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Just thinking out loud

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Its coming up on 9 months since I lost my husband to lung cancer.....
I have tried every option available to me to deal with this loss....the whole in my soul is vast. I made it though the holidays mostly by simply zoning myself out....moments of interest about the season but mostly wanting it to all just go away.
I have tried anti-depressants....hated the way they make me feel....been going to a berevement group..thought it was helping....but it wasn't...it simply gave me a day when I could go somewhere and sit in a room and openly grieve.....I don't want to go somewhere to grieve I want to stop and continue on as my husband would have wanted....Now I am a space where I think that if I just sit with the grief...some sort of clarity will emerge and the pain will lessen.
I had returned to work ( as a nurse ) but bombed.....too many triggers and zero confidence...not good for a nurse....so now I am un-employed again and that can't go on forever....there will come a time when I will be forced to return to work...I am scared !
The point of all this is....I am wondering if my emotional ties to this site are healthy....I came here in the beginning because I had a spouse with cancer....I was looking for others in the same boat....I felt comfortable here....after Bill died I came here and got emotional support...now its been 9 months and I still come here....hoping I think for something to jump off my monitor here and give me my own personal AH Ha moment...
Its clear that moving on for me is going to take some serious work and I wonder if I am hampering my efforts by remaining tied to this site ?
I never expected to be still having these issues after 9 months....
I am beyond confused.
Pat

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Pat!
God bless you friend. Yes, it is the 9 month mark for us too! We must keep keeping on. We have lots of things and people to live for. I just went through a month of living h-- with my mom. Bypass surgery, back in hospital with fluid on lung and heart, rehab, and now finally home. I do think that it is good for us to keep coming to this site. It helps us to help others. It helps us to get all of our feelings off our chests. It is like keeping a journal. Pat, it is only 9 months not 9 years, give yourself a break. Please reconsider leaving this site. I would so miss seeing you here. May God grant you the strength and peace you and all of us who have lost a loved one continue to need. Many hugs.
Tina in Va

Noellesmom
Posts: 1298
Joined: Aug 2010

when things are going well for Jim I seem to come to this site and become unnerved all over again. But when things aren't going well, the connection is invaluable.

Nine months is not very long - how long were you married, Pat?

I heard an older friend once say that she had been married forty years when her husband passed away. She said she decided that after forty months of grieving (a little less than 3 and 1/2 years) she felt ready to move on. Maybe there is something to be said for that. Although the grieving should lessen in intensity, why would we think we would be over a life-long love in just a few short months?

Some things we just can't be hurried about.

Hugs, Pat. Whatever you decide about this site, I wish you much happiness and joy as you go forward with this blessing called "life" and your ever sweet memories of your sweet Bill.

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi Pat,
I am heading towards the 7 month anniversary of my husband's death from brain cancer. I too have questionned whether I should be on these cancer websites as much as I am. I felt I was doing okay but in the past two weeks have slid backwards. It is so hard to love someone and have a life with them and then they are gone. Seven/nine months is a blink of an eye when you think of all the years we had with our spouses. This will get better. I know that because I have seen friends go through the death of a spouse. They struggled for a long time but they did get to a place where they could move on with their life and we will too.

As far as this site goes, that is a decision only you can make. You are in my thoughts.
Becky

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Pat,
You are having normal feelings. I didn't start coming to this site till after my husband died and still not sure how I found it. But you're right I think we are addicted but yet with all the support we get from everyone on here, I guess we just don't want to let go. It's going to be a year in March since I lost Tom. I still have moments when I cry and my counselor says that it'll go on for quite awhile. I knew him since 1st grade. And we went together since our senior year in high school. We'd be married 47 years on Feb. 8th. So it's not easy to return to normal life after someone you spent more than half your life with is gone.
I see a counselor and feel that it's helped me more than if I would've gone to a support group. I would think that listening to someone else tell their sad story would be depressing. Somehow it's different on this site though. Feel like everyone understands and there are so many going through this. Hope you just take it easy and maybe try and go out with friends and have a drink to help you relax. Carole

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Consider coming here, for the invaluable gift of your experience. Share with us what you have felt. In your sharing, you will be giving some of us a gift. In loving, you will be loved! By us, that have just started this new chapter of our lives. I lost my love of almost 30 yrs. and I suppose it will take more than a year to see my new life without him by my side.
Thank you,
Lucy

