Husband is such a disappointment
He has been no help while I am going thru chemo. Housework and meals were still my responsibility. Yes he can say he took me to every chemo but he forgets to mention he leaves and I have to call him to come and get me when I am done.
Our 30th annerversary was Tuesday and he didn't even say a word about it. Of course we haven't had sex since I started chemo. To be honest he equates a good marriage with having sex alot.
Comments
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Im so sorry ...my heart goes out to you!
Sweetvicki thats just not right...your husband should be with YOU thru surgeries and chemo and helpin you around the house. YOU should be his first priority. I just dont know what else to say other than that is a major DISAPOINTMENT...unfortantly it takes a special kind of man to go thru this with us.0 -
sweetvicki...i had that kind
sweetvicki...i had that kind of husband...always the good guy for everyone else and a total a** with me and my kid...HE got all the outpouring and sympathy through my bc...and THEY all thought I was the thing from hell...i didn't have as much time invested as you, but even after the divorce he still uses evil me for sympathy...trust me, they don't change as time goes on...just irritates me how they are just SUCH the man for all of their worthless loser friends...sorry sweetpea...love, shy0 -
My 2nd husband was just likeshy violet said:sweetvicki...i had that kind
sweetvicki...i had that kind of husband...always the good guy for everyone else and a total a** with me and my kid...HE got all the outpouring and sympathy through my bc...and THEY all thought I was the thing from hell...i didn't have as much time invested as you, but even after the divorce he still uses evil me for sympathy...trust me, they don't change as time goes on...just irritates me how they are just SUCH the man for all of their worthless loser friends...sorry sweetpea...love, shy
My 2nd husband was just like that. Good on the outside total jerk behind closed doors. Of course now he wants to be involved in everything. To which which I answer NO!!!!!0 -
So Sorry!
Men can be dogs! This must really hurt your feelings, make you mad, and cause considerable stress that you don't need right now. **** him, just do what you need to do to take care of yourself! Sorry, but it makes me mad too...Love and hugs..Alison0 -
I think it is our warrior
I think it is our warrior survivor sister Seof ( and if not, please forgive me!) who says she lost her husband to cancer...she got cancer, he got lost. I have another dear friend from CSN whos husband drove her to the hospital for her mastectomy~literally, the last time she saw him was when she was on the gurney being taken to the OR. He went home, cleaned the place out and fled like a man on fire.
The excuses are myriad~I say excuses, because I don't in my heart think that there are any valid REASONS for such dispicable behaviour. Men often have difficulties with this, I get that. Generally, men fix and women nurture. We step up and make casseroles, write out the Christmas cards, organize the car pools, do a girls night out, fill in the blanks. Men...well, the ones who can't or won't step up to the plate eiher get angry, or abdicate, or both. Sadly, it seems your husband is in the latter category.
It is time for you to do some deep soul searching and see what it is YOU want. I wouldn't dare tell you what to do, or what decisions are best for you. That is something for you to come to terms with.
But know this~ we are a strong, united, compassionate sisterhood~ we hug you and support you every step of the way on your journey to a happy, complete, fullfilling Life After Cancer.
Peace,
Chen♥0 -
You just described
my father. He would totally go out of his way for everyone, that is everyone but us, his family.
With us he tried to get away with as little as possible. It used to puzzle the hell out of me as
a kids, was he nice or was he not? Later on as I got older I knew he was just not a good human
being. My father maybe but still not a good human being, I learned to separate the two.
So is this behavior with your husband new or has he always been that way?
It's unacceptable that he didn't do anything for your 30th anniversary. That is a big day,
especially after a diagnosis, every day counts and is very special. Have you tried talking to him?
About the sex.... now he'll just have to understand that that maybe a little dangerous, I would
think. Heck with all the chemicals his weenie may melt.. AND more importantly, he should
know by now that there's so much more to you than just sex.
Hugs,
Ayse0 -
SweetVicKidaysemari said:You just described
my father. He would totally go out of his way for everyone, that is everyone but us, his family.
With us he tried to get away with as little as possible. It used to puzzle the hell out of me as
a kids, was he nice or was he not? Later on as I got older I knew he was just not a good human
being. My father maybe but still not a good human being, I learned to separate the two.
