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Awake since 5 am

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Even with the Ambien I take, I find myself waking up around 5 am every morning. A few times I have been able to go back to sleep. My heart has decided that bedtime is the time for it to remember, to grieve. I usually pray and recall our life when I go to bed. And fall to sleep. Haven't had but 2-3 dreams since my love passed, and they really weren't about his passing or what we went through. Mornings, I have chosen to praise God for holding me through this time of sorrow, and ask Him to bless me and all that are in pain because of their loss, those that are fighting this Beast, those that may be coming to the end of their battle. I thank Him for the love of my family, friends and you all, that surrounds me with comfort and protection.

Almost 4 weeks since my love passed and I think I am beginning just now to relive the events of his last 2 days. Some moments are a blur as the exhaustion was immense. Reality has definitely begun to sink it's ugly teeth into me! I think it was easier to fight the cancer with him, than to fight the loneliness without him. At least then I had hope for his survival. I put all my love, all my prayers, all my hope, all my efforts in his care and survival. I suppose I might be drained at this time. I feel that I am at a loss for what to do with my life, now.

There is one glimmer of hope beginning to emerge. I come here daily and see that other dear ones are making it, one day at a time! Yes, I hear and feel your pain, also, but that you have it in you to comfort me, gives me that hope that one day I will be ok.

Thank you all,

Lucy

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi Lucy
I too take ambien but feel it is only good for about 5 hrs. Morning seems to be my most difficult time. I wake up 3AM, 4AM and cannot shut my mind off to go back to sleep. So much comes rushing back that time of day. You sound like you have incredible faith and I am sure that will help you through. This is so very hard and seven months later still unbelievable to me. Miss my husband everyday like my heart wants to break. Bless you and hang in there.
Becky

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Good Morning Lucy,
I was up yesterday at 4:00, today at 5:00. I'm very new to this but I'm glad to see that this pattern is not just me. I've spent the last few days constantly thinking "What am I missing? What am I forgetting?" and then I realize I'm just not used to having to go to the hospital every day. The reality that Mike is gone just hasn't sunk in yet. I think when I finally get to leave Richmond and go back home to Florida I'll begin to believe that this is all real.
Penny

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

I am sending hugs to you both! Reality, yes, my love has passed. Reality, I hurt so bad! Reality, my heart is broken! I don't like this reality thing.

Yes, my dear Penny, when you return home, you will feel his absence. My love passed at home, and although I feel his spirit here, I am constantly looking around for him. Some days I find myself waiting for his phone call or a text. Some days it feels as if he has been away on a trip and I am waiting for him to return. I suppose that is me, having a hard time accepting his death.

Dear Becky, what is time? Seven months, seven minutes without them hurts the same. You know, I had tried really hard not to count time after my love's diagnosis, as I felt I would end up using up precious time dwelling on how long we might have. Since he passed, once again, I've been trying really hard not to count the time that he has been gone. But, it is very difficult not to do. All I have to do is glance at the calender, make an appointment, and it comes to me. Last night I even counted by how many days we missed reaching our 30th Anniversary! For the record, 29 days. So I think, like you, in seven months my heart will still ache for him!

I will pray for us all that rest and peace come to us. That each day it hurts just a little bit less.

Lucy

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi Lucy,
I usually go to sleep, but end up waking up 2-3 times a nite. It's so quiet and I just lay there and remember how if I couldn't sleep, I'd wake Tom up and we'd talk. Now there's no one to talk to, so just lay there & think! I feel like I've done so much more than I thought I could though. Tom always did everything and even put gas in my car! So when he died I thought "how am I going to make it without him>", but I'm doing it. When we have no choice, we have to move on. And we just take one day at a time, & try not to look back. It's going to be a year in March, as I think I mentioned before and I am doing pretty good. I'll never get over missing him though cause we were also "best friends". Take care Lucy. There are so many of us who have recently lost our spouses and it's good to be able to come here and talk.
Keep in touch! If you want to PM me you can!! "Carole"

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

I take hope in your comment that you "are doing pretty good." I think I was doing okay and then I took a real tail-spin. So sad all the time. I just wonder if I am ever going to have happy times again. This is just miserable.
Becky

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