Jan 20, 2011 - 9:57 am
What is it with me? I've tried so hard not to count days. I didn't count time after my love's dx until I began to sense that we were nearing the end of our time together. And I told myself not to count anymore since he passed.
But here I am today, marking the one month anniversary of his death! At times I feel that the counting of days is more about my survival without him. That I have "made" it this long.
Good thing I have an appointment with my therapist today! Months ago I would see the thread here for "surviving caregivers" and wonder about that title. Did it mean that we outlived our loved one that had cancer? Did it mean that we were "surviving" in spite of the Beast that had attacked our loved one? Or did it mean that we were left to pick up the pieces after their passing and we were hanging in there?
As I write this, I think it meant all of this and more, that I have yet to experience or feel, as I navigate this new journey. For months, I defined myself as a "caregiver", now what am I, who am I? I am not only grieving the loss of my love, but the loss of myself with him. The couple we were. Even how others saw us. The loss of me.
My mission, should I decide to accept it is to: Redefine myself. Search for who I want to be. See myself as who I am now. Look inside myself and see if I am capable of planning an "adventure" with just me as the lead character. It won't be easy, this I know.
Thinking of you all that have come to this time in your lives, and praying and wishing for all the best in your lives.