I need you guys today.
Options
Lilmiss82
Member Posts: 257 Member
I will apologize in advance. This might to to much info for some and it's a little long but I can't stop crying over this. I wrote this on a blog that I update daily and of course friends and family have read it, but they don't really get it if you know what I mean? I know you guys will and would love/need to hear some positive words right now. Thanks
So one year ago this week, possibly even one year ago today I had surgery to remove my primary tumor in the rectum (GROSS I said rectum
) about 14 lymph nodes and to remove the metatsic lesion in my liver. Today no signs of disease show in my blood, liver or any other organ. I know that I was very fortunate to be operable, but some days are full of sunshine some days are thunderstorms. Today I brewed a storm. I am a human and I am allowed to have feelings of sadness, despair and hopelessness. So PLEASE PLEASE do not confuse this with a PITY PARTY.I just need to share with someone, anyone why today is a "rainy day". SO if you can lend me your ear and a shoulder to cry on I would like to share my day with you.
Today I saw my OB/GYN.
So some of you know that I have severe damage from radiation and my OB/GYN has concluded that reconstructive surgery is indeed necessary. I will not go into detail what that means but you can use your imagination. That doesn't bother me, what pains my heart and made me break down in tears in my OBs office was pregnant women EVERYWHERE! I know, I know I have my Embryos right? But here's the thing. It is almost certain that my ovaries have completely shut down due to the radiation and may NEVER be able to work again. I know some women are thrilled about never menstruating again. In fact, many of us young women use birth control to prevent pregnancy, and cease menstruation to concentrate on furthering our careers, personal relationships, etc and babies are put on the back burner, because we know that we can always have that option later. But imagine if you that option to wait later is gone, that your opportunity is taken from you overnight and there is nothing you can do to change your circumstances? I still have yet to accept this as part of my life. In fact, I don't want to except this and pray nightly for some miracle to take place and remove all damages created by my cancer treatments, but seriously? What am I doing? Again some will say, don't worry you have options, you have embryos! Some people don't ever get the chance to freeze embryos like I did, so yes, thank you God for giving me that opportunity, but here's the big catch. I may not be able to ever use them. I may never to able to stop chemo, also implanting them is not cheap, and a surrogate? An agency for surrogates estimates cost between $60,000-100,000! Are you kidding me! I spoke to a social worker regarding my dilemma this week , and I want to share what she told me. My main concern is how long do I have to stay on Avastin and overall Who gets to decide when I get to stop treatment? Her response was: "Melissa your situation is very unique since you are so young. Most women do not have the same dilemmas you have since cancer occurs later in other women's lives and they already have completed their families. You really didn't get the opportunity to try or if you decided early on that children weren't on your to do list, you still could have changed your mind but now you can't. You will be the one to tell your doctor when you think treatment is enough for you but you need to live your life constantly saying WHAT IF.... (I kid you not these are her words.) You need to say what if you get pregnant and your cancer progresses both you and the baby could possibly die, or what if it's early in the pregnancy and disease progresses and an abortion is necessary or what if you have successful have a baby but the disease come back and you leave the child motherless? OUCH! These are tough questions. I hate it! But venting has made me feel sooooo much better. I will have an appointmnet with my oncologist Monday and need to get her answers to these questions and will let you all know what she thinks. For now I'm just gonna say thank you for letting me share this, thank you for understanding. I know life is unfair and everyone carries their our crosses. Some days, like today that cross felt heavy, but having the love of friends and family lessens the weight. Love you all- Melissa
P.S. On Wednesday Sept. 22 Sam and I celebrated our 3 Year anniversary! One crazy year to get through but we are hoping for many more together
So one year ago this week, possibly even one year ago today I had surgery to remove my primary tumor in the rectum (GROSS I said rectum
) about 14 lymph nodes and to remove the metatsic lesion in my liver. Today no signs of disease show in my blood, liver or any other organ. I know that I was very fortunate to be operable, but some days are full of sunshine some days are thunderstorms. Today I brewed a storm. I am a human and I am allowed to have feelings of sadness, despair and hopelessness. So PLEASE PLEASE do not confuse this with a PITY PARTY.I just need to share with someone, anyone why today is a "rainy day". SO if you can lend me your ear and a shoulder to cry on I would like to share my day with you.Today I saw my OB/GYN.
