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Pushing people away...

Hopeful720's picture
Hopeful720
Posts: 92
Joined: Feb 2010

Hi Everyone,

I hope you've all had as good of a Holiday as possible this year. It went by so fast. I just wanted to ask if anyone feels like they push people away? I am very selective as to who I feel like talking to, and I tend to ignore many phone calls and emails. It is not fair to the people in my life, but I find it happens more than I'd like...

I just needed to get this off my chest. I am feeling so down... and I do not know why I isolate myself.

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

My daughter came out for Xmas and spent 4 days with me. Her and I have had our ups and downs but for the most part it was nice to see her and we had a good time, just one little bout of issues but it got cleared up.

Anywho, in that bout, she accused me of pushing people away and that surprised me because I didn't think I did that at all. I still am not sure I do, she accuses me of anything and everything so what's one more thing so not sure how accurate that is but still.

You mention not taking calls and stuff and I definitely do that but she wouldn't know that I am actually just not answering. I do that when I am too stressed with too many issues at once - I give myself distance from people who might say something to hurt me or to cause me more stress. It's a coping mechanism I think. It is for me anywho. Sometimes I just have to 'be' and have quiet, watch some mindless sitcoms or something or read or just listen to my cats purr. I live on my own and have to do everything for myself and with chronic pain and chronic fatigue it takes a lot out of a person, not to mention the trauma that most of us have been through with the whole cancer journey whether it was ours or someone close.

I spend alot of my time on my own and stay in alot too but it's because of the pain levels and difficulty getting around. I can't sit, stand or walk very long at all so it's just easier to stay in most days. I have a wheelchair I can use if I want to go out for longer shticks but that is usually to the doctors or when out with a friend to a big museum where there is lots of walking.

I think that we have to watch that the isolation doesn't become something more serious like that phobia where you can't go out, dang chemobrain strikes again - what the heck is that called? If we start to feel anxious about going out, start with little panic attacks or something then we have to step up and seek help. I am not at that point at all, I just need alot of quiet after all the trauma I have been through with cancer and family abandonment.

My daughter said some pretty cruel things about my health that are ringing in my head after her visit for Xmas, staying home and protecting myself from that kind of thing and others less than kind ways doesn't sound too bad for a bit after that. Oh well as the bible says 'forgive them for they do not know what they do'. What I said to her after she said those things wasn't quite as biblical as that. lol.

When people are hurt, like animals, they go off and hide. They want to be alone in their pain. Too many invasive treatments, too many diagnosis. too much trauma. Those who try to get to you to help often start talking about their own issues and we just can't take any more issues than what we ourselves are dealing with so we choose to hide away. I don't think that's wrong, it's self preservation. However you do have to monitor how long you are hiding and what levels of stress you are dealing with. Lonliness can turn to deep depfression and then you are in a spiral. It's wise to seek counselling at some point, I have done that from time to time, and it truly helps.

So I hope I have given you some prespective on your issue you present here. Just monitor yourself and take the right steps if you thing it's going too far but I do think many of us who have been traumatized by cancer in one way or another do need rest and peace and quiet more than perhaps others who have never faced that kind of trauma.

Hope you had a peaceful Xmas.

Blessings,
Bluerose

Cindy54's picture
Cindy54
Posts: 454
Joined: Aug 2006

Blue, I have not posted for awhile because I no longer have internet at home. But I check in to see how everyone is doing fromm time to time. I am so glad to see your posts. I have always enjoyed them. I am wishing you and all the others here the very best New Year. I hope we all don't have to battle the beast again this coming year. Bless you Blue and everyone else. Cindy

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

So good to hear from you Cindy. We have missed you so much, I was just thinking of you the other day and wondered where you were.

How have you been? Any chance you will get internet access again soon? Please let us know how you are, we miss you.

Hope this New Year is good to you, you deserve it. Praying for you.

Hugs,
Bluerose

Cindy54's picture
Cindy54
Posts: 454
Joined: Aug 2006

Blue and others, Have had some busy times. Lost my job of 22 years, but finished school. This past year I got my associate degree in medical transcription, got a part time job helping people find jobs and teaching them how to use a computer. Got full time job the end of August at a hospital as a secretary in radiology.

