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Turn Left? Turn Right?

virtual_voyager
Posts: 34
Joined: Jun 2010

What to do? Feel like I'm stuck and don't know which way to go. What to say, how to say it if I actually knew what to say.

It's gotten to the point I just don't know how to live anymore. There is no more normalcy, old or new. I feel like a robot. Every morning its a quick scan of the checklist of how to be upbeat, positive and put on that smiley face.

It's like standing in an empty landscape looking for something familiar and there is none. Frozen in fear of trying to decide which way is home when you know home is gone.

I care for her well being in every way and am fighting tooth and nail to make her life as "NORMAL" (hahha yea right)as circustances will allow.

...but man am I PISSEDOFF at life or nature or whatever God there is.

None of this makes any sense. Murderers, rapist, pedophiles living long lives roaming free and behind bars, and she gets a damned death sentence.

Oh yea, it's an understatement to say I'm PISSEDOFF.

V~V

caliswinggirl
Posts: 2
Joined: Feb 2011

unfortunately there is nothing anyone can say that will make it better. although i know what you are going through, our experiences are different. there is never 2 people who will experience this the same way because we all have different emotions and thoughts. I can say that I feel your frustration and anger and I understand that you have to put on a facade, because I am in the same position right now and going through some of the same emotions you are going through; my mom is dying bc of the cancer. I have felt every emotion since we found out the cancer has spread.

It doesnt help denying your feelings. Don't listen to people when they say "you shouldn't be angry at god, or life." I say it is ok to be angry with God and life. It doesn't make you a bad person and its not sac-religious. I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, or if you have any, but if you do believe in God, he won't be angry or he wont punish you for being angry at him.

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Feelings are neither right, nor wrong. They just ARE. To classify them as good or bad negates your humanness. When my mom was sick I was really mad at God, and told him so. A lot of my prayer time was taken up with me telling Him just how unfair I felt it all was. I figured He knew it all anyway. Do you suppose He was in heaven saying, "Oh Myself, I didn't know that about you?"

When Mike went through his last days exactly one year after my moms passing from BC, I was not angry at God for some reason. I think its because I didn't hold my feelings in over my mothers situation and was able to find some peace in the fact that life is inherently dangerous, and none of us are promised a smooth ride.

Penny

virtual_voyager
Posts: 34
Joined: Jun 2010

Again thanks to all for your time in trying to help with kind words and reassurance.

My anger is at times as much inward as it is about all else. The male mindset I suppose. The man/husband is wired to protect and it feels like I failed. I know this is beyond any mortal ability, but just doesn't help knowing and understanding this is out of my hands.

The constant "this just isn't right or fair" takes it's toll and is very difficult to accept. It's when the frustration turns to anger that it gets the best of me.

I don't think anyone can truly understand what "the two shall become one" means until one is taken from the other. The sudden and unexpected loss of a mate is obviously devastating and brings about instant heartache. But knowing beforehand creates a heartache that tears at your very soul. It batters and bruises the spirit like nothing else.

V~V

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

v v,
I totally agree with you about saying that no one understands until they're lost their mate. Me & my husband would've been married 47 years on Feb. 8th. He passed away last March, so almost a year, but I still feel like I"m only half here.
We were together all the time, even though he was still working. I loved him with all my heart and miss him so much. Sometimes I pretend he's out of town on a business trip & he'll be home soon, but then I remember "hey this isn't a dream, he's gone forever". It's easy for someone who says "time to move on" but it's hard to do that when the love of your life is gone.
Take care!! "Carole"

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1561
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello VV and welcome to our caregivers discussion board family. I was a caregiver for my dad. He passed in March 2010 from esophageal cancer with mets to his liver. I am a Christian, I pray to God everyday. I did not blame my dad's cancer, or my dad's passing on God. I actually thanked God for taking my dad to heaven, I did not want to watch him suffer anymore. I blame cancer on our lifestyles. On how we eat, how much exercise we do not get, our environment. I blame the medical professionals for never finding a cure. I think that they make so much money finding a cure, and treating the cancer, that they do not want to tell us they have found a cure. That is who I am mad at, not God. God did not create those rapes or those murders, those individuals did. God gave them his mercy for doing so. God did not cause that drunk driver to crash his car and kill himself and that other family. That individual decided to drink, get drunk and drive his car. Not God. So you see what I am trying to say here? Lets be mad at those people, let's be mad at ourselves, be mad at our society, our world, but not mad at God. God created our world....we, the humans are the ones that keep messing it up. Thanks for listening. Thanks for letting me get that out. I feel better now, hope you do too. God bless you for being a wonderful caregiver to your wife. May God bless you and keep you, may he continue to give you the strength you will need at this most difficult time. Keep in touch. Peace..
Tina in Va

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Hey VV. As others have stated, we will probably never know exactly how each other feels, but you and others here certainly expressed the way I feel about losing a mate. It hurts like h__l and there is an emptiness that defies explanation.

And as a wife, I too looked inside and questioned why I didn't see that Mike was sicker sooner (no symptoms with stomach cancer until it's too late) or questioned if I missed something in the research I did to help him battle this beast. But the bottom line is from what I have been reading on these boards is that every caregiver did/does his/her best and in the end, that's all anyone can ask for.

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