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Just venting and open to feedback

david54
Posts: 115
Joined: Apr 2009

I wasn’t sure if I should add this to an already existing post or make a new one – so anyway here goes.

My brother in-law is well to do. He is retired and has a good income. When my wife (His only sister and sibling) died I asked if he would be willing to share half the cost of her funeral. He agreed. The funeral home knows me and gave a discount but his share was about $3000.00 He and my wife had a "Love hate relationship." They cared for eachother but did not communicate much. He did not do much for her when she was treated for her cancer. He was more concerned about the property he owns. (My bias at work here)

The problem was that he second guessed my every decision. He didn’t trust the funeral home. He got lost getting to her grave side service (The funeral director actually got into his car and helped him find his way to the cemetery.) Then as we were leaving the graveside service he called me on my cell and was upset we did not stay to see her casket lowered into the ground because “People sometimes rob bodies and use them as cadavers for medical studies.”

It was at that point I almost lost it. I bit my lip and said “Al, this is a reputable funeral home. Nothing is going to happen to your sister’s body. If you want to stay at the graveside until they lower the casket you are certainly welcome to do so.”

This was last August 4th. Since that time I have heard nothing from him. Nada, zilch. He won’t respond to my e-mails or phone calls. I have decided I can only do so much. I offered to remain a part of his family network but I am not going to grovel.

I think it is sad that he only has one blood living relative left, my daughter, his beautiful niece, but he has not made contact with her either.

At what point do I say “The hell with this crap?”

Noellesmom
Posts: 1302
Joined: Aug 2010

You say "to hell with this crap" now.

I'm all for family healing (I have a HUGE family with a great variety of personalities) but ego-centric does not change without the intervention of God.

Pray for that if you want(and being me, I probably would) but don't give up another precious moment of your life wanting someone like that to even be a small part of your sweet daughter's life.

Consider yourself free, David.

Life is too short, as we all know.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

I agree. There is no time like the present. As we have all learned here, life is too short to waste it on people who bring negativity into our lives. It is his loss. At some point he may realize what he is missing. Leave a door open, but don't worry about him. You and your daughter have much more important things to do like watch paint dry or grass grow. Fay

Ronda22
Posts: 12
Joined: Sep 2010

If you have attempted to contact him and he refuses to reciprocate,if you have made known your willingness to remain part of the family and he doesn't include you, then I would agree that any more solicitation on your part would be groveling, and no man who just lost his wife should be groveling to her brother, period.

It stinks that you can't just deal with the grief without the added burden of him. I hope you'll be able to let it go. Best Wishes~

onlyhuman
Posts: 102
Joined: Sep 2009

Hi David

I can totally relate. My husband passed away December 09 after a brief 9 month battle with GBM. He had 4 siblings but only one lives near us. Since he passed his sister who lives only 30minutes away has not called us once. We have 2 daughters who have so many of their father's traits. I can't understand why she wouldn't want to be a part of their lives.
In the beginning I tried to keep things civil and made an effort to take my girls over so they could cach up with their cousins. But after awhile I realised that there was no reciprocation. I bought a new house in June. She congratulated me but never bothered to ask where I would be moving to.
In May I called to get her other sister's address from her and she took the opportunity to scream at me for 45minutes over a minor matter relating to her mother. Thats when I realised I didn't have to put up with the crap.
I am in the phonebook so if they want to reestablish contact they can but I am done trying.
Its sad but why should we be the ones to put up with this. Don't we have enough on?
Sangeeta

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