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Thanks Liz for checking on me

JDuke's picture
JDuke
Posts: 443
Joined: Nov 2009

If anyone asks, I answer "I am doing well". But in reality...I am running from cancer. I have analyzed my behavior and decided that this is why I am always going, going, going all the time and not being productive at all. I don't want to do any of the mundane, necessary tasks. I unconciously strive to exist in a state of distraction. My husband just shakes his head everytime I pick up my purse and car keys and the words "I"m going..." come out of my mouth. It's time I come clean and this is the best place I could think of to do it.

I should have scheduled a sigmoidoscopy/biospy for this month; dragging my feet. Having some bathroom issues. Have been dealing with some constipation and light intermintent bleeding with it. I had episodes of this before and thank goodness previous sig/biop have come back clear. Didn't share this with you previously, but the September CT showed a "nonspecific perirectal lymph node measuring 4mm in the left perirectal fat". Didn't tell my friends either, just said "CT showed nothing in the liver, nothing in the pleura". I mentioned to the onc (who was sitting in for my onc, who is out on maternity leave) that I was due to have the sig/biop and he said I wouldn't worry about it. We will see you back at the end of December for a PET and see what things look like then. I told him I intend to have it because my deductible is paid up and he said fine, if you want to go ahead. Now I am terrified to have it done. It is making me crazy. I feel good, my appetite is fine, my weight is stable, my hair is growing back, my eyelashes are coming in, I DON'T WANT THIS DAMN CANCER TO CONTROL ME ANYMORE!!! Yet, in the back of my mind I am allowing it to cast a shadow over all that I do. Good grief, is any of this making any sense. This is why I have not posted in such a long time. Again... just ignore it and it will go away!!! NOT!! I will schedule the procedure...MAYBE I will call tomorrow.

I am so happy to see that you are all keeping the lines of communication open and continuing to be such wonderful support for one another.

I do have some very exciting news to share...I won a trip to the CMA Awards in Nashville next week. I will be there Tues - Thurs. My fellow country music enthusiast friend, Michelle is accompanying me. We are SO looking forward to it. I entered the contest on my Daddy's birthday and had a concious thought that it would increase my luck! It did indeed!

Take care everyone, know that you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Joanne

z's picture
z
Posts: 1249
Joined: May 2009

Thank you for being so up front and honest with how you are feeling. I have felt this way also, and if you need to express these feelings this is the perfect place to do it. I see you said a 4mm node, that is very small, and I have read from posters where they have all kinds of cysts, and nodules that are benign and they are part of the aging process. I understand your concern and I hope you will make your appt. Please let us know how your doing, because I think we all understand.

Have a great trip to the CMA Awards, thats wonderful that you won the trip when you entered it on your dads birthday.

I like the new picture of you and your husband.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Lori

lizdeli's picture
lizdeli
Posts: 521
Joined: Jul 2009

Dear Joanne,
So good to hear from you. You are not alone. I feel like you do and I too try to mask it from time to time. I have been so upbeat that whenever I have one of my "fear moments" people say that I am being negative. I'm not. I just get scared and it's hard to always have the "brave" face on. Thankfully we have this forum where we can express ourselves. I totally understand where you are coming from. You've been strong and you've been through a lot and it's not an easy challenge. They lymph nodes are weird and they light up for other reasons. The chemo could have easily upset them, as well as your digestive system. Remember the lymph nodes are the warriors, fighting off foreign invaders in our body. Not all invaders are cancer. My groin lymph nodes swelled so much that the doctors were convinced that the cancer was in them even though the PET scan a week earlier didn't show anythig there. So they tested and nothing. It was all the invasive tests and my body was like "what is all this ***t!". I did have two tiny spots in my perirectal lymph nodes though which were zapped along with anything else in the radiation path. I hope you go for your tests so that you can have peace of mind. So happy you are going to the CMA - you need a break.

This forum will continue. This forum is your gift to all of us who needed it so badly. You have always been there for us and we will always be there for you.

As always, you remain in my prayers.

Sending healing thoughts your way.

