Update on being DEVASTATED!!

jo jo
jo jo Member Posts: 1,175
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I am still devastated over loosing my cousin/sister! Most of you probably recall the post i put up about it. Well i had to cut my vacation short to get home after i was informed of them finding her body in a cornfield about 3 miles from my house. The first thing i did was go to my aunts house which she is the one who raised me...making me and Stacy more like sisters than cousins. I was doing ok until the moment i seen my aunt and the melt down began, it wasnt till hours later that we could finally stop cryin long enough so she could tell me what happened...we still dont know because the investagation is still ongoing and the evidence is strongly pointing to someone making it look like a suicide...plus the autopsy wont be in for 2 weeks. We beleive we know who was behind it cuz she had talked to me and her mom about it saying if anything happened to her we know who to look at and this was just a month ago that she said it...just one major problem with it...this person has a family member thats a judge and we all can see where this is going??? This is why it has not been advertised. There is so much going on behind the scenes. Well we had to have her body creamated becuz of how long it was hiden in the field, we had the funeral service and burial for her last wednesday...i have never seen so many people in one place like that...it was amazing!
This whole thing was posted all over facebook but you wont find anything on my page cuz there was alot of drama started...rumors and distant family members bickering...funny how people can be so cruel during a tragedy like this.
I have been tryin to keep myself busy so i dont think about her so much but everytime i even see a cup of coffee i remember how we met every mornin at my aunts and how much sugar she would put in her coffee...yuk! Or even eating a hamburger with her was an experience how everyone would make fun of us cuz how we ate them...i would take my bun off and eat it and she would smash hers and remove the outer layer of the hamburger...we were a sight to see when we ate them together or how we would both unententionally try to see who could sit closest to my aunt...family members would laugh at us and we werent even realizing what we were doing. I miss her sooooo much (now im cryin again)
Ive cried so much that my face is permanently swelled....why cant i stop crying...my heart just hurts so much....it is really hard to write this. Once again im sorry this has nothing to do with cancer but in a way it does cuz right now it is effecting my health, i havent been going to my appointments and staying upset isnt helping...i really need to see my doc at this point cuz i have had sooo much pain in my arm but with the funeral and everything i have put it off and im just getting to the point i just dont care right now. Im finding that lately i just dont care about alot of things and i just want to sleep and be left alone...sometimes i wish i just wouldnt wake up!
Everyone on this board has been a big help to me since the time i have gotten on here and i want to thank all of you...your support and encouragement has ment alot to me and im sorry but this time i am having a really rough time dealing with everything right now!
Im also sooo sorry this turned into a book, but thanks again for letting me vent and that im being such a bummer right now!
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Comments

  • sea60
    sea60 Member Posts: 2,613
    #2
    I feel your pain
    "I'm so sorry" just doesn't seem like it's enough. With all my heart I wish no one had to hurt so much.

    You surely were blessed to have shared so many memories with her and I know you will always store them close to your heart. She sounds like she loved you very much and would want you to take care of yourself.

    I pray that justice will be served. I pray for peace for you and your family.


    This place is a place to share triumphs as well as sorrows and we're all here for one another.

    Hugs friend,

    Sylvia
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    #3
    Prayers and Hugs
    JoJo, thank you for the update and no worries regarding it being long we are sister's in pink and we are here for you as much as one can be in cyber space. I truly am sorry for your loss, but I am grateful for the love you two shared. Crying is good, let it roll for awhile you need to decompress so to speak. I lost my sister 3 years ago and just today was in tears as I ran into an old card she had written to me. They were tears of remembrance and of joy for the love we shared, you will get there JoJo just do not give up on yourself.

    You mentioned that your arm is hurting quite a lot, please get to the doctor soon as sometimes that can be a pre-curser to infection and you don't need an infection.

    I hope you feel better soon, remember the how much she loved you, the good times and know that she would not want you to put your health at risk and she would not want you to be unhappy for too long.

    Hugs to you JoJo,

    RE
  • natly15
    natly15 Member Posts: 1,941
    #4
    Jo Jo my heart goes out to
    Jo Jo my heart goes out to you and your family. I cant even imagine what you are going thru. Please see your doctor and never give up. Crying and grieving is so normal when you loose someone.

    These boards are more than BC support. We are a group of survivors who know tough times and we care about each other. We are a safe place for understanding and support. Many prayers are being sent your way.
  • shy violet
    shy violet Member Posts: 167
    #5
    This is difficult - you had
    This is difficult - you had someone who you loved and spent your life with. When we lose someone it is hard enough. This has been compounded by the sudden, unexpected loss AND the possible violent side. You are within your rights to cry, to grieve. It is ok. It is not a sign of weakness. It is out of love you cry. When you feel angry get mad. It will require patience as determination to pursue the truth of what happened and to push for justice that may be hard to attain.

