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rn11_2012's picture
rn11_2012
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

Hey everyone.I'm Courtney.I'm a 20 year old nursing student from Mississippi.In the past 6 months I've lost my aunt and my dad to lung cancer.I was with my aunt everyday she was in the hospital.My dad was diagnosed September 27th,2010 which was just 4 days before my birthday.They diagnosed him with 6 months to a year to live.Unfortunately, he only lasted 3.He was in so much pain constantly.My dad passed away on January 10th.At first I was coping relatively well but recently it's like I've been hit by a train.I think it's finally hit me that he'll never come back.Nights are the worst.I stay anxious and nervous and panic.I cry alot too.I feel guilty because in 20 years the closest I was with my dad was the 3 months he was dying for cancer.We had always had a very rocky relationship due to his alcoholism.I guess in a way I just regret not having more time with him while he was alive and not expressing to him sooner that I really did love him.If anyone has any advice or would just like to talk please let me know.

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi Courtney,

If you read through some of the postings under this board, I think you will find similar feelings being expressed by others. Everything you feel is very normal for someone who has lost a loved one. I lost my husband 8 months ago. It is like a roller coaster good day, bad days, okay days. I am on a mild anti-anxiety med, see a counselor and attend a support group. You need to talk to someone and would encourage you to find a counselor to help you through this. This is not an easy process and there are no short cuts, but time is a healer. Good luck and stay strong.

rn11_2012's picture
rn11_2012
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

Becky I'm sorry to hear about your husband. You're very right about it being like a roller coaster.I'm also trying to help my cousin since she lost her mom in September so in one sense it helps she knows what I feel but also hard cause I try to help her through too even when I'm down. I do believe I should see a counselor just finances make that more difficult but hopefully soon I can. I think it really would help. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone.

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

You have come to the right place to just vent, learn and feel like you not alone in your grieving journey. I lost my 51 yr old husband last August from pancreatic cancer, 4 months after DX. We are all going through a lot of the same kinds of feelings and it helps to be able to express what your world is like and know that you are not going insane! I am very sorry for your losses and as a nurse I am sure you are a bit closer to all things "illness" and are close to it all of the time. Feel free to vent here, ask questions, just whatever!

Bless you, Gayle

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

My dad passed away from sarcoma in both lungs on January 19, 2011. I am 28, he was 56. I came on the boards to write about the feeling I get at night, and you posted about the same thing. I am not only not ready to face the days at work (I am making it there, barely), but at night, in the quiet, all the feelings of grief and loss rush in. I am so sorry for both of your losses. I know how hard it is when reality hits and you realize that the person really is going. The shock and numbness wears off and the crying, pain, regret, and anxiety begin. Just know that you have come to the right place - If you want to talk more feel free to send me a personal message on here, or on the threads. My thoughts and prayers are with you... Your dad knows how much you love him. I need to remind myself of this, too. I miss my dad.

Sending warmth, hugs, and prayers,

Lauren

rn11_2012's picture
rn11_2012
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

Wow. Your feelings and experiences are so similar to mine. I'm so glad to know I'm not alone in this. You literally described everything I'm going through down to the t. I miss my dad everyday too. We got a good snow last night so my mom and I actually made a snowman version of my dad today.It actually resembled him a little and made me feel a little better.I'm not sure how to send private messages on here yet.I'm still learning.Thank you so much for letting me know I'm not alone though.It's very comforting.

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

I put the message in the wrong spot. See below.

Carolinagal's picture
Carolinagal
Posts: 90
Joined: May 2010

First of all, I'm sorry that you are going through this. The first six months since my dad died(07-11-10) were terrible. The questions, the doubts, the memories of him suffering was a heavy load to carry. I wish I could say that one day I woke up and it was all better but that just didn't happen. The last few weeks, every morning I make the decision not to pick that load up again. Somedays are harder than others. Looking at pictures from before the cancer has helped get some of the images out of my head. I'm trying to focus on the fact that before my dad died, he lived. He is still alive in my heart and in my memory and nothing can take that from me. I hope you find peace for your mind and comfort for your heart.
Cindi

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I know there are no words that help, but knowing that others care and are going through the same feelings may. Misery doesn't really love company, but it does help to know that we are somewhat normal, not that any of us knows what normal is. I lost my father several years ago. I lost my husband in October of 2009. Grief is a process and we just have to work our way through it. Time does help. Please contact Hospice. They have grief counseling and grief groups. Check with them to see if there is help available in your area. Hospitals and churches also often offer grief groups. I also want to assure you that it is not unusual to get to know someone better through this terrible disease. My sons also felt they became closer to my husband during the six years he battled cancer. They had had a good relationship before but shared more when he was Ill. Now it is time for you to take care of yourself. Come here whenever you need to know that we are here and care. Fay

rn11_2012's picture
rn11_2012
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

I'm so sorry to hear about your losses.Grief most certainly is a process.A long one at that.There's days I just wish I could go back to normal.My dad was always my mechanic and on Valentine's night my car broke down so it just kind of made me down knowing my mechanic is gone and never coming back.Things like that just make it more real.I'm glad to know others out there understand what I'm going through.I'm definitely going to check into the hospice thing.Thank you.

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

it is comforting for me to know I am not alone, too. It made me smile that the snowman version of your dad made you feel a little better and gave you peace. We need to remember that our dads' are with us. I am here whenever you need to talk, to vent, to cry, for just someone to listen, or for someone to share their own experiences with you. We are going through the same thing, and we are not alone. I am glad you came on the boards... I hope you continue to join us.

