She is my best friend, who am I supposed to be now?
I read these posts and feel as if I have become a "nothing" to my best friend. No one knows what a person goes through when they have breast cancer. Funny thing is, I have found myself to be dumbfounded, confused, hurt, angry, anxiety to the point of feeling like I am having a heart attack, oh yeah, and did I mention ANGRY!
I can't think of one thing I can do for her. At the age of 40, a single mom she is to three beautiful girls. We have been friends for 23 years and I don't know what to do for her?
I feel guilty, feeling pain from heartbreak at the thought of losing someone I have so many precious memories with because I couldn't possibly feel as much pain as her. I can no longer talk to her about my trivial issues at blending a family because they are no where near as big as what she is going through. I can't talk to her about how I feel because it is nothing compared to how she is feeling. I can't tell her what the fear does to me when I think about losing her. When I think about her girls.....
I am not with her daily so I don't know what is chemo brain (what was), shear fear or time to be concerned about this cancer growing in yet another new spot.
What am I supposed to be now? This cancer took from me the ability to laugh with her about the things we used to laugh about because those things are being stripped from her, and me. There is no more of her and I growing old together being the "single,fun, hot mamas" in the rocking chair on the front porch anymore. There is no going out to eat and cocktails anymore, both will make her feel like she just fed the "beast".......how can I contribute to what ails her?
All anyone , including myself can think of is try to keep things normal. How do you keep things normal when normal doesn't exist anymore. How can I feel like a best friend when that has been completely redefined for me with no instruction booklet?
What about that? Who am I supposed to be to her now without offending or hurting her or assisting her to feel that she is killing herself or jealous, envious,or angry that I still have my health. I stand a chance at seeing my daughter graduate high school...why do I feel I have to demise my own life to make her feel better?
Who am I supposed to be now?
Comments
-
You
Just be you... being there for her. let her know you are available to run errands, do things for her if she needs them done. Comfort her when she is hurting, listen to her complaining, talking with her about what she is feeling. This is hard when you are a close friend but it is necessary for you to continue to be in that role for her now. If you find this too hard, talk to a pastor, counselor at the Cancer Center where she is getting treatment. Go with her to some appointments if possible. Just cheering her on and making her feel that is not less of a person to you now. God Bless. Sending prayers your way for courage, strength and wisdom. Prayer is powerful, pray with her; find a special psalm or prayer that has meaning for both of you and share it with her. There is no right/wrong way to approach this; talking sometimes is hard; choose positive words, encouragement.0 -
just. stay her friend
Just. Stay her friend0 -
just. stay her friend
Just. Stay her friend0 -
Friendship
My best friend was mortified when my cancer came back after just 6 months and she was sure it was the end for me (it was not) she later told me how difficult it was for her to see me so ill yet she knew in her heart that I needed her (she was right) just as you know your dear friend of you. It would speak volumes if you could simply sit with her after chemo so she is not alone or visit with her and laugh about old times. Just your being there is a testament to the love you two have secured over the 23 years you have been friends, do not let cancer destroy that. Visit with her, wash a few dishes and put out some laundry for her, take her kids on errands that are needed and most of all just be there so she knows she has not lost you, she needs you now more than she ever has before!
My Best to you,
RE0 -
Things are not normalNew Flower said:just. stay her friend
Just. Stay her friend
for your friend and your relationship has changed. She is now fighting for her life and I think she needs someone to be on that journey with her - and some relief from her daily "chores" so she can focus on her treatments and enjoy her daughters. Many women do live with Stage IV breast cancer for quite some time - or so I've learned on this board. I hope she has a treatment plan that allows her to do that.
She may not know what she needs/wants and she may not feel comfortable asking. I hope you can find things to do together that make her feel loved and you feel good that you're really there helping her. Things like going with her to doctor appointments and treatments so she's not alone. Just tell her you'd like to go with her, not ask. If she doesn't want you to, she'll tell you. If you ask her, she'll probably say "no, that's ok". She knows you're busy. You can also coordinate help with her other friends or people from her work - like meals to be made and delivered, contributions to hire a housecleaning service (this was the BEST thing a friend did for me when I was having chemo. I could not ask any of my friends to come clean my house, I would be horrified, but having a professional/nonpersonal service come in and do it was fabulous).
