How do I deal with the anger???
Comments
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Welcome Ethelyn
I am sorry you needed to find us but glad you did. First I want to say don't give up. I know this is very scary but don't let the beast win. Everyone reacts differently to the news that they have c*****. You are just reacting in your own way. My way was to pretend it was happening to someone else and not me. It was like I was on the outside looking in. I was like you as far a being healthy. Also, I am not very young anymore - just turned 64.
There are a lot of us here and we will do our best to answer questions and be supportive. Any help you need just ask.
Hugs,
Georgia0 -
Own the anger
I'm probably wrong, but I recall a story about Jesus flipping over some tables of money changers...something about righteous indignation. It's no sin to feel angry. I've personally been able to accomplished a lot in that state, Hell, some of my best housework has been completed with me pissed off. What concerns me is the attitude of wanting to give up. 76 may feel old now, I know that there are days that my 54 feels like 90, but it's young...just ask Willard Scott.
Similarly, I was in good health prior to my diagnosis. No smoking, drinking, exercised regularly...a regular @#$%! girl scout. I will tell you that when I first was diagnosed I spent the first week without much sleep and shutting off my mind seemed nearly impossible. I realized that I was far better at helping others than I was at allowing others to help me. That was lesson 1, I needed people and I had spent the first 50 years of this life working on being independent. It was adjustment time.
People that love us understand the lashing out, as helpless as we feel, they feel that way too. It's impossible to be up for cancer all the time, and it's a bit weird to be frank. Forgive yourself, and let your family keep loving you.
That's my advice for what it's worth.0 -
One Day At A Time
Oh Ethelyn yes you have entered a new and scary journey in your lifes journey. There is no one answer in dealing with the Beast. I just relaxed realizing all the control was out of my hands. I asked questions, did research, saw a couple different oncologist who specalized in different types of treatments just trying to become knowledgeable and stay on top of what the docs were doing and why. I had wonderful nurses guiding me through my journey during each stage of treatment. We all laugh, dance, make jokes, smile, on the outside but are or were just as frightened inside. Never give up, let you family hold you up, take care of you, be there for you. The more support and love you have surrounding you the easier the journey. And don't forget we are all here to add to your support, strenght, tenacity, good and bad days, plus there are so many prayers here I think we have our own guradian angel who watches over all of us and laughs and crys with us. Keep in touch, don't be afraid to ask questions.
Scotch Freckles0 -
thank youladyg said:Welcome Ethelyn
I am sorry you needed to find us but glad you did. First I want to say don't give up. I know this is very scary but don't let the beast win. Everyone reacts differently to the news that they have c*****. You are just reacting in your own way. My way was to pretend it was happening to someone else and not me. It was like I was on the outside looking in. I was like you as far a being healthy. Also, I am not very young anymore - just turned 64.
There are a lot of us here and we will do our best to answer questions and be supportive. Any help you need just ask.
Hugs,
Georgia
I really don't want to just give up, that has never been me. Thank you for you encouragement and support. I just feel numb most of the time, kind of like what you described that it isn't happening to me. Thanks for caring0 -
thank youScotch Freckles said:One Day At A Time
Oh Ethelyn yes you have entered a new and scary journey in your lifes journey. There is no one answer in dealing with the Beast. I just relaxed realizing all the control was out of my hands. I asked questions, did research, saw a couple different oncologist who specalized in different types of treatments just trying to become knowledgeable and stay on top of what the docs were doing and why. I had wonderful nurses guiding me through my journey during each stage of treatment. We all laugh, dance, make jokes, smile, on the outside but are or were just as frightened inside. Never give up, let you family hold you up, take care of you, be there for you. The more support and love you have surrounding you the easier the journey. And don't forget we are all here to add to your support, strenght, tenacity, good and bad days, plus there are so many prayers here I think we have our own guradian angel who watches over all of us and laughs and crys with us. Keep in touch, don't be afraid to ask questions.
