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everything and nothing to do with cancer

cher8871
Posts: 64
Joined: May 2010

i apologize....this will probably be long and will definitely ramble....

yesterday was, quite possibly, one of the WORST days of my life. dad feels like crap, he complains about EVERYTHING and when i do something to try and make it better he doesn't respond. wanted his computer hooked up to the internet....i did that...he won't even turn it on. wanted a coffee pot in his room, in case he got up before i did....did that...i still make it, pour it and clean it up afterwards. ALL he does is sit in the chair in the living room and hog the tv....and if my little man asks to watch something the answer is always "after the news goes off'. he watches the news at 12, 5, 5:30, 6, and 6:30....REALLY????!!!!!!! i want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and to top it all off, yesterday the hubby and i went to play poker. we belong to a league, it's free and we've met LOTS of fantastic people in the past year. hubby likes to drink beer, which i'm fine with. i'm more of a tequila person...lol. nonetheless, he drank like 10 beers while we were there and on the way home, ALL the way home, all i heard was how the house is a mess, i don't do this or that and he gets no appreciation and wow, was he griping about dad. believe me, i agreed with most of what he said about dad, but there isn't really anything i can do. can't make the cancer go away, can't make him a different person than he's ever been....a griper. i don't think dad knows how to be happy, especially since this cancer crap. and THEN, we stopped at a store and i was looking for him and i heard heere i am dummy. OMG....i walked up to him, poked my finger in his chest and said that i would put up with alot of sh!t but never, was he ever, to call me dummy again.

my house is a mess, but so is my kitchen that he hasn't finished. i brought up the fact that our son is almost 10 and he's gotten up to take him to school maybe 10 times and he's in THE FOURTH GRADE......when i read this it sounds really whiny but i'm ok with that too. i just wonder when enough is enough. i'm so depressed and have no insurance and no job. i can bust into tears at the drop of a hat....i just want to run away and lay down and shut the entire world out.

i should also mention that hubby has PTSD from something that happened to him as a kid....damn perverts. still, i don't deserve to be treated like this. i don't even know if i love him anymore....well i guess i do, just don't know if i'm IN love with him anymore. damn this sucks.......

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

Sorry for your fun night gone bad. Men...what do you do.

You are dealing with a lot right now, most of which you have zero control of. It is normal to feel all the feelings that you are feeling. You just have to learn which battles to pick during all this stress.

Trust me, been there done that got the tshirt! My hubby and stepdad got into it about 3 weeks before mom passed and it made life a living hell for me. I took leave from work and was with mom 6am-8pm every day as was my stepdad and brother. Well after the blow up it pissed hubby off that I was over there all the time...too bad dude!! Grow up!

So now I am rambling!! Just know that all of this is normal and this is a safe place to vent....be good to yourself!
Elysia

cher8871
Posts: 64
Joined: May 2010

i apologize for putting this on here when some of you have lost your spouses...it seems petty but i had to get it off of my chest..... :(

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

It is what it is. I posted about mine the other day and felt the same way, but I was told....don't worry about it, so you should as well!!

Take care....

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

I keep coming back to your post. Why I feel the need to say something, But What I don't really know. I can not say that anyone's life is easy. But it is life as we know it. I think w\when we are scared we some times yell or say things we normally would not say. Knee jerk reaction to things we are not sure of how to handle.
You have allot on your plate. I think this is a good place to vent. We all feel this way at one time or another. I think there is no exception .We all feel some times like no one understands . But here in this place we all know we have been there or we are there with you.
We tend to look at thinks harder to try to understand what is going on. That is just how we are.
I am glad you found this place. That you can be yourself here and learn you are going threw new fears and reactions to things in your life.
I hope you come back. Chatting with the people on here has made a world of difference to me. The thoughts that run threw my head don't seam so stange. Makes me feel a little more normal, that I am not alone.
Jennie

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

It sounds to me like you're doing a good job setting boundaries and standing up for yourself. That's so hard, along with everything else. I do wonder...for your husband to have hung in this long and have his father in law living with him, well, sometimes people who have drunk a bit spout off.

If the house is bothering you, get help with it. I pay my angel housekeeper to come work with me every two weeks, and between us we turn chaos into a nice home. I'm gone A LOT taking care of my mother, and my man does not have a gift for housework, at all.

Your father needs his own TV. Thrift stores have plenty of them, cheap.

Attend to the little things that will make this unmanageable life more manageable. The only one you can save is yourself.

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

tired (ok exhausted), scared, depressed, anxious, still doing all the Mom stuff . . .

naaaah you were due for a good rant. It's all gravy.

