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I miss me

Ashlea's picture
Ashlea
Posts: 6
Joined: Feb 2011

I miss myself and the life i had. I look in the mirror and dont even recognize myself. I find it easier sometimes to avoid mirrors as i hate my puffy fat face, the little peach fuzz i have on the top of my head and the red bumps all over my face.
I feel as though i am stuck sitting on a dock watching my friends and family sail away with their lives. Getting the jobs i had once wanted, finding that special someone, getting married and have the baby i always wanted. when my treatment is complete how do i find myslef again and begin my life?

**having a sad day after chemo day**

KC13167's picture
KC13167
Posts: 215
Joined: Jun 2010

Ashlea,

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so down today. When I read the title of your post, I thought, "Wow! That's perfect. I miss me, too!" I imagine that if I were a young adult, rather than 51, I'd feel worse about, "missing me". You look like you are at the age of many crossroads: career, family and all the other things that you listed that you are missing. When I was a young adult, I too thought that I may have been missing out on things...and I was cancer free then. I think part of your sadness may be age related, and part is disease related. You need a really hard, long hug from someone you love! YOU WILL come back. Be gentle with yourself. You are living your life now. It's just not as you had fantasized it would be. The boat that you will sail on, will come for you at the right time and may be much grander, more stable and take you on an even more magnificent voyage than the one you see your family and friends on. You will get through it, Honey. We are all here for you. Hug that puppy and take a nap! Love, Kellie

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

I can empathize with how you are feeling about losing 'you', especially right after chemo treatments. Those drugs are hard on every part of you and your emotions are no different. I remember once right after my first few treatments trying to go downstairs to do the family laundry. I started to walk back up the basement stairs where the laundry was with the basket and I had to take some out cause it was too heavy and there was hardly anything in it.

No one was home, kids at school, husband at work and I dropped the basket and yelled out loudly 'I WANT MY LIFE BACK'. I think we all have that moment here and there through treatments and sometimes after now and then for a bit but hopefully you will be through all of this soon and it will all be put behind you.

One thing that might help is finding something you want to do when you feel better and find a picture that depicts that, someplace in the world you want to go or something you want to do and put it up on your fridge or in a prominant place your home so you can look at it when things seem overwhelming. I found putting on music always helped me too.

Remember though, YOU STILL ARE YOU, your body is just fighting an important battle for you right now.

Hugs and blessings,

Bluerose

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3172
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Ashley,
We "ALL" feel this way at one time or another. The week of my chemo treatments were always an emotional time for me. It was usually during the 5 day period of having to take the prednisone that I would be at my worst....physically and emotionally. I'd walk through the house saying"this just isn't fair...why me?" "What did I do so wrong in life to deserve getting cancer"?..etc, etc. Steve and I were making plans for him to retire..(this May) and then the two of us make the move down to the river to spend our golden years fishing every day,while living in a little log cabin. Not happenin...at least for now. He's going to have to work 2 to 3 more years just to keep the excellent insurance we have through the school district. No-body promised life would always be fair, so the trick to happiness while on this cancer journey is to just take each day as it comes and make it the "best" day you make it.When you feel sad or down, come here to the group and we can talk it out. Misery loves company as the old saying goes...ha! Take care and remember we are here always to help.
Love...Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)

COBRA666's picture
COBRA666
Posts: 2418
Joined: May 2010

Ashlee,
It is so hard to add something after others have posted. Thats because we all go thru exactly what you are going thru and have more or less the same feelings. It is hard when we look in the mirror and see exactly what you are seeing. Just remember it will all return to normal in time. The hair will grow back and the splotches will go away. The tiredness will probably linger for a while and sometimes quite a while. I have been out of treatment for almost 4 months and still not 100% as far as the tiredness. You will get there in time. Just do not be hard on yourself. Its nothing you did,its the drugs they put into your body that did it. John(FNHL-1-4A-5/10)

cookingirl's picture
cookingirl
Posts: 183
Joined: May 2010

Ashlee - these are exactly the people I knew would have written you such beautiful, comforting words to your email. They are always here for each of us whenever we need encouragement, and I'm glad they're here for you. I can't add anything new but know we all understand your feelings, have been there before or are here now. It's so hard many days, but it's true we will all get through somehow and the dark days will be a distant memory when it's over. We're pulling for you and I'm praying for you - Fran

vinny59's picture
vinny59
Posts: 1030
Joined: Nov 2006

Hey Ashlea, we all know the feeling, but know this, you will go to your old self once the treatment ends, maybe a little less energy but looking like the old you. I myself lost all my body hair and gained 20lbs, and lost my fingernails, but it's been five months after my last treatment and all my hair is back! although I'm still carrying the extra weight around lol.... you be your old self before you know it!!!! Good luck with your treatments Vinny

JoanieP's picture
JoanieP
Posts: 573
Joined: Mar 2010

Hi
I'm not sure any of us will ever be completely the same. BUT there is good in that too. I appreciate every day all the things I could not do while I was going through chemo. I drive to work and thank God I can go to work. I can be around my grandchildren, hug my friends, go back to church.go to the grocery store. I always loved my husband of 40 years but now I TREASURE him. I realize you are much younger than a lot of us. So I can't say I completely understand. The chemo treatments do a number on you and your moods are all over the place. I cried so easily and the next minute I was fine. When your treatments are over and you are on the other side of this you will be able to do the things you want to. Take care and may God bless you.

yesyes2
Posts: 461
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Ashlea,

I'm right there with you and totally understand as I miss me also. After fighting 2 different cancers and one recurrence in a 2 year period I no longer know who I even am to miss. I'm trying to figure out life with out it centered around cancer. But I know I will get there and am starting to work on that now.

What you said was very touching and extremely elequent for such a young person. And I am so glad the subject was brought up on this board. And as you can see we all have felt like you, regardless of our ages.

I am just so thankful for every day I have and for the people in my life who I love and who love me. And I'm also thankful for all my peeps on this board.

I was wondering if you know about www.i2y.com. This is a site specifically for younger people with a cancer diagnosis. Give it a look and let us know what you think.

Thinking of you,
Leslie

truckingalong
Posts: 444
Joined: Aug 2010

Dear Ashlea,

I completely relate to what you were saying. I feel like hugging you and then hear you out with your day to day stories as well as sharing mine. We do grieve in the process but develop a rebirth of our new selves in addition to our old selves. You have to have faith and believe me, you will rejoice Life again and even more when your treatments are over. Hang in there, my friend and treat and nurture yourself. I will be thinking of you and sending you good luck and positive thoughts.

Liz

Ashlea's picture
Ashlea
Posts: 6
Joined: Feb 2011

THANK YOU EVERYONE for all your kind thoughts and words they mean so much.. Its nice knowing im not the only one feeling these things and knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel and i will get through this.

COBRA666's picture
COBRA666
Posts: 2418
Joined: May 2010

Ashlea,
That positive attitude is what will really help you to get thru this. Hope you have a great Valentines Day!!!!!!John(FNHL-1-4A-5/10)

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