    She has been found and taken home...and that is important for your family. Please talk to God, yell at him, cry to him, he won't turn away. Keep the memories coming. Healing is a very long process. We love you, JoJo
  • missrenee
    missrenee Member Posts: 2,136 Member
    #6
    shy violet said:

    This is difficult - you had
    This is difficult - you had someone who you loved and spent your life with. When we lose someone it is hard enough. This has been compounded by the sudden, unexpected loss AND the possible violent side. You are within your rights to cry, to grieve. It is ok. It is not a sign of weakness. It is out of love you cry. When you feel angry get mad. It will require patience as determination to pursue the truth of what happened and to push for justice that may be hard to attain.

    She has been found and taken home...and that is important for your family. Please talk to God, yell at him, cry to him, he won't turn away. Keep the memories coming. Healing is a very long process. We love you, JoJo

    My heart goes out to you, JoJo
    I can't imagine what you're going through right now. I'm hoping you are able to find some sort of peace very soon.

    Hugs and Prayers, Renee
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #7
    missrenee said:

    My heart goes out to you, JoJo
    I can't imagine what you're going through right now. I'm hoping you are able to find some sort of peace very soon.

    Hugs and Prayers, Renee

    JoJo you never have to worry
    JoJo you never have to worry about venting here. We all understand grief. Its hard to lose a loved one and harder still under these circumstances. This is the time to be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself, you have been through a lot of trauma. Try to get up, take a walk, bring your aunt. do one positive thing a day and please get your arm checked. It's not selfish and something your cousin would want you to do. I hope justice prevails. But mostly I hope you and your family find peace and heal. (and you continue on your journey to health)
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    #8
    JoJo- Grieving is what we
    JoJo- Grieving is what we must do in order to find peace. I am sorry that you have this tragedy weighing on you! Like others have written, your sister/cousin would want you to take care of yourself. This is the best way to honor her memory. With sympathy and love...xoxoxox Lynn
  • creampuff91344
    creampuff91344 Member Posts: 988
    #9
    lynn1950 said:

    JoJo- Grieving is what we
    JoJo- Grieving is what we must do in order to find peace. I am sorry that you have this tragedy weighing on you! Like others have written, your sister/cousin would want you to take care of yourself. This is the best way to honor her memory. With sympathy and love...xoxoxox Lynn

    So Sorry
    Jo Jo, not a day goes by that I don't think of you and your family, and add a little prayer to hopefully help you get through this awful tragedy. I lost my daughter six years ago, and I know the pain that goes along with the loss of someone so close. I have days that are good, and then there are still days that the only thing I can think about is Kelly. Believe me when I say that the last thing your cousin would want is for you to jeopardize your own health because of her loss. You will feel her with you as you continue to fight your battle, and she will be your guardian angel from this point forward. Your loss is so terrible, and I know that words from others won't bring her back. Just know that your loss is carried by all of us on this Board, and your venting here is something we can all handle. Big shoulders are all around you. Jo Jo, just promise that you will see your doctor soon, and keep posting. Time does heal all wounds, and hopefully her death will be solved soon. We are all here....lean on us. Hugs, Judy
  • waffle8
    waffle8 Member Posts: 234
    #10
    Hey
    JoJo So sorry to hear about your loss...Keeping you in my prayers... I do not have any answers for you but I wish you didn't have to go thru this....Blessings
  • Lighthouse_7
    Lighthouse_7 Member Posts: 1,566 Member
    #11
    waffle8 said:

    Hey
    JoJo So sorry to hear about your loss...Keeping you in my prayers... I do not have any answers for you but I wish you didn't have to go thru this....Blessings

    Jo Jo,
    I'm so sorry for
    Jo Jo,
    I'm so sorry for everything and pray for you. Please take care of yourself and try hard to fight. Your cousin would have wanted you to.
    Hugs,
    Wanda
  • survives
    survives Member Posts: 254 Member
    #12
    Lighthouse_7 said:

    Jo Jo,
    I'm so sorry for
    Jo Jo,
    I'm so sorry for everything and pray for you. Please take care of yourself and try hard to fight. Your cousin would have wanted you to.
    Hugs,
    Wanda

    Jo Jo
    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I've sent you a pm.
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    #13
    Jo Jo,
    The one thing that
    Jo Jo,
    The one thing that your cousin would want you to do is to take care of your health. It sounds like you are possibly experiencing the beginnings of a real depression and it is important to go to your doctor and have this taken care of. It is a lot to deal with cancer. Now you have added this family tragedy and what will probably be a long ongoing process to unravel the truth (and that might never happen from what you said) and it is a monumental burden on your emotional and physical well being. Crying can be good medicine and certainly we are all here for you. Venting is great and we are all more than just our cancers. We are friends who share all the good and all the bad. So don't ever apologize for what your write or how you feel.
    Just be sure and take care of you and make sure that you don't go into a tail spin. With all that is on your plate, you need to get the support of your medical team.
    My prayers are with you and your family that your sorrow will fade with time and only the happiest of memories will remain.
    Stef
  • sal314
    sal314 Member Posts: 599 Member
    #14
    I'm Praying for You Jo-Jo!
    I can't begin to understand what you are going through. All I do know is God is feeling your pain right along with you. Lean on HIM! He can and WILL get you through this awful time.