So some of you know that I have severe damage from radiation and my OB/GYN has concluded that reconstructive surgery is indeed necessary. I will not go into detail what that means but you can use your imagination. That doesn't bother me, what pains my heart and made me break down in tears in my OBs office was pregnant women EVERYWHERE! I know, I know I have my Embryos right? But here's the thing. It is almost certain that my ovaries have completely shut down due to the radiation and may NEVER be able to work again. I know some women are thrilled about never menstruating again. In fact, many of us young women use birth control to prevent pregnancy, and cease menstruation to concentrate on furthering our careers, personal relationships, etc and babies are put on the back burner, because we know that we can always have that option later. But imagine if you that option to wait later is gone, that your opportunity is taken from you overnight and there is nothing you can do to change your circumstances? I still have yet to accept this as part of my life. In fact, I don't want to except this and pray nightly for some miracle to take place and remove all damages created by my cancer treatments, but seriously? What am I doing? Again some will say, don't worry you have options, you have embryos! Some people don't ever get the chance to freeze embryos like I did, so yes, thank you God for giving me that opportunity, but here's the big catch. I may not be able to ever use them. I may never to able to stop chemo, also implanting them is not cheap, and a surrogate? An agency for surrogates estimates cost between $60,000-100,000! Are you kidding me! I spoke to a social worker regarding my dilemma this week , and I want to share what she told me. My main concern is how long do I have to stay on Avastin and overall Who gets to decide when I get to stop treatment? Her response was: "Melissa your situation is very unique since you are so young. Most women do not have the same dilemmas you have since cancer occurs later in other women's lives and they already have completed their families. You really didn't get the opportunity to try or if you decided early on that children weren't on your to do list, you still could have changed your mind but now you can't. You will be the one to tell your doctor when you think treatment is enough for you but you need to live your life constantly saying WHAT IF.... (I kid you not these are her words.) You need to say what if you get pregnant and your cancer progresses both you and the baby could possibly die, or what if it's early in the pregnancy and disease progresses and an abortion is necessary or what if you have successful have a baby but the disease come back and you leave the child motherless? OUCH! These are tough questions. I hate it! But venting has made me feel sooooo much better. I will have an appointmnet with my oncologist Monday and need to get her answers to these questions and will let you all know what she thinks. For now I'm just gonna say thank you for letting me share this, thank you for understanding. I know life is unfair and everyone carries their our crosses. Some days, like today that cross felt heavy, but having the love of friends and family lessens the weight. Love you all- Melissa
P.S. On Wednesday Sept. 22 Sam and I celebrated our 3 Year anniversary! One crazy year to get through but we are hoping for many more together
0
Comments
-
So Sorry this is happening
So Sorry this is happening to you, as though cancer is not enough. As a Mom and a Nana, I know this has to be tough on you. Hang in there! So sorry for your pain, Nana!
On a side note.
I have a BFF who has a daughter (my god daughter) that can't see to conceive, and I think all the time, "if only I could carry this child for her!!"0 -
Thank youNana b said:So Sorry this is happening
So Sorry this is happening to you, as though cancer is not enough. As a Mom and a Nana, I know this has to be tough on you. Hang in there! So sorry for your pain, Nana!
On a side note.
I have a BFF who has a daughter (my god daughter) that can't see to conceive, and I think all the time, "if only I could carry this child for her!!"
You are very kind. Infertility is very tough not only for those who personally deal with it but also for the ones who have to see their loved ones hurt by it. We should get some sleep I guess I can blame menopause for the insomnia LOL! 0 -
I was sound a sleep andLilmiss82 said:Thank you
You are very kind. Infertility is very tough not only for those who personally deal with it but also for the ones who have to see their loved ones hurt by it. We should get some sleep I guess I can blame menopause for the insomnia LOL!
I was sound a sleep and suddenly woke up, most have know there was a post to respond to....lol. Take care! Going to bed too.0 -
First and foremost, DO NOT
First and foremost, DO NOT ever apologize for your feelings! We all have the rainy days whether it is about infertitilty, our treatments, our families or that we are just plain done dealing with and talking about cancer.
