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My Stepmother wants my Dad to die

LSpriggs
Posts: 4
Joined: Dec 2010

What would you do if you found out that your step-mother, the caregiver wanted your Dad to die? What would you do?
My Dad had a small tumor discovered in December 2008, he had a cancerous tumor categorized as adenocarcinoma removed from his right lung soon after official biopsy. The lung was then determined to be cancer free. My Dad's oncologist at that time stated to us that my Dad had less than a 5% chance of any further cancer in his body and tested some of his lymph nodes surrounding his lungs, they all appeared cancer free. My Dad did two rounds of chemo but could not continue it due to the toxicity.

In April of 2010, Dad started experiencing pain in his abdomen. My Dad's wife, took him to the Indian hospital and no diagnosis could be determined as to where the pain in his abdominal cavity stemmed from. She did not take him to a specialist or gastrointestinal doctor but to to a cheap clinic for diagnosis. He sat in pain for nearly 5 months, undiagnosed.

My husband and I intervened in August of 2010. After hearing of his suffering, we convinced my Dad to go to M.D. Anderson. He and his wife arrived at our home, and my Dad went to bed writhing in pain. His wife was in a rage and stated to me and to my husband "she wanted my Dad to die, and she wished he was dead" she stated this several times and it just shocked my husband to hear her speak out loud this way.

We loaded up the next day and took my Dad to MD Anderson and once he was there he had a biopsy of a lymph node behind his esophagus and he was there diagnosed with a slow growing cancer in the lymph node just behind his right lung. This was in August of 2010. He was cared for by a terrific oncolologist, that created a protocol of treatment and an outline for my Dad's care. My Dad's wife was extremely angry, abusive and rude to the doctors and staff at M.D. Anderson. She verbally berated the doctor and his nurses and made several public scenes. We did not understand this behavior at all because my Dad seemed relaxed and relieved having good care and a diagnosis.

My Stepmother refused to let my father have his treatment at MD Anderson and took him to a quack oncologist. This was closer for her and she stated she did not want to be inconvenienced amongst other nasty, too numerous to mention remarks.

This Dr. disregarded the nutritional advice and the protocols set forth by M.D. Anderson and told my Dad that he could eat anything he wanted during his chemo treatments.
Dr. Quack experimented with two different chemos on my Dad and when they both failed to produce results, he discussed the options of either a private physician or a hospice care alternative for my Dad, she requested hospice.
Dr. Quack released him and never called to check on my Dad since and My Dad told me that he never saw a pet scan after his last chemo treatment. The medical records from this Oncologists office are very poorly written, have inaccuracies and do not reflect any accurate medical history on my father.

At present, my Dad's wife is withholding all medical care, with the exception of Hospice, she is isolating him, she has canceled each and every one of his doctor's appointments. She refuses to allow any of us daughters to take him to a real doctor. He is being overdosed on morphine daily at her hands at her discretion with orders only stemming from the hospice nurses.

The narcotics are delivered to her front door whenever she asks for it.

My Dad has never ever met or been assessed by a single one of the Hospice physician who is monitoring his hospice care services and prescribing the medications to him. I find this to be highly unethical.

IMPORTANT!

In December 2010 the hospice nurses took him off of all of the pain medicine he had been on for several months and reissued him a different and stronger pain medication which sent him into a rage of hallucinations and after 3 attempts to kill himself by going through glass doors, and 4 frantic calls to Hospice, an ambulance arrived and took him to a hospital, this drug overdose caused him to go into a comatose state. He also experienced painful chronic withdrawals and at the same time experiencing a chronic overdose and it put him in a comatose state, he was hospitalized for 3 days. The hospice nurse provided no information to prior to my Dad's arrival, my Dad had a portacath and yet they used an intravenous IV in his arm which broke though his veins and filled his arm with fluid.
my Dad’s wife told me I could come see my Dad as she thought he was on his final death bed. I was in Hawaii on business and raced back to be with him. This was the first time she had allowed me to see my father since August.

Even after the overdose that Hospice was totally responsible for did any doctor from Hospice even make an attempt to make him an appointment or even try to see him. It's the most highly unethical form of mal-practice I have ever witnessed. I will forever be tragically affected and scarred by this malpractice as I deeply love my father and care for his well-being.

