Dec 19, 2010 - 10:33 am
The holidays usually end up making me feel lonely as family is far away, but this year it's a bit worse. There is so much going on on top of Pat having cancer and having complications. Then I see how others can do all sorts of research, be these awesome advocates, have the cojones to tell the primary doctor that they aren't cutting the mustard and another doctor is needed at this point.
I'm feeling pretty inadequate.
Pat comes downstairs and tells me he has so much pressure and pain he doesn't sleep. His current doctor is pushing radiation, but won't think to give him any pain meds besides Tylenol 3. The guy isn't giving me enough information to help Pat make an informed decision about what he needs to do. This guy won't even consider making things easier for Pat and have him radiated closer to home.
Feeling alone is something I fight every day as there isn't anyone to help out with the simplest things. Everything that needs done I do: phone calls, advocating, housework, financial, lawyers, all of it.
I alternate between deep despair, severe anxiety, and trying to feel like there is nothing wrong so I can act normal.
I refuse to give in and cry, because there has to be something I can do.
I think I will take up boxing this year. Then maybe for just a minute I can feel powerful and strong. I sure don't feel that way now.