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Just wondering...

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3171
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi guys,
Do any of you ever think.."whats the point?" I've caught myself saying this more than once over the last few months. Like...whats the point of thinking long range...like how to spend the golden years...you know...future planning??? I'll drift off in my thinking about finding that little log cabin on the river, or maybe getting a new fishing boat, and then bam...I say to myself.."whats the point"? I say it when I'm thinking about buying some new clothes, or buying something new for the house, etc, etc. Is this normal? Do any of you ever think thoughts like this? I'll tell ya...I'm sure saving alot of money thinking this way...hahaha! Anyways..I was just wondering...Love...Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)

forme's picture
forme
Posts: 1158
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi Sue,
I may not feel those thoughts, but I do feel like whats the point in more treatments. Mostly i try to stay more positive. I tell myself that I first had cancer in 76 and I am still here to say that. So, what ever choices I have made on this journey, I am not ready to say whats the point in the future. There is always a future, and lots of choices about how to live it.
Its late and I know that I sound like I am rambling. But here I am night owl looking to connect.
Lisha

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3171
Joined: Jul 2010

Hey Lisha...
Well..here I sit like you... it's 12:05 and I'm wide awake thinking about stuff I have no control over. I was on-line looking at furnishings for log homes and was totally into it when out of the blue I thought.."whats the point" of doing this? The chances of us selling out and moving to the river and starting over is sooooo not in the cards right now, but...here I sit looking at log cabin kits, property and furniture. I'm happy, I'm not depressed or feeling sorry for myself, so it jolts me when I think ugly thoughts, or give up. I'm not that kind of person..I've always been the one to mind trip about our future and the first to say "yes"..lets do it, but not so much anymore. I'm thinkin it's the come down from treatments being done and just not knowing whats in store down the road...ya think? I like the old me...this so called "new normal" just doesn't suit my personality and I guess I'm struggling to find my old self that maybe is gone for good. Does that sound crazy?....Sue

forme's picture
forme
Posts: 1158
Joined: Aug 2010

Sue,
You are still you. The new normal people speak about, still includes you the way you always are. It may mean excepting that some things in life will be done in new ways or just not done at all. maybe replaced by other better things.
for me, cancer has changed my life. Not in a bad way, but I think in a stronger way. I may not have the energy I use to have, but some of that has to be from aging, I think. I had a bunch of tough years after the cancer came back. I was really sick and was told that I would not survive. HA! I think I told you about that time in my life. I even fired the hospice. Well not really fired them, but asked them to leave and not come back. Here I am today, more cancer but still have a future and lots to do. I may not want to do all the medical crap, but i sure do want to finish my house and hopefully have some more granbabies. Three is not enough for me. I know that your getting ready for a newbie in May. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl. Two of my daughters were born in May. Spring is so beautiful...
Lisha

forme's picture
forme
Posts: 1158
Joined: Aug 2010

Sue..
I did buy a brand new Acura SUV last year, so I am locked into a future of car payments.
I say, go buy something for yourself. Maybe not a new car, but something you have always wanted but felt like you didn't need to have it. Just for you...
Lisha

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3171
Joined: Jul 2010

Lisha...I really think once winter is over, sunny days are back and the baby gets here, I'll be so darn happy that nothing will hold me back. I have plenty to be grateful for and plenty more to look forward too... It's just been a weird week for me and a little too much "stinkin thinkin" going on in my head. I'll put it in check..us Libra's are good at that. Better get my butt to bed...You take care my friend, and thanks for listening...Love...Sue

forme's picture
forme
Posts: 1158
Joined: Aug 2010

This week was a big week for you. Maybe even a bit of a let down. Your news was really great. STABLE is a super place to be. But maybe not the word you wanted to hear. I think that has a lot to do with weird thoughts and feelings. I had lots of down moments this week too. reading over the test results got to me. But it is what it is..
sleep well my friend.
Lisha

nhldaughter
Posts: 69
Joined: Nov 2010

hi sue,

i just got on to check up on you and see how the results came. stable is good, but i know how you must have felt not to hear "in remission". my mom had her petscan this week and next week we see if the 2 cycles of B-R have worked so far. we're very nervous.
as for what's the point?! well, i'm going through that right now. we just found out my dad has an enlarged lymphnode in the exact same spot my mom's started! we were like, really God?!!!!!! so now not only do we have to worry about my mom, but also get the testing process started for my dad. i keep hoping it is nothing and disappears by itself. I don't know... (sigh)
Roya