    Please see your doctor. You don't want to fall any deeper into a depression as it will only make it harder to get out of it. The sooner you get help, the better. Don't be afraid to take medication if that's what your doctor recommends! Trust me! Been there, done that. Doing it again!(my father is losing his battle with cancer).


    I will continue to pray for you and your family.

    "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~ Isaiah 41:10

    "Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
    ~ Psalm 62:8

    Blessings,
    Sally
  • Marsha Mulvey
    Marsha Mulvey Member Posts: 597 Member
    #15
    sal314 said:

    I'm Praying for You Jo-Jo!
    I can't begin to understand what you are going through. All I do know is God is feeling your pain right along with you. Lean on HIM! He can and WILL get you through this awful time.

    Please see your doctor. You don't want to fall any deeper into a depression as it will only make it harder to get out of it. The sooner you get help, the better. Don't be afraid to take medication if that's what your doctor recommends! Trust me! Been there, done that. Doing it again!(my father is losing his battle with cancer).


    I will continue to pray for you and your family.

    "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~ Isaiah 41:10

    "Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."
    ~ Psalm 62:8

    Blessings,
    Sally

    answers
    I hope you are able to quickly find the answers to what must be many questions. In the meantime, please take care of your own needs. God bless.
    Marsha
  • reeseslover1234
    reeseslover1234 Member Posts: 87
    #16
    Devastated
    Jo Jo,

    I agree with just about everyone on here. Most of us don't know what you're feeling right now, but God does and he will see you through. My nephew was strangled to death by an estranged friend and the guy was found "not guilty" because my nephew was in this guys house, so by law, the guy was protecting himself. I've lost all my parents (one was a step-dad that raised me) to cancer and heart condition, but nothing was as bad as losing my nephew. Whatever happens, you need to make sure you take care of yourself. If that means getting on some meds for depression, then do it. I did and I feel better. Don't be afraid to talk to your dr. They should understand everything you're going through might be too much right now. Please don't give up and let your depression worsen. You've been through so much already. Don't let anything take that beautiful smile from your face. Do a lot of praying as we all are praying for you and your family.

    Many hugs and prayers,

    Reese
  • MAJW
    MAJW Member Posts: 2,510 Member
    #17
    So very sorry
    What an awful thing for all of you.....Please know that others do care....perhaps that can be of some small comfort to you at this horrible time.....

    Peace be with you
  • Boppy_of_6
    Boppy_of_6 Member Posts: 1,138
    #18
    MAJW said:

    So very sorry
    What an awful thing for all of you.....Please know that others do care....perhaps that can be of some small comfort to you at this horrible time.....

    Peace be with you

    I really cannot add much to
    I really cannot add much to all the things others have said. I will be praying for all of your family in this difficult time. Please take care of yourself. Gods blessings on you all.
    (((Hugs))) Janice
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    #19
    Boppy_of_6 said:

    I really cannot add much to
    I really cannot add much to all the things others have said. I will be praying for all of your family in this difficult time. Please take care of yourself. Gods blessings on you all.
    (((Hugs))) Janice

    Thinking of you
    Prayers to you and your family.
  • webbwife50
    webbwife50 Member Posts: 394
    #20
    words can not express
    I am so very sorry this horrible act has been been perpetrated on your sister, you and your family. Just remember, Jesus is always there, he was there with your sister and he is there for you now. Life can bring unspeakable horrors to our doorstep and in these times is when we need lean on our faith to comfort us and restore us. God Bless you!
  • cahjah75
    cahjah75 Member Posts: 2,631
    #21
    JoJo
    I have tears in my eyes. I tend to be a cryer! My heart breaks for you and I understand the frustration with "all that's going on with the death of your cousin". You must talk to your dr and get back into a routine. An antidepressant may help you at this time in your life. Although not bc related you are right in that it does present a problem to your health routine. My first husband died in a car accident 37 years ago and there are days that I remember like it was yesterday. I was watching a soap (Young & the Restless) the other day and they were doing a military funeral and I sobbed through the whole thing. Under the stress of bc her death makes it all that more difficult to cope. It's ok to cry but please take care of yourself.
    {{hugs}} Char

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