And most importantly, please listen to her fears if she wants to share them. Please don't tell her to stop thinking about them or dismiss her feelings. She's going to worry anyway, but it will make her feel better to be able to express them without being told not to (I had a 2 really close friends who continuously told me what was good for me and to get my mind off cancer every single time I'd tell them something that was going on or something I was concerned about. It hurt me deeply even though I know they had my best interests at heart)
That's my 2 cents.
Suzanne0 -
Talk to her
and ask yourself, "what would Jesus do?" and amke sure whe knows about this board! Hugs to you...Alison0 -
XX post
xx pst0 -
LOL...that is my favoritewebbwife50 said:Talk to her
and ask yourself, "what would Jesus do?" and amke sure whe knows about this board! Hugs to you...Alison
LOL...that is my favorite sayings in someone else's crisis.....why do I have such a hard time "fixing" myself? Thank you for the reminder!0 -
Thank you all for yourwebbwife50 said:XX post
xx pst
Thank you all for your responses. I know I don't have it nearly as difficult, but none the less, it wreaks havoc on me, my emotions and my daughter who has come to know them as her second family.
Your right RE....I went into a panic at her announcement of her latest news. This breast cancer is something she knew was coming one day....it just came sooner than either of us had thought (as her mom was just 4 years clear from her stage I) and boy did it come with a vengence. There was "prep" but not nearly enough, nor enough knowledge to even begin to deal with it. It wasn't what we planned....(smile - chenheart- like a marriage)
I am sure that I have made many mistakes out of sheer frustration of not knowing and yet preparing my emotions for what is happening in myself. I am sure I was not sensitive at a time when i should have been and probably inserted foot on a few occasions.....but my stance in this is different. I am two hours away, homeschooling my daughter, I am remarried and have step children. My life is not nearly close enough to do the things I would like to do and my responsibilities at home are more than what they were when we were dependent on eachother.
I have gained some much needed knowledge from you all which in turn has given me a better peace of mind from this morning. chenheart, I will be mixing the juice and pulling out the flax seeds and cottage cheese. That might help those saltines go down a bit better. It may be time for The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood!
Thank you all for taking the time to calm ME.....thank you for being selfless in my time of trying to hold both her and I up. God Bless you all and may a miracle come in 2011.....is it ok for me to say..." I HUGELY DISLIKE cancer!"0 -
Double WhammyDouble Whammy said:Things are not normal
for your friend and your relationship has changed. She is now fighting for her life and I think she needs someone to be on that journey with her - and some relief from her daily "chores" so she can focus on her treatments and enjoy her daughters. Many women do live with Stage IV breast cancer for quite some time - or so I've learned on this board. I hope she has a treatment plan that allows her to do that.
She may not know what she needs/wants and she may not feel comfortable asking. I hope you can find things to do together that make her feel loved and you feel good that you're really there helping her. Things like going with her to doctor appointments and treatments so she's not alone. Just tell her you'd like to go with her, not ask. If she doesn't want you to, she'll tell you. If you ask her, she'll probably say "no, that's ok". She knows you're busy. You can also coordinate help with her other friends or people from her work - like meals to be made and delivered, contributions to hire a housecleaning service (this was the BEST thing a friend did for me when I was having chemo. I could not ask any of my friends to come clean my house, I would be horrified, but having a professional/nonpersonal service come in and do it was fabulous).
And most importantly, please listen to her fears if she wants to share them. Please don't tell her to stop thinking about them or dismiss her feelings. She's going to worry anyway, but it will make her feel better to be able to express them without being told not to (I had a 2 really close friends who continuously told me what was good for me and to get my mind off cancer every single time I'd tell them something that was going on or something I was concerned about. It hurt me deeply even though I know they had my best interests at heart)
That's my 2 cents.