Warmth, hugs, prayers,

Lauren

rn11_2012's picture
rn11_2012
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

The thing about the snowman version of my dad was even after every bit of the other snow was gone...he lasted a few more days..He's found little ways to show us he's still around..for instance our gps in the truck keeps randomly coming on by itself and giving us directions back home..It's comforting to know he's still here in his own way..I'm sure you have your good and bad days as well as I do..Some days I'm fine..Some days I'm irritated and some I just cry.It gets frustrating when after a while friends become rather insensitive to the matter.I don't think they understand that it still hurts weeks or months later.Some of the things they say can get rather offensive and they don't realize it.Because of this I've become relatively distant with several of my close friends.This Saturday is the day of my dad's benefit.I'll be performing a song called Address in the Stars for my dad.If you've never heard it I encourage you to look it up and just listen to the words.I'm sure you can relate.It really hits home.Thank you for just listening to me.
Hugs,
Courtney

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

Please share with us about the memorial service when you are able to... I listened to the song Address in the Stars- it is beautiful and definitely struck a chord. I was able to let out many tears. Thank you for the recommendation. I know it was beautiful when you sang it for your dad. I am the same way with many people in my life, as well. Close friends or not. People do not understand that grief is a process and it takes times - months, even years ... We will never be the same, but one day we will smile more at the memories rather than cry and feel lost. Just take in the kind, comforting words of support, and do not listen to those who do not understand your pain.

The fact that you have felt your dad around gives me hope. I am trying to feel my dad's presence in the silence. I miss him.

Let us know how you are doing. I just wanted you know that I am thinking of you.

Hugs,
Lauren

rn11_2012's picture
rn11_2012
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

The memorial benefit was a huge success. I truly believe my dad was there that night. I've always somewhat had stage fright but when I got up to perform both times I had no nerves whatsoever. Also, my aunt who had made a dvd for the benefit (and quite honestly was driving everyone up a wall going overboard),couldnt get the dvd to burn. We believe my dad didn't want everything publicized. He was rather low key. If I can figure out how I will try to post the video of the performance. We raised over $2,000 which paid off his final expenses and left us about $1,000 to catch up on bills. I'm so glad you found the song helpful. Another you may relate to is the end of the song You Can Let Go by Crystal Shawanda. It talks about her daddy being in the hospital about to pass and talks about how hard it was for her but then she whispers to him you can let go now daddy. It's very touching for me. I'm slowly getting better. I don't cry quite as much but I still have my days. Slowly everything in life is starting to look up. God recently put someone new in my life and I believe it's helping me cope by helping him. His mom has cancer and he just lost the man who was like a second dad to him a couple days ago. It's somewhat therapeutic to try to help someone else who is grieving like I have been for the past couple months. Yesterday was 7 weeks since daddy passed.I've been keeping occupied with photography and class. I'm rather excited because I'm doing a photo shoot of two little boys' birthdays in a couple weeks. Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. I hope you're doing well.I'll post pictures from the benefit when I get the chance.
Hugs,
Courtney

Nicole41
Posts: 20
Joined: Feb 2011

Hi Courtney
This truly is a wonderful forum for connecting with those who understand. I lost my dad, brother AND mother to lung cancer. My mom just passed on January 30th, 2011. It is a helpless feeling I know. I too am trying not to get mired down in guilt for what I should have done or didn't do. I think it is a natural reaction to a very emotional situation. Grieving is a process as you know and we all go through it in different ways. Just stay connected with those on here, your friends and family. NIghttime is bad for me as well. I have been sleeping with the tv or radio on. I also ordered and received some books on coping with grief as well as joined a support group. Now is the time to take care of YOURSELF.Just remember, you are NOT alone :)

Nicole41
Posts: 20
Joined: Feb 2011

Hello..anyone home? is the title of a book by Joseph m. higgins. He is a medium and the book explores signs our loved ones send us from the hereafter. If you are interested, I highly suggest it. The quote from a philosopher in the beginning of the book made me hopeful that our loved ones ARE around us and WILL BE waiting for us. (this is me trying to cope)
"WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS ON A SPIRITUAL JOURNEY. WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS ON A HUMAN JOURNEY". Though we all long to see, hear and feel our loved ones, it is somewhat comforting to believe their essence is still around.

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Thanks Nicole, I think I will check this book out. I swear that I sometimes smell my husbands scent (his aftershave or at times the smell of the shampoo he used).

rn11_2012's picture
rn11_2012
Posts: 15
Joined: Feb 2011

I'm so sorry for all of your losses. I know it's very hard. I've found it helpful sometimes when I start missing him at night to just start talking to him. Another thing that helps is I can still call his cell number and his voice is still on the voicemail. It's very comforting. That quote you mentioned is very intriguing. I may look into getting that book. Time is the biggest thing that helps. I hope you're doing well.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Courtney,
So sad to hear what you've been going through. I'm sure your dad knew you loved him, so don't feel guilty about that. Being with him the worst 3 months of his life had to be hard. You're so young and it's so hard to see someone you love suffer.'
I lost my parents, my mom right before Christmas in 1989 from pancreatic cancer. She was only sick two months. And my dad died right after Christmas in 1990 from lung cancer. He had also had bladder cancer. And now this past year on March 25, 2010 I lost the love of my life. My husband of 46 years was diagnosed in January with lung cancer. He always was so healthy and we knew each other since 1st grade so I felt like part of me died that day. It was a traumatic death where he had a rare side effect from Avastin one of his chemos.
Life has to go on whether you want it to or not. I went for counseling for most of this year and had been on meds until a month ago. I would reccommend a private counselor rather than group therapy, cause I feel it can help you alot. Think about it. But if you want to just vent on this site, there are so many who can give you advice.
Take care Courtney!! "Carole"

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