Scotch Freckles
I have asked many questions, even asking for a second opinion on my pathology report --It just doesn't seem real to me. Nurses are the difference and having spent a lot of my life teaching nurses, I know the difference they can make. I hope I find some as caring and compasionate as you describe. Thank you for your support, just knowing others have traveled this same path, had the same feelings, fears, anger, hope --makes it easier for me. I have such a hard time with being out of control, but am just realizing that I have little control in this situation. I hope "your" guaradian angel will be watching over me too --0 -
Anger will help you heal
We all react in a different way to the words, "You have cancer." First time I did not have anger. Second time I had hidden anger, which surprised me more than the cancer. I do believe that we have our individual clock to come to terms with the cancer and that process is needed to heal mentally. Anger is an emotion that we experience, especially at the beginning,but as time passes, it should leave you. You just joined CSN. By reading the postings on these discussion boards, you will learn that many of us "did the right thing" and yet the cancer found us. Many of us are the first ones in our families to have the cancer. What I am most concerned about is your statement about giving up. There is a life after cancer treatment. You have a loving family...let that be one of your strengths.
Consider journaling your thoughts and fears. Journaling may help you to deal with your anger.
If and when you lash out at someone, after you settle down, be sure to apologize. Apologizing is very powerful, both for you and the recipient.
One more thing, you wrote the bare minimum on your board. Go back to it and describe yourself and your feelings.
Lots of Hugs and Lots of Love,
Janelle0 -
Good AdviceOwn the anger
I'm probably wrong, but I recall a story about Jesus flipping over some tables of money changers...something about righteous indignation. It's no sin to feel angry. I've personally been able to accomplished a lot in that state, Hell, some of my best housework has been completed with me pissed off. What concerns me is the attitude of wanting to give up. 76 may feel old now, I know that there are days that my 54 feels like 90, but it's young...just ask Willard Scott.
Similarly, I was in good health prior to my diagnosis. No smoking, drinking, exercised regularly...a regular @#$%! girl scout. I will tell you that when I first was diagnosed I spent the first week without much sleep and shutting off my mind seemed nearly impossible. I realized that I was far better at helping others than I was at allowing others to help me. That was lesson 1, I needed people and I had spent the first 50 years of this life working on being independent. It was adjustment time.
People that love us understand the lashing out, as helpless as we feel, they feel that way too. It's impossible to be up for cancer all the time, and it's a bit weird to be frank. Forgive yourself, and let your family keep loving you.
That's my advice for what it's worth.
Thanks for the good common sense approach! It is the total loss of control that is so difficult, and wondering if you wouldn't just be better off giving up now. I am not sleeping, or eating, and my mind is working overtime. I have more testing scheduled for Monday --bone and body scans. I can only hope for good news, but it has all been bad and unbelieveable up to now. You are right about the righteous indignation, how could this happen to me. I know my family loves me, but I just keep lashing out at them-- like it is their fault, or that they should be able to do something about this. We need to come together now, but I keep driving us apart. Thanks for caring and taking the time to answer. I really enjoyed your reply, and I too have done some of my best "work" when I was really pissed off. I needed to be reminded!0 -
thank you JanelleDifferent Ballgame said:Anger will help you heal
We all react in a different way to the words, "You have cancer." First time I did not have anger. Second time I had hidden anger, which surprised me more than the cancer. I do believe that we have our individual clock to come to terms with the cancer and that process is needed to heal mentally. Anger is an emotion that we experience, especially at the beginning,but as time passes, it should leave you. You just joined CSN. By reading the postings on these discussion boards, you will learn that many of us "did the right thing" and yet the cancer found us. Many of us are the first ones in our families to have the cancer. What I am most concerned about is your statement about giving up. There is a life after cancer treatment. You have a loving family...let that be one of your strengths.
Consider journaling your thoughts and fears. Journaling may help you to deal with your anger.
If and when you lash out at someone, after you settle down, be sure to apologize. Apologizing is very powerful, both for you and the recipient.
One more thing, you wrote the bare minimum on your board. Go back to it and describe yourself and your feelings.