Suzanne
Thank you for your words. You spoke as if you know her. She is very private, making things a bit harder to know what is right and what isn't. I normally had to push things on her when times were hard. This just was a bit more than I bargained for. Thank you very much and I wish you all of God's Blessings at Christmas and I keep praying that a miracle occurs to bring us the cure that we all are so rightly deserving of.
Merry Christmas & God Bless!0 -
And my favorite phrase, andnewlife2011 said:LOL...that is my favorite
LOL...that is my favorite sayings in someone else's crisis.....why do I have such a hard time "fixing" myself? Thank you for the reminder!
And my favorite phrase, and one I had made into license plate holders for my niece is:
"What would Buffy Do?" As Buffy fanatics ( we each own a set of all 7 seasons!) we know that Buffy was kind, strong, loyal and could kick-**** when called upon to do so!
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
Just an added thought, beingnewlife2011 said:Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses. I know I don't have it nearly as difficult, but none the less, it wreaks havoc on me, my emotions and my daughter who has come to know them as her second family.
Your right RE....I went into a panic at her announcement of her latest news. This breast cancer is something she knew was coming one day....it just came sooner than either of us had thought (as her mom was just 4 years clear from her stage I) and boy did it come with a vengence. There was "prep" but not nearly enough, nor enough knowledge to even begin to deal with it. It wasn't what we planned....(smile - chenheart- like a marriage)
I am sure that I have made many mistakes out of sheer frustration of not knowing and yet preparing my emotions for what is happening in myself. I am sure I was not sensitive at a time when i should have been and probably inserted foot on a few occasions.....but my stance in this is different. I am two hours away, homeschooling my daughter, I am remarried and have step children. My life is not nearly close enough to do the things I would like to do and my responsibilities at home are more than what they were when we were dependent on eachother.
I have gained some much needed knowledge from you all which in turn has given me a better peace of mind from this morning. chenheart, I will be mixing the juice and pulling out the flax seeds and cottage cheese. That might help those saltines go down a bit better. It may be time for The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood!
Thank you all for taking the time to calm ME.....thank you for being selfless in my time of trying to hold both her and I up. God Bless you all and may a miracle come in 2011.....is it ok for me to say..." I HUGELY DISLIKE cancer!"
Just an added thought, being that you aren't across the street BFFs! There are pretty and inexpensive pieces of china and wine goblets at antique and thrift stores. ( or at Ross or TJ Maxx) Get a pretty cup and saucer and a wine glass for each of you, and a copy of your favorite movie or CD. Send one set of everything to her, and keep one set for yourself! On Friday at 7PM ( or whenever! You get the idea!) BOTH of you should put saltines on the plate, fill the goblet with tea or ginger ale~ yell "Ya-Ya!!"~ and put the movie or CD in. That way you are connected from afar in the most important way~ from the heart!
Bless your heart~ you are the caring friend we all should be so lucky to have.
Chen♥0 -
You can be all of those
You can be all of those things and even more, Being best friends is in some ways like a Good Marriage~ "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health." Having gone through so much together pre-cancer, I will advise you in the way I often advise myself! Put the shoe on the other foot, and think about how you would like your BFF to be treating you if the situation was reversed!
For me...I would love it if I got to have a good old-fashioned, no holds barred cry with my best friend! Maybe beating up some pillows and screaming at the un-fairness of it all! Be kindly honest,tell her that you are frustrated, angry, afraid~ and that you don't know what to do for her! Get it out in the open, and then just be the friend you have always been. Your future with her may indeed be in jeopardy, so now is the time to spend together. Neither of you is proabably in control of being hot mamas in rocking chairs. But do you two have a movie you love? Something that bonds you? Watch it together! Instead of cocktails, well, you may be drinking tummy-soothing ginger ale or green tea together, but nothing says you can't drink it out of champagne glasses with linens and fine china for the soda crackers! Sit on those rocking chairs NOW! And ask her if there is anything you can do for her specifically. Not just the general doing something, but something special that she truly wants. Something you as her Best Friend can do for her. Such as? Does she need/want help making a video journal for her children? I know nothing about her personality, but I hope you can see I am trying to give suggestions.
