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today was one of those days.....

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Today sitting in a three hour traffic jam...brought on a wave of emotion that I have not felt in many weeks....lucky for me I was alone in the car and could let it all out...I screamed....I cried....I shook my fist at the heavens...I am just so angry ! and I am feeling totally alone and frightened..which is something I have not felt in weeks.
I just don't know where its coming from...one thing I know is yesterday was the 4 months anniversary of Bills death and while I thought I had aced it and gotten though it with minimal emotions...its very apparent that I hadn't...today the flood gates opened...maybe it was worse because I tried to minimize the day instead of embraceing it....
One thing that my mega meltdown did was exhust me....I am drained.
I cannot for the life of me understand this grieving thing...thought I did...but after today I am not so sure.
I did conclude that I do not do well with down time...I was off this week-end...started out thinking how wonderful it was to have two days off.....but having two days off and no purpose or direction is not good for me....will have a better plan next time.
But for right now....I don't know....I am really confused...thought this was all over with....its not!
Pat

onlyhuman
Posts: 102
Joined: Sep 2009

Oh Pat
I am sorry you've had a hard day.The anniversaries are never easy. One thing I've learnt over the last 8 months is that the more I try to keep busy with distractions like work and the kids the more my grief tends to catch me unawares. Some days will be better than others and some days will be not so comfortable but we will get through them all.
I too tend to try not to be emotional but really whats wrong with being emotional. Who says we have to be strong all the time?
I am learning to take deep breaths again and to allow myself some downtime because in the last 8 months I have run myself ragged and now not only am I emotionally exhausted, I am also physically drained.
I hope you feel better soon.
Sangeeta

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grandmafay
Posts: 1629
Joined: Aug 2009

I still struggle with the anniversary date for Doug' death and it has been 10 months. I try not to even think of the day but the first thing I have to put a date on gets me. My sons tell me they have the same problem. I guess that is just the way some of us are built. I have learned to accept it, and I do find that keeping busy helps. I am also blessed with people I can talk to about it like my sons. Grief also seems to just sneak up on us at times. I have a ring Doug had made for me using his wedding ring for our 40th anniversary. Because he worked in the outdoors, he had stopped wearing it years before that. I find that I rub it when something brings back his loss. Yesterday, I watched a baby baptized. He was the miracle baby of a young couple we had gotten close to. I felt the tears of love for this beautiful little boy and for Doug not being there. I looked down and realized that I was rubbing the ring. I like to think that it was a reminder that he really was there. This grieving business is confusing. I guess we just have to keep muddling through it. Sorry you had a tough day. Glad you came here to share. Fay

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

I am feeling better today..reeled myself back in...but man it is tough sometimes.
I was talking with another nurse tonight...never met her before and we had a new hospice patient on the unit so we were talking about hospice and the whole death and dying thing...I brought up my recent experience and Bills death only to find out that she too lost her husband eight years ago...she has since remarried two years ago and to this day the anniversary of her first husbands death still gets her in the heart and she is remarried....we concluded that the death of a spouse is something we just never get over...we just learn to work around it to move on.
As I said in my previous post I need to be mindful of having too much down time..
Moving on...
Pat

ruthelizabeth
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

I know about the difficulty of down time, too. I made a list of sanity projects and have been working on the house. Now most of the major things are finished and the next hurdle will be to try to actually live in it. I will have places to sew and paint and so on, but the challenge will be to come home and do those things.

I know what Don wants me to do, I know that he's telling me to get a good life going, but it's very hard to accomplish that.

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

My husband passed away just 2 hours before you wrote this and I am trying to deal. I too have so many plans and have been keeping busy in the house before winter. And do I dread this winter. All will be done and I will be snowbound, lonely, and wondering what to do. I feel where you are even though I am not there yet....but dreading it just the same.

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1561
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Pat
You have to remember it has only been months since Bill's passing, not years. It could take years to grieve. Know that it is ok to break down every once in awhile. You are not alone. It happens to mom more so than me, but it happens. God bless you and give you peace at these difficult times. Thinking and praying for you daily.
Tina

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Pat,
Haven't posted for a little while, but have been reading, have been a little down lately, trying to pull myself out of it, Sept 6 will be 5 months, that I lost my love, Sometimes I just don't know what to say to everyone, just so sad, sorry for all of us.
take care
karen

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halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Faye I too find comfort in just rubbing the ring once in a while. I took Sonny's ring off him right after he died and kept it with me. After about a week I put it on a chain and wear it all the time. It makes me feel safe I guess is one way to think of it. I haven't written at all for about a month. I have been so busy and stressed with work and just dealing with all the kids and everything on my own. It is really getting to me and I can feel it building up. Next week will be 8 months and I feel sadder than usual I guess because on the 14th is mine and Sonny's anniversary. It would have been our 25th. I finally have Montanna my 10 year old eating again and still in three types of therapy which is helping so much. Now I guess I am starting to have a little time to deal with my grief which I am not excited about. I made plans to get away. I am mean just get away. I don't know what I am doing or where I am going, all I know is that I am leaving Saturday and coming back thursday sometime. I have never just picked up and gone somewhere not knowing where I am going and of course never going alone. My boys are not happy due to the fact I am going by myself but I feel I need to just get away. I know from grief class sometimes our grief can sneak up on us and grab us so its a good thing you have the boys to talk with. I just wish I could feel less stressed and not wanting to smack every couple I see walking holding hands or looking like they are having fun. I guess time will ease my wanting to reach out and touch.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1629
Joined: Aug 2009