I wish I could have some words of wisdom for you regarding your problem, I cannot begin to imagine how this feels for you. I have not had to deal with this type of issue so I won"t even offer sugggestions or anything, as I don't know.
What I do know is that you are a lucky woman, you had the foresight to plan ahead, and you are alive! And if the grand scheme of things, you are still here to have these problems. So life is not working out the way you planned it, and this sucks.
Go ahead and cry, kick and scream, you have to take the time to mourn this loss and then pick yourself up and keep going. You will find the answers that are right for you, on e way or another.
BIG HUGS to you!
Stay Strong!
Kathy0 -
What a lot to have to deal with.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. As women our ability to conceive, carry children and give birth is so much a part of our identity. Many of us plan our lives and who we will become with this making up a major portion of our lives. To lose this is to lose a part of who we aspire to be.
Your feelings are totally valid and please take the time to feel them all so that you can deal with those very tough questions that your social worker brought up. Anytime you have to perhaps let go of these things it is necessary to grieve. And remember that is a process, it takes time. The questions she brought up for you I am sure are questions that were there lurking in the back of your mind that are so painful for you right now. Maybe you hadn’t yet been ready to address them in whole. But, they are there none the less. It’s perfectly normal to need to feel and express what you are going through. It’s very similar to the pending death of a loved one. It’s possibly the pending death of your dreams of what you planned for yourself and your life, of your children that you already planned as part of your life. You are dealing with these possibilities right now. It's a lot.
Let it out in any way that you can. We are here for you and will receive you with loving arms so you can do whatever you need to do to get through this tough time. You will get no judgments on your feelings from me. We never know what lies ahead on our journey in this life. Feel your feelings and make whatever decisions you have to make that work for you and remember to be flexible because things can change when you least expect it.
Sometimes it helps me to remind myself that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. I don’t always know how the next thread of my life will change the texture but, I know that I am creating a wonderful fabric to comprise the tapestry of my life. So are you. I am saying a prayer for you that you are able to find some comfort and grace.0 -
So sorry
Dear Melissa,
First of all, I am glad you posted your feelings. You are right that no one outside the circle of those diagnosed with cancer, no matter how caring or loving, can feel the full impact of what this disease does to us emotionally.
I only agree with a portion of what your social worker said, and that is the part of being concerned about cancer progression if you were pregnant. That is something you and your husband would have to discuss ahead of time as to what choices you might make. As for the possibility of leaving a child motherless...well that could happen to anyone for a lot of other reasons other than cancer.
Like all major issues in life this one will seem a bit easier to approach in small steps rather than giant leaps. You took the first step by saving your eggs before treatment. You gave yourself the option of having future children. Each step will guide you to the next question you and your hubby will have to answer, such as will you have the reconstructive surgery if you cannot get off chemo.
If for some reason you cannot get off chemo, don't give up just yet. As with the research for a cure for cancer, an answer may be just around the corner regarding options for you to have a child. Who knows you may win the lottery!
Again, glad you posted and I hope the responses you get help to lighten the burdens.
Hugs,
Marie who loves kitties0 -
The full impact takes time to hit....
No one here ever discounts the kind of feelings you are having. Whether we lovingly term it 'pity party' or not, these are real-live emotions, and are part of the battle!!! I still, almost 6 years later, have my very dark thoughts...my coping mechanism is to point fun at it, but it's all serious stuff...the 'what if's', as you pointed out....
My beau is an ob/gyn. The surrogate service he uses, 'from soup to nuts', runs about $20,000-40,000. But he also suggested maybe a friend or a family member would be willing to help you, and that is much, much less expensive.
Or, at the extreme, what about adopting? There are some very cute kids out there, in desperate need (some from women, as you pointed out, that lost their battle to cancer, and the rest of the family can't cope...).
The effects of cancer and it's treatment go waaaaay beyond the chemo/rads/surgery. The trauma symptoms last alot longer, and, to be honest, the physical (my bowel still gives me trouble, at times) damage is sometimes permanent. A good example just happened to me...sounds minor, but we were at the local fair yesterday. Popcorn EVERYWHERE!!! I LOVED popcorn, in my pre-cancer life. I eat it now, and it causes immediate, searing pain. So, I lifted my chin, and walked away from the vendors selling this bit of heaven.
