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pity party

terryscarlett's picture
terryscarlett
Posts: 143
Joined: Aug 2010

I am feeling guilty, My husband is the one with the Cancer in his throat and here I am complaining and feeling sorry for myself! But I have lost half my family and I am only 50 Will be 51 next week.
I lost the baby of the family in 1997 to a car wreck, my sister Karen (Beautiful young lady at age of 29)
Lost my mother Mary 2 years later to melanoma (age 61) then
Lost my baby brother Jimmy in 2007 (his age 39, and buried him on his birthday).
I have 2 brothers left 1 older and 1 younger, my Father is living but remarried and don't see much because of step mommy dearest ( you get the picture) any way!!
As you can see I have had a rough life, full of lose that is not normal. Now I am facing loosing my husband of 28 years to this da## cancer and he is only 68. He is starting to feel the effects of the treatments, with mucus, can't swallow, soar mouth and gums, hard time finding something he can eat and so on, he is getting scared himself of what is next?

Why have the Drs not done surgery on his stage 4A tonsil cancer that has spread to 2 lymph nodes. I under stand what stage 4 is but doesn't he deserve the possible treatment to save his life!!!
They are only doing cisplatin (3 treatments) and 8 weeks of rads. They had said it has spread to the lung but found out after a pet it was ( not cancer?) Then what the he## is it???
I feel I am going to be loosing my husband and I feel like i am drowning!!!
I don't want to hear "hang in there and 1 day at a time" (that is all any of us have ) I need true and believable facts to get me through the next few months and hopefully years of our lives!
I am sorry I sound so as a matter of fact, BUT when you go through life with lose after lose it makes you sort of feel numb when you face another possible lose in your life.
(HOW MUCH MORE CAN A PERSON ENDURE) I know the answer ( no more than god knows you can take) right? Well I am starting to question that answer!!!!! I have had about all I can stand. Waiting for some facts not hope!
Love you all
Terry

luv4lacrosse's picture
luv4lacrosse
Posts: 1398
Joined: Jul 2010

I CAN SOMEWHAT RELATE TO WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. THIS YEAR FOR ME HAS REALLY BEEN BAD.
MY OLDEST SON, ABOUT TO TURN 21 HAS BATTLED ALCHOHOL AND SOME DRUG ABUSE FOR SEVERAL YEARS. HE IS ALSO BI POLAR AND THAT HAS BEEN AN ISSUE MOST OF HIS LIFE. IN EARLY SPRING WE FOUND OUT HE WAS SHOOTING UP HEROIN AND WE ENROLLED HIM AND IN INPATIENT PROGRAM. HE ACTED HIS WAY THROUGH THIS AND NOT WITH HEROIN, BUT QUICKLY FELL OFF OF THE WAGON. AT THAT TIME HE HAD TO WITHDRAW FROM CULINARY SCHOOL AND STARTED BACK A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO. HE TOLD US A FEW DAYS AGO HE WAS GOING TO DROP OUT AND JUST WORK. AFTER WHAT THE INSURANCE DID NOT PAY, WE WERE STUCK WITH $11,000 TO PAY OFF. NOW WITH SCHOOL, TO DATE HIS LOANS TOTALING $20,000 + AND HE HAS NO DEGREE. MY WIFE WAS RECRUITED FOR A HUGE MANAGEMENT JOB AT A COMPETING PEDIATRIC HOSPITAL WHERE WE LIVE AND SHE REMOVED HERSELF FROM FURTHER CONSIDERATION AS I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER AT THE SAME TIME. SHE DID SO AS OUR HEALTH INSURANCE PAYS ALL BUT 5% OF MY CARE AS LONG AS I AM TREATED THROUGH THE SAME MEDICAL COMPLEX / UNIVERSITY THAT SHE IS CURRENTLY EMPLYED BY. "MAN DO I FEEL GUILTY FOR THAT."