Lots of Hugs and Lots of Love,
Janelle
After reading about so many women with breast cancer, and you having to deal with it twice, I feel like I should be ashamed of myself for even considering giving up. I do hope as you have said that the anger will leave me, and I do realize that I am not that different than the many other women with breast cancer. Thank you for telling me to apologize, I will take care of that tomorrow. I just have to learn how to accept this and to get on with my life. I wrote the bare minimum on my board as I was desperate to find some words of encouragement and help. You all have given me that, and I thank you for it. I will go back and add to it when I am able. I have always been the caregiver, the one to take charge etc., and this is such a new role for me. I guess you can teach old dogs new tricks. I appreciate the hugs and love, and am glad I found this site. I had considered a more drastic action --0 -
Angry, indignant and in
Angry, indignant and in denial, that was me! You're a nurse and have always done the right things so there is no surprise that you are angry. I'm sure it's hard trying to wrap your head around having it. You're probably still in shock as well as having a heightened state of anxiety. I think it's all pretty normal and eventually it will become acceptance. But there are many layers to get through to get to that. Don't give up! Let your anger fuel your determination to get through treatment and perhaps be frank with your family and tell them about your anger and how you are trying to come to grips with this thing. I'm sure they will understand. Best of luck to you with your scans.
hugs
jan0 -
(((((HUGS))))) I have
(((((HUGS))))) I have thought about this so often~ wondering what ( if anything) makes us different. And I have come to know that we are not really different at all~ we are women thrown into a situation we never expected, deserved, nor wanted. The only thing we want to do is Survive! And we have myriad reasons for surviving~ for ourselves, our husbands, kids, grandbabies, the reasons are numerous.
I was diagnosed in 2003. I was also a Good Woman~ non smoker, vegetarian, exerciser, involved in a religion, etc etc etc...and, like you, I became ANGRY. Not quite a "why me" but on the borderline.
In the CSN chatroom, in early 2003, a wise Kindred Spirit encouraged me to let go of the anger and to be be strong instead. I fought that feeling for a few hours, but realized he was oh so right! I adopted the mantra "Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At." I just knew that I needed strength to do battle with the beast, and that anger would zap any strength I had. To this day, that mantra is printed on my checks as a reminder of what I want to be.
I am not always successful! But 99% of the time, I am! I am stronger than most things; divorce, teenage rebellion, new relationships, moving, losing my job, etc etc . And, most importantly CANCER.
I understand your anger, but wish you strength instead. Join the ranks of the brave Kindred Spirits you see here~ we are strongest when we fight this beast together
Hugs,
Claudia0 -
thanks Janphoenixrising said:Angry, indignant and in
Angry, indignant and in denial, that was me! You're a nurse and have always done the right things so there is no surprise that you are angry. I'm sure it's hard trying to wrap your head around having it. You're probably still in shock as well as having a heightened state of anxiety. I think it's all pretty normal and eventually it will become acceptance. But there are many layers to get through to get to that. Don't give up! Let your anger fuel your determination to get through treatment and perhaps be frank with your family and tell them about your anger and how you are trying to come to grips with this thing. I'm sure they will understand. Best of luck to you with your scans.
hugs
jan
The words of encouragement have meant more than I can say. It is after midnight and I am still not able to sleep ; however, knowing there are others out there dealing with this disease with dignity and grace, gives me hope. I know I have a long way to go to acceptance--I used to teach a unit on Death and Dying. Strange that I never thought it would be me~ I will try to help my family to understand what this is like for me. Thank you for your good wishes, I really appreciate it.0 -
thanks Janphoenixrising said:Angry, indignant and in
Angry, indignant and in denial, that was me! You're a nurse and have always done the right things so there is no surprise that you are angry. I'm sure it's hard trying to wrap your head around having it. You're probably still in shock as well as having a heightened state of anxiety. I think it's all pretty normal and eventually it will become acceptance. But there are many layers to get through to get to that. Don't give up! Let your anger fuel your determination to get through treatment and perhaps be frank with your family and tell them about your anger and how you are trying to come to grips with this thing. I'm sure they will understand. Best of luck to you with your scans.
