How to express my feelings

herdizziness
herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624 Member
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
I love you all, let me say that first above all else.
It's just that two have passed away this week, many more in my same shape (my same shape a couple of months ago) and others are still waiting for the possibilities of surgeries.
Here I am, getting my surgeries. I've been to Stanford many times over the past month, the last two times, this past Thursday and Friday. I didn't mention them, seemed like bragging in the scheme of things.
I guess I'm feeling at this moment, that I don't deserve more of a chance then anyone else on this board that are Stage IV, and yet I'm getting it. It makes me feel like I'm a braggart, it truly does. I want the same for everyone, and I see the struggles of others in my same place, and they have been struggling sooo much longer.
My joy at my chance to live longer, is tempered by those I believe have more meaning then my own life that have passed or still struggle so much longer then myself.
How do I start my life forward, when I weep for others setbacks?
Why and how am I lucky? So many of you have lived better and more honest lives then myself, so why do the Eric's and the Donna's die, and I live, (well, maybe, I have this fear of dying during surgery).
Unlike my normal busybody get in every one's business self I haven't commented much lately, I'll be on less so for awhile.
If I make it through the surgeries I'll let you know, if I didn't, well, just another statistic.
Who knows what the future will bring for me, I have hopes, I joined college, I spoke to many about get your colonoscopy, and have a part time job waiting for me after I recover.
Most of all, I gave my Momma the hope she needs to feel good, not losing another child before their time.
I love you all, the calendar (should everyone get their pics in) shall reign. The other things I'm working on (bracelets, grocery bags, etc, are still in the works, if I get through the surgery, the "blue" for colon shall rise and gain it's recognition (after all we've got beautiful butts people!!!)).
My love,
Winter Marie
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Comments

  • Lori-S
    Lori-S Member Posts: 1,277 Member
    Winter Marie
    You are still here because we still need you and others need you too. Don't make me quote my PM to you in front of everyone!!!! I love you , girl. I celebrate you being here. I will be awaiting the good news from your surgery.
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624 Member
    Lori-S said:

    Winter Marie
    You are still here because we still need you and others need you too. Don't make me quote my PM to you in front of everyone!!!! I love you , girl. I celebrate you being here. I will be awaiting the good news from your surgery.

    Lori
    If anything else, your PM to me, should be repeated, again and again, to all!!!
    It's beautiful, it's full of hope, it gives reason to our beings. If nothing else gets said, your words to me should be. I asked you to share those words, and yet you haven't, get brave girl, share them, so many more then me deserve to read them.
    Winter Marie
  • Kathleen808
    Kathleen808 Member Posts: 2,342 Member
    Winter Marie
    Winter Marie,

    Thank you for sharing your heartfelt words. We are so happy that you are still here with us. You are very important and very valuable. I look forward to hearing from you when you come out of surgery. I loved that you are starting college.... wonderful!!

    Take care.

    Aloha,
    Kathleen
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    Never doubt
    Dear Marie,

    Never doubt that you deserve whatever sucess you gain in the fight. Who goes now and who goes later is not in our hands. There is a timetable for each of us, but not one that we can see.

    Never begrudge yourself the good things which come into your life. They are a gift.

    Your tears are tears of compassion, but know that each person you cry for feels joy in your succeses. It is stories like yours with tenacity to move forward, fearlessness of making future plans and compassion for others less fortunate that makes the day for lots of us.

    Please don't ever feel that being fortunate in the fight means that you should be quiet. Just read all the posts of good news and the fantastic responses from so many that it gives them strenght.

    Prayers for success with the surgery and a quick recovery. Get your butt back here to rally the troops with your humor and your ideas for getting our stories out there.

    Love,

    The other Marie
  • maglets
    maglets Member Posts: 2,576 Member

    Never doubt
    Dear Marie,

    Never doubt that you deserve whatever sucess you gain in the fight. Who goes now and who goes later is not in our hands. There is a timetable for each of us, but not one that we can see.

    Never begrudge yourself the good things which come into your life. They are a gift.

    Your tears are tears of compassion, but know that each person you cry for feels joy in your succeses. It is stories like yours with tenacity to move forward, fearlessness of making future plans and compassion for others less fortunate that makes the day for lots of us.

    Please don't ever feel that being fortunate in the fight means that you should be quiet. Just read all the posts of good news and the fantastic responses from so many that it gives them strenght.

