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There was never enough time...

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

For almost one year, I never had enough time for myself, while being My Love's caregiver. Now that he is gone I seem to have all the time in the world! And I struggle to find something to do to fill the hours. My family and friends say that I should take time to "take care of myself".

So tonight I decided to color my hair. The gray took over during the past few weeks! Darn it all, guess who used to do my "touch ups"? You guessed it, My Love! The list appears to be endless as to what I will be doing alone now.

I hope that everyone here can begin to see a rainbow one day soon. This blanket of sadness is getting overwhelming.

Thank you for "listening",

Lucy

Noellesmom
Posts: 1312
Joined: Aug 2010

for brighter, happier days, Lucy, very soon for you, I pray.

Remember Ecclesiastes - for everything there is a season.

Hugs.

sierrareef
Posts: 13
Joined: Jun 2006

My journey without my wife began in October of 2009. Many times over the past 15 months I've thought this has been the hardest part, but I see now that it's all hard. For so long I was the Jeff part of Jeff and Valinda - then I was the Jeff part of Jeff and Valinda, who has terminal cancer. Then I became Jeff, Valinda's widower. Now I'm working on just being Jeff - but it's been so hard for me to let go of Jeff and Valinda and move forward. I don't think this gets easier with time, I just think we get stronger - better able to bear our load. I wish you peace and happiness in your future, and strength for the journey that takes you there.

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

I was just talking to myself ( ! ) about the fact that all I longed for time to relax, time alone, quiet time, while Mike and I did the crazy air-lift-hospital-thing. Now there's nothing but time on my hands, and the stuff I could be doing, I have no interest in!

I've had hair color on my bathroom shelf for over a week now, got some serious roots going on, and I still havent done it. LOL
Penny

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Maybe the grief and bereavement department of Hospices should include "root touch-up" service for surviving spouses! Penny, if you can muster up the strength, do those roots. When I did, I felt better. Can't really say why it made me feel better, it just did.

Yes, Sierra, it was that way for my love and I. Dear family and friends are still catching themselves saying things like, " Dennis and Lucy's place". We were always together, and loved being so. Through my grieving, I've discovered that part of what I'm grieving is the "loss" of me. Me as Dennis' wife, dance partner, parent's to our children, and all the other many things that were my life.

So you are right about finding ourselves as an individual, now. Not something I look forward to doing quite yet, still working through acceptance and adaptation period. But I can sense that soon I will begin to explore the possibilities and take a good, long look at what I will do to be happy again in my life.

My prayers, hopes and best wishes for all that are going through these difficult times,

Lucy

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1622
Joined: Aug 2009

Each new step makes us feel stronger. There is never enough time and there are so many things we now need to do without our loved ones. I am continually finding new things. It is amazing how many things we did together. That is what I miss most, the companionship, the sharing. Little by little I do find it gets easier. I still get blind-sided every now and then when I least expect it. Take care everyone, Fay

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Fay,

You are right! So many things that continue to surface that my hubby was the one to do. I live in central Texas, and we have been experiencing several days of very cold and even snow, last night! A dear friend had come by a week ago and split wood for me. In all our years, the fire-building was my love's thing. I had to prepare, as we live in a rural area, and when temps dip so low, the power can go out for several hours. To assure warmth in that event, I brought in wood and kindling days before. Sure enough, power went out, but I was nice and warm, as I built my own fire, brewed coffee and poured it into an insulated thermos! And right again you are about the companionship. Gazing into the fireplace, sipping on hot coffee, I so wished that he was there next to me, snuggling!

Blind-sided! Wow! It has become less, but ooh, how I don't like that feeling! I'll be actually feeling positive, accomplishing something, and poof, just like that an image of his dying hours enters my mind. Or the thought, often thought out loud, " he really, really, really is gone"! Have to take a deep breath, pray for strength, and get busy distracting myself.

Hoping for better days to come, for you, for me, for all that have walked this path.

Lucy

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Thanks for posting the above string. Being new to this, this is helpful, as the companionship is what I so miss. The joking and laughing, the working together on a problem, together watching a really bad sci-fi movie on the scify channel, the sharing of the many moments with good family and friends we are fortunate to have........... And with no kids, it makes it worse I think.

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

I had to chuckle thinking of all of us with our grey roots showing. My husband would also help me when I was touching up my roots. I would always ask him to do that area at the top, back part of my head where I couldn't see or reach. I guess they'll be able to recognize us widows by the grey circle in back. LOL
His other duty was rubbing lotion at the top of my back between my shoulder blades (again, where I couldn't reach). I know he never liked the feel of lotion on his hands but he would do it anyway.

Lucy, I totally understand about those "blind-sided" moments. I was standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth the other day and out of nowhere it hits me..."sh%t, this death thing is really permanent, isn't it?" All of his medicines and stuff are still sitting around the bathroom and his slippers are still by the bedside so sometimes you think he will be back any moment.

I am so grateful for the friends that I have made on this board who can understand better than anyone what I am going through.
Debbie

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Penny,

How are you doing? I hope that you are feeling a little stronger with each day. Did you get to those roots done? Take care, dear one.

Lucy

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Got them done. Put make up on, today. Whoo hoo!

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1561
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Lucy and Penny
Thank you both for the smile! This is all too familiar to my mom and I. My dad will be gone one year on March 9th. My mom spent practically the whole month of December in the hospital due to bypass surgery and then back in the hospital again with fluid on her lung. That whole month, she did not have her hair properly shampooed, cut, or colored. Finally....yesterday...we both went to the hairdresser for the works! Hair shampooed, cut, colored, and eyebrows waxed. Ahhhhhh....feels sooo much better! Having this done does make you feel like a human again. Thanks for sharing! You are both doing well, keep up the good work. It does get easier. Remember when you look outside at night and see the stars, those stars are our loved ones looking down at us from heaven.:) Hugs to you both.
Tina in Va

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