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You have been served.....

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Well,I served my hubby with divorce papers last week. It has been a living hell ever since.
I have been accused of all sorts of carnal acts, and harassed every nite and day.
I am 10 months out of treatment for head & neck and doing well. As far as any emotional support, kindness, sympathy, empathy - nope! NaDa! It was never there before, why did I think he would magically change. Dumb blonde syndrome - I guess. Hee Hee.
After my 1st clean PET - he asked when I was going to get a job? Lying in bed after driving to and from rads & chemo, I could not even get him to get me a glass of water. I lost 34 lbs, and ended up being 110 lbs at 5'9". I quit the pity parties, and started the fight for life.
Going thru this "journey", I know have become a strong, and confident patient woman, after having only my Bible for company. He dos not recognize this woman, and feels threatened.
After 20 years together, and 2 beautiful children, Iwas foolishly hoping he would "come around". HA! Thankfully, I know I am not walking alone, and He is guiding my path.Whatever time I have left, will not be wasted on negativity, anger, and sadness. I have read the previous post on divorce and dating, and loved all your posts. I am writing now because I am living thru it NOW. I do not wish to date. I need to get healthy, without his added stress, and have some peace. This is my wish. Thank you all for listening. I wish you health in body, heart and soul. Patty

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

Please do what you can to limit the opportunities for harrassment. Do not react or respond to the accusations. My ex went off like that when we broke up, and my daughter nicknamed the behavior "psycho-hammer." It was all his stuff, not mine and certainly not hers. Take care of yourself, but then, cancer survivors become quite good at taking care of themselves!

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Thank you Barbara for your post. The house we have lived in for 22 years was HIS, the car I put the down payment on was HIS. I realized a longtime ago he was not on my "team" - he was not a partner. Yes, we survivors are strong, and can take care of ourselves. Hope you and your daughter are well. Patty

ms.sunshine
Posts: 710
Joined: Mar 2010

Sorry you are having to endure another hellish event. You were not foolish hoping he would wake up and see what he has to loose. I hate divorce (having gone thru a bad one myself) and I don't wish it for no one, but sometimes it is nessasary. Work on becoming healthy, happy, and loving cherishing yourself.
Jennifer

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

Patty ,
Well said! Now you are in control of your life and by the sounds of it you will do a great job. I wish you the best!

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Thank you zinniemay & mssunshine! I will survive! Lol! I appreciate the support, feeling pretty low. Will see the lawyer tomorrow asap. Hope to have some good news! God bless you, and thanks for the support! Patty

Tina Brown's picture
Tina Brown
Posts: 1054
Joined: Nov 2009

I commend your actions. You are so brave to get rid of dead wood just after coming through the fight of your life. WELL DONE. My husband is bearing up but the cracks are showing. Our marriage was on the rocks just before my diagnosis and he is bearing up as best he can but I have NO emotional support, NO tenderness & NO intimacy at all. I crave all of those things and if I was emotionally stronger I would leave him and build a new life on my own. So I am proud of you for making the break. I think when you have had something like cancer and have faced death in the face - you have to realise that you need to LIVE YOUR LIFE not just ride along on the back of someone else.

I so want to be brave enough to do what you have done - one day maybe.

Good luck to you and keep posting so we know how you are getting on.

Love Tina xx

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

I know how you feel! It is so difficult to face this life changing disease with no emotional support (A hug even?) No tenderness (How are you feeling?) and forget intimacy!
You will grow stronger - I could never have done this 1, 2, even 5 years ago!
I told him at diagnosis, this would make us or break us. He did not even try. I worked up until 3 tears ago part time so I contributed for many years to the home. I even saved $ in
MY separate a/c just in case. Amazingly enough, I applied for disability, and got a check within 2 months which is unheard of! Although being approved kind of scares me, and hits me in the face that I have cancer. People wait months, get lawyers - I was blessed!
I have become a different person, I guess it is my new "normal" and he does not even KNOW me anymore. It is sad that he cannot get beyond the anger, and act like an adult and talk.
Thank you so much - I do not feel so alone. Get strong and BELIEVE! Patty

tiny one
Posts: 467
Joined: Jan 2009

The rough times make us strong and sometimes show us what is really important to us. You deserve to be with someone who will love you unconditionally. I am a 3 year colon cancer survivor, doing very well. It changed my life but I am very happy now. It took alot of counseling and a different outlook but I am doing good. You are a very strong person. I attend a cancer support group, that has really helped. Now do the things you've always wanted to do, go places you've always wanted to go, look up some lost acquantances. Start living life to it's fullest. Don't let anything hold you back.

