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A Different Kind of Post

Cindy54's picture
Cindy54
Posts: 454
Joined: Aug 2006

Hi Friends, This is not a cancer related post, but at the moment I did not know where else to go. This morning, on my way to work at 3 am, I passed a car accident. A young man had hit a telephone pole and landed in the opposite lane facing traffic. I passed by, turned around, and went back. My little voice kept saying to go back. He was awake and on his cell phone. I asked if he needed help..no, help was on the way. Was he okay...yes. Another car pulled up with two young men. I said the man in the wreck told me he was okay. We both left. As I was driving away I listened for sirens or looked for police. I saw noe. At no time did I even have that urging to do anything else for him. I did think that because his headlights were not on, someone might not see him while driving up in that lane. Well, I got to work..I work in a hospital..and an hour later they brought in a trauma case. Yes it was the young man. I went to the ER and the nurse told me he had been hit head on by another car. His father had been talking with him and I beleive, coming to get him at the time. Another car was driving in that lane and hit him head on after I left. The woman simply did not see him. The young man was killed by trauma to his heart.

I have been haunted with the thoughts of what if...if I had only stayed and left my car lights on. If I had called 911 also. Maybe this young man would still be alive.

The young man was 25. A veteren who had served in Iraq and was newly married.

My heart is broken over this. And after all that has happened to me these past 4 years, it pales in comparision to this. I could have prevented this accident if I had only stayed there. MAy God forgive me for this. Thank you all for listening. Cindy

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

OMG I am so sorry you had to experience this horrific accident. Cindy, that's what it was - an accident. It was not your fault. I understand why you might feel as you do but please listen - it wasn't your fault. You stopped when you saw him on the highway, many wouldn't have even done that. You asked him if he was okay and he said he was and what could you have done differently if someone assures you they are fine? He made the choice to stay there and after you left the fates took over and it would have happened anyway Cindy, it was meant to be.

Please do not put yourself through this after all you have been through and all you are still dealing with. You do not need this extra stress.

The young man was talking to his father on the phone and his father could have given him other instructions too you know and it was just simply not all in your hands as to what happened, none of it was. You hanppened on a very difficult situation that you had no knowledge of, you did not have all the facts and you were not responsible in any way shape or form.

I understand why you feel as you do but please think about what I am saying. Do you have a counsellor that you see at times for your own personal situation? If you do then it might be wise to go and see that counsellor if this continues to haunt you, sooner rather than later, it's not good for you to take on more stress than you have to. If you don't have a good counsellor please think about seeking one out just to get you through this.

Please keep me posted with how you are doing. Oh Cindy I am so sorry this has happened.
Sigh.

God Bless Cindy, hugs

You are in my prayers,
Bluerose

Noellesmom
Posts: 1306
Joined: Aug 2010

Dearest Cindy, it is called an "accident" for a reason.

While I know I cannot possibly know what you are feeling, I do know God was there at the scene of that accident because He is everywhere.

Some things are simply out of our hands.

It will be little comfort, I am sure, to have you recognize you did more than others might by simply going back to the accident but try to acknowledge that. Given that the young man said help was on the way and two others went away with that knowledge, I don't even know if there was any more that could have been done.

Cindy, please take care of yourself right now. I am thinking the hospital where you work will have counseling services available to you - please call them today. Do not wait. You need help processing through your feelings.

And this is a good place to come. Please let us know how you are doing.

Hugs.

believeit 2011
Posts: 39
Joined: Dec 2010

Cindy, I'm very sorry you had to go through this sad event. The truth is, you did what was right. This young man may have seen other cars go by and thought no one cares. You showed another human being that people do care. I bet when you left him you felt good about your effort to help and I'm sure he felt good as well. Whatever happened afterward should not change the fact that you gave another person comfort as you tried to help someone in need. You couldn't know how it would play out, no one could foresee all the possible scenarios. Even if you couldn't stop and you wished you had, the intent is all anyone can ask. You could have been injured or killed yourself if you stayed there with him. Don't beat yourself up over this. Unfortunate things happen every second of the day and we can only go on living life as best we can without looking back saying "what if". I believe people come into our lives for a reason and they leave for a reason too. If you are still distraught after a while, look deeper into this, maybe into his family, there may be a reason you were the last person to interact with him. Maybe after seeing war he needed to see compassion from a stranger and you were chosen for this. Events, people or things are not always how they appear on the surface, sometimes you have to look deeper to see the truth. That is how I see things. I always look for the good in even a terrible situation. I know this is difficult now but give it some time, ask yourself and God if you did any wrong in this instance and I believe you'll get the same answer you are seeing here. You did good Cindy...
Please take care, Chris