When he finally revived, the doctor at the hospital, did scans on my father and said that my Dad showed no signs of metastasizing cancer in his lungs or in his abdomen and that his overall state was very good and that his best advice was to get him into a nursing home and get his nutrition built back up. The hospice nurse came in, text messaging on her cell phone, smacking her gum and talking about how Dad is going to die out loud with his room packed full of people and consistently verbalizing the word "terminal" over and over. I politely asked the nurse to quit using that word and the hospice nurse and my step mother stepped out of the room to hold a private conversation, when they returned she refused to allow him to go to a nursing home and took him back home under her control.

This hospital visit was the first time that his wife had allowed me to see my Dad since he left our side at MD Anderson in August. When I would call, my step mother would hang up on us and would let none of us know his condition. She has one cell phone and it is hers.

I finally begged my stepmother to let me help him, see him, since that time in December I have been working very hard to get him nutritionally built up, and I have spent thousands of dollars on nutritional supplements and had my own doctoral advice on everything related to his health and a protocol called Cellect/Budwig a nutritional way to revive cancer patients. Despite stepmother's negativity towards the protocol, I got my Dad to eat, he began to have bowel movements and my Dad has responded greatly to the nutritional protocol that I have given him. His color improved and he has started to rebound from the nutrition he has been receiving. Once I leave their home, I realize that she would most likely not continue with the nutrition.

I am financially able to help my Dad with anything he needs. I have offered to get her some help, hire a real nurse, a nurses aid, a housekeeper and she absolutely refuses. I now realize she is abusing him and therefore wants no interference from anyone other than the Hospice nurses who are supplying the drugs and Morphine. I have witnessed her waking my Dad up to give him morphine when he was peacefully sleeping.

On January 17th, 2011, I got an email from a doctor's office where I was to take my father to get his blood work done, they called me stating that my step mother had canceled my Dad’s doctor’s appointment so that I could get his blood work done. She canceled it this morning without even telling me; she did not even have the courtesy to call me to tell me she had canceled it. The doctor's office emailed me to tell me.

The reason that she won't take my Dad to a doctor is because she and Hospice have morphined my Dad to death and she wants no one to find out about it.
This is why she has refused to let me get them help, hire a nurse or anything else.
She has legally found a loop hole to kill my father!

Advice???????

medi_2's picture
medi_2
Posts: 506
Joined: Aug 2009

You are so right Rose! There are laws that protect the elderly and the sick and abused. These are the same laws that protect children. Please contact someone; it sounds like your Dad might live alot longer if he wasn't treated that way. And make sure he knows that he will not be alone!
Good Luck!
Medi

JohnBinDC's picture
JohnBinDC
Posts: 91
Joined: Nov 2010

As Rose said, each state has offices where you can report caretaker abuse or fraud. For Texas, please folow this link:

http://www.ehow.com/info_7746545_do-report-caretaker-fraud-texas.html

Realizng that you may not reside in Texas, please google the office for your state or let us know what state and we will help find the office.

I have no idea if the laws in your state would consider this abuse, but in my personal view, it most certainly fits.

I wish you the very best in getting your dad the best possible care so he may continue to live a confortable life with the love of his daughters and others around him.

Best wishes and may God provide you some comfort and direction.

John

LSpriggs
Posts: 4
Joined: Dec 2010

I have turned her into Adult Protective Services and I know it really hurt my Dad when they showed up but I needed it to be documented.
I'm hiring a lawyer and going for it! But here is the deal can blood work show morphine abuse?

LSpriggs
Posts: 4
Joined: Dec 2010

The doctor that is prescribing all the pain meds is from a clinic that saw my Dad 7/23/09

mamacita5's picture
mamacita5
Posts: 254
Joined: May 2010

You were right to turn her in. I think the hospice worker, and perhaps the company should be reported as well. Who referred your step "mom" to the particular hospice you are dealing with? From the sounds of it he does not need hospice, he needs the proper care so that he can RECOVER from what is being done to him. I think a lawyer is just the ticket. I wish you the best of luck in saving your father.

jason.frazzano
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2011

My father was murdered in much the same way. Here is the legal remedy you should apply. Most people in the family courts will take a laissez fare approach to your complaints: do not question yourself, insist, and present a persuasive and objective case (leave out doctor quack nonsense).