I think you have a good handle on your life. The old expression 'choosing your battles' is what is necessary, and what you are doing. As days pass, at least in my experience (being 2 years ahead of you), your life becomes more settled.
But, again, I never, never discount my feelings of saddness or remorse. In that regard, you are responding in a very healthy way. I'm proud of you, it's what it takes...
In the final analysis, it is what it is, and each day, even tho not the way any of us planned it to be, is STILL another day of breathing and living and loving the people around us...me, I'll take every one I can get!!!
BIG hugs, Kathi0 -
LilmissKathiM said:The full impact takes time to hit....
No one here ever discounts the kind of feelings you are having. Whether we lovingly term it 'pity party' or not, these are real-live emotions, and are part of the battle!!! I still, almost 6 years later, have my very dark thoughts...my coping mechanism is to point fun at it, but it's all serious stuff...the 'what if's', as you pointed out....
My beau is an ob/gyn. The surrogate service he uses, 'from soup to nuts', runs about $20,000-40,000. But he also suggested maybe a friend or a family member would be willing to help you, and that is much, much less expensive.
Or, at the extreme, what about adopting? There are some very cute kids out there, in desperate need (some from women, as you pointed out, that lost their battle to cancer, and the rest of the family can't cope...).
The effects of cancer and it's treatment go waaaaay beyond the chemo/rads/surgery. The trauma symptoms last alot longer, and, to be honest, the physical (my bowel still gives me trouble, at times) damage is sometimes permanent. A good example just happened to me...sounds minor, but we were at the local fair yesterday. Popcorn EVERYWHERE!!! I LOVED popcorn, in my pre-cancer life. I eat it now, and it causes immediate, searing pain. So, I lifted my chin, and walked away from the vendors selling this bit of heaven.
I think you have a good handle on your life. The old expression 'choosing your battles' is what is necessary, and what you are doing. As days pass, at least in my experience (being 2 years ahead of you), your life becomes more settled.
But, again, I never, never discount my feelings of saddness or remorse. In that regard, you are responding in a very healthy way. I'm proud of you, it's what it takes...
In the final analysis, it is what it is, and each day, even tho not the way any of us planned it to be, is STILL another day of breathing and living and loving the people around us...me, I'll take every one I can get!!!
BIG hugs, Kathi
I can't fathom the thought of what you feel, only to know that I do have an idea what you think. I can understand the necessity to feel as though motherhood should be not just the ability to conceive on our own, but also to nurture children that have never had an opportunity to have a mother or father figure in their lives, and I do know about how the love between an adopted child or even a child that needs adult mentoring can create some of the best parental feelings ever imaginable. You may be a hand picked angelic figure that was created to nurture a child that needs you very much. You may have to wait to find that child but I am sure when you do he/she as well as you will certainly be the benefactor of that meeting. The world is full of children of all ages that desperately need heartfelt, heartwarming individuals like yourself, find your place in this and surround yourself with the love that only a child can show you......there are so many that so need a woman as loving as you are...the bond builds so fast they do feel as if they are your own, and in a way, they most assuredly are.......Love to you, Clift0 -
Don't give up!Buzzard said:Lilmiss
I can't fathom the thought of what you feel, only to know that I do have an idea what you think. I can understand the necessity to feel as though motherhood should be not just the ability to conceive on our own, but also to nurture children that have never had an opportunity to have a mother or father figure in their lives, and I do know about how the love between an adopted child or even a child that needs adult mentoring can create some of the best parental feelings ever imaginable. You may be a hand picked angelic figure that was created to nurture a child that needs you very much. You may have to wait to find that child but I am sure when you do he/she as well as you will certainly be the benefactor of that meeting. The world is full of children of all ages that desperately need heartfelt, heartwarming individuals like yourself, find your place in this and surround yourself with the love that only a child can show you......there are so many that so need a woman as loving as you are...the bond builds so fast they do feel as if they are your own, and in a way, they most assuredly are.......Love to you, Clift
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I don't understand why bad things have to happen to such good people, but I do believe that there is a reason that we will find out someday. I also believe that there is always hope for things to change. Don't give up your dream for having children. There are other options and things could change or unexpected blessings could turn up. Don't lose the hope and keep researching your options. I will pray that things will work out.
