glenna

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