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dating for the newly diagnosed

buhddistjew87's picture
buhddistjew87
Posts: 4
Joined: Feb 2011

HI! My name is Jessica. I am 23. I was just diagnosed with mucoepidermoid carcinoma on 12/03/2010. The one thing that has really changed is my love life. I am finally healed from surgery and ready to get back in the dating scene. My problem? I am not for sure cancer free yet. But is anyone, really? The hard part is I will meet a guy... we'll talk and really start to connect... and if we decide to explore the possibilities of a relationship, I am very upfront and tell them about the cancer diagnosis. Almost all of these guys have gone running for the hills. AND THEY WON'T EVEN BE FRIENDS WITH ME!!! I was never secretive about the whole cancer bit... I never danced around the topic or lied about it either. WHY ARE THEY SO SEEMINGLY ANGRY/AFRAID? Cancer is just that... cancer. It's not like I have SMALL POX or something. I understand a little fear... but I also feel that fear will stop one from experiencing LOVE that they should live for. One should not run from fear. I am not asking these prospective dates to pay my medical bills, feed me, help me through treatments, etc. I am just asking for their love and support through day to day life. Should I just come out and announce my cancer to the world as I go? Is it something that should be part of my intro? "HI! I am Jessica. I am 23, and I have cancer. How are you?" Hmmm... pretty sure that would be weird.

ekdennie's picture
ekdennie
Posts: 231
Joined: Aug 2010

Jessica,
I am not in the same boat as you, in that I was married when I was diagnosed with MEC and my husband has been very supportive through this all. I am 31 with three children 5 and under. I was diagnosed with Mucoepidermoid Carcinoma June 30, 2010. I have found that I also don't know when to bring up the subject of my cancer. I was talking to one of my son's friend's mom's and she was asking me what I have been busy doing, very friendly like, and then I tell her, well I have been dealing with some health issues, things seem to be fine now, but you never know for sure. at which point I got the deer in the headlight...how soon can I get away look!
I can only say that someone who would run away from someone just because they have had a cancer diagnosis, who won't be throe friend are just jerks. you will find the right guy...the kind of guy my husband is, one who will hold you up when you are weak, who will love you no matter what...that will be the guy who doesn't run away when you tell him you had cancer. If they got clean margins on your removal, and there is no sign of regrowth, then just live like you are cancer-free until you hear otherwise, if you ever do...and I pray you do not! let them know that they can not get the cancer from kissing you, that it is very rare, that you have done what you can to be cancer free, but that there is always a chance it could come back...if they can't handle that, then they do not deserve someone who has already battled cancer at the young age of 23.
oh, and the intro you mentioned would be weird! I just might try it though! Hi, I am Elizabeth, I have three children under 5 and I was diagnosed with cancer last year...how are you? hehehehehehe

sdav12's picture
sdav12
Posts: 3
Joined: Feb 2011

I know how you feel, im 24 years old from MA and I go through the same things with girls, either the feel bad and i get pitty or they run away. You just gotta keep trying and try not to let it get to you, i understand how difficult it can be though

Margot Greer's picture
Margot Greer
Posts: 9
Joined: Feb 2011

Hey Jessica,
Im so sorry to har about your diagnosis. you sound like a really strong woman though so hang in there!
So i totally understand your struggles with dating. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in October at 22, i'm 23 now and my lord, dating people honestly is like telling them hey, i'm dying, and as a matter of fact i'm probably going to die next week..wanna go out later? honestly I don't blame them for being uncomfortable, because if i were in their shoes i wouldn't quite know what to say either, it's hard to be empathetic without offending people. sometimes people just don't have the right words, or reactions.

I personally find the hardest part of dating to be the loss of my hair. I constantly feel like i'm hiding something or being dishonest by not sharing the fact that i'm bald for the time being.

I do understand it's hard to find that balance of who to tell and when to tell those that you do decide to tell. Cancer should not label you, but it definitely tries to. you've just got to find the right balance that works for you. ( i feel like a hypocrite because i haven't even found the right balance for myself lol) but keep in mind, you won't have this forever :)

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