You need an attorney who specializes in guardianship of vulnerable adults. If your father is unhappy with his care, take him to his probate attorney and prepare and have him sign a shift of medical power of attorney as well as end of life documents stating his desire to remain alive (this can still be thwarted by the wife, but it will take effort and court dates).

As long as your dad is legally mentally competent, its a super low bar. With medical poa in hand, apply for the guardianship and sue for loss of companionship and abuse of a vulnerable adult, this should effectuate your needs. My father's wife, against judges orders, took my father in secret to a hospice on his birthday, two days before our guardianship hearing (where judge had stated that if dad were not presented he would grant automatic guardianship to my sister and me) and overdosed him on morphine and valium. No other cause of death, according to autopsy. Dont let this happen to you. Save your father's life. Also go to your congressman if you live in state, and approach republican right to lifers regardless of your political stripe. As long as your dad can say he wants to live and wants to see you (my dad repeatedly said both)... you have weapons.

Good luck.... the pain of watching a hospice murder is really unbearable... dont let it happen to you too.

cdambros
Posts: 5
Joined: Oct 2010

morphine quantities can be detected in blood but to better tell how much you need a hair sample analysis. Also it is a misconception that the wife has all power over her husband...unless he signed a document making her his "healthcare representative" you still have input. What does your father think is happening? If he is remotely alert he has say and can sign this healthcare representative document and appoint anyone his representative. Wifey can be completely out of it. Get the lawyer, get an emergency hearing and get him into your home. You have more rights than you know! Good Luck!

lee1963
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2012

My Dad went to stay with my mother against his attorney, judge and me. They insisted it was not safe to stay with my Mom but my Dad insisted it was his house and his dog. My Dad and Mom had been separated and all during their marriage it was constant fighting. My mother said she wanted my father dead and no one did anything. I went to social services, hospice and the law no one could believe that a sweet grandmother could try to overdose her husband until it was too late.

It seems that perception is that an older lady could not possibly dream up murdering her husband or overdosing him or hurting anyone else because they are a grandmother but you have I can sympathize with you about your feelings with your Mom because my Mom did keep her promise and did kill and overdose my Dad. He also had a huge bruise on his head and my Mom said when he died he tried to get out of bed. Only God knows the entire story.

Dad didn't even last about 1 month. Mom did all his meds and kept giving him some kind of pain drops called oxy something and Dad told the Hospice nurse Tara that for her not to give him anymore of those because Dad said it made it hard to breathe. I was there helping to take care of my Dad in his final days. I had repeatedly asked Hospice to remove my Dad to the hospital or nursing home because my Mom was so hateful and wasn't even feeding him. But they didn't.

I was sitting with my Dad the day before he died. I asked him if he was hungry and he said yes. So I made him some soup and sandwich and he ate it all and drank a full cup of coffee. My Mom said she wasn't feeding him because he couldn't eat. I gave Dad his teeth and he ate like a little pig! When Tara the Hospice Manager came to see Dad for his checkup that day I was around the bed with her and my Mom. I asked her how long Dad had and she said he was starting to get a little better and maybe at least a few months. My mother made a terrible face and I just looked at her. I will never forget how terrible she was to him.

My brother didn't help take care of my Dad because he said he couldn't handle it, my sister was too busy spending all my dad's money on trips and she was always out of town. My Dad had lung cancer really bad.

I was always there to help my Dad through whatever he needed seems like no one else ever was.

The night I left Dad's I was going home and I said Daddy I will be back in the morning bright and early because I am going to sit with you while Mom runs errands ok? And he looked at me the strangest way. I patted hand and hugged himm and said I love you Daddy I will see you in the morning. That night my mother called me and said Dad died at 10:30 pm. She said my sister had just returned to her home nearby and she called my sister and told her to get over there and see my Dad he would be dead in 15 minutes. How in the world did my mother know that? My mother never called me till later after my Dad was gone.

I talked to Dad's attorney's and the Judge and they told me there was only circumstantial evidence that my Mom killed my Dad and that putting an 80 year old in jail would serve no purpose. I didn't know what to think.

Knowing what happened to my Dad now I wish that very afternoon I had put him in my car and left with him to the hospital.

