Well yesterday brought a new aspect of this widow thing to my doorstep....car accident...totally my fault...totally toasted the front end of my brand new car...its only a car.
But the silver lining to this is that immediately post wreck I swung into gear...insurance...towing...rental...DONE!
This would not have been me in the past...I would have been the boohooing female...fretting...crying...worried...etc..etc...and Bill would have done his best to calm me down saying all the right things...it would have been chaos...it wasn't.
What I think happened or has happened to me is that I have handled the worst possible thing a woman can ever go though....I watch a disease take my husband and was unable to do anything about it.....the man I loved and who loved me for over 30 yrs was taken from me...there is nothing that will ever be worse than that and so any little day to day issues that are part of life are minimized in their importance in the big picture.
I was and still am incredibly proud of myself but also today is bringing on a small wave of saddness....my drama queen persona had always been problematic in our marriage...sure he dealt with it..but it was not pretty sometimes....and I just hope that he sees how I have changed..he would be so happy...and right now it seems a little too late...he always wanted for me to just be content with myself and my life and I just could never get there...and now that it seems I have...he is not there for me to share it with...and that makes me sad.
Still ahead on my "to do" list is to get back to work.,....its mandatory for several reasons...mostly for my emotional health...my plan is to have that problem remedied by the new year.
Its all a work in progress....but for today I am in control and content with me....and I know that I didn't get here alone....I just know it!