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kc12
Posts: 11
Joined: Jun 2009

It has been a little over a year since I lost my Mom on September 2nd 2009. I still cry every single day and I cannot control it. My Mom was my best friend and the person that I went to for everything. While I cannot say internally that the pain and grieving have gotten any better, I believe I have found a way to deal with it so that it does not affect my everyday relationships as it had been.

I want so badly to make a positive change in my life as a result of my Mom's passing. I want it to change me. I want to become a better person and do all of the things I want to do. However I believe that her passing has done just the opposite. I am no longer the nice loving girl that I was when she was alive. So much of me died with her and I can't get it back. I don't know what it is I need to allow myself to make this change. My Mom was so concerned about me going on and living a happy life that I want to do that for her....but without her I can't.

I guess I just needed to vent and see if anyone has advice or stories of how they moved on to be happy again. I just can't get there. My Mom was it for me and now even though I have supportive family and friends it feels like there is no one because nobody comes anywhere close to listening to me and talking to me like she did!! I miss her so much, and still cannot believe she is gone.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1270
Joined: Aug 2010

kc, I am sorry you are having such a hard time over the loss of your mother. This is probably one of the most difficult losses most of us suffer. Our mothers are so often the hub of our existence. I have two daughters, ages 30 and 27, and a son who is 24. I am close to my children and I have often worried that I haven't given them what they need to move forward should something happen to me.

For me, it was my father. I lost him to cancer when I was 28 years old and it was very difficult. He was my best friend, my mentor and the one person who loved me unconditionally.

Everyone takes a different path to recovering from the loss of a loved one but I would say you have struggled on your own long enough, kc. Have you tried bereavement groups or speaking to your minister, or a close relative? Please don't hesitate to seek professional counseling or see your doctor for help. It may be you just need an anti-depressant to get your started in the right direction. Sometimes our brains cannot stop producing chemicals we don't need.

It is obvious your mother gave the world a loving, sweet daughter. As a mother, I do not want to see you continue to struggle with this loss. It is time to embrace it and take steps toward moving forward and feeling as though you have incorporated the loss into your being but not feel as though it is who you are or what you are about.

Do what you know your mother would want you to do, kc: get some help. Now.

Let us hear from you.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

First, let me say how sorry I am that you are having such a hard time. Second, I would say don't let artificial deadlines like one year fool you. I lost my husband in October of last year. I can tell you that one year isn't long enough to "get over" the death of a loved one. I am not sure that we ever truly get over it. We do need to learn to live with it and try to make our lives better because of or in spite of our loss. For me, I hear my husband's voice reminding me to leave a bigger tip, share more, and to let the little grievances go. I do believe that that voice inside of me has made me a better person. Try to find ways you can honor your mother. What did she teach you? What would she want you to be doing today. Sometimes we have to do not just think. Try saying and doing what you can do. Don't let can't rule your life. If you cannot do this on your own, I would agree that you need to seek help. I have had the advantage of a cancer support group that both my husband and I went to and that I continue to attend. I also have a strong church community that has been very supportive in addition to friends and family. At times, we all need professional help either in terms of counseling or meds. Seeking help is a sign of strength not weakness. I am sure that your mom would encourage you to do whatever you need to do to live that life she wanted for you. You might try writing a journal or letters to your mom. She is still watching over you and will always be with you in your heart and memory. Fay

EKIDD2
Posts: 11
Joined: May 2010

Hello,

First, I just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss because I also lost my mom last May to breast cancer. I have been having a really difficult time. I don't cry everyday, but I do cry a lot and I have moments of sadness every day. Some days, I just cannot believe she is gone. It seems to much to bare.

I have also been trying to do something positive in the wake of her passing. I find it so hard since I can't tell her about it and have a conversation. But, I know she'd want me to happy and inspiring and not sad and angry all the time. Right after my mom passed away, I chose to travel to Madrid, Spain to live with a host family and to teach English as a second language. That has been a really positive experience for me....Im stil sad alot but there's so much to think about here, that I find myself not only focusing on the sadness.

Our mothers were one of a kind angels. No one could ever take their place. I know I'll think about mine and miss her everyday, but I hope that eventually I am comforted by her memory.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever want to talk, I'm here!