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1616
Joined: Aug 2009

I am a firm believer in God's love and Grace. He has already forgiven you for whatever you think you might have done or didn't do. Now you must forgive yourself. You did the best you thought you could do at the time. We are so much harder on ourselves than God is. Perhaps your staying might have made a difference. You will never really know. Perhaps, it was this young man's time to go. Again you will never know. Hindsight is often better than foresight. In the future, when faced with a decision, you will apply what you have learned here and possibly act in a different way. For now, forgive yourself and continue to be the caring person you are. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be hurting. Fay

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

Cindy I sent you a private message and not sure you got it and haven't seen you responding on this site so really hope you are alright. Maybe you are just doing alot of shifts at work or something.

If you get a chance to even let us know in just a few words how you are doing with all of this I know we would all appreciate it. I am concerned about you.

Hugs,
Bluerose

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Cindy,

There is nothing more "insane-making" than playing the "what if? game". "What if my doctor had discovered my malignancy earlier? What if my parents didn't smoke? What if I hadn't lost my job and group health coverage? What if my spouse didn't leave or had been more supportive? What if medical science had discovered a universal cancer cure? It can be maddening, and, believe me, this thought went through my mind a thousand times after finding my younger brother on the end of an electric cord back in 1994 (What if I had called him more often? What if I had given him money? What if I had been a better brother?, etc., the guilt still lingers. However, I have learned not to ask myself the question, if for nothing else, to preserve my own peace of mind.

What if you just stop beating yourself up over this and say, "S--t happens!"

Love, Courage, and Peace of Mind!

Rick

Cindy54's picture
Cindy54
Posts: 454
Joined: Aug 2006

For rvryone...thank you all for your kind words. There have been moments when I am okay, and moments when I am beyond words. I even find myself getting angry over little things. My boss at work has heard about what happened to me. She called me aside and gave me information about free counseling that they have for employes who have any kind of problem. It is confidential and does not affect you employment. I have scheduled an appointment for this Tuesday afternoon, one of my days off.

In thinking about the whys of this happening, maybe this is the push I have needed to ask for help. In these past 4 years I have not reached out to really ask for help of any kind. I am so used to managing things. Well, emotionally and financially it has been a huge struggle. I have been in survivor mode not thriver mode. I do very little for myself. I juggle bills and money and doctor things, and the stress is unbelievable at times. I tell everyone that I am okay and put a smile on my face. While inside, I am not. I was a caregiver for almost all of my adult life. I was so used to being responsible that the one I forgot to take care of was me. I feel so blessed to have been given a chance after 3 cancers, that I am never saying no to anything because I feel I owe so much just for being alive.When this young passed, I felt like it was a chance to save someone that i missed. If that makes sense. Having no family left, I feel lost most of the time...like I am alone on this earth. I do have friends. But no one that I check in daily with.So there has really been no one who understands just what I am feeling or how deeply I am feeling.

I will keep you all posted on things. Thank you all so much for caring. Hugs, Cindy

PS...The girl who hit this young man is 24 and actually works at the same hospital I do. She was on her way home after working until 3 am. And she used to work in the same department that I do.

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

Thank you so much for taking the time to update us. I know we were all worried about you when we hadn't heard from you for what seemed like a long time since this horrible thing happened to you.

I am so glad you are seeing that counsellor, that will be your ticket to being able to move on sooner from the trauma. She/he will tell you what to watch for and be able to help you I'm sure.