So is this behavior with your husband new or has he always been that way?
It's unacceptable that he didn't do anything for your 30th anniversary. That is a big day,
especially after a diagnosis, every day counts and is very special. Have you tried talking to him?
About the sex.... now he'll just have to understand that that maybe a little dangerous, I would
think. Heck with all the chemicals his weenie may melt.. AND more importantly, he should
know by now that there's so much more to you than just sex.
Hugs,
Ayse
I can't add
SweetVicKid
I can't add anything new to what has been said. I think that Chen, as always, hit the nail on the head. I just want to say that you deserve so much more from a spouse than this.
Stef0 -
that just sucks! i know i
that just sucks! i know i can't make anything better, but just know you are not alone. we are all here for you. vent all you want. any time.
was he like this before you got sick? it is totally unacceptable that he didn't even say a word about your anniversary. you should be celebrating. celebrating that you are here!
stay strong
*hugs*
carrie 0 -
I'm Sorry he's a jerk
Tell him I just lost my wife on the 29th of September and buried her yesterday. I felt it an honor to be with her during her surgery, chemo, and cryed when I couldn't stop the cancer or her pain.0 -
Some men just suck at emotionsWalteredillsr said:I'm Sorry he's a jerk
Tell him I just lost my wife on the 29th of September and buried her yesterday. I felt it an honor to be with her during her surgery, chemo, and cryed when I couldn't stop the cancer or her pain.
as dispicable as this behaviour is, men just arent often eqquiped to deal with this type of thing. Especially when they have been raised to not deal with emotions. Im not making excuses but I see it often. Some men on the otherhand, like walter are amazing in times of adversity. My husbands father never paid any attention to him growning up but took his cousins fishing and camping. my husband is affected by this to this day!
Stay strong and tell your man what you need from him.
x0 -
Romantic Relationships...
Romantic relationships are complicated at times like this. I had a cancer counselor tell me that no man would want me unless I had breast reconstruction. I told him he was an a** and terrible at his job. I'm in a relationship now with a kind and gentle man who wants me dispite the scar. Is he perfect? No. There have been times when I felt he wanted me to stay weak and not regain all my strength and confidence. Sometimes I think he likes the idea of me being dependent on him, so I keep up my guard and don't get too emotionally involved.
I see people in relationships that appear to be truly two-who-have-become-one through sickness and health. But, I"m OK if I never experience that...again. I feel like I had it with my husband who died of leukemia in 2000, but in that case I was the caregive. Would he have done the same when I fought breast cancer in 2009? I honestly don't know. He wasn't perfect either. Neither am I...when he was sick I relied heavily on an ex-boyfriend for emotional support. Our relationship never got physical but I never told my husband about it either. He would not have like it.
Life is complicated...
v.0 -
So sorryVictoria1566 said:Romantic Relationships...
Romantic relationships are complicated at times like this. I had a cancer counselor tell me that no man would want me unless I had breast reconstruction. I told him he was an a** and terrible at his job. I'm in a relationship now with a kind and gentle man who wants me dispite the scar. Is he perfect? No. There have been times when I felt he wanted me to stay weak and not regain all my strength and confidence. Sometimes I think he likes the idea of me being dependent on him, so I keep up my guard and don't get too emotionally involved.
I see people in relationships that appear to be truly two-who-have-become-one through sickness and health. But, I"m OK if I never experience that...again. I feel like I had it with my husband who died of leukemia in 2000, but in that case I was the caregive. Would he have done the same when I fought breast cancer in 2009? I honestly don't know. He wasn't perfect either. Neither am I...when he was sick I relied heavily on an ex-boyfriend for emotional support. Our relationship never got physical but I never told my husband about it either. He would not have like it.
Life is complicated...
v.
Hearing things like this just make me angry. While you are getting better you may want to think about what you want to do. My husband is a very selfish person, and yes he hasn't been the best support, but he is making progress, and is changing since I let him know I am over his ways. Our 15 year anniv. is the 14th I'm curious to see what he does.
I wish you the best, take care of you, and get stronger.