ANYWAY, I TOO OFTEN GET TIRED OF HEARING THE "STANDARD REPLIES" SUCH AS GOD ONLY GIVES YOU WHAT YOU CAN HANDLE AND ALL OF THE OTHER STUFF. AT THE SAME TIME I AM VERY GRATEFULL TO HEAR ANYTHING BECAUSE IT REINFORCES HOW MUCH PEOPLE CARE ABOUT ME, ESPECIALLY WITH THIS GROUP OF PEOPLE WHOM WHICH I DO NOT KNOW OR WILL NEVER MEET. JUST REMEMBER THAT ALL PEOPLE WHO SAY ANYTHING TO YOU ARE CONCERNED AND CARE.

I ALSO HAVE STAGE 4 SCC OF THE RIGHT TONSIL AND METS TO THE NECK. FOR MY CASE, SURGERY WAS RECOMMENDED FROM THE START AND THEN CHEMO AND RAD. TO FOLLOW THE 8TH AND 13TH OF SEPTEMBER. HAVE YOU SOUGHT OUT A SECOND OPINION? IF NOT, DO SO AND KEEP LOOKING UNTIL YOU ARE SATISFIED. ARE YOU BEING TREATED BY AN NCI RATED FACILITY? IF NOT,TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY, FIND ONE AND GO. NCI RATED FACILITIES ARE ON THE CUTTING EDGE OF CANCER AND THE TREATMENTS REQUIRED TO BEAT THIS. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASK AND DEMAND TO HAVE ALL OF YOUR OPTIONS LAYED OUT FOR YOU TO SEE SO YOU CAN DETERMINE WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.

WHEN I SAY "HANG IN THERE" I SINCERELY MEAN IT BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT ALL OF THE FOLKS ON THIS SITE. MORE IMPORTANTLY, MAKE SURE YOU ARE EXAMINING ALL OF YOUR OPTIONS. SURVIVING IS PARAMOUNT AND YOU MAY HAVE TO SEEK TREATMENT FAR AWAY FROM WHERE YOU LIVE. THAT IS FRUSTRATING, BUT GETTING THE BEST TREATMENT THAT IS OUT THERE IS WORTH IT.

KEEP POSTING HERE AS I PERSONALLY HAVE DRIVEN SOME OF THESE FOLKS CRAZY ASKING QUESTIONS.

KNOWLEDGE IS YOUR BEST OFFENSE TO CANCERS DEFENSE.

BEST!!

MIKE

luv4lacrosse's picture
luv4lacrosse
Posts: 1398
Joined: Jul 2010

I CAN SOMEWHAT RELATE TO WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. THIS YEAR FOR ME HAS REALLY BEEN BAD.
MY OLDEST SON, ABOUT TO TURN 21 HAS BATTLED ALCHOHOL AND SOME DRUG ABUSE FOR SEVERAL YEARS. HE IS ALSO BI POLAR AND THAT HAS BEEN AN ISSUE MOST OF HIS LIFE. IN EARLY SPRING WE FOUND OUT HE WAS SHOOTING UP HEROIN AND WE ENROLLED HIM IN AN INPATIENT PROGRAM. HE ACTED HIS WAY THROUGH THIS AND NOT WITH HEROIN, BUT QUICKLY FELL OFF OF THE WAGON. AT THAT TIME HE HAD TO WITHDRAW FROM CULINARY SCHOOL AND STARTED BACK A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO. HE TOLD US A FEW DAYS AGO HE WAS GOING TO DROP OUT AND JUST WORK. AFTER WHAT THE INSURANCE DID NOT PAY, WE WERE STUCK WITH $11,000 TO PAY OFF. NOW WITH SCHOOL, TO DATE HIS LOANS TOTALING $20,000 + AND HE HAS NO DEGREE. MY WIFE WAS RECRUITED FOR A HUGE MANAGEMENT JOB AT A COMPETING PEDIATRIC HOSPITAL WHERE WE LIVE AND SHE REMOVED HERSELF FROM FURTHER CONSIDERATION AS I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER AT THE SAME TIME. SHE DID SO AS OUR HEALTH INSURANCE PAYS ALL BUT 5% OF MY CARE AS LONG AS I AM TREATED THROUGH THE SAME MEDICAL COMPLEX / UNIVERSITY THAT SHE IS CURRENTLY EMPLYED BY. "MAN DO I FEEL GUILTY FOR THAT."

