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I love my husband....but...

leesag's picture
leesag
Posts: 624
Joined: Jan 2010

Yes, he got me the keurig, he's a good man but here's a recent conversation...like 5 minutes ago...

Me: "It's almost a year...I'm scared."

Him: "Find your pills, when you're scared, my stomach hurts."

LOL... I couldn't help but laugh through my tears.

Why is it that my cancer ends up being all about him?

Hugs!

Leesa

Hissy_Fitz's picture
Hissy_Fitz
Posts: 1869
Joined: Sep 2009

It's a guy thing! My husband is just as bad. He tells me all the time how awful it would be for HIM if I were to die. Hello.....not exactly fun for me, either.

And it's sooooo hard to put on a properly sympathetic face when he's under the weather. I've had 13 straight months of chemo, a bowel obstruction, and 5 surgical procedures. He got up the other day with a temp of 101 and asked, "Should we call the doctor, or just go straight to the emergency room?"

Lord, give us strength!!

Carlene

zinaida's picture
zinaida
Posts: 220
Joined: Oct 2007

Same here. My cancer come back again. I am worry about every thing.I need to talk about it and he's answer : take a pill. And I am not ready yet to listen about his plans for my funeral and him moving to Florida after my death. He is 9 years older than me!:( Zina. P.S. He is not bad man, but ... you know Ladies what I am talking about... May be cancer patients little bit to much sensitive?...

Tina Brown's picture
Tina Brown
Posts: 1054
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Leesa its a "man thing" inside they are frightened children and have to remind you that "hey I'm still here and have the same needs"

My husband is exactly the same. He only has so much sympathy (he doesn't do empathy at all) and once that has been used up 'you've had it' With some men they can't help it because
1. "how they were brought up" or
2. "they get scared cos the person they have always relied on is ill"

Things haven't changed for them and they find it hard to adjust.

Tina xx

nancy591's picture
nancy591
Posts: 1059
Joined: Sep 2009

Oh, it is not just a man thing. My sister, whom I love dearly, makes everything about her too. Whenever I mention stomach pain or any complaint she gets physically ill. I remember 5years earlier her husband was dying from oral cancer (he was 45yr she was 36yrs old) she used to say "why is God doing this to me?!" I'd be like HELLO he is the one dying of cancer, not you.

The downside for me is that everything else seems trivial. I have to realize life does go on for other people and they have problems too. It irks me when people complain of a cold or whatever. I usually don't vocalize my annoyance.

Sandy10's picture
Sandy10
Posts: 82
Joined: Sep 2010

My husband is the oposite!! every little thing I say or do that isn't what he thinks is "normal" for me, he says "what's wrong?" "Why did you make that face?" "why are you taking a pain pill,what hurts?" "call the doctor." I have found myself trying to not let him know when I'm in pain or not feeling good. I hate making him worry so much!! I always tell him "I'm fine, it's nothing." When I was in the hospital (i was in the hospital 14 times from Feb 10th this year to july 17th this year) He would be there the whole time. He would sleep in a chair all night then go to work, stop by the house to get me some clean p.j.'s take a shower and bring his work clothes with him then sleep in a chair all night again. I still feel so bad about that. He still says " I love you and don't want you here alone and you would do the same for me." he goes to every doctor appt. with me,every lab draw, every cat scan, he has been wonderful!! I hate it when he is so worried. I don't like being the cause of his worry. So, i try to not let him know when i'm not feeling to good or when I'm in pain. At first, when I had the debulking surgery, i was in ICU for a week. He never even left the room for longer that 15 minutes and only when a nurse or someone else was with me. He had people bring him clean clothes and he took showers in the bathroom in my room. He wouldn't eat. Not even when we got home. I couldn't eat, i couldn't keep anything down (which is why I was in the hospital so much.) He lost so much weight those first few months.He tells me now that He was so afraid, he said he felt helpless because I was sick and there was nothing he could do about it, he couldn't fix it. I guess that's why family members friends and husbands all act the way that they do. they don't know what to say or do for us. That's why this board is so wonderful!! We can come here and vent about anything!!

