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Those last awful days

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Please tell me that after a while I will be able to bring to mind all of the wonderful things about my time with Mike instead of the endless loop of the last awful days. It's almost like PTSD flashbacks. He's only been gone since the 14th, so I'm not expecting miracles this soon, but I'm hoping that after a time the pleasant memories will be the ones that I think of first.
Penny

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Penny,

Almost one month has passed since I lost Dennis. Yesterday I woke up thinking about a song he loved and sang to me in the mornings throughout the past few years. It's called "Good morning, Beautiful" and many mornings I would open my eyes to find him looking at me and smiling! Then he would sing a few lines of the song. I managed to make it through the entire day without crying. I managed to accomplish some important legal and financial matters without feeling overwhelmed and alone. I won't kid you, I did have the many moments when I keep feeling that feeling of expectation that soon I will be with him again and I will share with him all that I've been doing and him telling me how proud he is of me. As I said, this is a feeling, not a reality that I think is possible. Remember how the excitement built in you when it was time for Mike to come home from work, a business trip or being gone for one reason or another? Or waiting for his call to see how you were and tell you that he loved you? I still get those, and when I once again, accept that this is not going to happen, it hurts. Sometimes it is enough to make me really cry, others a sadness and numbness comes over me. Crying isn't so bad, it feels cleansing.
You witnessed so much, that it can very well feel like PTSD. You were in a war. You are injured and will require care and support. I will be praying for you, for your healing. For protection over you.
You mentioned on another thread about being home and scouring the house for something. You know, about 3 days after Dennis passed, I too went in search of. I really can't tell you what exactly, but I searched. I found a business card of Carriage rides that he had taken me on during the holidays a few years ago! Found a receipt from an Anniversary dinner where the waitress had written "happy anniversary" on! Instead of making my cry, it made me smile. For me, looking for anything, something, that could remind me of life before the cancer, life before his death was a need.
That you have come here to seek and give support is a sign that you are going to be ok. Be patient with yourself. I have found that some days are harder than others, but I continue to ask the Lord to love and hold me through this time.

God bless you,

Lucy

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Penny,
I went to a support group last night and said that I couldn't remember when my husband was not sick. It was 15 months from time of diagnosis until he passed away. The conselor assured me that the time would come when I would remember all the good memories and the bad ones would be pushed away. He died 7 months ago. I believe we are all suffering from some level of PTSD. Time is the key. I guess we just have to give it time.
Becky

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I had not come here in awhile and so had not known that you had lost Mike. Time does help. Doug has be gone for 16 months today. Yes, I still count the months on the 20th of each month. Yet, I am doing better. Early on I made a point of thinking about the good memories. I am fortunate in having a family that is able to talk about the good times. We often share those memories. I still have the bad times, too, when a memory, either good or not so good, will hit me and the tears come. I cringed every time I learn of someone else with cancer.

You are just beginning your time of grief. Grief really is a process. It's hard work, too. Learning to continue when you have lost so much is a series of baby steps, not always forward. Sometimes we have to fall back and regroup. Sometimes we just have to get through this day, hour or minute. I agree that in many ways we are suffering from a form PTSD. Even knowing, and to a degree accepting, that our loved one is facing death, we can't really prepare for our loss. We have to live it.

I don't know if any of this helps. I won't tell you that time makes it all better. I will tell you that time makes it easier. For now, just hang in there. You may have thought that your roller coaster ride had ended, but it hasn't. Now you have to deal with your grief, your anger, your feelings. This is your grief. Only you can truly understand it. Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve or how long. Maybe you need to remember those terrible days in order to deal with them and move forward. Don't be afraid of getting help. Do what is right for you.

Prayers and hugs, Fay

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

It is definately a roller coaster ride....the ups and downs and insecurities make it hard to bear. I just got through the holidays I dreaded the most, thought about the new year, a new start and thought I was finally healing a little bit. But BOOM...it all came back again, only for a day or so, but I really thought I was heading back into the depths of depression like the first couple of months after he died. Now, I am bouncing back again, so I guess we just have to ride out this roller coaster whether we like it or not....it's the healing process and progress too. Gayle

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

Double post

ktlcs's picture
ktlcs
Posts: 360
Joined: Jan 2010

I don't want to discourage you but I am experiencing the same thing. It's been 6 months and my most vivid memories are of those last few days. It's not like PTSD it is PTSD or at least that is what my Dr has told me. I have found with meds and therapy I am beginning to notice that the memory is fading and I have begun little by little to remember more of the good times than the obsession I had with that last week.

