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Numbness has worn off.....

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

Last night was horrible. I could not quit crying and there was a physical pain in the pit of my stomach. There is an open, raw wound that hurts more than any pain I have had. I want to go to church today but feel like I may just lose it at any time. I'm depressed....no drugs helping at this point. Cold and rainy weather made things much worse. No cozy evening sitting together on the couch watching TV after a big bowl of chili. On really cold days he would make a fire early in the morning and I would wake up to a beautiful fire in the fireplace....I dread winter badly. Right now, I am just a mess.

Gayle

nancyivb
Posts: 8
Joined: Jul 2010

I know exactly how you feel. I lost my boyfriend/fiance to esophageal cancer on 8/18. It seems the pain gets worse instead of better. I woke up this morning with this intense feeling of loss that I cannot shake. It is hard to even get out of bed because he is not out on the couch watching tv when I get up. I keep hearing this will get easier, but when???

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Gayle,
I know exactly how you feel. I lost my husband of 46 years in March. He had only been sick since January. He had a rare side effect from Avastin. It's so hard going on without him. Really hate the nights cause there's no one to talk to. And like you, I'm dreading the thought of winter with gloomy days & long lonely nights. Do you work? I never did, but have a group of friends that go for coffee every morning which helps alot.
Guess we just have to try to be strong & live one day at a time. Hang in there!
Carole

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grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

I wish I could just give all of you a big hug. This is really hard. It really does get a little easier, not better, but easier. Give yourselves permission to grieve your way. Don't let anyone try to hurry you. Yes, I do feel worse when the weather is crummy. My mother always got depressed on those days and I thought it was because my dad died on a rainy day. I feel the same way though. I can't even remember what the weather was like when my husband died. We are kind of in a cloud at first. Then for me, the fog of grief set in. I had trouble remembering things and kept losing stuff. Just try to take one day at a time or even one minute at a time for now. There are no words of wisdom to help us. Each one has to find her own way. Grief counseling or support groups seem to really help some. Journal writing is also helpful for some. Just do what you need to do. There is no right or wrong to this grieving business. Fay

junklady's picture
junklady
Posts: 88
Joined: Aug 2009

The crying, the pain in the middle of the stomach. I can't seem to get motivated to do anything, Dale passed away on 8-29. It was a dark, cold, rainy day. I agree with you, no more cozy fires watching tv, especially college football. This fall will be really hard to get through. He always had Fox news on too. I can't look at it anymore. This week I am going to try and do some little project each day, so I say. If I don't, oh well. He left me with cows to take care of, feed and water. Every time I go out to the pen, I just stand there and cry. It's going to be a long road ahead. Our love of our life is gone, but will forever be in our hearts. I will be thinking of you.
Cynthia

david54
Posts: 114
Joined: Apr 2009

I am so sorry that each of you are experiencing such deep levels of grieving. I am there too-it hurts. Some days are easy, others are lonely and depressing.

I don’t sleep in our bed anymore. No way. I sleep on the floor in another bedroom.

I find myself in a quandary of how to relate to our daughter. She came up to visit and it was great having her here. She is 23 years old and in grad school and I am so proud of her. But I am conscious of her grieving and feelings of loss. Her mom and she could talk more intimately about their feelings. We talk several times a week and the conversation is casual. When she came up to visit she realized I was sleeping in another room and she asked if she could sleep in our bed rather than her old one. At first I thought the request was a little odd then realized it was her way of channeling her grief and connecting with her mom as she did when she was toddler. So I let her turn our bedroom into her own shrine if you will for the 10 days she was here. She seemed to appreciate it.

I have been so focused on my own grief I forget my daughter has experienced a major loss at her age. Losing a mom sucks too!

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

I too have a daughter, who is 23. She moved back into our house about a year ago and is planning on staying here for a while, which for me will be a lifesaver. She does have a man in her life who is her rock and so far I haven't seen her having any trouble with her grieving. She is the quiet type, so hopefully she will let me know if she has problems w/it. I know I am and she sees me crack up from time to time.....I guess she is dealing......

God bless, Gayle

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