Jennifer0 -
Sorry and Understandms.sunshine said:So sorry
Hearing things like this just make me angry. While you are getting better you may want to think about what you want to do. My husband is a very selfish person, and yes he hasn't been the best support, but he is making progress, and is changing since I let him know I am over his ways. Our 15 year anniv. is the 14th I'm curious to see what he does.
I wish you the best, take care of you, and get stronger.
Jennifer
I am still amazed at how husbands can be so helpful to others and be so insensitive to their own family. My husband tells me he loves me, but in the same conversation will tell me that I am lazy for not taking care of business during my surgeries and chemo. He feels that he is the one on the short end of the stick during my illness. He feels that he is very supportive, but would rather not talk to me about anything but his problems most of the time. I have to seek out other people for any kind of emotional support. I hope that you can find some one to lend a supportive ear for you. You need to find people to look to for support and love. Wishing you the best.0 -
My husband did the exact
My husband did the exact same thing!! Our ten year anniversary was 3-3-10, I got nothing. He was fooling around with his ex during my bilateral mastectomy, in fact he was "sexting" her while visiting me in the hospital. My surgery (bilateral mastectomy, both ovaries, and immediate reconstruction with lattisimus flap, 7 hour operation) was 2-11-10 and I was moved out my 3-26-10. Now in my own apartment and doing just fine. There are men out there who are absolutely amazing and it's the ones like this who make 'em look bad. I know of a couple men who would do anything for there loved ones ANYTHING, they really step up to the plate in troubled times, that's what a girl needs and deserves. You keep your chin up and just keep plugging away. Listen to your heart, search your soul, you'll get beyond this and be happy with or without your spouse. Big Hugs!!!
~Kari0 -
Gotta love my husband.....
But I think he's just like every other guy I know. He has that "Will you hurry up and get better; I'm tired!" attitude. Weeeellll guess what?
I'm really sorry that you have to deal with any of this. Come here and complain any time, makes us all feel like we aren't the only ones putting up with attitudes!
Peace and Love, Edie
P.S. Chen that was soooo funny; much needed for the day!!0 -
I agree with Ayse
I'm in full agreement with Ayse. Melt his weenie!! Men can be so self-centered. Hope you get better soon and get through all your chemo. What do you need him for? You're strong girl. You'll get through this in spite of him. Hang in there.
HUGS & PRAYERS
Skipper850 -
Hugs
You are right, your husband should have been by your side from the very beginning. Some people are weak and crumple under pressure. Sometimes it takes situations like say... cancer, to show they are flawed. Please know that we are with you in spirit and prayer. Sending you CYBER HUGS.
BL0 -
sorry, not mechenheart said:I think it is our warrior
I think it is our warrior survivor sister Seof ( and if not, please forgive me!) who says she lost her husband to cancer...she got cancer, he got lost. I have another dear friend from CSN whos husband drove her to the hospital for her mastectomy~literally, the last time she saw him was when she was on the gurney being taken to the OR. He went home, cleaned the place out and fled like a man on fire.
The excuses are myriad~I say excuses, because I don't in my heart think that there are any valid REASONS for such dispicable behaviour. Men often have difficulties with this, I get that. Generally, men fix and women nurture. We step up and make casseroles, write out the Christmas cards, organize the car pools, do a girls night out, fill in the blanks. Men...well, the ones who can't or won't step up to the plate eiher get angry, or abdicate, or both. Sadly, it seems your husband is in the latter category.
It is time for you to do some deep soul searching and see what it is YOU want. I wouldn't dare tell you what to do, or what decisions are best for you. That is something for you to come to terms with.
But know this~ we are a strong, united, compassionate sisterhood~ we hug you and support you every step of the way on your journey to a happy, complete, fullfilling Life After Cancer.
Peace,
Chen♥
This is seof, I am not the one who lost my husband to cancer. I thank God that I have been blessed with a very supportive, loving spouse who is still very much around. Those others who behave as you describe are selfish cowards at best. I agree that your best option at this point is to focus on taking care of yourself, whatever that means. Find someplace to get in touch with people who will support you and look to the future.
Take care of yourself, seof0
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