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi Pat, as you probably know I lost Doug over a year ago. I used to come a lot more often hoping I could help others while helping myself. I still come, but not as often. I was told and believe that it is the 7 to 9 or 10 months that are the hardest. That is when we start questioning ourselves. We think we should have begun to move on, but we don't think we have moved on enough. We think there is something wrong with us. Sound familiar? I know I went through that. Now I have accepted that grief has no timetable. I will continue to grieve as long as I need to do so. If coming here regularly, once in awhile, or never feels right, I will do that, too. I do find that there are days I need to reconnect. Other days I do other things. At first I was here daily often for a long time. Now, I may go for days or weeks without coming. Some days I just lurk. Other days I feel I want to share. Some, I know, have decided that coming here isn't working for them any more, and they stop. For each of us this is a personal choice. It doesn't have to be a permanent choice either. Do what is right for you. Fay

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Glad to read this posting. I am coming up on 7 months and I feel like I lost my husband just yesterday. Was doing okay, but have really been struggling past week or so. My counselor is strongly advising restarting some meds, which I am no happy with but will do. Hopefully will turn a corner soon. I don't expect to feel good, but would like to feel better.
Hugs to all.

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Welcome home Fay...everything thats been said here makes perfect sense....its just me and my feelings....I promised Bill I would be ok....now what that meant to him might be very different than how I meant it....but he knew the person I was and knew that I would be ok..problem is that I am way different now...Cancer and having the love of my life die...changed me ! I am no longer "happy go lucky"..."caution to the wind"...I am the grieving widow who watched her spouse die...I am different.
And so while I want to make good on the promise....I really do...I just don't want to cry any more....
I thought that I should be moving along better by now and thought that maybe this purposefull grief ( as my counselor calls it ) of coming here....might be counter productive...on the other hand what choice do I have....I need to know there is somewhere..where people truly understand the agony.
I met someone recently..a man..he asked me if I am dating yet????? thought about it for a bit and told him no I wasn't...and that more than likely I never would....I married once and it was magical....not a reason in the world for a do over. This is when I started to question my process...when people start asking those questions....it seems that the world thinks I should be getting out and rebuilding a life...and I am not ready.
Truth is I need this place...and the people here..guess I just needed to hear it !
Thanks Again...the quest continues.
Pat

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

I am coming up on my 5th month, I havent been to counseling or group lately cause of holidays and I feel fine. Like I am back to normal. I know this is only temporary and it will hit me all over again and I will suffer for it, but has anyone else had these periods of peace and happiness during the mourning process? It feels strange, but good too. However, I know I am not done grieveing...maybe it's the meds, maybe just glad I made it through the holidays. Maybe because I am fillin my time looking for a job. Who the hell knows??????

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

I have had a few periods of calm....its like taking a nice deep breath on a cold winters day.
I do know that I need to get out more....yeah job hunting...but mostly just out....
This whole thing just bites ! I want my old life back...the one I used to complain about ? yeah that one !

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Lilli,
I too have had the periods of peace & happiness. It started about 2 weeks before Christmas and it was like Tom was telling me I'd be okay and make it through the holidays. I did fine but then it hit me when I was taking down the Christmas decorations and I started crying all over again. Guess this is going to happen and we just have to take it as it comes. When you lose someone who you thought you'd spend your "golden years" (why the hell they call it that, I'll never know), it's hard to move on. Guess I've been spoiled and never had to work, so have been shopping alot. Not good!!! I have a friend whose husband died over 10 years ago and she's still living in their big house, and still misses him. It's still soon for all of us who have recently lost our loved ones. Okay, so now I'm rambling on, I'll quit.
Take care & remember "one day at a time"!! Carole

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Lilli,
I too have had the periods of peace & happiness. It started about 2 weeks before Christmas and it was like Tom was telling me I'd be okay and make it through the holidays. I did fine but then it hit me when I was taking down the Christmas decorations and I started crying all over again. Guess this is going to happen and we just have to take it as it comes. When you lose someone who you thought you'd spend your "golden years" (why the hell they call it that, I'll never know), it's hard to move on. Guess I've been spoiled and never had to work, so have been shopping alot. Not good!!! I have a friend whose husband died over 10 years ago and she's still living in their big house, and still misses him. It's still soon for all of us who have recently lost our loved ones. Okay, so now I'm rambling on, I'll quit.
Take care & remember "one day at a time"!! Carole

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