Elizabeth

EKIDD2
Posts: 11
Joined: May 2010

Hello,

First, I just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss because I also lost my mom last May to breast cancer. I have been having a really difficult time. I don't cry everyday, but I do cry a lot and I have moments of sadness every day. Some days, I just cannot believe she is gone. It seems to much to bare.

I have also been trying to do something positive in the wake of her passing. I find it so hard since I can't tell her about it and have a conversation. But, I know she'd want me to happy and inspiring and not sad and angry all the time. Right after my mom passed away, I chose to travel to Madrid, Spain to live with a host family and to teach English as a second language. That has been a really positive experience for me....Im stil sad alot but there's so much to think about here, that I find myself not only focusing on the sadness.

Our mothers were one of a kind angels. No one could ever take their place. I know I'll think about mine and miss her everyday, but I hope that eventually I am comforted by her memory.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever want to talk, I'm here!

Elizabeth

kc12
Posts: 11
Joined: Jun 2009

Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. I have not yet tried support groups but I have been looking into one that starts in January and is run through our local Hospice, who helped us out so much at the end of my Mother's life.

I am not opposed to finding a Doctor that may be able to help me I just don't know where to start. I do not want to take medication. I think my next step will be to call a women we worked closely with at Hospice and ask for her help.

I just am in disbelief every single day that my Mom is gone. I'm 28 and many things are happening in my life that I don't even want to go through without her. The scariest of all is thinking of having kids without her. She was so important and involved in my niece and nephews lives that I feel like even though they won't know it...my children will miss out so terribly. I guess it is just hard to believe that for every overwhelmingly happy day in my life to look forward to...wedding...having children...there will also be a overwhelming sadness. Like I wrote my Mom in letters and told her before she died, she was without question the most important person in my life. I just can't see this life getting any easier.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Kc12,
So sorry you lost your mom. My mom died in 1989 and I still miss her so much. It's so hard when something happens & you can't call her anymore. My dad died in 1990 and that was also hard although he had been sick for awhile. But since they both died at Christmas time, it's never been the same. And now this year will be the 1st Christmas without my husband cause he died in March after being sick only 2 months. Cancer sucks, that's all I can say.
Don't be afraid to take medication. You only need to be on it till you can handle things better. I didn't want to go on anything either, but it has helped so much. I also see a counselor individually which is great. Wish I would've done known about that service after my mom died. Hang in there & keep coming to this board for support!!! "Carole"

Noellesmom
Posts: 1270
Joined: Aug 2010

kc, you seem like a bright, loving person.

Look around you: there are people you admire and maybe even love who went through a loss at your age of a parent or other loved one. They are moving forward with their lives even in the absence of that very special person.

Life goes on and you will have sweet times, good times, special times. Your mother may not be there to share them physically with you, and you may struggle, but you will come out on the other side, Honey.

Life is what it is, kc. It is a progression of events and lives and you don't want to miss out on a single thing. Dance the dance your mother taught you.

As a mother of someone your age, I promise you that is what I would want for my precious children. I would NOT want them to let their memory of me to do anything but propel them forward into the wonderful life I know is waiting.

I wish I could give you a hug and convince you it is going to be okay - that you are going to be okay, kc. Because you are.

Be gentle with yourself. And go get that help. It is waiting for you - use it.

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

Please....help and allow yourself to be helped. Hospice was wonderful through the last of times and they are there for you now. I am going through 2 different ones....as group therapy and one-on-one therapy. They are there to explain why and what you are going through and let you know that you will not go crazy and everyone is different. If nothing else, they will guide you and let you know that everything you are feeling and going through is perfectly normal and give you great suggestions on how to to deal with certain things. Please seek out the help that is available because I can pretty much assure you, it will help!

Good luck and God bless....Gayle

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5259
Joined: Oct 2010

I love my mom 4 years ago NOV 1...and my dad 32 yrs in Jan..I still think of them daily..some sad days..but I try to focus on the GOOD I had..I lost my dad when I was 19..instead of dwelling how young I was...I LOOK at I had a great dad for 19 good yrs..

but VENT away...

kc12
Posts: 11
Joined: Jun 2009

I'm trying to seek out some support groups...I email for info. and then they call me but I just can't call back for some reason. I don't know what my problem is.

I'm still planning on calling Hospice back to get in to a support group I just don't know when. Everyday is different so I'm never sure what to do.