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3171
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Roya,
So nice of you to pop in and comment..one just never knows who is up this late and dealing with heavy thoughts. Looks like there are a few of us up thinking tonight.Roya.. I'm so sorry for this new situation thats come up with your dad. When it rains it pours! I can only imagine how nervous and anxious you and the family are feeling...sigh..indeed! Well..take it one step at a time...get moms test results and then go from there, and then get dad started. You've made it this far with your mom, so I have no doubt you will find that extra strength hidden inside of you to handle whats ahead for your dad. Your family is really being tested right now, but from what you've shared in prior posts, I'm confident you will all rise to this new challenge and and get things done. Keep the faith Roya and remember each day to ask God for his help..."ask and you will receive". Please keep us posted and know we are here for you. God bless you and your family.
Much love...Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)

vinny59's picture
vinny59
Posts: 1030
Joined: Nov 2006

Hey Sue, I think the point is, to live everyday the best we can, some will be worse then others, but others will be memorable!! Try not to sweat things you can't control........... Keep your head up.... Vinny

miss maggie
Posts: 929
Joined: Mar 2010

Hi Sue,

Some mornings I wake up with a gray cloud over my head. Feeling so down. I say to myself, today might not be a good day. Tomorrow will be better. Hopefully this feeling you have "what's the point", is only temporary. All of us have been through so much, some worse than others. We have to give ourselves a break. I don't say this because I am now in remission. It might seem easy for me. But's it's not. The love of my life passed away in 2004. But, I have to be thankful for a super daughter, and 3 wonderful grandchildren. Let me not forget some wonderful friends.

Love Maggie

tcvine's picture
tcvine
Posts: 174
Joined: Aug 2010

Well Sue, I'm thinking that you stay up posting too late at night. You have started a firestorm of frenzy here with your philosophical speaking!
What's the point?!? What's the point!?!
Oh, what's the point?

The point is to see, feel, hear, experience whatever the next day is going to bring. Think about those moments in life when the next day brought something that changed your life forever. (It has happened more often that we realize.) Maybe that was good, maybe it was bad -- but would you have wanted to miss it?

It is now a new day, dawn here. I don't expect anything unusual today. Finish putting the whirlpool tub back together after having to repair it this week. Work on some tedious accounting stuff for my small consulting activity. Go upstairs and exercise. Nothing special. Maybe. But maybe I'll --------. Fill in the blank. That's the thing. The point is not what won't happen. The point is - what will?

Anyway, thanks for being thought provoking. We never know when a life-changing moment will happen. I certainly was never expecting to find a lump in my neck in June of last year. Changed my life. I wonder what will happen today.

Much love,
Tom (DLBCL-Stage 4-7/10-Remission)

COBRA666's picture
COBRA666
Posts: 2418
Joined: May 2010

Sue,
I know what you mean. I used to do the same thing.Then I think I figured out something. Every living thing on this planet will die one day. Its just we do not know when. Nobody ever gives it a second thought because things are going so well. Then we get hit with this hugh bump in the road and it makes us think. There is nothing written in stone as to when or if this will come back on us. We all know what we had to go thru with the treatments though.Think of all the people that never have any warnings such as heart attacks,car accidents,suicides,strokes,acute diabetes,etc.etc. They are here and then it takes our breath away when they are gone. We just got a preview to let us know we are all vulnerable. There are survivors out there that have been around for over 20 years and still going strong. Hope this didn't confuse things. Sometimes we know what we are trying to say but don;t know how to write it. John(FNHL-1-4A-5/10)
Just think if there was a machine that could tell each person on earth when the end would come,then everyone would probably sit and think,"Whats the point" What do you think?

yesyes2
Posts: 461
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Sue,

Boy, I really agree with what Vinny said. For me the point is to live each day to it's fullist, to live each day as if it could be my last. As John said, we do not know when our time is up and cancer for me was a wake up call I guess I needed 4 times. That means to be both kind to myself and other, and to let the people around me know how much I love them. Some days I am so tired and overwhelmed that I do go to what's the point, but I know this happens when I'm over stressed and over tired, and it doesn't last for very long. I also live more for today than tomorrow as tomorrow may not come. That means plan and take that vacation now, buy that new (fill in the blank) today, or do action steps to make that dream happen in the not to distant future. I bat heads with my husband all the time over my life style and his as he is very much a future thinker. Why plan for a vacation when you retire, take it now and enjoy the memorys for a life time. Bear in mind that you need to have the funds to hand all this. And still plan for retirement, family , etc. Just my musing. Sorry it's so long winded.

I think this week has been very stressful for you and you are so new to being out of treatment it's doubly hard. Just remember all your feeling are normal and perfectly understandable.

