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The Government Paper Trail

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

And so it starts...

I don't believe it! Nine years! "They", the travel agent said it was legal , part of the United States (like Puerto Rico)! A beautiful island called Fiji, clear blue water, romantic, palm trees, sunsets and no crowds. A unique experience, a wedding on the beach!

Sure... I have a paper that says I am married. Social Security changed my name for me. DMV changed my name. Uncle Sam has been taken taxes under my married name for the last 9 years. But I can't PROVE that I am married. I have no "certificate" that proves that I am married, something that a "state" would give you. Fiji will only give "diplomats" such documents...

Well, now that my husband and I are facing a life altering experience (melanoma, stage 4) and we need to prepare for our future or his lack of one and my security, this piece of paper seems to be of the utmost importance if you want to "prove" to the insurance company that I am his "wife".

I can't tell you how mad I am right now. Can you imagine making this discovery alone, after the fact? Thank goodness he understands the seriousness of it all and how important the legality of getting our papers in order are. This is the hardest step so far in the process of his diagnosis. Pulling out all the insurance papers and banking information between the both of us. Trust issues from past experiences are sometimes hard to overcome.

I love this man with all my heart. We have stayed married through unemployment, raising 3 teenage daughters together and a house under constant construction. This is more than a piece of paper at this point in our lives but I am hating what it represents right now and what it is forcing us to do.

But I am nobody's fool especially where other people are concerned.

Soooooooo....... It looks like we will be getting married AGAIN!

Deb
lovingwife to Bob, melanoma stage 4

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

How wonderful! I feel you are having your magical moment. Yes, a piece of paper does not a marriage make to our hearts, but proves necessary for the the rest of the world. It is a good thing that you discovered this now. And a loving sign of your husband's love and care, that he realizes the need to tend to these matters. Just think, once everything is in order, that is going to leave much more time to live, love and laugh together! Where will you go for your "honeymoon"? Fiji, perhaps?

Have a great day,

Lucy

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

Lucy!

I just wanted to update you... I received in yesterday's mail my new Visa and my married name change! They recognize our marriage in Fiji almost 9 years ago! I'm sooooo excited! This means should something happen to my husband's health in the future the state should not have a problem with my status even though I won't be able to obtain a "certified copy" of our marriage certificate to prove otherwise. I am sooooo relieved, it shouldn't be a big deal but to insurance companies or banks it can be a problem.

Now the legal system can go jump in the lake and just maybe I can talk my husband into revisiting Fiji now that I can cross the borders legally once again. I would love to go back where we began our dream. We are facing another MRI March 7th for the his brain... nothing like living between tests these days.

Peace to you Lucy.

Deb
lovingwife to Bob, stage 4 melanoma

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

May your vows be even more sacred to you both! May you be blessed with time to relish this union! May peace surround you like a warm blanket of comfort! May re-visiting Fiji become a reality! May your love be strong and endure the passage of time! Here, here!

I am so happy to hear that you are married after all! And very glad for you that this will no longer be a cause for stress in your lives.

Hoping for good news from the MRI in March. I read your post on Bob's co-workers and the way they seem to act around him. You know, after much reflection and thought, I came to believe that folks tend to react in this manner because put simply, "there but by the grace of God, go I". When someone they know, they like, they respect, is diagnosed with cancer, it really brings up their "mortality". Wow, that could happen to them! Not that they mean to be selfish, but they are so blown away with that thought, they can't even think of what to say to you. It also happens to us caregivers. Many have shared with me that they don't know how they could deal with it. And I'm sure that my presence is a reminder of that. So maybe they shy away. Maybe they have been too busy to call. The real friends, don't care. Yes, they think of themselves and how it would affect their lives, but then they get over it and only want to be there for me. When they call, they really want to know that I am eating, that I am sleeping, what I need help with. They talk about how they feel about Dennis' passing, and ask how I am doing with the grieving and such.

While Dennis was ill, I encouraged questions. Asked for recipes, almost made them a part of the whole process. I would send a chain text after treatments and procedures, they would all send prayers before, and celebrations after, sometimes comfort. They felt like they had a part in his care giving, and embraced it! Of course, not all will react that way, and those I just began to not bother them with the info.

Anyway, you two have much to celebrate! Know that my heart is celebrating with you!

Lucy

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

Lucy,

Thank you for your support. Maybe my situation with my marriage certificate is unique but my worries are not and by reaching out to me you have made me feel comforted today. I really do appreciate your effort.

Cancer Patient or Role as Caregiver, I never imagined myself in this moment as I am certain several feel the same as I who visit here on this discussion board. I had a grand scheme of riding into the sunset with my husband on his Harley into retirement in 9 years and not looking back. One doctor's visit changed all of that if we believe in the percentages.

Hope? Sure, I try to carry some in my heart one day at a time until the next test day arrives.

So here I are looking for a connection with people who know what I am feeling and going through.

It's Sunday... and we made it one more day.

Peace to you Lucy.

Deb
lovingwife to Bob, stage 4 melanoma

imjb73
Posts: 34
Joined: Jan 2011

Deb,
That's great news. It has to be a great relief for both of you. There are way too many other things to worry about and deal with. Wishing you the best.
Joyce

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