Sep 08, 2010 - 10:35 pm
Ok here goes, I am extremely frustrated and ready to just give up and let the cancer do whatever it wants and this is why. I have been dealing with thyroid cancer since 2001, was in remission until 2008 and had treatment in 09 then this year I find out I have 2 masses in my chest, one of which was there before my last ablation dose of 131 which has since grown and made a baby lol. I have spent at least 6 months trying to get DX and treatment and in the last 3 months I have been trying to get all my varied records together so that I can pursue treatment to be told yesterday that they won't forward my records or give them to me even though they are mine. So now I am back at square one, frustrated, crying and ready to say I give and surrender. Why does it have to be so hard? Why is it such a battle just to be able to live to watch my kids finish growing and watch my little grandson grow up? I get that Dr.'s are busy but really, does it have to be this hard? Why does it have to be such a battle to get the medical community to diagnose and treat? I have insurance so its not like they are not getting paid, I mean how would they like to spend this time stuck in limbo not knowing if I should plan for a future or if I should be planning on where my two youngest will go live if I die? I hate waking every day to this uncertain future, at least if I had a diagnosis I could have something to focus on, to fight, instead I spend every day wondering how fast it is growing and spreading, if the things they saw on my ovary are cancer too along with what is in my chest, wondering where else it might be, wondering how bad it is. I just want to scream and curl up in a ball and cry, I want to throw things, to have a major temper tantrum and melt down. I hate being this emotional wreck. I put a good face on most of the time for my g/f and kids but everyday I hurt so much, I spend every day wanting to throw up while I am awake, sometimes it even hurts when she just touches me, goddess I hate this. I want my life back, I want to be me again, not to have to rest just so I can have strength enough to shower, to not forget what I am saying in the middle of a conversation or to forget what I was doing or where I was going, sigh. Yes I know I am whining and ranting and I appreciate your listening (reading lol) to this but I am just so over all of this. I am a financial drain on my family between missing work cuz I am sick alot and the medical bills. It all makes me hate myself and the cancer. Sometimes I wonder why I just can't put on my big girl panties, suck it up and get over myself............