I am glad to hear that Montana is eating and seems to be doing better. I really have a great deal of respect for those of you here who have to deal with grieving children as well as dealing with your own grief. Both of our sons are grown and have been a great source of support for me. I have been told that around 8 or 9 months may be the hardest in the grieving process. Others expect us to be all done grieving but we aren't. I'm glad you are getting away. I can understand your sons's concern. Sons tend to be very protective of us. With cell phones and email, I am sure you can reassure them as you travel. I haven't tried that on my own yet. I just haven't quite gotten there. I have had the luxury of traveling with family. In fact, our older son and family are going to Europe over Christmas and I am tagging along. Since I have never been, that will be a new first for me. I hope you have a relaxing time during your wandering. I think sometimes we do just need to get away for awhile. Take care, Fay

david54
Posts: 115
Joined: Apr 2009

I am sorry for what you and others are going through. I know how hard this is-I had not anticipated the varying degrees of grief I now experience and like you Pat, sometimes a trigger for an emotion seems to come out of nowhere. My wife has been gone for just over a month-feels strange. Some days are good, others are painful. For me, life just came to a standstill. We all hear of how hard it is for a person to be in combat and suddenly come home to a much different reality, while I am in no way comparing my loss to a combat vet….I think I know what they experience perhaps on a lesser scale.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Pat,
I know how you feel. I lost my husband of 46 years on Mar. 25th. It's like one day you have everything and the next day it's all gone. I laid on the couch for days & didn't want to leave the house, or eat and had trouble sleeping. I went to see a counselor & got some meds which have really helped me cope. Maybe you should think of doing this also. We just have to take one day at a time and although we'll never forget them, it will get easier. That's what everyone tells me. Be Strong!!
"Carole"

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1629
Joined: Aug 2009

We are all a journey we never wanted. Life can sure throw us for a loop sometimes. Much of the stress is gone, but the loneliness that replaced it hits us hard. I have learned to accept the bad times and give myself permission to wallow occasionally. Early on I ate jelly bellies and vinegar potato chips for three days. I haven't resorted to that again, and my really bad times are usually hours instead of days now. It has been a little over ten months, so I guess it does get easier. I still feel like something (someone) is missing at family gatherings and other social things. My husband is often the last thing I think of each night and the first thing I think of in the morning. I feel blessed that we were with each other as long as we were. Sometimes I think being strong is overrated. I think it is ok to show our weaknesses sometimes even if it is only to ourselves. Take care. I hope everyone has a good weekend. Fay

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Haven't posted for a little while, was on an downer, but starting to get back to myself, up and down, just like a roller coaster, never know how you are going to be when you wake up in the morning, I am going to go visit my cousins have to take amtrak friday, a little apprehensive about getting to the train, car service, being on time, worried about all stupid things, taking the wrong train, where to get the tickets, I am like a little girl learning how to do things for herself. but I will, and next time i go I will be ok with it. Hope all is well with you, going to the zoo tomorrow with some friends, looking forward to it. then out to eat.
Hope everyone has a decent weekend
Hugs Karen

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Nana b
Posts: 3041
Joined: May 2009

You all keep doing what your doing, talking to each other. I need to chat with hubby and find out how he is dealing with my cancer.....I have done pretty well, dealing with this, and have just accepted that so has he.....

ktlcs's picture
ktlcs
Posts: 360
Joined: Jan 2010

Yesterday I went for a routine mammo and dexa scan. While the nurse was reviewing my paperwork she asked if my husband was still my in case of emergency contact. I explained he had passed away (it hasn't even been two months) and began to fill out the form, as I did she said not to put down anyone who lives far away (I was about to put down my Dad who lives out of state) and I suddenly realized how alone I am. My whole family lives in other states. We did not have children, I stood there like a dummy then put one of my girfriends name on the form. It was all I could do to get through the rest of the appointment without breaking down. Does it get any better? Will I ever stop crying? It doesn't feel like it.

Kathy

Noellesmom
Posts: 1317
Joined: Aug 2010

Oh, Kathy, I'm so sorry that happened to you. That must have been very upsetting.

I have always been blessed with having family close by and have often worried (wondered, too) about friends who have moved a distance away what they do in the event of an emergency.

There are so many "little" adjustments and discoveries about our lives that we make when a loved one is gone.

Can't fix this for you but I am sending good, warm thoughts your way today.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1629
Joined: Aug 2009

The first time I had to fill out a form and came to the marital status question, I almost lost it. I really had not realized that I was now a widow. I hadn't applied that word to myself. What a shock! I have talked to others who felt the same. It is the little things that seem to get to me now. I feel that to some degree I have dealt with the big things. I think we were somewhat prepared for them, but the little things come out of the blue. I, too, thought about being alone in a different way when I had a bad case of the stomach flu. I have sons about an hour and a half away, but i was totally alone when I got sick in the middle of the night. It is a little scary. I guess we just have to try to plan ahead. Fay

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