Healthwise I am hanging in there. Had to do injections for anemia. And will be doing a surgery in the spring for hernia repair and some exploratory to my liver. I have some cysts and calcifications in that area, so I am hoping it is not mets. The beast has not come back as far as breast/ovarian. I am thankful for that. On Monday I do an MRI for my spine to see if anything new has settled in there.

All in all I am doing well. I have a job after being unemployed for almost 2 years. I have medcial insurance with it also. It amy not be quite enough to pay everything, but it is a JOB. There are good days and so-so days. Lost some friends, gained some friends. Had a date, too much to take me on, now no dating. But it's okay. My toughest battles are emotionally. I pray a lot. And I try to stay out of any drama around me.

I am so thankful for everyone that I have met on these boards. You guys are the best. Thanks Blue, for remembering me! Hugs to you, Cindy

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

Oh I am so glad you got a job and especially one with health insurance, that's great. I'm sure it's hard to get there and hang in for a whole work day with your health issues but I sure wish I could work to take my mind off the pain and medical issues I face too so for that I am happy for you, that you can work I mean.

It's the same for alot of survivors, the emotinal issues seem to take such a heavy toll daily and that's tough to deal with often, as you well know. I just wish you could come into the chatroom more often for your hit of support, we would sure like to see you back. Do you think that the workplace would mind you checking in with the site in your coffeebreaks or at lunch?

Of course I remember you you silly. Who could forget you, you were such a support to others. Often just recounting our own experiences helps others who are new to the site or happen on a post just when they need an answer to that very subject. Funny how that happens alot on this site.

Anywho I have to get going here, have to fill out more government forms for housing as I age, stupid age thang (lol). Hate forms.

Hope to see you post soon or pop into the chatroom if you get a chance. All the best on your upcoming surgeries and tests. Keep the faith, keep praying. I will say a prayer for you tonight.

All the best in 2011 Cinders.

Hugs,
Bluerose

ketziah35
Posts: 1150
Joined: Jun 2010

I tend to only want to deal with people that don't take a lot of energy to deal with. Dealing with my moms illness takes a lot of energy so any energy that I expend on people that "do not have their chit together" is wasted energy. I have friend who has been having marital problems. I really do not feel lie listening to her chatter. The guy is abusive, so it is easy leave him and I am not going to waste my time and energy dealing with her until she stops being codependent. Therefore I do not answer the phone. Sometimes weeding out people that you deal with is an act of survival.

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

During my moms illness I was much like Ketz....weeding out the takers and only communicating with a few. Just did not have the time or energy.

Since mother has passed, the one person I am pushing away is my hubby and reaching out like crazy to everyone else!!! Weird I know, but he too lost his mom about a month after my mother, so he really is not able to be completely emotionally there for me.

Keep doing what feels best to you, that is all that is important right now..

nbudhram
Posts: 7
Joined: Dec 2010

Was just dx with Papillary Caner and did not have any treatment as yet. I am so emotional stress that it drain all the energy out of my body, I just want to lock up in my room and process this. I agree with everyone, I also keep a distant from everyone and you are right, you cannot deal with any one else stress while you are processing this new stress in your life. I am so angry and do not know what to do, I sometime cry a lot. Everyone tried to tell you how to feel but I do not thing they can understand the emotional toll your body is going through.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1306
Joined: Aug 2010

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Please know you don't have to be alone during this time; only as much as you want to.

Hugs.

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

I just noticed your post here after I met you in the chatroom today.

I know we had a pretty good talk with the others in the room but I just wanted to add something to your post here. I just wanted to say that all of your feelings like anger and fear and all the stress are totally normal for your situation because we all have to go through all the stages of loss of our health and that's really what you are doing. The big trick is to make sure you don't get stuck in any one of the stages for too long. Some of the stages are denial, why me, anger and others ending in acceptance. If you do get stuck in any one of these stages for too long and it is interferring with you life then it would be a good idea to seek counselling for help moving through that phase. I had to do that a couple of times in the past.

I am sure people around you have your best interests at heart when they tell you how you should feel but you feel what you feel and there isn't a wrong way to feel - they are your feelings. As you have probably figured out by now those on this board can validate your feelings and can help and support you so please continue to post here and come into the chatroom when you need immediate input.

Nice meeting you. See you again soon I hope.

Blessings,
Bluerose

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