Hugs,
Sara0 -
My heart goes out to you
Melissa, you deserve to vent and I'm glad that you have an empathetic network in which to do so. As the parent of a 19yo son with advanced colon cancer, I've learned that you go through the stages of grief time and again....and it's ok! You are grieving losses experienced and yet to be experienced, playing out the "what ifs", "how comes" and "why fors". In no way does that mean you are having a pity party...it means that you are human and experiencing the range of emotions that come with this horrid diagnosis. Did I mention I **** HATE cancer!?! Sorry....one of my stages of grief!
As a woman, it's inate in you to want to bear a child. I'm thankful for you that you were able to harvest your babies. As another person posted, consider the option of having a friend of family member carry the baby. When I was contemplating having another baby at 44yo, I had 3 people offer to carry the baby if I was unable. Never underestimate the kindness of some people. Your post pains me because I can relate on another level. I have those same thoughts of never being a grandmother should this horrible disease take my son. As for the social worker, well, let's just say I would have given her an earful. There's a time and a place for everything and to me (others may disagree), her approach really lacked tact!
I'm sending a heartfelt {{{HUG}}} your way. You DON'T need to live your life saying "what if". There are no second acts in this lifetime.....you weigh your options carefully, make the best choice for YOU, and you live by those choices....NO REGRETS!
HAPPY ANNIVESARY TO YOU AND HUBBY....and honey, be encouraged!
Dee0 -
Dear Melissa
My heart goes out to you. You are grieving, hurting and I am sorry that you are going through this pain. And please, don't ever apologize for sharing your pain. This will help you to heal.
Thank you for letting us help carry your cross.
And Happy Anniversary to you and Sam! May you have many more happy years together.
Holding you in the Light for comfort, continued good health, and joy.
~Aud0 -
Hey there Melissa!
You are an amazing young woman to have been through what you have and to have done so well. I think you are right, no one but cancer survivors truly understand what we have gone through & continue to go through. I am guessing that many of your family members & friends are just so glad that you have done so well that they might not understand how this feels for you. You did a very smart thing by harvesing these embryos. I know it is difficult, but if you can keep going one step at a time & see what happens, it might help. If I read your message correctly, it sounds like the next step is "repair", then you can re-evaluate. Possibilities are still there for you, it sounds like, but uncertainty is also present & that is always tough. I am currently reading a book called "Secret Daughter" right now & it is about an American doctor who finds out she has gone into early menopause; they decide to adopt a baby from India. I know it is fiction but it is a good read & she has gone through some of the same thoughts you are talking about. Please know my thoughts are with you & my hopes are that your dreams will come true. Happy Anniversary, that is a wonderful accomplishment!0 -
hugs
My heart reaches out to you, dont give up!!! Although they may throw "what if's" at you, stay strong and use that as your strength.. when i discovered mine last yr my boys were 2 and 3 yrs old. The "what if's" started going through my mind. I used it as determination to be here for my boys and beat this. Although Im not in your situation, i know having the option to have children possibly taken away from you has to be devistating. Keep your head up and stay positive! Dont ever let them tell you the you "cant" anything...