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Thank you Tiny one. I know I am doing the right thing by the way he reacted to being served.
He acted like a child, temper tantrums, the whole thing. He still only wants to say what he wants to say, and walk away, without listening to my thoughts or feelings. His brain is muddled by alcohol, and he does not realize it. It has always been this way, this situation just highlighted his bad behavior.
I am in therapy, which has been an enormous help! I was not aware that counseling is available free for cancer patients.
I am happy to hear you are doing so well 3 years out! Congrats & enjoy each day to the fullest! This "journey" does change our lives, my husband does not even know me anymore.
I appreciate the supportive post, I know this will get worse b4 it gets better.
God bless you with continued happiness & health! Patty

Noellesmom
Posts: 1277
Joined: Aug 2010

None of us on this site care much for statistics and percentages - it is all about the individual, as far as we are concerned.

However, I would like to predict that you have a 100% chance of THRIVING, not just surviving, Pattyanny.

No doubt about it.

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Very good point Noellesmom - THRIVE - not survive! I can feel the change in me, although he is still in the house. UGH! But this to shall pass!
Thank you so much! God bless you!
Patty

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Dear Patty
Congratulations and thank you for your post. I love the title. At first I was thinking....you have been served with...cancer? Then as I clicked on it and realized you meant served with divorce papers. Good for you. You deserve better and you now know that! I admire you for you strength and determination! There are songs with those titles. "I will Survive and "NO Stopping Us Now". Best of the best to you in the future and let us know how you are doing. Hope you are able to gain some weight, now that you have lost all of that useless baggage! Peace.
Tina in Va

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Lol! Gotcha! Yes,I had to learn I deserve better by battling this demon very much on my own.
This week has been pure he**, because he can no longer control me, and basically is flipping out! He has pulled more tricks out of his hat than Chris Angel,:) but then I call my lawyer, who calls his lawyer, and reins him in again. The anger, and lashing out is frightening, yet I am grieving inside for a loss. I am afraid this will take a while to settle, but I have prepared over the year with all financial info and having my own funds. I am really focusing on food and vitamins to stay strong though, and honestly, thank God, I do feel good! Yea!
Yes Tina, I cannot wait to loose the useless baggage! Thanks for your support, and thoughtful post. I have no one, so it means a lot!
I pray all is well with you, and God continues to strengthen and heal you.
Love Patty

P.S. Do you have any relatives in S.I. N.Y.?

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hey Patty
Not that I am aware of! All of my husband's family is in NJ. Thank you for your prayers. Keep in touch and may the peace of God be with you throughout this most difficult time.
Tina

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

Thanks For the prayer. I really appreciate it!
My Mom's best friend's name on Staten Island is Joan Blondek.
She is probably 70-ish, but her hubby has passed. It's just the name is somewhat unusual.
Who knows? I just know the Blondeks have good hearts! :) May the Lord be with you and your family. Thank you Tina.
Patty

ruthelizabeth
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

I expect your lawyer has told you to document every little thing. If not, do.

I think Don's children believe I've changed. Well, in some ways, anyway. I'm told the youngest two always thought I was wicked. Since I called the police on the youngest, I expect they think I'm worse than that. His son hasn't spoken to me since he discovered I wouldn't support him or let him live with me.

The truth is that, first, Don helped me be more self-confident and, second, without Don I have to take care of myself. When he was alive, I might suggest alternatives to what he wanted to do for his kids, but they were his kids and his wishes prevailed. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not a wimp and if standing up for yourself and making decisions is wicked, I definitely qualify.

Whether you're the survivor or the caregiver, cancer changes things and it changes you. All you can do is cherish life and make the best decisions you can. I would love to have his kids as my family -- the oldest does stay in touch and is nice -- but that isn't going to happen. It would be good to have their support and affection, just as it would be good for you to have love and strength and companionship. But the cost of their presence in my life is too high, emotionally, physically and financially. The street only runs one way. And you can get run over on one-way streets.

I hope that you'll eventually find a new, liberated, joy-filled life and that you'll get satisfaction out of accomplishing things you love to do.

pattyanny's picture
pattyanny
Posts: 523
Joined: Jul 2009

I am wicked - but I know I am doing the right thing. This has been more difficult than rads & chemo! I went for an OP today after trying to talk some sense into hubby. He is out of the house til Monday! TYJ! I have lost more weight due to stress, and cannot afford to compromise my health. I have come too far. I cannot deal with the verbal abuse and more.
I appreciate your post - it means a lot. I just cannot live with someone who finds my cancer amusing.
God bless you, and may you find your path, and believe - it WILL be a 2 way street!
Love, Prayers, & Healing! Patty

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