Today sitting in a three hour traffic jam...brought on a wave of emotion that I have not felt in many weeks....lucky for me I was alone in the car and could let it all out...I screamed....I cried....I shook my fist at the heavens...I am just so angry ! and I am feeling totally alone and frightened..which is something I have not felt in weeks.
I just don't know where its coming from...one thing I know is yesterday was the 4 months anniversary of Bills death and while I thought I had aced it and gotten though it with minimal emotions...its very apparent that I hadn't...today the flood gates opened...maybe it was worse because I tried to minimize the day instead of embraceing it....
One thing that my mega meltdown did was exhust me....I am drained.
I cannot for the life of me understand this grieving thing...thought I did...but after today I am not so sure.
I did conclude that I do not do well with down time...I was off this week-end...started out thinking how wonderful it was to have two days off.....but having two days off and no purpose or direction is not good for me....will have a better plan next time.
But for right now....I don't know....I am really confused...thought this was all over with....its not!