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Dating?????

david54
Posts: 114
Joined: Apr 2009

I am not sure if this subject has been brought up before or not.

Have any of you thought about when you might date? I realize that most everyone here has recently lost their loved ones but I thought I’d throw the subject out and see what happens. Don’t worry-I’m not asking any of you out, well then again…..(LOL)

I was “Set up” the other day by a well meaning friend. He told me she was expecting a call. At first I was angry that he would do this so soon and I felt scared. But I called her and left a message out of curiosity. (Brought back memories of high school-I was sweating bullets). And I felt scared. She called back yesterday and I explained my situation. She did not realize it’s only been two months. We ended the conversation by agreeing to simply be supportive to each other and perhaps having coffee sometime. I will admit I am curious who she is and looks like.

I am lonely and need some level of companionship. This experience is harder than what I had ever anticipated. Life is strange, unknown and I feel like Rip-Van-Winkle.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

I haven't dated for over 43 years. I have had lunch with male friends. I can't even imagine dating right now. I wouldn't even know how to go about it. That might change. I don't rule anything out for the future. I'll just let life take care of itself. We have had several people lose their spouses at our church over the last few years. I have noticed that the men seem to hook up quicker than the women. That may just be a coincidence, but every one of the men have found girlfriends within a couple of years. None of the women have. Maybe it is also due to the fact that there are more widows out there than widowers. Don't let anyone push you, though. Wow, setting you up so soon seems a little pushy. Fay

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

Male companionship, yes. I cannot see much in my future concerning anything serious, however I like a man's company and attention, as most women do...widowed or not. Again, nothing anywhere near now, but this winter is going to be long and lonely, so maybe hoping there is a man out there that can handle a close friendship and not much else for a while!

ktlcs's picture
ktlcs
Posts: 360
Joined: Jan 2010

It's only been 2 months and I can't even begin to think about, nor do I want to. I have good frieds and family and that is quite enough for me. I know it sounds stupid, but I feel as if it would be some sort of betrayal. Not that I will feel this way for the rest of my life (I am barely 50) but right now..much to soon to consider

Kathy

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

This subject came up at a support group I went to tonight. My husband died 4 months ago. I am with Kathy. I have my children, family and friends. I felt like too much time was spent on starting to date again and where to find people to date. Maybe it is better to let life take its course. Why the active search for a companion?

Bobshope
Posts: 20
Joined: Jun 2009

Hi David54

As you were kind enough to post on my subject I will respond to yours. As you are aware I lost my wife 4 weeks ago and have been very lonely. I asked my oldest daughter 33 who is a social worker her thoughts on this subject. Her response was very thoughtful. Dating doesn’t mean that we are going out and marry the first person we meet. We are old enough to understand the concept of co-dependence and the dangers of moving to fast and getting hurt. The longer we are lonely the more we are likely to become more desperate to find a companion.
That being said we are not trying to replace our wife but when you lose your friend, confidant, lover and future, dating is allot better that becoming a lonly old person hating life every day.

Your Friend

Bobshope

ruthelizabeth
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

Two months after Don died, I was having lunch at the diner we always went to. Someone we'd both known just because he ate there, too, kept looking over and finally commented that I was alone. I said I was and wondered how to tell him Don had died. Finally he left and, having lost my appetite, I left a few minutes later.

He was on the sidewalk outside and struck up a conversation. I explained that Don had died two months before. He sympathized, said that his girl friend had left town and asked me out!!!

Evidently my reflexes were slow. I didn't smack him. I couldn't believe that he'd know how recently Don had died and suggest a movie.

Perhappppppps, he was just being nice. But it didn't feel that way.

As for the future, I waited 35 years for Donnie and have no interest in anyone else. People have suggested it and often it feels as if they believe that husbands are interchangeable.

That said, yes, there are some things that are meant to be shared. It's not fun to want to say, Look at that sunset! and not have anyone to say it to. And, okay, this will sound odd, but friendship with men is different than friendship with women. Maybe it's because I was raised with a brother and father. But it's just not the same. Donnie was delighted to discover that I not only watched football; I understood it. I was delighted to find someone to watch it with.

david54
Posts: 114
Joined: Apr 2009

Thanks Bob

I have had people warn me to be careful about single overzealous women who are desperate for any man with all his teeth, can see his own feet and gainfully employed. (Sorry, no offense intended to the women here-I know there are men with agendas out there too)

It's not only "Dating" per se but being single changes everything - tomorrow I am having lunch with a woman who was a friend of ours, but lets be honest, I am now single and it DOES change things and I would be naive to think she doesn't know that too. So I am hyper careful not to come across as some desperate lonely widower that wants to get laid. (Crude but I can't say it any other way). I just want company! I don't want to get married! I don't want a Mother Teresa! I simply want a friend!

I HATE losing my wife! This wasn't supposed to happen! Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be in this situation. My wife knew when I was angry, lonely, worried, happy, she knew me so well she could have called me a hundred miles away and scolded me for farting!

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

As I near the one year mark, I have had more people bring this subject up. I am not one of those women who ever felt that I had to have a man to complete me. I didn't even do a lot of dating when I was young. My husband did complete me, though. We met in college and were supposed to grow old together. My response to people who ask about dating, etc. is that I am not looking and that dating scares the heck out of me. That doesn't mean that I rule out meeting someone some day. I have kiddingly told some that I have decided that If I do decide to look, I am going to be a cougar. I'll look for a man younger than myself and in good health. I don't want to be widowed twice. It is too hard. I have a friend who has lost three husbands and is currently in a new relationship. She is much braver than I am. I can understand the need for companionship. I many ways, I think women have it easier because we socialize more with other women. Men don't do as much of that. When a single man and single woman do something, it automatically becomes a date in our society. I think that is too bad. It does put more pressure on it. I sure seem to be rambling. I guess what I am trying to say, is I wish you the best. Companionship is so important. Dating is just plain scary. Take care, Fay

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