hugs
jan
The words of encouragement have meant more than I can say. It is after midnight and I am still not able to sleep ; however, knowing there are others out there dealing with this disease with dignity and grace, gives me hope. I know I have a long way to go to acceptance--I used to teach a unit on Death and Dying. Strange that I never thought it would be me~ I will try to help my family to understand what this is like for me. Thank you for your good wishes, I really appreciate it.0 -
thanks Janphoenixrising said:Angry, indignant and in
Angry, indignant and in denial, that was me! You're a nurse and have always done the right things so there is no surprise that you are angry. I'm sure it's hard trying to wrap your head around having it. You're probably still in shock as well as having a heightened state of anxiety. I think it's all pretty normal and eventually it will become acceptance. But there are many layers to get through to get to that. Don't give up! Let your anger fuel your determination to get through treatment and perhaps be frank with your family and tell them about your anger and how you are trying to come to grips with this thing. I'm sure they will understand. Best of luck to you with your scans.
hugs
jan
The words of encouragement have meant more than I can say. It is after midnight and I am still not able to sleep ; however, knowing there are others out there dealing with this disease with dignity and grace, gives me hope. I know I have a long way to go to acceptance--I used to teach a unit on Death and Dying. Strange that I never thought it would be me~ I will try to help my family to understand what this is like for me. Thank you for your good wishes, I really appreciate it.0 -
thanks Janphoenixrising said:Angry, indignant and in
Angry, indignant and in denial, that was me! You're a nurse and have always done the right things so there is no surprise that you are angry. I'm sure it's hard trying to wrap your head around having it. You're probably still in shock as well as having a heightened state of anxiety. I think it's all pretty normal and eventually it will become acceptance. But there are many layers to get through to get to that. Don't give up! Let your anger fuel your determination to get through treatment and perhaps be frank with your family and tell them about your anger and how you are trying to come to grips with this thing. I'm sure they will understand. Best of luck to you with your scans.
hugs
jan
The words of encouragement have meant more than I can say. It is after midnight and I am still not able to sleep ; however, knowing there are others out there dealing with this disease with dignity and grace, gives me hope. I know I have a long way to go to acceptance--I used to teach a unit on Death and Dying. Strange that I never thought it would be me~ I will try to help my family to understand what this is like for me. Thank you for your good wishes, I really appreciate it.0 -
I remember the weeks and
I remember the weeks and weeks of being in shock over my dx and feeling like a zombi. I did not fee anger as much as "nothing"....like I was in a life void. But you will find the strength deep within to take charge and fight the battle and win. None of us ever expected to be facing this, but it is what it is and we will come through ok. Find strength within yourself and from all of us here who are thinking of you and sending our cyber hugs your way. Remember, whatever is thrown your way, you will be able to deal with it and do whatever it takes. You are stronger than you think. Hugs0 -
Try and direct your
anger towards this cancer instead of people and fight it with everything you've got. Yeah, we've all been rained on with storms of anger, confusion, helplessness, fear...you name it. It's a lot to handle. But, make up your mind early to roll up your sleeves, hold on to the hope that IS there. You'll get past this and grow stronger than you ever imagined.
God's strength to you,
Sylvia0 -
Dear Ethelyn,sea60 said:Try and direct your
anger towards this cancer instead of people and fight it with everything you've got. Yeah, we've all been rained on with storms of anger, confusion, helplessness, fear...you name it. It's a lot to handle. But, make up your mind early to roll up your sleeves, hold on to the hope that IS there. You'll get past this and grow stronger than you ever imagined.
God's strength to you,
Sylvia
Sending you
Dear Ethelyn,
Sending you strength to fight this beast, but you know that you have it. Right now you feel anger, totally normal, but make that anger work for you to fight with everything you have.
I'm so glad that you have a great support system because that is very important.