Being on this site I'm sure you realize by now that you are no longer alone in how you are feeling about the whole cancer experience as many of us have been and might still be where you are with it all. I have a big issue with the topic you raise about putting on that smiling face for everyone. I know it's a natural thing to do and I do it too, just to survive in the world we have to bury our true feelings just to get by and not everyone wants to hear about our issues that's true. However there is a fine line. We have to get out our true feelings to someone who understands and can validate and support us. This site does that for many many people because we have all been there and totally understand where you are coming from.

With the help of those on this site, if you would like to continue to post here, and your new counsellor I am sure you can begin to really take care of the one person you need to really focus on, for a change, YOU.

So glad you posted the update. Take care, I know you will be fine now.

Hugs,

Bluerose

Noellesmom
Posts: 1306
Joined: Aug 2010

Again, God works in mysterious ways.

I hope you use the therapist/counselor services to their fullest advantage and use this as a growth and healing opportunity.

Let us know how it goes - many people on this site want to know how others feel about therapists and counselors - you can advise them how it works for you.

Hugs!

Cindy54's picture
Cindy54
Posts: 454
Joined: Aug 2006

Hello again friends.....I have had my second session with a counselor and it is going well. I have been blessed with a man who listens very well, lets me talk, is encouraging and does not make me feel like I am a crazy person for the way I feel.

We have talked not only about the accident, but about the last few years of my life with all the cancer and things that have happened. He has said that much of what I am experiencing is survivor guilt. As so many people in my life keep dying of cancer or accidents or heart failure, I have started to question why I am here and not them. He said this is a perfectly normal reaction. We have also discussed wayss to balance my life. Because there has been so much grief and tears, I am needing to find something to enjoy doing. Maybe something that I used to do that gave me joy. He has asked a lot of questions. When was the last time I was truly happy, what do/did I enjoy doing before the cancer. He has suggested many things to try that do not cost a lot of money to do. He has said that I am on a healing path, I am taking small steps but moving forward. He appreciates my compassion for people and situations. He is very encouraging.

He also was surprised that I had not received any kind of counseling at all during these past years. I have been given an assignment to pick a few things that I would really like to do in my life and to write down a few of the steps it will take to do them. I am still in survivor mode, he feels. He acknowledges a lot of what I have been through, not in a demeaning or minimizing way. In fact, he shares my spiritual beliefs, so I got very lucky there. When I mention that I feel I have been in these situations for a reason, but I don't understand what God wants me to do with them, he does not talk around it or away from it or make me feel like I am a crazy person for the way I believe. Together we are trying to come up with things that will put me back to living, not just surviving.

All in all, I am doing well with this. And very glad that I went to see a counselor. If it had not been for this accident, I would never had ended up talking to a counselor. So something good has come out of it. I still do not drive that road. I still think of that young man often, especially at night or when I am driving into work in the mornings. My head has realized that this was an accident that happened. My heart still has a ways to go.

Thank you all for listening and for your support. I love you all. Hugs, Cindy

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

Oh I am so glad and relieved that all is going so well with the counsellor. He sounds like a real gem. I am also glad to hear that you are doing well in all of what you have been through and sounds like a great plan that the counsellor has with you in exploring all aspects of your life past and present, future too.

I can't be happier for you Cindy, you have done a great thing for yourself in seeking out this counsellor. I feel it is going to be fine now for you with his help.

Proud of you Cindy.

Take care,

Bluerose

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Cindy,

I went through a very dark period following the suicide of my brother, until I sought help through both individual counseling and a support group for families of suicide victims. They helped me put things in perspective and go on with my life. I am glad to hear that you are going on with yours.

Love, Courage, and Peace of Mind

Rick

MCKMNL
Posts: 40
Joined: Jan 2011

what you heart must be feeling, this is just an swful, awful thing to have happen. I wish I had the right words to ease you mind,but it sounds like you did eveything you could. If you had stayed, and even though your lights were on, you may have been killed as well. I know this is ALOT easier said then done, please try not to beat yourself up over what if's, those what if's are nasty on our soul. You did the right thing, and what you could at the time. sending you loads of hugs.
missy

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