ANYWAY, I TOO OFTEN GET TIRED OF HEARING THE "STANDARD REPLIES" SUCH AS GOD ONLY GIVES YOU WHAT YOU CAN HANDLE AND ALL OF THE OTHER STUFF. AT THE SAME TIME I AM VERY GRATEFULL TO HEAR ANYTHING BECAUSE IT REINFORCES HOW MUCH PEOPLE CARE ABOUT ME, ESPECIALLY WITH THIS GROUP OF PEOPLE WHOM WHICH I DO NOT KNOW OR WILL NEVER MEET. JUST REMEMBER THAT ALL PEOPLE WHO SAY ANYTHING TO YOU ARE CONCERNED AND CARE.

I ALSO HAVE STAGE 4 SCC OF THE RIGHT TONSIL AND METS TO THE NECK. FOR MY CASE, SURGERY WAS RECOMMENDED FROM THE START AND THEN CHEMO AND RADIATION TO FOLLOW THE 8TH AND 13TH OF SEPTEMBER. HAVE YOU SOUGHT OUT A SECOND OPINION? IF NOT, DO SO AND KEEP LOOKING UNTIL YOU ARE SATISFIED. ARE YOU BEING TREATED BY AN NCI RATED FACILITY? IF NOT,TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY, FIND ONE AND GO. NCI RATED FACILITIES ARE ON THE CUTTING EDGE OF CANCER AND THE TREATMENTS REQUIRED TO BEAT THIS. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASK AND DEMAND TO HAVE ALL OF YOUR OPTIONS LAYED OUT FOR YOU TO SEE SO YOU CAN DETERMINE WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU.

WHEN I SAY "HANG IN THERE" I SINCERELY MEAN IT BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT ALL OF THE FOLKS ON THIS SITE. MORE IMPORTANTLY, MAKE SURE YOU ARE EXAMINING ALL OF YOUR OPTIONS. SURVIVING IS PARAMOUNT AND YOU MAY HAVE TO SEEK TREATMENT FAR AWAY FROM WHERE YOU LIVE. THAT IS FRUSTRATING, BUT GETTING THE BEST TREATMENT THAT IS OUT THERE IS WORTH IT.

KEEP POSTING HERE AS I PERSONALLY HAVE DRIVEN SOME OF THESE FOLKS CRAZY ASKING QUESTIONS.

KNOWLEDGE IS YOUR BEST OFFENSE TO CANCERS DEFENSE.

BEST!!

MIKE

kimmygarland's picture
kimmygarland
Posts: 313
Joined: Aug 2009

Feels like the world is caving in on you sometimes, and then you feel guilty because you don't even have cancer, but your life is forever changed. We have been battling the d&mn cancer for 14 months now, and about to have a major surgery for the recurrence.

One foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one day at a time. I am trying to abide by this mantra.

(And it's not easy....)

terryscarlett's picture
terryscarlett
Posts: 143
Joined: Aug 2010

I am so sorry to hear you have a recurrance! I have no right to feel so bad when I hear how strong willed all of the people on this sight are. I thank God for everyone of you guys and am very grateful for your insight to this terrible disease.
(one day at a time)
Terry

JUDYV5's picture
JUDYV5
Posts: 392
Joined: Jun 2010

If you don't think the doctors are giving you enough information, find another doctor. Life is tough for some of us and Cancer just sucks. Hang in there !!

fisrpotpe's picture
fisrpotpe
Posts: 1340
Joined: Aug 2010

I like to live by the rule " What? So What! Now What?

You can not make changes that are out of your control. Your only control is how you react to the road bumps given to you daily/hourly/yearly.

I hope your self pity goes away soon as you need to reach out and help your husband remain positive, beating cancer is hugely whipped by having and maintain a positive mental attitude and those who are down with the illness will see the reaction of those close to them and follow their downward path.