Sandy

Pythiaschad
Posts: 22
Joined: Dec 2010

Yes we men suck. My wife was diagnosed around the first of November of 2009. She went through surgery, and had the chemo and was declared in remission only to have it come back a scant few weeks later in April of last year. I think. Many more round of chemo with a different cocktail and no shrinkage. More chemo and we saw growth. So no she is in a trial with some oral medicine of which I couldn't begin to pronounce. Sunitrib or something like that. Anyway, this whole time I try to be as supportive that I can but I just am so damned scared. I too keep thinking, "what if she dies." I know we're not supposed to think that way and I know in my heart of hearts that she will beat this but... I guess I am just as selfish as the rest of your husbands. As for as her happy pills, I make sure she has plenty of them. Sandy, I think I am a lot like how you describe your husband. I worry when she doesn't eat, or she has back pain or gets sick. I worry that she bruises so easily and her skin is a tinge yellow. Then, I will turn around and act like there is nothing wrong on her good days. I would like to meet him so I can see what others are going through. Well I think I have said enough. God bless each of you and keep fighting like girls.

Chad

Hissy_Fitz's picture
Hissy_Fitz
Posts: 1869
Joined: Sep 2009

My husband has been a wonderful care-giver. Like Sandy's husband, he insisted on staying with me when I had my initial surgery - all 16 days and nights. He is over 6 ft tall and slept with his feet hanging over the edge of a little fold-out chair thing.

He hands me my meds every day, or else I would forget to take them.

He has always said he wants to be the one who "goes first" and since he is older than I am, he assumed that would be the case.

Don't beat yourself up, Chad. It sounds to me like you are experiencing a lot of what my Bob is going thru. You don't suck at all.

My (late) husband died from Cancer, so I know what it feels like to be the other half of this partnership. It's scary. After my husband got so ill that he needed to sleep in a hospital bed in our den, I would lie, awake and alone, in our king-size bed and think, "This is what it will be like after he's gone." And as bad as I felt for him, I have to admit that I felt sorry for myself, too. And I could not talk to him about dying. Whenever he brought it up, I just choked up and could not say anything, for fear I would start crying and not be able to stop. He would try and apologize for every little thing he had done that hurt/upset me - 25 years worth of "stuff" - and I could not have that conversation, either.

My closest girlfriend, on the other hand, told me the other day that since I was diagnosed and went thru treatment, she feels guilty if she complains about an ache or pain. "When I think of what you have been thru," she said, "I just feel like such a loser. I tell myself to suck it up and stop whining." It made me feel very special.

They say that women grieve and men remarry. I've known that to be true, and I've known it not to be, as well. If my husband has plans for after my demise, he had best keep them to himself. Otheriwse, he will be relocating much sooner than he expected. But that's just me.

Carlene

nancy591's picture
nancy591
Posts: 1059
Joined: Sep 2009

I've thought about my husband remarrying. I am so torn about it. He refuses to talk about it.

Hissy_Fitz's picture
Hissy_Fitz
Posts: 1869
Joined: Sep 2009

Nancy....I made my husband promise that he wouldn't marry anyone I know, even if we met only briefly. He thinks I'm crazy to even want to discuss such things!

Carlene

leesag's picture
leesag
Posts: 624
Joined: Jan 2010

Chad, I was just blowing off some steam. Trust me, I love my husband and he loves me immensely. This whole experience has put many things in perspective for both of us. When I was in the hospital, Ken was with me almost every minute. During my treatments, he was very caring and supportive (although his own fears and anxieties presented themselves physically in the form of full blown panic attacks). Now that I am no longer undergoing active treatment, and my hair is growing back, we are learning how each of us handles "the new normal." I post semi-regularly here and I see a counselor once a week to talk through some of the negative stuff. However, there are still some times when I get scared. I would very much like to be able to tell him simply "I'm scared." and have him just hold me.

As for thinking about dying, I suspect if we are all honest, we have those thoughts. Like Carlene's husband, my husband has always planned on "going first." Like you, I think the thought of my death before his terrifies him. (It also doesn't help that he's a nurse and so he has just about every possible "worst case" scenario running through his mind."

Please understand that even though I made this post to vent a bit, I absolutely love my husband and could not have gotten through this year without his love and support every step of the way. Are there thing he could have done differently to make it easier for me? Sure, just as I am certain that there are things I could have done differently to make it easier for him. The thing about cancer is this...Sometimes it's all about me, sometimes it gets to be about him, but mostly...it's all about US.

Hugs to you and your wife Chad.