I didn't aways need something, or even anyone sitting with me, but I loved, loved, loved, just knowing someone loved me, cared about me, and was afraid for both of us and the changes that were happening. It wasn't a hovering or smothered feeling, but a calming awareness that I was not alone. And, I have learned not to say "If you need something, give me a call." I can think of No One that I called~ I was in such a mess that I needed and so appreciated it when someone else just took the initiative and called, sent me cards, brought me dinner, whatever the gesture, I felt it in my heart. A local restaurant owner brought me 6 individual ramekins of macaroni and cheese~ comfort food to get me though the bad days. I cannot begin to tell you how much that meant to me.
My heart is sad for both you and your best friend...I hope you find peace.
hugs,
chen♥0 -
It says much about you thatnewlife2011 said:Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses. I know I don't have it nearly as difficult, but none the less, it wreaks havoc on me, my emotions and my daughter who has come to know them as her second family.
Your right RE....I went into a panic at her announcement of her latest news. This breast cancer is something she knew was coming one day....it just came sooner than either of us had thought (as her mom was just 4 years clear from her stage I) and boy did it come with a vengence. There was "prep" but not nearly enough, nor enough knowledge to even begin to deal with it. It wasn't what we planned....(smile - chenheart- like a marriage)
I am sure that I have made many mistakes out of sheer frustration of not knowing and yet preparing my emotions for what is happening in myself. I am sure I was not sensitive at a time when i should have been and probably inserted foot on a few occasions.....but my stance in this is different. I am two hours away, homeschooling my daughter, I am remarried and have step children. My life is not nearly close enough to do the things I would like to do and my responsibilities at home are more than what they were when we were dependent on eachother.
I have gained some much needed knowledge from you all which in turn has given me a better peace of mind from this morning. chenheart, I will be mixing the juice and pulling out the flax seeds and cottage cheese. That might help those saltines go down a bit better. It may be time for The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood!
Thank you all for taking the time to calm ME.....thank you for being selfless in my time of trying to hold both her and I up. God Bless you all and may a miracle come in 2011.....is it ok for me to say..." I HUGELY DISLIKE cancer!"
It says much about you that in spite of your own fears and feelings of helplessness, that you are reaching out for ways to help your friend. No wonder you have been so close for so long.
Since you are a couple of hours away, you might also look for some of the free services available on the internet for your friend...then you sign her up. Cleaning for a Reason comes to mind, and there are some that will send free hats and scarfs.
My BFF is only across town, but she sends thoughtful or funny cards in the mail. They always lift my spirits because she knows me so well. If you both have computers, you might try setting up Skype so you can talk 'face to face' in addition to on the phone.
There will likely be times when your friend wants to talk about the trivial, normal, everyday things in life. Yes, cancer is huge and nasty and changes so much. But I don't want to be entirely defined by cancer. I am still a wife, mother, friend...and I need and want to spend time on those parts of my life too. Because if cancer takes those things away from me, then cancer wins. So share your funny stories, your frustrations, and your challenges...just be sensitive about when you share them.
And it is ok for you to say "I HUGELY DISLIKE cancer!" In fact, most of us would use much stronger language!
I hope you and your friend get your miracle. I'm sending thoughts and prayers.
Linda0 -
My Dear NewwifeGabe N Abby Mom said:It says much about you that
It says much about you that in spite of your own fears and feelings of helplessness, that you are reaching out for ways to help your friend. No wonder you have been so close for so long.
Since you are a couple of hours away, you might also look for some of the free services available on the internet for your friend...then you sign her up. Cleaning for a Reason comes to mind, and there are some that will send free hats and scarfs.
My BFF is only across town, but she sends thoughtful or funny cards in the mail. They always lift my spirits because she knows me so well. If you both have computers, you might try setting up Skype so you can talk 'face to face' in addition to on the phone.
There will likely be times when your friend wants to talk about the trivial, normal, everyday things in life. Yes, cancer is huge and nasty and changes so much. But I don't want to be entirely defined by cancer. I am still a wife, mother, friend...and I need and want to spend time on those parts of my life too. Because if cancer takes those things away from me, then cancer wins. So share your funny stories, your frustrations, and your challenges...just be sensitive about when you share them.
