Sep 12, 2010 - 12:56 am
I have been caring for my beloved mom for about two and a half years now as she has suffered through ovarian cancer -and I mean suffered in the strongest sense of the word. We had no idea what we were in for in March 2008 when she had her initial hysterectomy/debulking..we have been through chemo, radiation, MRSA, staph, c-diff, disintegrating discs, hemmorhaging retinas, fluid aspirations, blood transfusions, kidney shut down, tumors choking her bile duct, pushing on her esophagus, a fall that resulted in a broken arm and leg, and the list goes on. We have just learned that the cancer has spread to her bone and that frail, broken, bruised little body will start radiation again on Monday. She is miserable, exhausted, hurting, and yet......she has never once considered giving up. Sadly, this seems to be due less to a passion for living than a terrible fear of dying. Of course my sisters and I support her 100% with her choice, but it has occurred to me more and more how much more difficult the prospect of losing her is because she has so much angst about going. If she ever said she had had enough, those would be hard words to hear, but I would understand and I think, feel a huge relief that she had made peace with the end of her life. It tears my heart out to think she might exit this world scared and fighting. Her oncologist has no doubt nor do we that she is still here because of her mental tenacity, but someday, someday her body will give out (and that could be very soon) and of course for myself I want her to be reconciled with that, but also I want that very much for her. And that is why I am posting here - to those of you who have been where I am heading.....did anyone lose someone who went without being at peace with it? Please don't mull this over if it causes you great sadness, but if someone is able, I would very much appreciate some help in finding some perspective with this very upsetting situation.