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just couldn't bring myself to do chemo this week

Mwee's picture
Mwee
Posts: 1316
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Dear Hearts,
I've been chemoing for the past thirteen months for my 1st recurrance (diagnosed 3C/May 2006)/doing carbo/gemzar on a three weeks turnaround since last Sept. The last several carbos have brought allergic reactions, so although I've been able to get through them, it's taken tons of steroids and endless infusion times to get the job done. I'm normally very tough and I go about keeping an optimistic attitude as my "job", but something in me just seemed to breakdown in the last couple of weeks.

I had an appt. with my ONC today and literally cried on his shoulder. I told him I needed a break! I was scheduled for carbo/gemzar tomorrow. I wanted eight weeks.... he gave me four. He said that if I went any longer, and my CA_125's went up, that he wouldn't know if it was because the carbo/gemzar had stopped doing it's job. Oh, and he put me on Prozac.......... THAT was probably a no-brainer!

So, here's to a four week vacation from chemo. I'll get back to you on what my plans for this precious month will be as soon as make them. I know some will involve playing hours of dollies with my adorable granddaughters...... oh and Margaritas, but not at the same time :)
((((HUGS)))) Maria

Hissy_Fitz's picture
Hissy_Fitz
Posts: 1869
Joined: Sep 2009

Maria....sometimes it takes more strength to back off than it does to keep going. You are the best judge of what your body and your psyche need at any given time.

I know exactly how you feel. I have been getting treatment of one kind or another for 16 months, without a break. It takes over your life!

Here's to many happy hours with your granddaughters, to tea parties and Barbies and some happier Happy Hours, too!

Carlene

Lisa13Q's picture
Lisa13Q
Posts: 683
Joined: Jul 2009

Enjoy Your break!!! It is much deserved!!!

Cafewoman53's picture
Cafewoman53
Posts: 735
Joined: Jul 2010

You are amazing to have been doing chemo so long, I am not a good patient I am gettting aggravated over feeling weak for so long. It's good you know when you need a break and that your dr compromised with you.
Sending healing hugs your way !
Colleen

Rookerbird's picture
Rookerbird
Posts: 100
Joined: Feb 2011

Maria, every situation is unique, and only YOU know what is right for you. Hopefully this break refreshes your spirit and gives your body a chance to regroup for the next battle. I had a near breakdown during 6 weeks of daily radiation last March, and wanted to quit. My oncologist said something very wise: Severe stress is more harmful to my health than a missed treatment. Being "given permission" to take a break actually gave me the strength to keep going last year.

You've had a nasty winter. If spring starts to pop out, that should help your spirits. Granddaughters will be a wonderful diversion too! I hope your days are filled with joy, and activities and people of YOUR choosing.

anicca's picture
anicca
Posts: 324
Joined: Dec 2010

(((((Maria)))))
I think you have to be very tough to have gotten through as much as you have, and I don't see asking for a break when you so badly need one as a weakness. Enjoy the time, the Prozac, the Margaritas, and most of all your adorable granddaughters!

kayandok
Posts: 1223
Joined: Jun 2008

understand! I had a simialr "break down" before Christmas, and took 6 weeks. I'm so glad I did it!
Take care,
kathleen❤

kikz's picture
kikz
Posts: 1269
Joined: Jun 2010

of course but I know my body. I had to insist on not having chemo at least a couple of times. I was so sick and was petrified of what would happen if I did. I felt I would not be able to get out of bed or function properly and refused to put myself and my family through that. I actually ended up in the hospital on each of those occasions so I really was sick. If I had somehow mustered the strength and determination to go ahead, who knows, it might have killed me. My electrolytes were so low one time that the ER doctor said she didn't know how I made it. It is important that we do what is right for us even though we generally feel the doctors know best.