Time to step up and take control of self.

John

charles55's picture
charles55
Posts: 87
Joined: Aug 2010

When you can't control what's happening around you, you feel stressed. When you can't control what's happening around you, AND you can't understand it, it's terrible; you feel victimized. I bet the doctors don't really know for sure either, or they would tell you those answers. They want to give you the truth but are not always sure of it themselves.

I read, what was for me an earth shattering book by Victr Frankl, "Man's Search for Meaning". He came to realize that we obviously cannot live in the past; we cannot really live in the present because it flitters away into the past as soon as we try to grab it; we can only live FOR the future. The people who live with that orientation handle the adversity like no other.

Your husband needs you to be strong and running interference for him, even handling the worrying for him. All of his effort should be spent on getting better.

Look how strong you are! You have had all these terrible things falling around you, and you are still standing. How much more can you endure, you ask. Hell, I think you are the exact person he needs.

terryscarlett's picture
terryscarlett
Posts: 143
Joined: Aug 2010

I want to thank you for the lesson on life and you are right. I feel much better now and have jumped right back into the fire and doing all I can to research and help David any way I can. Thanks again for the words of wisdom
Terry

D Lewis's picture
D Lewis
Posts: 1533
Joined: Jan 2010

Hi, Terry

I had cancer of the base of tongue, which metastisized to lymph nodes on both sides of my neck. The cancer "jumped the mid-line." That made it Stage 4. Otherwise known as T1N2cM0. One of my lymph nodes was larger than 3 cm. That made it "N2." Base of Tongue and Tonsil cancer are pretty closely related.

The state-of-the-art treatment for this, according to Stanford Cancer Center, is 8 weeks of radiation with three concurrent treatments with Cisplatin chemotherapy. That will make the cancer go away. It is not necessary to also do surgery, to cut tumors out. The tumors will be resolved by the radiation and chemo. Surgery causes unnecessary pain and takes a long time to recover from. Removal of the tonsils is extremely painful in adults, and requires several weeks to recover from.

Cisplatin is known as "the Raging Bull" of the chemotherapy world. Believe me, this stuff will work.

My MRI showed a nodule in my lung. In the PET-CT, it did not light up. That means it wasn't cancer. What it was, doesn't matter now, because it isn't cancer. It's probably from some exposure to Valley Fever or TB or something when I was younger.

I finished my treatments three months ago. I just had my follow-up PET-CT, which showed that all the cancer was gone. Again, your husband is receiving the best possible treatment.

Deb

terryscarlett's picture
terryscarlett
Posts: 143
Joined: Aug 2010

Thank you for letting me in on the process, this sure is good to hear I feel like jumping up and shouting and think I will (ha ha) You have made my day H#ll the rest of my life with this info.
Thank you so much for caring enough to reply to pity party. I feel so much better
Terry

Hondo's picture
Hondo
Posts: 5837
Joined: Apr 2009

You have found the right place to vent all your frustrations, all of us here know and understand what you are going through, I lost my Mother to Colon cancer and my brother to Lymphoma, and then I too was told that I had NPC cancer at the age of 46 and have been fighting it for the passed 8 years.

As a caregiver and Wife you have the right to ask your husband doctors questions concerning his treatment and if you are not satisfied always get a second opinion. I would have saved myself a lot of pain and grief if I would have gotten a second opinion on my cancer treatment.

You sound like a very strong person with a lot unanswered questions and feel like you are up against a wall fighting all these problems as they just keep coming.

Please continue to be part of our CSN family letting us know how you and your husband are doing. We may not have all the answers but at the lease we can tell you what we have all been through in our fight against this monster.

Take care
Hondo

terryscarlett's picture
terryscarlett
Posts: 143
Joined: Aug 2010

I hope everything gets better for you!! I want to thank you for your reply it means a lot to me to know there are people who really care, and for a stranger is even more special. I think everyone on this web site are very special people and my prayers will go up for you and a quick recovery.
thanks to all
Terry

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