Hugs and prayers to you!!!0 -
You have every right to feel
You have every right to feel sad and angry, cancer has taken so much from you. You are right people will not understand unless they too have had cancer. I never had kids, I found out I had cancer shortly after turning 40, and actually I am glad I never had them. I do not want them to have to watch what I saw when my mom died from colon cancer or for them to maybe get this horrid disease too. But it is different for you since that choice was taken from you. I am very sorry {{hugs}}0 -
So Sorrychristinecarl said:You have every right to feel
You have every right to feel sad and angry, cancer has taken so much from you. You are right people will not understand unless they too have had cancer. I never had kids, I found out I had cancer shortly after turning 40, and actually I am glad I never had them. I do not want them to have to watch what I saw when my mom died from colon cancer or for them to maybe get this horrid disease too. But it is different for you since that choice was taken from you. I am very sorry {{hugs}}
I'm so sorry about your recent turn of events. I remember when I stopped taking birth control pills because I wanted to have a baby and I never had another period turns out I was already in menopuase at 39 and didn't know it. Waited to long to have a baby and it has been my only regret in life. I totally understand that you feel ROBBED by cancer once again. I am so sorry...Laura0 -
I am so sorry
Melissa, it always makes me cry when I think about young people dealing with this beast. It has not been a walk in the park, but at least I had lived 43 relatively good years before my diagnosis; I have 2 beautiful girls and now I have one grand daughter. I can't imagine the grief you must be feeling having such an important choice taken from you. Yes, there are worse things than not being able to conceive, and there are many people who make the choice not to conceive, but to have that decision made for you, along with being left with the fallout from this disease, requiring reconstructive surgery of your female parts, that just SUCKS!!!!!!! I don't doubt that you are happy to be alive, but the cost has surely been high for you. You are obviously a very strong young woman, and I am sure you will come to the point where you will come to terms with the choices you are left with. I pray for strength and comfort for you while you work this out. I will pray that God finds an avenue for you to meet your need to nurture, whatever that journey may be; I only wish I were capable and could offer to carry your child for you.
Congratulations on your anniversary, may there be many, many, many more years of happiness for the both of you. Stay strong.
mary0 -
Hi Melissa!
I've been checking on you since you began - the first thing that strikes me is how young you are to be faced with what you have to deal with. It sure is not right but you have handled yourself marvelously throughout your struggle.
As a guy, I cannot imagine the feelings you describe, but you have given me a good sense on how you are feeling about now. It's when we begin to not have choices, that cancer feels so strangling and in control. But I like what the other ladies have said about other options that you could have.
I'm pulling for you and hope you continue to do well - and congrats on you and hubby's 3 yr anniversary - I just finished 19 years myself - doing hard time, LOL:) My wife has been through alot with me...
Many more happy days ahead for you both - your post was insightful and very revealing and I thank you for such honesty and for opening your heart so deeply.
Your Rock?
-Craig0 -
Happy Anniversary
Melissa -- Thank you for sharing all of this. I'm not sure if I have any words that might make you feel better. As others have said, perhaps adoption could be an option. I know it's not the same, but if that is your path to parenthood, the kid will be lucky to have such a strong, determined and loving mother as you.
When I first came on this board, I was pretty emotionally paralyzed with the fear of leaving my kids fatherless. Reading your posts and your story helped me get refocussed on how fortunate I am to have kids - even if it turns out that our time together is limited. I thank you for that.
I hope that you feel good soon Lilmiss83.
Take care -- Roger0 -
Yes, you can vent here, say
Yes, you can vent here, say anything you need to. i can only imagine what you are going through. Sending posivitive energy your way... Petrina0 -
l understand and share your sorrows!mommyof2kds said:Yes, you can vent here, say
Yes, you can vent here, say anything you need to. i can only imagine what you are going through. Sending posivitive energy your way... Petrina
and send you my best vibes!
Hugs.0
Discussion Boards
- All Discussion Boards
- 6 CSN Information
- 6 Welcome to CSN
- 121.2K Cancer specific
- 2.8K Anal Cancer
- 440 Bladder Cancer
- 306 Bone Cancers
- 1.6K Brain Cancer
- 28.4K Breast Cancer
- 391 Childhood Cancers
- 27.9K Colorectal Cancer
- 4.6K Esophageal Cancer
- 1.2K Gynecological Cancers (other than ovarian and uterine)
- 12.9K Head and Neck Cancer
- 6.3K Kidney Cancer
- 666 Leukemia
- 789 Liver Cancer
- 4.1K Lung Cancer
- 5.1K Lymphoma (Hodgkin and Non-Hodgkin)
- 235 Multiple Myeloma
- 7.1K Ovarian Cancer
- 53 Pancreatic Cancer
- 486 Peritoneal Cancer
- 5.3K Prostate Cancer
- 1.2K Rare and Other Cancers
- 532 Sarcoma
- 717 Skin Cancer
- 647 Stomach Cancer
- 190 Testicular Cancer
- 1.5K Thyroid Cancer
- 5.8K Uterine/Endometrial Cancer
- 6.3K Lifestyle Discussion Boards