Oct 12, 2010 - 12:17 pm
i was diagnosed with cervical cancer one year ago, but am still having a hard time of overcoming the loss from having a hysterectomy at age 28.
I had my paps every year, always clean, until last year. It was just abnormal cells, but then when they did the colposcopy, they found some pre-cancerous cells. It was adenocarcinoma, so my gynecologist talked to a cancer specialist about it, because she concerned about the type of cells and the fact that they are more aggressive. The dysplasia was only on the outside of my cervix, but the cancer specialist recommended I have a cone biopsy because of the type of cell it is.
When they did the cone biopsy, they found that I had a 3mm tumor. I had clean margins on the cone biopsy, but the cells had reached the basement membrane, so it was determined I should have a radical hysterectomy. The doctor told me I could probably wait about a year or so, if I wanted to have a baby, but I elected to have the hysterectomy right away. I was not ready to have a baby. My boyfriend and I are not financially stable yet, and it would have seemed like a rushed decision. After my hysterectomy, the pathologies all came back clean. I did not have to have any chemo or radiation.
Now a year later, I feel very happy and thankful to be here, to be healthy. But, I still feel this sense of loss. I feel this pressing weight of death. It feels hard to imagine live in a year even. I can think about the next couple months, but much beyond that seems too hard to imagine. It just is hard to imagining living for a long time. I know I can adopt kids or have kids via surrogacy, but because my finances aren't great right now, all that is hard to imagine... It is just hard to see a great purpose point to life. I feel like I'm this being who is really grateful to be alive, but who feels lost. I feel like I don't have a point. Lots of people love me and I keep chugging through each day. I guess I wish I could just shake these sad feelings. I want to feel excited about everything. I try to keep as busy as possible as I find that helps me to feel more "alive" so to speak.
Has anyone else felt this way? I feel like I should feel happier because I have overcome cancer and made it one year, but I don't. I thought maybe a forum like this would help me find support and other people who understand what I'm talking about. At 29, most of my friends don't really get it.