And it is ok for you to say "I HUGELY DISLIKE cancer!" In fact, most of us would use much stronger language!
I hope you and your friend get your miracle. I'm sending thoughts and prayers.
Linda
After reading your post, and all of the wonderful responses, I am truly at a loss of anything that could be added. However, my first thought in reading your words was that the friendship you two have built over the years is now being tested. Not only will it change, but it will also become stronger as she takes this journey through another treatment and all that this brings to her life. So many of your so called "friends" have a tendancy to run and hide when you are diagnosed, and personally I was really heartbroken to be left alone to face this by myself...thank God for a wonderful husband who has been there 24/7 to see to my needs. That being said, a BFF is never replaced by anyone, meaning that you are, have been, and always will be the person she looks to for solace and comfort. As much as you "HUGELY DISLIKE" cancer, you will find that there are lot stronger feelings expressed on this board, most of which could be construed as "X" rated. I admire your feelings of helplessness, but please know that any efforts you put into making your friend feel better will be more appreciated than you will ever know. I especially like Chen's suggestion of sharing a movie together "long distance". That's what cell phones are for....if you are not together, you can be "together by phone" at least. Also, the tinest of jestures you send her way are received on the other end as being huge. A kind word, a call to ask how she is doing, or even an email to say you were thinking of her. Visit as often as possible, and she will hold on to all of these memories as being sent from someone who really cares. This is a hard time for her, as well as you, and we are here on this Board to listen any time. I am so sorry you are going through this agony, and hope that in the smallest way you can gain strength to help make your friend's life easier. As a devoted friend, I personally feel you are truly doing everything you can do from a distance. Just continue to be a friend in every sense of the word, and always keep in mind that her time with us, even if short-lived, will be made more bareable by your kindness. Please keep us up to date on how things are going, and come back to the Board when you just need to vent.....we are always here. Hugs, Judy0 -
As everyone has already so
As everyone has already so eloquently written, stick with your friend. She needs you now more than ever. My very best friend lives across the country. While I was in treatment and during the depression that followed, she called me every day, whether we had something to talk about or not. Luckily, she is a very funny woman and found ways to get me giggling. She sent me books and beautiful scarves and music; I always knew she was there. Bless your heart for loving your friend. xoxoxoxo Lynn0 -
The best thing you can dochenheart said:Just an added thought, being
Just an added thought, being that you aren't across the street BFFs! There are pretty and inexpensive pieces of china and wine goblets at antique and thrift stores. ( or at Ross or TJ Maxx) Get a pretty cup and saucer and a wine glass for each of you, and a copy of your favorite movie or CD. Send one set of everything to her, and keep one set for yourself! On Friday at 7PM ( or whenever! You get the idea!) BOTH of you should put saltines on the plate, fill the goblet with tea or ginger ale~ yell "Ya-Ya!!"~ and put the movie or CD in. That way you are connected from afar in the most important way~ from the heart!
Bless your heart~ you are the caring friend we all should be so lucky to have.
Chen♥
The best thing you can do for your friend is show her you love her and care about her. You don't have to "plan" anything, just be with her.
Hugs, Debby0 -
Don'tlynn1950 said:As everyone has already so
As everyone has already so eloquently written, stick with your friend. She needs you now more than ever. My very best friend lives across the country. While I was in treatment and during the depression that followed, she called me every day, whether we had something to talk about or not. Luckily, she is a very funny woman and found ways to get me giggling. She sent me books and beautiful scarves and music; I always knew she was there. Bless your heart for loving your friend. xoxoxoxo Lynn
Don't do anything, or be anyone different. You have been her friend for a very long time and there's no reason for that to change now! The only thing that has changed is the situation - not the people.
I love my family, but my friends are the people I confide in about my Stage IV cancer and dealing with it. I need them more now than ever before. Not to do chores or errands, but to talk with. Please be there for her. When she opens up, listen.
God bless you, your friend, and her girls.
Marsha0
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