    Prayers for success with the surgery and a quick recovery. Get your butt back here to rally the troops with your humor and your ideas for getting our stories out there.

    Love,

    The other Marie

    Winter Marie
    Marie you have contributed so much to this board with your caring and humor and enthusiasm. Each of us must walk their own path. I for one do not believe that our actions and deeds necessarily determine the amount of time that we live....you are right...if that were true then someone as good as Donna would still be here.

    It is understandable that you have some misgivings about surgery....it can be a scarey thought...but I think you will do very well....I think surgery has kept me alive and I thank god I was able to have those surgeries.

    Do not feel as if you are bragging...everyone wants to hear your story. Please try to stay in touch as you move forward....I love your posts....

    sending big hugs and best wishes....

    maggie
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    A wise lady, in response to my post about guilt:
    Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi,Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi,Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi,Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi,Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi,Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi,Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi,Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi,Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, Kathi, I just wanted to do a post ALL ABOUT YOU!!!!! You are important enough to us for me to do that!!!
    Hugs
    Winter Marie

    herdizziness
    October 30, 2010 - 5:49pm
    Also
    I live vicariously through you!!!!! It gives me great joy!
    Winter Marie


    SOOOO:
    Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie
    Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie
    Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie
    Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie
    Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie
    Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie
    Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie
    Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie
    Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie, Winter Marie

    We LOVE you! Can't live without you and your wonderful posts!!!!!!!

    Someone bigger than both of us decides what happens in that, we just need to leave the questioning behind....

    BIG hugs, Kathi
  • AnneCan
    AnneCan Member Posts: 3,673 Member
    Hope
    Winter Marie, I am so happy you have done so well. You totally deserve it. You provide all of us with HOPE because if it can happen to Herdizz just maybe it can happen to us. Personally I need to hear all the success stories I can, so don't stop "bragging"!
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    Extremely Introspective...
    ...which refelects a very deep and warm soul underneath all of the persona:)

    I love people that can "bring the realism" and talk about deep subjects - and you're one of those. This board needs to have folks talking about real feelings, the real "nitty gritty" of not only Cancer, but of life in general. I'm certainly glad to be getting to know you much better. So, I'm taking this opportunity to let you know how much you mean to me. I'm sure you already know, but as Lori said, it's out of a PM now and over to the board now.

    I don't pretend to have all the answers for why some of us make it out of here and others of us do not. It's a question that I continually ponder as I continue my journey through this life.

    It's understandable to "weep." It's because you are a sincere person, who leads with her heart first. You combine that with the "emotional investment" that you put into each person, and then you have what is called "genuine feelings." So, if you've done it right, you feel what they feel - you feel their joy - you feel their fears - you share their tears - and you share their smiles.

    It's no small undertaking as you know. Somewhere along the line, you can get hurt. But I found if we don't reach out and touch someone, then our lives just seem to be a little bit more emptier than before. So, it's always worth it - and you continue to go forward with that great big attitude and heart that we know so well and bring life to those that you "touch."

    What you give them and what they return to you will never be measurable in terms of intrinsic value - for when we reach inside and touch people's hearts, that's the biggest gift that any of us can give one another.

    As far as our personal relationship, you've made this year very big for me, and only you know how. You've helped change my outlook this year at the holidays, which is always a difficult time for some of us, and you have given me something wonderful that will also carry forth and live on.

    I could not have done that if you were not here with us. So, I do believe there is a reason you're still here...there's just too much goodness inside you that is just waiting to come out:)

    You just keep on being "Winter" and that's good enough for us. We love you and I love you.

    -Craig
  • Lori-S
    Lori-S Member Posts: 1,277 Member
    OK sister, I will repeat myself!
    There is a bigger picture

    I personally don't think that we all have to have those larger profound moments. So, don't worry about that. It truly is each and every moment.

    I've come to realize that we have profound effects on people we may never ever meet or contact. I call it my ripple in the pond effect. It's like throwing a pebble in the pond and watching the ripples make their way to the other side. I might say or do something and never know the extent to which I've had an effect on someone further down the line. Something that may be so small and inconsequential to me may be a life saver or life changer for someone else and I never get to know it. All it takes is for the ripple to happen. I can say or do something to one person and they pass it on maybe in the same way or in a slightly different way but, by the time it reaches the person or people that really need it just the way they received it, I may never know about it and it may have changed dramatically from how it was sent. And sometimes, I'm just one of the people in the chain passing the ripple on from someone to someone so that it may be received. We are all so connected to each other in so many ways. Just "being" is being connected. I don't think I have one purpose for being, I know I have multiple purposes and they arise constantly. I do have an awareness of my major purposes that have played out in my life but, I may never know some of what I consider my smaller purposes to be.