Time does help, but do see someone, I never thought I would, but it has helped me quite a bit

((Hugs))

Kathy

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

I too felt I was doing a little better, but around the 6/7 month anniversary of his passing I really went into a slump. I went back on meds and feel like I am just starting to rebound. It truly is a roller coaster of emotions this grieving process.
Becky

MissTodd's picture
MissTodd
Posts: 28
Joined: Jan 2011

Thank you to all and everyone, first off. I read everyones posts and I think "I'm not alone." I know that this horrible thing didn't just happen to me and my husband. I feel like, (I'm sure everyone else does), that I am alone in this. I hate the fact that I know what this feels like, but to know that more people feel the pain I feel is sad. Cancer sucks!
It was like a train that hit me when I wasn't looking. I stopped sleeping, again. Didn't go to the store. I didn't want to do anything. I went to work because I had to. Finally went to the Dr. I never thought I would have to take meds just to feel some sort of "normal" again.. Mind you, I'm not there yet, but it is helping me.
I know all about the last memories.. When I sit back and the "bad" memories hit I have to force myself to think about other times. Feb. 13th we would have been married 7 years. 3 &1/2 of those years my husband was fighting this diseases.
Thank you for reading..
Hope... Amy

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

Cancer does suck!!!! It hurts knowing that so many people go through similar horrific situations, but also helps to know we are not alone. I agree Amy "it was like a train hit me when I wasn't looking". I keep picturing my dad in those final days - I am trying to remember even the positive moments in those last few days, and of course the 28 years I had with my dad. I don't know when I will feel normal again - I go back to work tomorrow (I took some extra time), and I know it will be a chore just to get up and go. I have to force myself to think of the other times, too - not just the cancer, not just the end. There is a lot of life, memories, and love - before the cancer and during the cancer, and I need to think of the wonderful memories. I know that is what my dad would want.

My prayers are with all of you.

Hugs and warmth,

Lauren

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

Penny, we are just a few days apart with our husbands' deaths. I am also struggling with the bad memories as opposed to the good ones. Every time that I walk into my bathroom, the horrible visions from that bloody night are there. I try to just shut my eyes and push the thoughts out. But sometimes i actually let the scene play out. I'm not sure which is the better way to handle it but I seem to need both.
Do people keep asking you how you're doing? I never know how to respond to that. sometimes good...sometimes not so good. The bad thing is, you never know when one of those "moments" is going to hit. I thought i was doing pretty good today and was keeping busy. Ran into Target to pick up a prescription today and had to pass by the gretting card rack where all the Valentine cards are on display. I started crying thinking about that I didn't have to buy a Valentine card this year. Some things have gotten a little bettter. i went to the bank yesterday to set up the estate account and was able to explain what I needed without breaking down. So, I guess there will be little steps and victories along the way.
Hang in there.
Debbie

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Debbie,
People are calling me constantly to ask me how I'm doing. Sometimes I answer, sometimes I don't. I just can't stand saying "Okay I guess" one more time when I'm not okay. Or, like you, I could be feeling just fine right now, and two minutes from now, BAM! I'm a crying, snotty mess.

One of my girlfriends called this morning, a couple of girls are going over to her house to watch Black Swan, and she invited me. I don't want to go. But I spent the whole day yesterday eating and watching reality TV--Only got dressed to run to the store for more cigarettes--so I HAVE to get out of the house. I called her back before I could chicken out and told her I was coming over.

Hopefully I'll be able to be myself around them, and won't get that "bug under a microscope" feeling as they all wait to see if I'm going to cry or something if some one says the word "cancer", "hospital", or "Mike" around me LOL. They are trying, really, and so am I. But it's hard, this new "new normal".
Penny

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

I agree that it really is a tough thing to go through. Mike's Birthday is today and he would have been 55 (missed his fourth milestone by 2 weeks). Normally, we would have Ski Patrolled together yesterday and then I would have surprised him in the Patrol room at the end of the day with a cake with his friends and family. And then we would have all partied together for several hours. Instead, I Patrolled with his best friend and my niece and nephew and many of our friends/Ski Patrol family. The good news is that we did have some great laughs remembering some of the happy and funny times we had with Mike.

As Debbie notes, small steps and victories along our journey.

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