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Gamma Knife Surgery - I hate this cancer!

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

After Bob’s brain surgery on January 12th it had been decided that he needed to be treated with Gamma Knife Surgery. This procedure was done on Tuesday, February 1st, it was a long process that started at 6 in the morning and we walked out of there by Noon. In the two weeks after Bob’s brain surgery his tumor had started to regrow and instead of the 1/2 hour of radiation planned his doctor decided to be on the aggressive side and treat him with 2 hours.

As this news was being delivered to me by his doctor the words - “larger after surgery” & “regrowing” kept echoing in my head. Bob was prepped and snoring in his chair ready to be rolled away for his radiation treatment. This whole morning was really frightening to me and so was this news of tumor regrowing and as everyone left the room I couldn’t hold back my tears any longer. I realized that I hadn’t really cried since last summer when I had my meltdown. This treatment was getting the best of me today and I couldn’t sort my feelings in all this craziness. Thinking back on the past weeks... one doctor saying he got all the tumor and removed all lymph nodes, now Bob is cancer free, that was in July. Then a brain tumor being removed with a doctor saying he got “most all” of it, that was in January. Now another doctor saying yes, this time he thinks he will get it all with gamma knife, this is February. We are talking 7 months... yes, I want to believe...

I find my heart tearing apart in my chest and my tears rolling silently down my face as I spent 2 hours waiting for Bob to return to me. I have to wonder would I have what it takes as Bob does to wake up each morning knowing it might not be my best days any longer. I admire him more and more for the man he is and strives to be. He does not complain because of his diagnosis but strives to do his best with what he has been given.

I hate this cancer with every cell of my being. Since Bob’s diagnosis I have read there are a lot of patients that have learned to be grateful for having cancer. I may be just the caregiver but I feel damn close to the subject of cancer and everything I have learned so far. I am not that grateful yet. I am not sure Bob is there yet either. BUT... I am reaching in places inside myself that I did not know existed and had it not been for Bob’s diagnosis I don’t know if I could have explored myself this deeply if for any other reason. I’m sure I have a long ways to go and I don’t look forward IF this cancer road takes me there.

So, we wait until March 7th for one more test, one more deep breath.

Peace to you.

Deb
lovingwife to Bob, stage 4

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Deb,
Wow, can't believe the tumor grew with all that Bob has gone through! It's so hard to watch our loved ones go through all this stuff. When my hubby Tom got sick last January, it made me sick to see him going through radiation & chemo. And then when I lost him in March it was such a shock and so traumatic, I didn't think I'd ever be able to live a "normal" life again.
But here it is, almost a year and I made it. It's unbelievable because I thought I'd never laugh again. I thank God every day for this website and all of you on here who have made me into a Caregiver Survivor. This coming tuesday would be our 47th anniversary, so I'm sure I won't be smiling on that day, and some tears will fall again.
Deb, cherish every day that you have with Bob and I'm sure he'll be okay cause it sounds like he's a real fighter. I'll say a prayer that on March 7th the test goes good.
Take care Deb. "Carole"

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

I've been told that holding in the fear, the sadness, the anger can block any positive moment that may be trying to enter. After going through what I have, I think it may be true. So, months ago, I let it go. I cried it out. This release helped me so much.

You have gone through so much, watching this disease attack the man of your life. The ups and downs that you describe are enough to drive anyone crazy!

I also, found that I was discovering many things about myself that I'm not sure I would have, had it not been for my husband's dx. And I'm not in the place where I can say that any of it was good for me, yet. Of course, watching the disease progress, seeing the many procedures that were done. The poison that was inserted into him,in the hope of more time for us. Those things will never be good for anything I can yet imagine! But the wonderful medical staff, the other survivors that I met and got to know. My love retiring earlier. The way it brought family and friends closer, and they remain that way today. Those may be some good things that came from this.

You know, Deb, when you wrote about being out in the waiting room alone, waiting for Bob to come out, and how you were feeling. I often felt that way when Dennis would be taken for a test, procedure, radiation, pic line and port implant. It was so difficult and distressing to me! Wondering how he was doing, how he would feel, how he would recover. Wondering too, if I could be strong enough to take care of all his needs. I used to be paranoid of anyone sneezing or coughing around me, as I felt that I could not get sick myself, how could I take care of Dennis and be able to be close to him? Somehow, I never caught anything!

You both will be in my thoughts. Best wishes for a good recovery and good results from this last procedure. Take care.

Lucy

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Hang in the best you can. Don't be afraid to cry or you will not be doing yourself any favors. You will continue to be amazed with the strength that you will find within yourself (and from family and friends) to help Bob through this.

Today is my husband's (Mike) birthday; he would have been 55. He lost his battle to stomach cancer two weeks ago today. I am so very sad, and yet, with the support of family and friends, I hope to get through this day.

Happy Birthday Mike.

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Tomorrow would have been Dennis' and mine 30th Anniversary! Boy, did I give myself the gift of a good cry last night! I will probably cry tomorrow, but I think my mind and heart wanted for me to release the pressure valve early. It helped. Now, thinking about tomorrow, I am planning to approach it as a day of remembering all of our happy times. Because he is no longer physically here does not mean I shouldn't wrap myself in the beauty that was our life.

As each day passes, I find that I am beginning to reflect on that more than the tragedy that struck us.

Deb, you tell Bob to continue to strive for better days. Both of you should do all you can to live in the now. Enfold yourselves in each others love. Our tomorrows may bring about changes that may be difficult, but with yesterday's love, we can see our way through!

Neverquit, Mike's Birthday will always be his Birthday, that's how I see it for my love's. I also know that these days will not be easy. That the sadness of not having him to celebrate alongside of me will be there. Happy Birthday to your Mike. And peace for you.

Lucy

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Thanks Lucy. Nicely said. I like the remembering the happy times; and I shall do that the rest of today.

I wish you a day tomorrow full of happiness and no sorrow. I'll bet that Dennis will be celebrating your anniversary tomorrow too. May tomorrow be filled with only the best memories and may you have a peaceful day.

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

Thank you for your support as always... that is why I come here. I look for feedback from others who walk the same path I do, at least I know someone inside my computer will know what I am feeling inside, what is tearing me up.

The pressure begins to build between now and March 7th, new scans will show the results of the Gamma Knife surgery. So Bob and I decided to plan a trip to the beach in a couple of weeks. We do need to get away and clear our heads before we are faced with another decision again, before we are faced with news taking us in one direction or another. There are days I feel like a puppet on a string, like someone else is in control of my life. For someone who is so independent this is not a good feeling at all. I am fighting this instead of going with the flow... acceptance is not of my nature.

My husband is my mirror, the best part of my reflection and that what is scaring me.

What happens if he disappears?

The what ifs play in my mind daily...

Thank you again for being here, for listening.

Deb
lovingwife to Bob, stage 4

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1561
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Deb my csn friend,
Take a deep breath, count to ten, now after getting all of this &**^% off your chest...do you feel a little better? I was happy to see your recent post. I have been wondering how you and Bob have been doing. Sounds like you and your drs. have been on the right path. Doing the best they can to conquer the cancer. I have heard nothing but wonderful things of the Gamma Knife treatment. Hey, at least there are treatments available for him! That is a good thing! Keep on truckin girlfriend! Keep us up to date, and give yourself and Bob a big hug from me.
Tina in Va

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