Sadly is time for me to switch gears...this thing has me in is cross hairs and unless I face off with it I will never be whole again.
The past couple of weeks have been rough...thinking the new car was the beginning of it all..but anyway...my emotions have been all over the map and my choices and decisions less than stellar...I thought that the new car would open a path for me..when in fact what it did was take the top off the pressure cooker...a real pandora's box !
This past week-end I resigned from my job...the memories associated with working in the medical field were for me unbearable after a time..that and the facility I chose to work in is one that fosters fear in their employees as a way to control them...the stress was more than I could take.
I had given two weeks notice...but now today I had a major meltdown...became totally non-functional...the grief and memories were smothering me.....the one thing I knew clearly is that I had no right to be caring for patients in my current state...I was unsafe...I knew I could not go back there today or at least until I get myself sorted out and after a few phone calls...my employment is done...least for now..and for sure not there.
I am done trying to handle this alone....I thought I was functioning well...I was not..my inner compass was way off....I need to find me !
I called my primary in hysteric's today....I need help...to tomorrow I go to see her and she will do some referrals and start some meds....this is so not what I wanted...but truth is that without something radical happening I will never again be whole...my berevement group has been helpful but now its time for the big guns...one on one with meds...
I see folks on here talking about dating and stuff and makes me wonder if I will ever again have a day when thoughts of Bill don't start my day..I just don't know how people move on so fast...but maybe with therapy and medications I will find my way out of this.
Coming here for me has been both a gift and a curse...I get some real good tips on handling things but on the other hand I read some of how good some are doing and it makes me feel like I am stuck in neutral...
Well wish me luck tomorrow...right now I am scared to death!