    For you Winter Marie, let me say that one of your reasons for living is that you bring love and understanding to this board. Thank you for living right here, right now and being you.
  • chicoturner
    chicoturner Member Posts: 282
    Winter Marie, we will still
    Winter Marie, we will still be waiting for you when you need or want us. Time off is sometimes good, just don't forget you loads of friends and well wishers here! You are remarkable already!! My best to you. Jean
  • Kerry S
    Kerry S Member Posts: 606 Member
    I envy you
    Winter Marie darlin

    I envy you for being able to express how you deeply feel. This is an area that I fail in. The steroids I have been on this last week or so have made me feel more deeply then ever. I cried the other day for the first time in my cancer journey over the care and love my family has given me thru these 2.7 years of cancer crap.

    The practical side of me always comes thru in my quest to beat this crap. Yet there is a soft side that I just can’t let out as it will show me as weak.

    My precious wife and family know me to be strong willed and need me to be strong thru this. I just cannot let down my guard and let them down. I think it is just an “Old Guy” thing.

    Kerry

    PS I did not miss that big doe yesterday. I found her today. Had I walked after her another 75 yards, I would have found her then. That made me mad so I put the deer rifle away for this year. Except to shoot coyotes.
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    Kerry S said:

    I envy you
    Winter Marie darlin

    I envy you for being able to express how you deeply feel. This is an area that I fail in. The steroids I have been on this last week or so have made me feel more deeply then ever. I cried the other day for the first time in my cancer journey over the care and love my family has given me thru these 2.7 years of cancer crap.

    The practical side of me always comes thru in my quest to beat this crap. Yet there is a soft side that I just can’t let out as it will show me as weak.

    My precious wife and family know me to be strong willed and need me to be strong thru this. I just cannot let down my guard and let them down. I think it is just an “Old Guy” thing.

    Kerry

    PS I did not miss that big doe yesterday. I found her today. Had I walked after her another 75 yards, I would have found her then. That made me mad so I put the deer rifle away for this year. Except to shoot coyotes.

    Not Weakness, Kerry....
    ...but Strength to reveal how you feel.

    It just shows that underneath all of the bravado, there is a man underneath, who has genuine feelings - and depsite all of the "old school" things we were taught as men, it is ok, from time to time, to allow that expression to occur.

    You've taken the first step already - and I certainly do not think any of the lesser about you - rather, I feel more of a "realness" about you, than ever before.

    I'm not a sappy guy, though you might think that I am - I would not have lasted this long if I were. For most of my life, I just "stuffed" feelings down so deep inside, that nobody, not even myself, could reach them.

    Cancer cracked the door wide open on that and if you have a moment, you have it, and then back to business.

    -Craig
  • AnneCan
    AnneCan Member Posts: 3,673 Member
    Kerry S said:

    I envy you
    Winter Marie darlin

    I envy you for being able to express how you deeply feel. This is an area that I fail in. The steroids I have been on this last week or so have made me feel more deeply then ever. I cried the other day for the first time in my cancer journey over the care and love my family has given me thru these 2.7 years of cancer crap.

    The practical side of me always comes thru in my quest to beat this crap. Yet there is a soft side that I just can’t let out as it will show me as weak.

    My precious wife and family know me to be strong willed and need me to be strong thru this. I just cannot let down my guard and let them down. I think it is just an “Old Guy” thing.

    Kerry

    PS I did not miss that big doe yesterday. I found her today. Had I walked after her another 75 yards, I would have found her then. That made me mad so I put the deer rifle away for this year. Except to shoot coyotes.

    Kerry
    I like the "two sides of Kerry". The softer side of you is not as hidden as you think. I have seen that side of you ever since you sent me a PM a long while back. And I do think you express how you feel on many topics. It is obvious you love + respect your wife. Crying can be a fantastic stress release. There is nothing weak about you Kerry, + you inspire me everyday. I am glad you are on this board, you make a huge contribution to it.
  • lisa42
    lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625 Member
    the question of why
    Hi Marie,

    Oh how hard the question of "why?" is! It's so very hard to accept that we will never know or understand the answers of why certain things happen to people, whether or not they've been good or not. We can't answer the question of why certain people have died before their time, left children, loved ones, etc. behind. It's very sad- just a sad fact about living in an imperfect world- imperfect things happen.
    As has already been said, please don't feel guilty or ever apologize about your news of hope. The rest of us need to hear of people getting to have surgery to help them, people becoming NED, etc. You still have your challeneges ahead with the upcoming surgery & we will stick together and support each other- we will cry with each other, we will support, encourage, and pray for each other, and we will rejoice with each other when there is good news.