My mother soon afterwards started hearing voices and soon afterwards came to live with us. She poisoned my Dad's dog we have proof from the vet but no one did anything then either. Then we found out she had been giving my Dad rat poison for a long time and no one did anything then.

She bankrupted us financially and my husband never lets me forget that how much he hates my mother and my family.

My mother got into trouble with my family when she moved out of our guest house and to Florida and asked me to come and get her and move her up with us. Same thing happened again she financially devestated us again and caused all kinds of problems with our neighbors and the family. Then I finally got her admitted to a psychiatric hospital where they said she was mentally incompetent and has a mood disorder and dementia.

She constantly tries to get out of the dementia ward and has been through 4 nursing homes telling lies and then when they find out it has caused so much harm. I have tried to take care of my Mom myself but I am not equipped. The last time she got booted out of the nursing home for bad behavior she looked at my husband and I and said she had told a relative where exactly to find her because my husband and I might be found dead the next morning. I looked at my my husband and immediately called the hospital and doctor. Thank God the doctor put her back in the hospital and a new nursing home.

I believe in God with all my heart. I cannot believe that my Mom did this but there is so much proof. And then when I started standing up to her setting boundaries I found the same poison in her train case in her room I found out she gave my Dad and that was the rat poison I found out she was putting in my food and milk. I got so sick and my stomach hurt so bad and I couldn't even hardly walk I was so weak and didn't feel good.

My husband is very abusive and I am in the process of trying to move back home to GA with very little money. I have 8 doggies, 2 dairy cows, 6 horses, 4 minis, 2 donkeys and chickens that are totally dependent on me.

I would say if you think even the slightest that your Dad is being overdosed by your mother take him to the nearest hospital asap. I wish I had done that with Daddy.

The one thing I treasure out of all of this horrible ordeal is that my Dad looked at me the night I left him and said I love you and I said I love you too Daddy. No one can ever take that away from me. My sister and brother never changed my Dad's diapers or helped.

I hoped my story somehow will help you. No one would help me when I reported about Dad until it was too late. After we have lost someone to cancer we still remember them in our hearts no one can take that away but also I know that someone like my mother that hated my father so much is capable of anything and to listen to your instincts and heart to protect your Dad. I am hoping to find the peace of God that will heal my heart through my animals I dearly love. Their love is unconditional. I took care of my Dad, Mom, AUnt, sister and brother and that God knows the truth and will take care of things according to his will. I am now very different material things mean nothing to me, my friends, my animals and God mean the world. I am going to try to find enough funds to move back home and start all over.

I pray for you peace and hope you will find someone to help you. Please know that you are not alone for I experienced the same thing with my mother overdosing my Dad and they didn't do anything either.

God Bless You.

Lee

Rosi's picture
Rosi
Posts: 69
Joined: Dec 2009

When I read you letter, I remember when my husband was in hospice I had the experience with those women they call then selfs nurses they are killers. Everytime they come to see my husband they will take the vital signs and see if he was dying, there were monsters, and my insurance was paying for hospice care $ 5,ooo.oo a month. My poor husband, one day this nurse told him: "when you pass."
Many people they do not know about hospice care. If you don`t like the hospice you can change the same day to another. You stepmother is a witch she needs to stay far from you father and do it now. I will pray for you and your Dad.....Now.. I am alone my dear husband is in heaven.

emmaVI
Posts: 1
Joined: Aug 2012

Reading your story brings back the nightmare that I suffered with my stepmother (age 72) and her eventual killing of my dad (age 79) with morphine. Trust your instincts!!! I cannot encourage you enough to do whatever you can to get him out, to get him away from her. It was 6 years ago that my dad died. It took her 4 weeks from the day he was diagnosed with cancer until the day he died from congestive heart failure - not cancer. I thought I was going crazy - The worst part is he died in my arms. I was traumatized for the next 5 years and had to seek counseling to get over the grief and guilt that I suffered from not taking action sooner. I went to the DA and was told "he was going to die anyway. Trust me, she did him a favor". My story didn't end with my dad's death. She remarried 10 months later to another man (age 80). In less than two years, she was a widow again after he was diagnosed with cancer and quickly died - not of cancer, but of congestive heart failure (morphine). As far as I'm concerned she got away with murder...I will never forgive her for what she did, but I had to forgive her the best I can in order to get my life back.

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