Leesa

Mwee's picture
Mwee
Posts: 1316
Joined: Nov 2009

but, anniversaries of our diagnosises.... whew that is a lot of ssss's... are very scary. My husband is a good man also, but never seems to be able to comfort me when I get afraid. He's way too quick to minimize the situation so that he doesn't have to face it AND watch out if he gets a cold, etc.... I think I babied him in years past, but now I say "poor baby, try chemo and then get back to me with your complaints."
(((HUGS))) Maria

lindaprocopio's picture
lindaprocopio
Posts: 2022
Joined: Oct 2008

In the very beginning I said to my husband (who is a hypochondriac and an anxious worrier by nature), "This can't be about you this time; I can't be worrying about whether you can cope with this." At the time, I thought I'd get through my surgery and chemo and that then I'd be able to put this cancer thing behind us forever, and that he needed to let this be about me for the next 6 months or so. That was 2 years ago, and he's really surprised (understatement!) everyone with the way he's risen to the challenge and put my needs first. But, I'm not sure I was at all fair to make that demand, as it shuts the door to allowing him to talk with me about his own fears and grief. If I get upset or cry, THEN he can also talk about what he's going through personally, but he bottles it up until I give him an opening, because I told him 2 years ago that he must. You are right; this is happening to BOTH of us. He's been so great and I know he suffers more than I do on this journey because he can't seem to make his peace with it the way I have.

As far as him re-marrying, I would LOVE that. I have spoiled and babied him and I hate to think that he will have no one to care for him or share his life. I've even thought about who might make a good match for him; it'd be a shame for a good man like that to go to waste! He says he would never re-marry, never even date again, but I sure wouldn't want that. It sounds morbid, but I've thought that I'd prefer to die in the hospital rather than at home, because I don't want that memory to be here in this house where he will live on without me. I know he adores me and will grieve. But I like to think that some good woman will come along and pull him out of that grief and back into a joyful life. But we don't talk about it much cause he HATES that conversation.

nancy591's picture
nancy591
Posts: 1059
Joined: Sep 2009

I can relate to most of your comments. My husband is 5 years younger then I am. He is 39years old. Our kids are 5 and 7. Is a Dad enough? Do they need a Mom? I think about women who would be a good match. I listen to Dr. Laura on the radio. Does anyone listen to her? She believes parents of young children should not get married. Doesn't matter if they are single through divorce or death. Their focus should be on raising their kids. Not their kids competing for their parents attention with the new person in their life. I am so undecided on this. My husband poo-poohs me and won't talk about it. The most he has said is "I'm going to be too busy with the kids to have time for that". When I talk about meeting someone nice who will be nice to our kids and how women can be really mean he will say something like "do you think I'm a bad judge of character?" I know it is really hard for me to think of his future without me. I am such a planner I talk about making sure the kids have enough variety of clothes, making sure the clothes aren't too small, making sure he gives the boys their clothes and not their brothers. When I was in the hospital my daugher picked up my kids from school and later told me my older son was wearing his younger brothers shirt and it was waaaay too small. Didn't he notice? I worry about the kids becoming depressed. I tell him that I worried about the kids doing drugs at teenagers. I worry about him being too hard on the kids. I worry about him being too busy working. You get my drift here?? He listens but I know internally he is rolling his eyes.

I also thought about dying at home versus in the hospital. My brother in law died of oral cancer at 45years. He died at home with a feeding tube, no tongue, not able to speak, with a trachotomy, oxygen and their baby was just over 2years old. I know the strain it put on my sister at the end. (SIGH) I'm still undecided about this. I dont' want to scare my kids. I dont' want to burden my family. I worked in the nursing home industry for many years and I know I don't want to die in a nursing home. We have one hospice house in our area but it is about an hour away and very hard to get into. The upside is I know lots of nurses and nursing assistants who would come here and help out if/when the time comes.

beth1465's picture
beth1465
Posts: 63
Joined: Jun 2010

My husband doesn't want to hear my worries. I'll make a comment such as "after I'm gone, you'll have to...." and he always says "stop talking like that, this is just a bump in the road for you". If I cry, he tells me to stop worrying. He really has been great through my illness, but he just doesn't want to think about what could happen. My parents, on the other hand, are always worried about me and trying to put a positive spin on things. I'll never forget what my mom said to me right after I found out I was sick: "this should be me! I should have this, not you! I wish it was me!" I still cry when I think about it. One thing that makes me so mad about this is, I have the best parents anyone could ask for, and I do not want to force them to have to bury a child (me!). Ok, enough! (crying now)

nancy591's picture
nancy591
Posts: 1059
Joined: Sep 2009

My husband says that to me too.

Mwee's picture
Mwee
Posts: 1316
Joined: Nov 2009

I love your strength AND I love how we can say things here that need to be shared, but may be just too painful for our family members.
(((HUGS))) to all.... Maria

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