Love you,
Leslie

COBRA666's picture
COBRA666
Posts: 2418
Joined: May 2010

Leslie,
You saying people are always saving and planning for the way distant future.I agree with what you are saying wholeheartedly. I am talking about people in their 30's and 40's. Its those people and like me I was one of them that figured life was going to go on forever. Never gave any thoughts to anything that could happen to alter that idea. Then all of a sudden I am hit with this Big ole' bump in the road and realize that the future is there but don't know really for how long.Its always been that way,but I never realized it. The other group of people which I used to belong too are still planning for the distant future because they do not see any vulnerability in the road. Its there but they have never had to face it.I don't think anyone really thinks that life will end so thats why they do make these distant plans. having this lymphoma does make a person realize they and everyone else is vulnerable.

yesyes2
Posts: 461
Joined: Jul 2009

John,
I totally agree with you. It takes getting hit in the head, or your bump in the road, to get that life is not a given. I believe that my breast cancer diagnosis was where life as I knew it changed forever. Up until 18 yrs ago I was one of those people you talked about, thinking I would go on forever. And after treatment my new normal included this knowledge. For a long time I was very angry that this false belief was taken away from me. I was in my early/mid 40s and most people I knew didn't think about dying. Now I know that this knowledge was a gift. And 15 years later I was given another wake up call. Go figure.
I always enjoy your thoughts and insights.
Leslie

yesyes2
Posts: 461
Joined: Jul 2009

It's funny, I couldn't get to sleep last evening also. I thought about going on line and now wish I had. Could have offered my 2 cents worth last evening, LOL. Just wonder what it was with last night that kept our minds so active. Do you think maybe us peeps are psy. connected? Just a thought.
Leslie

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3171
Joined: Jul 2010

It is kind of funny...my sister called at 8:00 this morning and said she layed awake until 3:00 last night. I bet she's nappin now...ha! Actually...I've been getting to bed alot earlier this last month, and I do find my thoughts are alot healthier with a good nights sleep under my belt. Un-like you, I've only been dealing with this crap since June, so as time goes on I'm sure I'll handle the "bumps" in the road with a bit more grace. It's sure nice to know that when we "DO" have bad days we have each other to reach out too. Last night was just a weird night...glad it's over! Thanks for yours and everyone elses positive thoughts...yanked me right back where I should be.."happy and grateful".
Have a good weekend...Love...Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)

COBRA666's picture
COBRA666
Posts: 2418
Joined: May 2010

I was up late too.It was a full moon last night!!!! LOL John

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3171
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi guys....
Steve said the same things to me that all of you have said. I always share my thoughts with him and 9 times out of 10 he gives me the right answers and gets me back on track. I told him earlier this morning how I've been thinking and he said "hey..you had a stressful few weeks and now it's time to move on and get busy with living". He said we are going to sell the old boat and go look at some new ones, and if we see one that we like then we will just buy it. Steve has a guy at work that wants our boat and he has cash in his hands and ready to pounce on it, so...why not? Kind of exciting yet a little scary, but thats the old pinny pincher side of me talkin...ha! Anyways... I sure hope I didn't bum any of you out with this topic, because that wasn't my intent. I'm good today and it's the weekend, so onward and upward! BTW....Hey Vinny...did you get your tests results back yet? Let us know when you do. Thanks all...I promise to lose the "whats the point" stinky thoughts. I'll post a picture of the new boat when we find one. There's a boat show at the mall next weekend....so who knows!!!!
Love ya...Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)

yesyes2
Posts: 461
Joined: Jul 2009

Sue,
First off don't ever worry about bumming us out. We're here to listen to you and help if we can. Actually, I think this topic is very relevent to a lot of us, think we have all been there and done that.
The new boat shopping sounds like fun and a really good idea if you are selling your old one. Let us know how the shopping goes.
Need to now get off the pudder and go out side and enjoy the day.
BTW...Neo is doing good on his reduced chemo. Is acting more alert and his node was smaller at last onc visit. We're all so much happier with his progress.
Love to you, Leslie

truckingalong
Posts: 444
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi, Sue,

Sorry I was not around earlier as I was out dealing with the chemo the past week. Now better. Having just read all this, I relate to what you were saying very much. This discussion is like a catharsis for me becuz this helps identify my thoughts and feelings that I could not put into words nor realize what I am feeling. This helps a lot!!

I am feeling much more vulnerable - maybe it is my first year as a cancer survivor and maybe it is becuz I just was done with chemo treatments. It is all new territory to me. Right now, I find myself thinking about long delayed house projects that I like to be done now! But yeah, I don't have control over being able to finish everything due to money, etc. So I am thinking a lot about re-prioritizing but I get emotional about that. Hmmm.

Likewise, my hubby keeps me on my feet and move on!

Hugs,
Liz

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