Hugs,
Liz

mp327's picture
mp327
Posts: 2889
Joined: Jan 2010

I was really glad to see you back here again, however, I'm sorry that you are dealing with some heavy emotional stuff right now. It may be of little consolation, but I have had the same feelings from time to time. I think this damn cancer just wears us down emotionally, sometimes to the point where we just don't want to deal with it anymore, even though our common sense says we have to continue to get those follow-up scans and exams. Instead of grabbing my car keys and heading off to the mall or somewhere, I find myself running on my treadmill, as if I'm trying to outrun this crap. I run when my body is tired, when it hurts, when I have other things to do. I think in my mind I'm convinced that as long as I keep running, it will not catch me again. As a result of all this time spent running and exercising, my house is sometimes in need of a good cleaning, which I just do not want to do! And I get so tired of doctor's appts. Before cancer, I used to look at those yearly doctor's appts. as the opportunity to find out that I'm healthy and have no worries. After cancer, I see them as just one more chance to find out something is wrong. Cancer does this to us. It changes our mindset about so many things. However, you are a smart woman and you know that you need to have that scope and biopsy and you will make that appt., I'm sure. Common sense must prevail, even though that's difficult at times. As for the perirectal node, get that evaluated in whatever way your doctor feels is prudent. You did not go through everything you've been through to let cancer win!

I am so envious of your trip to Nashville to the CMA Awards! That will be such a great experience. I am a country music fan and would love to be there! Get yourself some fancy duds to wear and smile for the camera if they shoot in your direction--I'll be watching for you! You will have to tell us all about it. If you see Trace Adkins, tell him I said hello--he's my guy! Have a wonderful time!

Please keep us posted. As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Martha

JDuke's picture
JDuke
Posts: 443
Joined: Nov 2009

As always you make me feel better with your sensitivity and sensibility. I am going to go get the phone right now and call and schedule my appointment. No reason to put it off any longer.

Don't worry Martha if I see Trace I will certainly tell him hello for you! He is my favorite too. I actually have a pair of his jeans hanging in my closet...I'll let you ponder that until my return!!! If I hold them up to me they go from above my boobs to the floor. Haha!!! I have become quite fond of Jason Aldean, as well. I think it is because my son Justyn looks SO much like him. I will fill you in on all the details and hopefully have lots of pictures to share.

Take care and blessings to all,
Joanne

mp327's picture
mp327
Posts: 2889
Joined: Jan 2010

I posted a pic on the Expressions Gallery of my last meeting with Trace! I love tall men, especially good looking ones!

Martha

SueRelays
Posts: 489
Joined: Dec 2009

Hi Joanne!
I'm so glad I popped on today. I always think of you and am glad to hear from you regardless of how you are feeling. Like you said WHAT better place to express our dark feelings.
My escape from it is work. My mind is so damn busy at this new job, I actually FORGETI I have stage IV.....and I feel so good right now, it's nice to just go with it.....but every now and again, the reality check kicks in! I was at the bank the other day talking about how to roll over my 401K from my previous job. I actually told the guy "well not expecting to be around too long, so if I ever get the 6 months news, I want to be able to spend my $$" I rarely say anything like that to anyone. I try to always think I WILL be around for years to come, but now and again you can't help but wonder when this crap is going to get us for the last time. We all have those thoughts, it's just important to get them out there, and not dwell. Have the "moments" we're entitled to have and then try to pick ourselves back up and GO ON!
Gotta get back to work...but you are always in my thougths and prayers and I LOVE the new picture!!!
P.S.....GET the test!

JDuke's picture
JDuke
Posts: 443
Joined: Nov 2009

Love the pic. You look really pretty. Thanks for posting it.

Appointment scheduled: Thur. Nov. 18, 6:15 am

Good to hear from you Sue! Sounds like you are doing well, that makes me smile.

Hugs,
Joanne

mp327's picture
mp327
Posts: 2889
Joined: Jan 2010

Thank you for the compliment--however, Trace is the pretty one! :)

I'm glad you have your appt. scheduled. Have a good weekend!

Hugs--
Martha

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4282
Joined: Jun 2009

I goofed on the PM I sent back to you the other day - just came over to look for you and saw this post - I feel terrible telling you that you were doing well.

Well, you are, even though you have this new thing to look at it - but you've got your mind right to fight now, so I know you will address it - I omitted things that I've not shared yet either, but will at some other time...one looks routine, and the other...might be getting handled with current treatments.

And since you know me so well, you know as I cruise towards my 7th year of "actively" fighting Cancer, that I understand a myriad of feelings that you have described. I myself, have not been posting as much - some but not as much. Treatment has changed me some, but I still try and contribute.

Congrats to you on your Nashville trip - a couple of people in the music world I would love to drop in on if I ever get out there.

Be sure to say hello to Alison Krauss and Jerry D. for me while you're there:)

-Craig

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