Nov 04, 2010 - 10:10 pm
If anyone asks, I answer "I am doing well". But in reality...I am running from cancer. I have analyzed my behavior and decided that this is why I am always going, going, going all the time and not being productive at all. I don't want to do any of the mundane, necessary tasks. I unconciously strive to exist in a state of distraction. My husband just shakes his head everytime I pick up my purse and car keys and the words "I"m going..." come out of my mouth. It's time I come clean and this is the best place I could think of to do it.
I should have scheduled a sigmoidoscopy/biospy for this month; dragging my feet. Having some bathroom issues. Have been dealing with some constipation and light intermintent bleeding with it. I had episodes of this before and thank goodness previous sig/biop have come back clear. Didn't share this with you previously, but the September CT showed a "nonspecific perirectal lymph node measuring 4mm in the left perirectal fat". Didn't tell my friends either, just said "CT showed nothing in the liver, nothing in the pleura". I mentioned to the onc (who was sitting in for my onc, who is out on maternity leave) that I was due to have the sig/biop and he said I wouldn't worry about it. We will see you back at the end of December for a PET and see what things look like then. I told him I intend to have it because my deductible is paid up and he said fine, if you want to go ahead. Now I am terrified to have it done. It is making me crazy. I feel good, my appetite is fine, my weight is stable, my hair is growing back, my eyelashes are coming in, I DON'T WANT THIS DAMN CANCER TO CONTROL ME ANYMORE!!! Yet, in the back of my mind I am allowing it to cast a shadow over all that I do. Good grief, is any of this making any sense. This is why I have not posted in such a long time. Again... just ignore it and it will go away!!! NOT!! I will schedule the procedure...MAYBE I will call tomorrow.
I am so happy to see that you are all keeping the lines of communication open and continuing to be such wonderful support for one another.
I do have some very exciting news to share...I won a trip to the CMA Awards in Nashville next week. I will be there Tues - Thurs. My fellow country music enthusiast friend, Michelle is accompanying me. We are SO looking forward to it. I entered the contest on my Daddy's birthday and had a concious thought that it would increase my luck! It did indeed!
Take care everyone, know that you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.