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Taking over my mom's care: please help!!!

flashmycello
Posts: 7
Joined: Jan 2011

I am hoping someone can give me some advice on this.

I am 25 years old, and my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast/bone cancer last month. It has not gone into her organs yet, which I think is good news. She is a very strong person. She has taught elementary music for 35 years, and I am taking over for her until her treatment is completed (I substitute and work at a bank). I am confident in her ability to go into remission, but I am very worried about one thing. Before this all went down, my mom was planning to file for divorce from my dad.

I want my mom and my 19 year old brother to come and live with me (I live alone in a 3 bedroom in a very nice condo community). My mom is very trapped inside her house. My dad is very, very mentally ill (brought on by the death of his 90 year old parents). He is a hoarder, very narcissistic, and has hit my mom before (he doesn't now). He takes a myraid of medication for mental health and physical health (cannot make it to the bathroom, etc). He is lazy-refuses to clean the house, will watch 12-13+ hours of TV on the weekend and lay on the couch while screaming at my mom. There is mold all over the house. My brother is starting to pick up some of my dad's behavior.

I am confident that I can provide a level of care that my dad cannot. My mom's coworkers to help as well. They have offered to rent a truck/moving company. Retired teachers have offered to stay with my mom while I am working or my brother is in class. My uncle and grandma are healthy and want to help. I have been staying @ home while my mother begins treatment. It is an awful place to recover from medical treatments. I have a clean apartment, a steady income, and the room to take them in. My mother doesn't want to "burden" me. I have enough help where it will not be a burden. She is not even scheduled for chemo-just hormones, radiation, and surgery.

My father will not let people come inside. They have to drop off meals on the porch. My mom is trapped. I don't want her recovery to be like this. What can I do? Can I talk to an attorney? Can my uncle become her power of attorney and get her out? Should I call the health department? Help.

-Aryn in OH

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

With both feet!! By the sounds of your post, she is not in a healthy environment for a HEALTHY person, much less one that is battling this awful beast.

Either get your mom on board or take some sort of legal action. DSS type services can help as well.

Please.....you are on the right track and your heart is in it......so what you have to do, you will never regret it.

My best to you and your mother!

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

I think you need to do whatever you have to in order to take care of your mom; including reporting unsafe living conditions to the police who can evaluate your father for a 72 hour mental health placement if he's deemed a danger to himself or others. The "other" being your mom at this point. All of us on this board have recognized that this Cancer Beast is serious business. It wants to take our loved ones. My husband passed of liver cancer 3 1/2 weeks ago, and I am thankful that I don't have any recriminations about doing what ever it took to make him more comfortable, including offending and alienating family members. He and his health were my top priority.
Just my two cents.
Penny

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