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My dad is at peace.

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

My dad passed away on 1/19/2011 at the age of 56 from Sarcoma of the lungs. He went on Home Hospice in October. Decisions were made (not by me) to bring him to the hospital in his final days. I was with him in the hospital and I was able to recount memories, tell him how much I loved him, and comb his hair one last time. I will write more when my head is clear. I cannot think straight, and I cannot breathe without tears coming to my eyes. I miss my dad so much. I have a lot to write, and I will soon...

Thank you for listening, and thank you for the support during this difficult time - it just gets more and more difficult.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry for your loss. I know there are no words that help, but just knowing others care may. These next few days will pass in somewhat of a daze. That's good because it helps you do what needs to be done. God bless. Fay

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

I too am so sorry for your loss...too many people, dying too young for this dreadful disease. In my thoughts.
Becky

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

Time....time to heal, time for it all to seem real. How much time that takes, no one can say, there will be things years to come that bring back such emotion.

I lost my mom, my best friend 4 months ago, and I honestly some times think that I have still not truly dealt with it. 2 days after she past, my MIL was put on hospice and passed a month a day after mom. Just too much to process.

Get mad, scream, curse, whatever feels right to you is right FOR you.

Be good to yourself!
Elysia

rubyslippers
Posts: 53
Joined: Jul 2010

I know their are no words I can say that can ease your pain, its been 6 months since I lost my wonderful mum. I do know what your going through and I know what pain is lying ahead. Just remember we are here for you all the time, anything you want to say rant and rave you can say it on here. You take care off yourself and remember we are here hun xxxxx

madhura
Posts: 21
Joined: Aug 2010

Hopeful 720
very very sorry for ur loss. ur post brought tears to my eyes.
someone else is going through exactly the same pain as me - it's unbearable and if it supposedly gets better with 'time' - it's LOT of time.
pls take care of urself - 'coz ur dad would want that.

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, kindness, compassion, and support. Thank you for allowing me to feel without giving me generic lines, and without just saying that my dad is in a better place. The best place for my dad would be with me, and the people that love him the most. It hurt me to see him in pain, and it hurt just as much to say goodbye. It warmed my heart to come on here and read all of your posts. We've all been through loss, pain, anger - we've all dealt with the nightmares that cancer brings - and it has brought us together to support each other, and be there for each other during the dark, difficult, painful, heartbreaking moments. I will continue to curse, scream, cry, write, pray, and I will continue to try and talk to my dad wherever he is...

I know some people said I will feel him around me. I feel like he is far away. I had one dream about him since he passed. My grandmother who passed away (my mom's mom) was also there. She told me that she was him and that he was fine. I was talking to my dad in my dream and then he was gone... I miss him. I keep thinking I will wake up from this nightmare. I hate cancer - I hate the pain it causes others, the lives it takes, and the aftermath it leaves behind. Everyone here is so strong, and I hope to gain strength from everyone here.

Thank you again for your kindness and warmth. I am crying again. I hope my dad knows how much I love him. Combing his hair helped him to fall asleep that last day - he was agitated and anxious (before they gave him anti-anxiety medicine) - my dad smiled at me during the end, and he was able to find some peace amongst the doctors, beeping, and chatter. He focused on me, and I focused on him. I wish he had been kept on hospice care (like I said, it was not my decision to bring him in the hospital), but at the same time, I had the chance to take care of my dad, talk to my dad, and share the love I have for him just a little longer...

I love you dad. I hope you're singing with the angels, and I hope you found Poppy, too. Going back to work seems like too much to bear. Everyone keeps telling me to keep busy. I don't want to keep busy. I want to keep quiet and still.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

So sorry to hear about your dad. You've been a great daughter and I'm sure he appreciated everything you did for him. I remember when my dad died in 1990 I felt so bad cause I was always "Daddys little girl". Lost my mom in 1989 so felt like an orphan. They both had cancer. And now losing my hubby last March, cancer hit again. I hate it!!!
We have alot of angels watching over us, so just have to think of that.
Take care & if you aren't ready to go back to work, don't. I know I don't work, but do go to our local coffee shop every day and have a special group of friends who have helped me through everything. It does help to be with people. "Carole"

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

to have found this board a year ago, and to be here now. I hate cancer, too. I am so sorry for the losses you've had in your life because of this disease. Yes - we have many angels watching over us, and protecting us. Going to a local coffee shop to meet friends sounds wonderful. I guess it does help to be with people even though I keep wanting to be alone. Your post reminds me that I need to turn to others for support (although I am so glad I am able to turn to the members on here...) Take care, as well Carole, and thank you for your kindness. Do you ever write/read at the coffee place, or do you meet friends every day? Keep finding support where you can... I think that is wonderful. It is difficult to go to work - I've taken some time and it has helped in some ways, but I keep feeling like I need more time. Thank you for understanding, and for validating my feelings.

Hugs and warmth,

Lauren

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

It is so hard going back to work. I even took some extra time than I had for bereavement and I feel like I am just going through the motions. The people at my job are extremely supportive, but I still feel like I do not want to be there. I still feel like all I want to do is sit in the quiet and miss my dad. Going to work just makes me frustrated... I do not feel ready. I wish I could take more time. I've posted this on other boards, but I feel like the chaos and hustle and bustle of the outside makes me anxious. I just want quiet.

I miss my dad so much,

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

I wish I had the right words to say to take away your pain. I can only say I am very sorry for your loss and that I hope you find the peace you need. Take care.

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

Thank you so much neverquit for your words of comfort and support. Your words were just what I needed. Take care, too - thank you again for writing.

sal314
Posts: 633
Joined: Jul 2010

My father passed away 2 weeks ago today. He fought hard the past 11 months trying to beat Esophageal cancer. He had a good quality of life up until about mid January. Then slid down hill fast.

I think I'm still in a bit of shock. Everything seems like one big blur. He was in ICU then Palliative Care in the hospital for 4 days before he passed. I too had time to tell him how much he meant to me, hold his had, feed him ice chips and prayed for him A LOT!!

Though I knew this whole grieving thing would be hard, I didn't think it would be this difficult. Just plain hurts. Physically hurts my heart.

Anyway...my thoughts and prayers are with you, as I can really relate to what your going through.

Blessings,
Sally

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

Sally,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know exactly how you feel. I went through a similar end with my dad, and you are right, it physically hurts. I explain that my heart aches and it hurts. It is so difficult.

... My thoughts and prayers will continue to be with you as we both go through this grieving process. I go through sadness, anxiety, panic attacks, pain, and just heartache... I am thinking of you.

Blessings, hugs, and warmth to you,
Lauren

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

On the 19th of January it will be one year since my dad passed away. I feel the heaviness in my chest, and the same anxiety I was feeling last year as I waited to hear the news...I miss my dad so much. I am sorry I have not reached out more, or been there to support others, but I am here now. I am ready... I hope. Sending many prayers your way.

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