God bless you and this site is the best place to vent, cry or just talk to someone.
Hugs,
Wanda0 -
brave women
Ethelyn,
You are the first women that I have met that is in 70 as I am. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in Mar. 2010. I had tried for a year to get my internist and radiologists to send me to a surgeon. They said that I only had a blocked duct which is what you want to hear.
Finally, I was successful and had a biopsy. What had started out as 4mm had grown into 1.8cm. I was so angry that I could not concentrate on navigating my cancer.
I was sent to a breast cancer center and there met the nurse who was to be my breast cancer navigater. She predicted my cancer which was stage 1, grade 1, her2neu neg, estrogen pos. Because I was node neg. I ask for the Oncotype test. The results showed that I would not benefit from Chemo at my age. Even with a good result, I know it still can return. She is my angel and is always a phone call away or email away.
I decided to forgive the doctors who caused me to lose my breast, and to focus on the rest of my life. Each morning, I lift up my cancer to my God and the rest of the day is mine.
I don't intend to lose a minute.
My sadness is not me but these beautiful young women on this discussion board that still have so much life to live. I come to this board each day to be lifted by their courage.
You will find lots of love here.0 -
Most of what I would have
Most of what I would have said has already been said, so I won't repeat it. I will add that I am also a manager/organizer and the loss of control in this situation has also been really hard for me.
So I did a few little things which helped me feel in control. The first thing I did (before I heard it was a good thing to do) was create a binder. When I have a project at work, it gets a binder...so this "project" got a binder too. When I start feeling out of control I go back and make sure the binder still fits my needs. I took a leave of absence from work so I can focus on this "project".
I also remind myself of the areas where I do have control...I chose my doctor, I choose to prepare mentally and physically for each chemo treatment, I choose to faithfully take the medicine that will help me win this battle, I choose to research treatments and medicines so I will know what's appropriate for me, I choose what I will and will not say (and to whom I will say it) about this battle, I choose to plan my attack with my doctor. I choose to accept the thoughts, prayers, and strengths of others because I can't do this alone. Mostly, I made the choice to be aggressive in this battle so I can win.
So with this, I am sending my thoughts, prayers, and strength.
And a big hug too,
Linda0 -
Well, anger is part of theGabe N Abby Mom said:Most of what I would have
Most of what I would have said has already been said, so I won't repeat it. I will add that I am also a manager/organizer and the loss of control in this situation has also been really hard for me.
So I did a few little things which helped me feel in control. The first thing I did (before I heard it was a good thing to do) was create a binder. When I have a project at work, it gets a binder...so this "project" got a binder too. When I start feeling out of control I go back and make sure the binder still fits my needs. I took a leave of absence from work so I can focus on this "project".
I also remind myself of the areas where I do have control...I chose my doctor, I choose to prepare mentally and physically for each chemo treatment, I choose to faithfully take the medicine that will help me win this battle, I choose to research treatments and medicines so I will know what's appropriate for me, I choose what I will and will not say (and to whom I will say it) about this battle, I choose to plan my attack with my doctor. I choose to accept the thoughts, prayers, and strengths of others because I can't do this alone. Mostly, I made the choice to be aggressive in this battle so I can win.
So with this, I am sending my thoughts, prayers, and strength.
And a big hug too,
Linda
Well, anger is part of the grieving process. I know pwople who think that being a health professional gives you a leave but there are lots of nurses here who get breast cancer. I have had it three times. If I start down that lonely road to why me (which sometimes i do)you end up lonely. there is no answer.
I find this tranlates to all situations in life that are not fair. I have been helped by Chen's mantra and keep struggling to use it in my life and it is wonderful advice to follow.
Many node positive women do very well. Hopefully being a bit older your cancer type will not be aggressive and this will be something they can take care of and you will just move on. this in between time is really difficult to deal with. Anger sometimes protects us. Anyway, you will be experiencing the gamut of emotions, we know them all and will respond. We respond to everything, happy, sad, angry. afraid, etc... We have been there!0
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