Karen

froggy1
Posts: 208
Joined: Nov 2008

I totally understand and 'hope you get a good break. I'm finding I'm suffering from a bad attitude lately. I'm now on the two weeks on, one week off chemo, but doc visits, labs,etc. on the off week. I'm beginning to feel as if cancer is my life. I can't imagine crying on my gyn/onc's shoulder. That would be interesting! 'Sounds as if you have a good one!
I wishing the best break for you and that you come back ready to do battle again! You are one of the true warriors.
'Wish I could join you for a margarita, sounds great!

Hugs, Ginny

clamryn's picture
clamryn
Posts: 508
Joined: Jun 2010

Oh Maria, I totally understand. I got a break before Christmas and it just helped me so much. Going to doctors, going to the lab, getting CT/Pet Scans... don't you just get tired of the whole routine.

You so deserve some time off. You enjoy those granddaughters. I have always said... my grandchildren are very good medicine for cancer.

(((HUGS TO YOU))))
Linda

childofthestars's picture
childofthestars
Posts: 246
Joined: Jan 2011

Hi Maria
You know what we are all soooooo strong MOST of the time so it's ok to want to give yourself a break in fact Carlene is right when she said it takes strength to decide when enough is enough. Enjoy your 'chemo holiday' you DESERVE it.
Bright Blessings
Michelle x

Mwee's picture
Mwee
Posts: 1316
Joined: Nov 2009

to understand and not make me feel like a wimp! Why is it that we take all that strength that it takes for us to "keep on keeping on" for granted and beat ourselves up when it gets too tough? Thank you.... love you all...... (((HUGS))) Maria

queenieb52
Posts: 48
Joined: Jul 2009

how odd I came across this post. My primary reason for checking in here today was for basically what you & everyone that responded have discussed. I thought I was going crazy! I was dx late May '09 with Stage3 OVC...went thru the Taxol/cisplatin regimen & have been on & off (mostly on) Gemzar/carbo for the maintenance. My last 2 PET/CT were great showing NED so my GYN Onc has 'stretched' the time between chemos. I had my last series that ended on Nov.2, '10, and then resumed last week of Jan. It WAS so nice having that long break... I actually felt like I had a life again! I don't know if it was a good thing or bad though now... Since this last treatment I have not bounced back like I normally would. I had to stop having treatments @ my Drs office, becus I had to go on Medicaid & they won't pay for it there... :( So now I have to go the the infusion unit @ a local hospital. Although everyone is very friendly & professional, I feel like my 'support' system @ my Drs has been ripped away & that has me down. Although I am still his patient & all treatment orders come from him, I keep asking at this new place if something was different. Because I just have not felt good- period! I am not nauseous or throwing up, etc... just wiped. More than usual. The one thing I KNOW that was different was that evidently my potassium & magnesium were slightly low, so I got a 2 hr infusion for that. I don't understand how I could be off treatment from Nov.2-Jan.25 and this happens, but every day is an adventure fighting this! My 2 1/2 hr chemo turned into 7 hrs because @ these hospitals its more of a 'hurry up & wait' thing. Then... since I've had treatment my blood pressure has become an issue and I have been light headed & dizzy off & on. I have never had blood pressure issues... I smoked for 35 yrs & had a great blood pressure. I don't if its anxiety or what, but I too am at that pass where I'm wondering how much longer I can do this. I thankful I'm alive... but I want a life again. I am a strong person, but I will admit...this is wearing me down... I'm NOT happy that a lot of you have had similar feelings, but I AM glad to know I'm not alone in this. So Marie... you most definitely are not a wimp! We are all-after all- just human... :) Thanks for listening...Beth

poopergirl14052's picture
poopergirl14052
Posts: 1151
Joined: Nov 2010

I am soo glad you a taking a much needed break. Chemo is soo hard on the mind and body. This is my first day out of bed since last thursday when I had my 4th round of carbo/taxol. I wasn't even sure what day it is. I missed almost a week. I feel the same way you and our other sisters feel. We are getting our illness treated but sometimes we need to just live. Enjoy your break,play with the grandkids and have some cocktails. Enjoy a spring walk,keep kids overnite and watch movies......val

nancy591's picture
nancy591
Posts: 1059
Joined: Sep 2009

Maria,
I admire you and your strength. good luck.

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