Everyday I hope to quit my job and go back to school to be a teacher, but I can't make myself do that either.... it's too expensive. And before my Mom died we talked about this and I asked her one last time if I should go back to school and she said "no" so that is what I keep hearing in my head. :( I never know what to do with anything.

All I know is I need to get out of this workplace because the way it is run and the way I am treated make me feel like a horrible person!!

Auggghhh. Nothing is easy.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1270
Joined: Aug 2010

It is called depression. May not be the long-lasting, take you down kind of depression, kc, but it sure sounds like depression. Can't move forward, no way to go back.

Find that support group, start going and let the rest of your schedule fall into place around your needs and taking care of them. I didn't say stop going to work: you need that to keep some regime going in your life. But definitely find a group and GET GOING!

Call your family physician or go to a doc-in-the-box if you have to. You need to get some serious help so you can get yourself read to move forward.

Going back to school is never a mistake. Not sure what your mom had in mind unless she was thinking of your financial stability after she was gone.

Hugs to you, kc.

kc12
Posts: 11
Joined: Jun 2009

I agree it is depression to an extent, I am due for a yearly check up so I will talk with my Doctor then about a referral or something.

I know going back to school would not be a mistake and I know my Mom wouldn't think so either. What she was thinking is that she wanted me to get married and start a family soon and I don't think she thought I could do school and that at the same time. But that NO keeps playing in my head even though I know she would be proud if I went back.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1270
Joined: Aug 2010

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES...

Read that a few thousand times. Now, substitute your mother's voice saying YES!

Yes, you can get married and start a family and go to school at the same time. Yes, your mom did raise you to do all these things, just perhaps not in this order or at the same time :)

Hugs, kc.

And schedule that checkup with your doctor sooner rather than later.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Kc,
Maybe you should try going to a counselor instead of a support group. I've been seeing one since April cause my husband died in March and I felt like I was losing it. She has really helped me alot. I've heard sometimes support groups can be depressing, cause everyone is telling their sad stories. Think about it and talk to your doctor. Good luck!
"Carole"

kc12
Posts: 11
Joined: Jun 2009

Since I first posted in October many things have happened. I am now engaged and will be getting married in July! I'm very excited about it and I think I will be okay with everything but I know the moment I walk into the church without my Mom physically being there I'm going to have a really hard time. I feel as though I'd be so much happier if she was the only one there rather than have so many people that love and care about me...I really just want her. Everytime I plan something that should be the happiest thing in my life I am happy in the moment but then I absolutely break down. I bought my dress and I was happy but then I broke down. We got the bridesmaid dresses and I was happy but then I broke down. I just hate it. I'm so happy to get married and start a family but that thought also makes me so sad.

Also, with my job...which I hated and was dragging me down...I got laid off! Which is the biggest blessing in disguise. Just getting away from the negative people that surrunded me and have since my Mom's death have changed my attitude for the better so much. However, now I worry about finding another job or going back to school and not having insurance at the moment, I never pursued going to get help from a Doctor which I feel I would really benefit from.

It's always nice to vent here. I just feel like I keep it in sometimes when I shouldn't.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1270
Joined: Aug 2010

Sounds like you are moving forward - so glad to hear your good news!

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

Congratulations on the engagement. Of course you are thinking of your mom. You expected her to be a part of your wedding. Cut yourself some slack. Just tell those around you how you feel. Let your mother's memory be a part of your plans. She will always be with you. Maybe you can think of a way to include a special prayer or remembrance as part of the ceremony or reception. I can't help remembering my husband at all the special milestones and ceremonies that he would normally have been a part of. Memories of our loved ones are normal during those times. Try to accept that there will be some sad feelings along with the good ones. Then remember that your mom would want you to be happy. Fay

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

KC,
I was so happy to hear that you're engaged & getting married. I'm sure it was hard to buy a dress without your mom. She was such a big part of your life, but she would want you to be happy. Do you have a favorite Aunt who could maybe be there for you? After my mom died I always confided in my Aunt who was always like my second mother.
I also was happy to hear you got laid off from your job. Getting away from all those people who were so negative is probably the best thing for you. Take your time and you'll find a job, don't worry. As far as a doctors help, which I think maybe you meant counselor, check out the cancer center in your area. My counselor was covered by the Cancer Society. I saw her for 10 months. There's always help somewhere even if you can't afford it.
You can vent to us free, so just keep venting and don't hold it in!!!
Take care! Good luck with your wedding plans! "Carole"

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