    Hugs to you Marie,

    Lisa
  • thxmiker
    thxmiker Member Posts: 1,278 Member
    We all share this thing call
    We all share this thing call life. We all are fragile.

    I really look forward to every day now. Cancer has changed my perspective on life. I promised myself never to forget how fragile life is, and not to live with regrets.
  • khl8
    khl8 Member Posts: 807
    thxmiker said:

    We all share this thing call
    We all share this thing call life. We all are fragile.

    I really look forward to every day now. Cancer has changed my perspective on life. I promised myself never to forget how fragile life is, and not to live with regrets.

    We are all in this together,
    We are all in this together, even through the good and the bad. No one knows why some of us survive and others don't. and you are not a braggart, we all need to hear the goood stories too, this journey is had enough without hope. And you my dear are one of those people that symbolizes hope.
    so, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get on with the business of living!!
    Kathy
  • lizzydavis
    lizzydavis Member Posts: 893
    thxmiker said:

    We all share this thing call
    We all share this thing call life. We all are fragile.

    I really look forward to every day now. Cancer has changed my perspective on life. I promised myself never to forget how fragile life is, and not to live with regrets.

    Great posts!
    Great posts. I learned a lot today. Thank you for sharing your feelings.

    Lizzy
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    Hush!
    Listen to me, you are a wonderful person, and you have just as much "right" to live as anyone else. Yes, I miss Donna and Eric and so many others, but I wouldn't want you to trade places with them, either. It's not ours to know at this time why some people have longer than others. I think we just have the responsibility of trying to live each day the best we can.

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • bruins1971
    bruins1971 Member Posts: 227
    Only God Knows
    So many times we allow ourselves to ride the roller coaster that is colon cancer. The ups are so great and the downs well let's just say they don't have an accurate word to describe the downs. At times we see others going through the same battle and they might not be doing as well and we wonder WHY ME???? Truth is we have no right to ask that question as then we are questioning God and his destiny for us. At those times we must appreciate life that much more and hold dear to everything around us and be extra thankful for the fact that we are doing well. The best thing we can do is to pray extra for the ones who are having a down turn in hopes that God will turn that roller coaster ride around and put them back on the up swing. To be honest it scares me to become friends with people on here for I don't want to loose anyone. I know that I could allow myself to think that I could be the one to pass on but I believe in my heart that God has blessed me with a miracle. Nobody should ever have to go through what we go through but God will never give us something that we cannot handle. I pray that everyone of you our there know that God is with you today and every day. When you are down and you feel like you can no longer go on he will lift you up and give you the energy to take one more step. To the ones who are currently have tumors that cannot be removed I pray that one day soon your treatment will get them to the point that they can be removed. We are all brothers and sisters walking hand and hand in this battle but we are loved by the Lord and with him all things are possible.....EVEN BEATING STAGE 4 COLON CANCER....DON'T CLAIM CANCER TELL IT TO BE GONE AND TO NEVER RETURN... BY THE STRIPES OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST WE ARE HEALED...CANCER I DEMAND YOU TO LEAVE OUR BODIES AND GO TO THE FEET OF MY LORD JESUS CHRIST....For those of you who are not religious I apologize for getting religious and I am not trying to push anything on you. For those who are remember to pray each and every day to our father who truly is the one who will heal you not the doctors or the chemo. God uses the doctors as his hands on Earth and we must never give up hope that we will receive our miracle cure...GOD BLESS
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624 Member
    I forget
    Shame on me, I forget I live in a world here of wonderful encouraging and such kind loving people.
    You make me cry all over again, over your sweetness, your kindness and your love.
    Every single one of you, THANK YOU, for being yourselves, for giving of yourselves to each of us.
    You help make my world a wonderful world.
    Thank you each, for your words, they are beautiful things, these "words" that you all have put together to make my heart sing.
    Thank you.
    Winter Marie