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Needing to vent a bit lol grrr frustration

taffinang
Posts: 18
Joined: May 2010

Ok here goes, I am extremely frustrated and ready to just give up and let the cancer do whatever it wants and this is why. I have been dealing with thyroid cancer since 2001, was in remission until 2008 and had treatment in 09 then this year I find out I have 2 masses in my chest, one of which was there before my last ablation dose of 131 which has since grown and made a baby lol. I have spent at least 6 months trying to get DX and treatment and in the last 3 months I have been trying to get all my varied records together so that I can pursue treatment to be told yesterday that they won't forward my records or give them to me even though they are mine. So now I am back at square one, frustrated, crying and ready to say I give and surrender. Why does it have to be so hard? Why is it such a battle just to be able to live to watch my kids finish growing and watch my little grandson grow up? I get that Dr.'s are busy but really, does it have to be this hard? Why does it have to be such a battle to get the medical community to diagnose and treat? I have insurance so its not like they are not getting paid, I mean how would they like to spend this time stuck in limbo not knowing if I should plan for a future or if I should be planning on where my two youngest will go live if I die? I hate waking every day to this uncertain future, at least if I had a diagnosis I could have something to focus on, to fight, instead I spend every day wondering how fast it is growing and spreading, if the things they saw on my ovary are cancer too along with what is in my chest, wondering where else it might be, wondering how bad it is. I just want to scream and curl up in a ball and cry, I want to throw things, to have a major temper tantrum and melt down. I hate being this emotional wreck. I put a good face on most of the time for my g/f and kids but everyday I hurt so much, I spend every day wanting to throw up while I am awake, sometimes it even hurts when she just touches me, goddess I hate this. I want my life back, I want to be me again, not to have to rest just so I can have strength enough to shower, to not forget what I am saying in the middle of a conversation or to forget what I was doing or where I was going, sigh. Yes I know I am whining and ranting and I appreciate your listening (reading lol) to this but I am just so over all of this. I am a financial drain on my family between missing work cuz I am sick alot and the medical bills. It all makes me hate myself and the cancer. Sometimes I wonder why I just can't put on my big girl panties, suck it up and get over myself............

wendybia's picture
wendybia
Posts: 73
Joined: Jan 2010

hey there....first of all don't hate yourself, hate the cancer. it does suck that things have to be so difficult. so hate the cancer and fight for getting past it. my advice is call who ever has the info you need every two hours, they'll do their jobs just to get rid of you. hang in there, i know it isn't easy but you have to, my mantra has been....this too shal pass and so far it has. vent all you want....we're reading...wendy

24242
Posts: 1417
Joined: Mar 2001

I am sorry cancer isn't easy and I am truly sorry you sit in limbo. I have learned to fight long and hard and don't stop till you get the answers and your file of information. It is astounding to me with all they have learned since my diagnosis 14 years ago they have gotten stupid. I struggle daily and know about being consumed with lumps that are growing and have not trust in the medical system I am faced with. Sleep does not come easy or for long as I have nightmares about my health and where it is going.
Vent away and know that we totally understand and I for one am very grateful you lay your thoughts here and hopefully they won't consume you.
Learning to steal moments of time with laughter and fun and sharing with family sometimes is as simple as it gets. I hope you too find something to hang on tight too and a girlfriend and kids is possibly the best place to start. I found it was hard being angry all the time and found just being thankful for breathing helped me.
Please don't let this eat you up, fight for your right to have quality in your life.
Tara

taffinang
Posts: 18
Joined: May 2010

I want to say thanks for your words and patience lol. Yes my g/f (hopefully someday legal wife), my kids and my grandbaby keep me going. What I wrote came from a dark weak space after a week of h*** and I am just beat and wore down lol. I have a tendency to push myself to far I must admit. I do thank you for listening (reading) and appreciate your understanding and patience. This is the place where I share my dark feelings and weak moments the most. I am starting to make headway and will know this Thurs if I have managed to get all my records together to send them to Denver for treatment. That has been my biggest headache outside of hearing the Dr's tell me just to wait and see what happens lol thats like the last thing I wanna do. Anyways hugs ladies, thank you and you are in my thoughts.

Taff

sunnydaz
Posts: 1
Joined: Sep 2010

Hi I was just wondering did you go to your oncologist? I find that my oncologist assistant is really good about getting my records together for what ever I need. In our cases we need someone on our side. So having good doctors that have good assistants make a difference. I understand your frustration and think you should make an appointment with your oncologist and express what you are feeling tell him/her that you are overwhelmed and need help with how to get all of your information together so that you can get your next treatment in motion. I wish you luck and hope your frustration ends soon please don't give up.

taffinang
Posts: 18
Joined: May 2010

There is only one endocrin here in this state and she is almost ready to retire so I have been dealing with ENT's and they are getting me no where. The attitude they have is wait and see what happens, lol, they don't even wanna biopsy the 2 masses in my chest sigh. My reg doc has been great in trying to help me get to Denver for treatment and that brings me to my update. I finally was able to get all the records Denver needed to them and am hoping to find out on Monday when I will have an appt. So my fingers are crossed I can get this all started, it has taken me like 4 months just to get this far sigh. One of the obstacles for me has been that there are no endocrins here really and that wyo just does not seem very familiar with thyroid cancer and all the new tests and such. Sunny the only doc I have had on my side has been my reg doc and she is great, she too is frustrated with all of this. Now I have a copy of some of my records and that will be a help in the future. When I go to Denver to Rocky Mt. Cancer Center things should go smoother for me as then I will have a whole team instead of just me and my doc against everything lol. Anyways I don't plan on giving up Sunny I am just too stubborn for that, its just that sometimes I get tired and weak and so freakin frustrated and then sometimes I will come here and vent knowing that I won't be judged as weak or anything and that you all will understand. My g/f is great but sometimes it is easier for me to vent to those on here than her as I am already putting her thru hell worrying about me. Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend.

24242
Posts: 1417
Joined: Mar 2001

Mine and I had done the long distant thing for years so had moved my son and I to be with her after 4.5 years. I never have thought till this moment that maybe things do happen for a reason because I moved to her province and better Cancer survival rates and also we ended moving into together sooner than we would have because I needed the financial help more than her mother did at the time of dx and treatments.
I tried very hard not to burden her since she didn't need more stresses. We are still together still trying to put the pieces of our live's back together even after all these 14 years. More lumps more surgery now for a horrid shoulder and who needs it is all I can think. She is amazing and instead of thinking of all we don't have or have lost I myself need to try and keep it in perspective. At least my son has another parent that he could count on somethhing he never had with his own father.
I came here late at night and back then could find people in chat. I found other chat sites if I needed to actually have the immediate contract. My friends were amazing and my family but they had to do it from afar and that couldn't have been easy.
Simplicity is great but not easy to accomplish...
Tara

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