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No birthday cake today

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

My husband died 3 weeks ago almost to this very minute. It still doesn't seem real most of the time. Today would have been his birthday. No celebration with birthday cake or going out to dinner today. Instead we visited his gravesite for the first time.

That turned out to be an interesting outing. He was buried at a veteran cemetary and you do not go to the gravesite on the day of the burial. They hold a small service in their chapel and then they take the body out and you leave. they give you a piece of paper that tells you the plot number and shows you the general area that the grave is in. What made this interesting was that there was about 4-6 inches of snow on the ground. The temporary marker is just a piece of paper, enclosed in plastic, and laying flat on the ground. It looked real weird to see a group of 11 people walking around scraping snow off the ground every few feet to see if we could find something. My daughter finally found it and we gathered around. we had brought some flowers and a small, helium "Happy Birthday" balloon on a stick. The ground was too frozen to insert anything so we stood the flowers and balloon up and made a mound of snow all around them to keep them straight. It was difficult for us all but we made it through.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Honey!! I hope the angels sang for you today!

Debbie

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

How beautiful, Debbie. These times, birthdays, anniversaries and notable dates, will be difficult for us. It was wonderful that you were with loved ones and that you all went to honor your husband. And in that cold, none the less!

I believe that our husbands will see and know what we are doing, and that they will be praying for peace and a good life for us. And if they could, they would say "thank you".

Thank you for sharing. I've been worrying about how I will feel and cope on Feb. 7th, what would have been our 30th anniversary. Perhaps I will mark the occasion with a simple but loving tribute to him, to us, to what we were blessed with for all those many years.

Take care,
Lucy

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Debbie, my heart goes out to you. Fot the past two Fridays at 4:00 I've thought "This very minute" Thanks for sharing your story of trying to find that temporary marker. I'm doing my morning CSN check in, them I'm heading to my husbands memorial service this afternoon. I found out yesterday that a bunch of his friends are all riding their motorcycles in as a tribute. My youngest son polished Mike's bike yesterday, and he'll be heading up the group.

I know that Mike will be smiling at this,
Penny

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

You are going before me and I thank you so much for sharing these things. His birthday is on Tuesday and I am thrilled he is not only here to see it, but will be lucid enough to accept the birthday wishes.

May will much harder - we would have been married 4 years on May 18.

Live for today, and don't borrow tomorrows troubles. They will find you soon enough.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Debbie, Penny & Lucy & April,
First to Deb. I thought that was so nice that even though there was snow on the ground, you left the balloon & flowers. I'm sure your hubby was looking down & saying "thanks honey"! These firsts will be the hardest for all of us.
Penny, Our 47th anniversary would be on Feb. 8th. Haven't decided what to do yet. We have crypts, and they're up too high to put anything on them. So I'll probably just go there and "cry" a little & say "wish you were here honey"!
Lucy, I know it'll be hard for you when one of these things comes up too. This is so new for all of us, since we just lost our hubbys. I still can't believe that it'll be a year ago on March 25th since Tom died.
And April, you still have your husband. So treasure every day that you have with him. Hopefully he is with you for awhile yet. Tell him "Happy Birthday" from me.
We're all going to be okay as long as we know we have "angels" watching over us.
"Carole"

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

yes, a friend said that my husband was probably looking down and laughing his head off at how ridiculous we all looked. The family decided that we will go back on Father's Day and hope that by that time, the grave will be groomed and have grass covering it. Perhaps the permanent marker will be there by then also.

I'm sure our anniversary (#31)this June will be hard too. But then again, every day is hard right now. It just keeps hitting me afresh every day that this is FINAL. It's hard to explain, but Carole, Penny, Lucy...you can probably all relate. It just seems like he's temporarily gone somewhere and then it hits you...he's not coming back!

I have to tell you that even though it was a tearful morning, the day did end on a good note. The night before (Friday) my 12 year old son played a basketball game. They knew ahead of time that is was a powerhouse team and they had no chance of winning. Still, when it was over, my son was in a very bad mood and was complaining that he didn't get to play enough and that he was better than some other players. It just didn't seem like him to complain this way and I could tell there was something more. As I continued to ask questions, it finally came spilling out that he thought his daddy would not have been proud of him the way he played and that was his goal. I got so upset, I had to pull the car over to the side of the road and we both cried. I assured him that if he had given it his best, then his dad would be proud. Well, the next day (Saturday) right after visiting the cemetery, I had to take him to another basketball game. This game turned out to be one of the most exciting games i have seen in ages with the lead going back and forth. When it was over, our team had won by one point!!! On the way home, Kyle commented how nice it was that he won a game on daddy's birthday. And yes, he would have been proud.
Debbie

skipper85's picture
skipper85
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010

I know what you mean about not believing your husband's death is final - he's not coming back. I have the same issue about my husband. It still doesn't seem real and it's been over (3) weeks. So many of us caregivers seem to have lost our husband's recently. I'm glad we have this board to bond together and help each other.

That was a wonderful moment for Kyle (winning the game on his Dad's birthday). It's so hard for young children to lose a parent, but I'm sure you are giving him double the love now. You sound like a great mom.

My husband is sitting on my mantle, waiting for the warmer weather when we can spread his ashes in the ocean. It still just doesn't seem real.

You and Kyle are going to be okay - we all are even though we are missing an important part of our lives.

((HUGS))

Skipper

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

glad I'm not crazy then. When the one you've been caring for has had several extended hospital stays and has become more "detached" from daily household life because of the cancer, it is not unusual to not see them constantly around the house. (Did that make any sense?) Some days it just seems like normal....I've been taking care of kids and house by myself for the last several months. I guess it's when I go up to our bedroom that it hits me anew...he won't ever be in here again. That's the hard part.
debbie

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Debbie,
I moved our bedroom furniture around to shake off some of the feeling that Mike will be walking in the door at any moment. But at night, when it starts getting quiet, I think about him and almost can see him sitting at the computer or in his recliner, and it's very difficult. Some one shared with me last night that this feeling has never really gone away for her, which I find a little disheartening. I'm just taking it one day at a time, and being as gentle with myself as I can. Prayers for you...
Penny

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