DO NOT APOLOGIZE. I love my husband, and know my time is short with him. But I still treat him just like I always have. I bust his chops one minutes, snap at him for being unreasonable the next, then 5 minutes later am squeezing his hand and telling him I love him. He's still my husband (in there somewhere) and i will treat him as such for as long as I can.

The griping can be handled a couple ways. Either you can leave for a weekend and give your men a crash course in what it's like for you lite, or you can point blank ask for specific help. You said you've met some fantastic people in your poker league. Think any of them would be up to the task of taking in a little bit of the housework? Maybe making a casserole or 3 to free up time for other things? Is there anyone that can take your kids off your hands for a couple of hours (Trust me, Pat n I don't have kids but I got a big kid I take care of everyday. LOVE YOU HUN!!)

Excellent standing up for yourself! Don't put up with that nonsense. And if he keeps it up, give as good as you get.

The TV idea is right on. I picked up a small set around here for less than $20. It's also possible you can find one that works for free that someone is putting out with the trash just because it isn't wanted anymore. Worth a shot :)

I know how you feel with your marriage. Taking care of a parent is hard, especially when he is such a big ol ray of sunshine :) It sounds like everyone in the house needs to speak to people and you need to speak to each other. Figure out what is going on and see if things can be adjusted.

And worse comes to worse, get a bottle with a worm n say to he!! with it for a day.

MCKMNL
Posts: 40
Joined: Jan 2011

I'm trying to sit here and think of how I want to word things, as sometimes I am so afraid what I say may come off wrong. So, I am like a mouthy smarty pants, but never, ever in a mean way. I would never go out of my way to be mean, or say something to hurt or upset you. I have to say, and please, do not hate me, as i was reading your thread, I was chuckling, ONLY BECAUSE, this is mY DAD TOO. He is very very new to his cancer DX, so i know his anger is out of, worry, fear, and knowing he is going to die from cancer. I also think at times he does not deal, or has not quite accepted his DX. I have a great smarty pants/lovingly joking elationship with my dad, so when he gets like that, i tell him I have a cast iron pan with his name on it, and if he continues, The pan will kill him, before the cancer does. I tell him to not be so damn crotchety, even though I know he has every right too, but mom amd I will treat pop as we always have. i refuse to treat my dad with kid gloves. I think you have every right to complain. We are HUMAN. Ya know what my dad told me the first day of his radiation treatment, i was like 2 minutes late picking him up to get him there ( by the way, we were no way going to be late for his appointent ) Told him I was sorry, I overspelt he told me I could sleep when he was dead, and I needed to be ON TIME, i told him to kiss my white bottom ( did not use the word bottom ), and kissed his cheek, and told him i was here, and i was not going to let him be late to get NUKED. I think we all deal in our own way, i also think it is how we chose to dela with our loved ones. I am lucky enough to come from a family where we are just pain silly crazy, it really has been a no hold bare lifew with my parents. Hang in there girl, when all esle fails, unplug his coffee pot :) I say this with tons of love and laughter.
Missy

MCKMNL
Posts: 40
Joined: Jan 2011

I'm trying to sit here and think of how I want to word things, as sometimes I am so afraid what I say may come off wrong. So, I am like a mouthy smarty pants, but never, ever in a mean way. I would never go out of my way to be mean, or say something to hurt or upset you. I have to say, and please, do not hate me, as i was reading your thread, I was chuckling, ONLY BECAUSE, this is mY DAD TOO. He is very very new to his cancer DX, so i know his anger is out of, worry, fear, and knowing he is going to die from cancer. I also think at times he does not deal, or has not quite accepted his DX. I have a great smarty pants/lovingly joking elationship with my dad, so when he gets like that, i tell him I have a cast iron pan with his name on it, and if he continues, The pan will kill him, before the cancer does. I tell him to not be so damn crotchety, even though I know he has every right too, but mom amd I will treat pop as we always have. i refuse to treat my dad with kid gloves. I think you have every right to complain. We are HUMAN. Ya know what my dad told me the first day of his radiation treatment, i was like 2 minutes late picking him up to get him there ( by the way, we were no way going to be late for his appointent ) Told him I was sorry, I overspelt he told me I could sleep when he was dead, and I needed to be ON TIME, i told him to kiss my white bottom ( did not use the word bottom ), and kissed his cheek, and told him i was here, and i was not going to let him be late to get NUKED. I think we all deal in our own way, i also think it is how we chose to dela with our loved ones. I am lucky enough to come from a family where we are just pain silly crazy, it really has been a no hold bare lifew with my parents. Hang in there girl, when all esle fails, unplug his coffee pot :) I say this with tons of love and laughter.
Missy

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