I am very happy to be celebrating my first Christmas post diagnosis and treatment. I am healing slowly, but I am healing. I am amazed how the celebrations with each of my parents was just like the last couple of year's. a part of me was expecting something different, something more personal, more sentimental, but aside from my sister who always does something to try and make me emotional, it was the same. I gave personal gifts, but didn't get any. it seemed very odd. I am not sure what was so odd about it, but it just seemed odd somehow.
of course I know that I was a little on edge after talking to a relative who didn't seem to understand that I really can not eat much, but that what i do eat I eat as much as I can. she was worried about what to make for the holidays. I kept saying to make what you usually make and I will either eat it or not but not to worry. that all I really needed was whole milk, which I drink with every meal to make sure i get enough calories. however, she kept listing food after food that no I could not eat. then she was like, "wow, you really can not eat much can you...what about this or this?" no, no, and nope. but the foods I do eat I do not eat in large quantities. just get the stuff for my kids and I will take care of me...she didn't like that answer so I kept having to think of something she could make...I still have no clue!
then when I agreed that there is still so little I could eat and that I had lost a couple more pounds she made the one comment that makes me cring when I think of it..."aside from the cancer stuff, don't you feel so much better without all that weight on you?" to which I could only reply with the truth..."well, actually, I feel the same as before. I have actually only lost 15 pounds from the weight I was before I got pregnant with Morgan (3rd baby) and the weight I lost after my surgery was weight I had put on after my diagnosis. so yes since the day of surgery I have lost 39 lbs, but 20 of that I had gained before my surgery while eating all of my favorite foods. I was in great shape before surgery and other than the horrible headaches that I had before surgery and don't have now, I feel the same." to which she replied, "really?"
I have energy, but not as much as before treatments. I don't really notice my weight...I didn't before, I don't now, but I would feel so much better if it was discussed all the time! it is only one part of who I am, and not all that important to me.
well, enough of my ranting, I am sure I will be over it all in no time! just mixed emotions. My obturator doesn't fit right and I am a little touchy at the moment, but I intend to be over it very very very soon.
wishing you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! :)