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Well They Arrived...

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Back during a lovely spring day....Bill sat outside drinking his iced tea...and ordered flower bulbs for next spring...this is something he did every year.
My heart broke watching him do it....I knew he was not going to be here to plant them and he knew too...as I later found a "map" he put together to tell where to plant them.
Many times over the past months I thought about canceling the order before it shipped to avoid the pain of seeing them...but I just couldn't do it...it was the last thing he was able to do and it gave him comfort.
Well they arrived last week...I quickly tucked the box away...out of sight out of mind !
Opened it today and cried like a baby.
The order date was april 16 and he passed on april 21.
Right now I feel like my heart is shattered into a gazillion pieces....Will this ever get better ?
Pat

Caregiver1963's picture
Caregiver1963
Posts: 46
Joined: Jan 2010

Bingles,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know for myself memories can be so painful
but are important to process. I am hopeful for myself that the grief will be less raw with time so I am hopeful for the same thing for you!
Mary

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Bingles,
I know it must have been hard for you to see those bulbs. But plant them, so you can always remember it was the last thing your husband wanted. I lost my husband in March and there was a tree in our back yard that he wanted cut down 2 years ago cause it was so messy. Well last month I had it cut down cause I didn't want to deal with the mess. I cried like a baby with every branch they cut down. Now I look out the window at the empty spot and wonder if he looks down and says "I see she finally cut down the tree". It's not easy to go on without them, but I guess we don't have a choice. Please keep posting on here, cause I find it to be good therapy. "Carole"

Hatshepsut's picture
Hatshepsut
Posts: 340
Joined: Nov 2006

Pat:

Like you, my heart breaks when I confront things that remind me of my husband and the wonderful relationship that I lost when he died in May. I'm sure the delivery of the bulbs would have reduced me to tears, too.

Looking at the longer-range picture, though, your husband gave you a wonderful gift.. Each year, as these particular bulbs bloom, your husband will be giving you the gift of a beautiful bouquet. The fact that you found the garden map for the planting would indicate that that was his wish. What a beautiful gesture he made by ordering the bulbs for you. He must have been a wonderful man and yours must have been a wonderful relationship.

There is a woman on a gardening bulletin board that I read who posted that she has bulbs that her father left to her many years ago. She blooms his flowers each year and has a closeness to him through their beauty. Lucky you to have this enduring gift.

Hatshepsut

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

You showed me something I had not seen in the reciept of the bulbs....he was leaving me something...something that will bloom each year and with each year will be the memory of our special relationship.
He so loved flowers...espcially tulips and daffodils..he always did and it was those two flowers that he ordered.
They will get planted and I am now looking past the dreaded winter...to the bright sunny spring and my personal bouquet.
Thanks for shining a different light on things....you will never know what a difference you made.
With Eternal Thanks..
Pat

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

I was on the computer under my husband's name and came across a collage of pictures of him. Funny thing he was the one who put the collage together which was so unlike him. It made me so sad because there were pictures of him when he was first diagnosed and still looked like himself, then pictures after he was on steroids for awhile and more pictures as his disease progressed and it made me so sad. I often wonder what he was thinking, was he scared...Wish I could have him back to hold one more time. They say this will get better...when?

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1617
Joined: Aug 2009

I remember you talking about that order when your husband made it. The day after my husband died a package came in the mail that included badges. Doug collected those and this was a deal he had been working on for some time. It is hard sometimes when we think of the things they won't be here to enjoy. Crying is not a bad thing. I did a little of that today. Tomorrow will be 11 months for me. Hard to believe. He was a part of my life for so long. He is still with me in so many ways. I was reminded of that in church this morning. I missed him sitting in the congregation as I spoke. He was always there for me. I felt him there, but I still missed him. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but it was how I felt. Several people talked to me after the service. As I said in another post, one lady, a long time widow just seemed to know how I felt. She told me that it took her two years to really get it together. So I guess we are all just newbies at this. Most of you are even newer than me. We are doing the hard work of grieving. We just haven't been at it long enough. Fay

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